I had a heated discussion with my manager today. It's my day off (he gave me that) and I realized he had put me on the schedule for opening tomorrow, but I had scheduled a doctors appointment. Instead of assuming that I made the mistake (which DUH, it's almost always me, I should have realized that) I blamed him for changing the schedule. UGH I can't believe I was so bullheaded. I had managed to get another coworker to cover my morning shift and had notified him I was switching shifts with her. I just sent him a message appologizing and explaining that I got confused and said that it wouldn't happen again. Damn right it won't happen again. I hope I don't get fired over something as stupid as this. I like my job, and I just...I just forget things and I got confused and made the wrong call.
So yeah. That sucks.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
strange day.
My plans for today were church, Dani, and then a cool lecture thing with my dad.
I went to church with the rest of the fam that're in town. I had a hell of a time getting up this morning, and I felt CRAZY exhausted all morning. I managed to stay awake during mass by some miracle. Then instead of going to hang out with Dani (which I was already doubting I'd be able to stay awake for) we went straight from mass to the Clacamas mall...so I didn't have my cell, or my money. Whatever. I did get free food, and got to hang out with my sis and mom and dad...and sometimes that's not so bad. I also got to see where I'll be working next week, minus the set that's not set up yet. I have no idea how big the area really will be until I see the set all constructed.
Tomorrow/today will be my second day of work, closing again. It's rewarding, more or less, but I'm nervous because last shift (my first one) I got 1. taken advantage of by a bitchy customer and 2. got scared by a creeper. And that was just the first day. I hope things so smoothly, and I'm worried about my heart.
I've been getting chest pains, like stabbing pain. It doesn't seem to strike at any particular time, it's just like a STAB and then sometimes it happens again and again for a while. Sometimes it's just one and then it's done. When it happens I feel lightheaded and hot. I know my blood pressure has been high lately, but not dangerously so. I do need to see my doctor about it, but the last time it was bad was at work right before I got my first break (about 3 hours in). I just could barely breathe, and it really scared me. Mara said I should just get it checked out and to try and not worry about it.
I have a new girlfriend. We've been dating for a little less than a week, so things are still really...you know, figuring things out, testing if this is really going to be worth it. When I'm around her I'm still a little awkward feeling and that alone is what's keeping me from really feeling totally head over heels. I hate feel awkward more than anything else in the whole world. But when I'm around her, it's like everything is a bit better. I worry that I'm getting into another relationship like it was with Liz, where I never really let her be a full part of my life. At least I actually like her, I'm actually attracted to her. That's one up on Liz. Maybe it's just that when we talk, she reminds me of parts of myself that I don't really like or understand. Our conversations feel so...forced sometimes. I don't know how to make it go smoothly.
If we aren't talking, and are just together, and silent in eachother's arms...it's so good. There's no where else. We are the origin of everything when we're together, and if we aren't then that unoriginal thing can't possibly matter, comparatively. It's easier to breathe when I'm holding her hand. I feel as though I need to explain to her, somehow, how much more I value our silence than our conversation. I love kissing her of course. But there too, I value just BEING, just holding her hand and leaning on her shoulder. Feeling her arm draped over my shoulder or sitting on my knee. I feel like a freak. I just value our stillness over our activity...thinking about it all makes me feel a little anxious.
Today I began an art project for Christmas. I'm making teddy bears for my close friends. I began one for Teresa; body, head, eyes, one ear and the sewing for most of a foot is done. She hasn't called or myspaced me for several weeks now. I really am trying to be good. I know how she is, how happy she is with Chris. And I have this new thing with Dezi. But my brain doesn't seem to speak the same language as my stupid heart...and my stupid heart is still crazy about her. But I've been good. I haven't crossed any lines. I think it's funny...I had avoided seeing her face to face for almost four years, because I knew if I saw her it would only make my puppy love worse. I was wrong because NOT seeing her kept her idealized. At least then the reality of who she was and who she was with could shock me, could shake me. Now I have both those memories and the blinding reality. It's the same, the puppy love. Her beauty and kindness and adorableness just do me in completely. But...I know my limits, and I'm not into chasing the moon like that.
I think feel kind of lonely and anxious tonight. My feelings about Dezi and Teresa floating around in my head, my worries about work tomorrow and my health. I feel so restless. I want an easy truce. I want to really begin everything, and really end everything else - I feel like it's all loose ends. Everything. All I know is...I'm still treading water, even if it looks like progress.
And now I go back to the same sleep I had last night.
I went to church with the rest of the fam that're in town. I had a hell of a time getting up this morning, and I felt CRAZY exhausted all morning. I managed to stay awake during mass by some miracle. Then instead of going to hang out with Dani (which I was already doubting I'd be able to stay awake for) we went straight from mass to the Clacamas mall...so I didn't have my cell, or my money. Whatever. I did get free food, and got to hang out with my sis and mom and dad...and sometimes that's not so bad. I also got to see where I'll be working next week, minus the set that's not set up yet. I have no idea how big the area really will be until I see the set all constructed.
Tomorrow/today will be my second day of work, closing again. It's rewarding, more or less, but I'm nervous because last shift (my first one) I got 1. taken advantage of by a bitchy customer and 2. got scared by a creeper. And that was just the first day. I hope things so smoothly, and I'm worried about my heart.
I've been getting chest pains, like stabbing pain. It doesn't seem to strike at any particular time, it's just like a STAB and then sometimes it happens again and again for a while. Sometimes it's just one and then it's done. When it happens I feel lightheaded and hot. I know my blood pressure has been high lately, but not dangerously so. I do need to see my doctor about it, but the last time it was bad was at work right before I got my first break (about 3 hours in). I just could barely breathe, and it really scared me. Mara said I should just get it checked out and to try and not worry about it.
I have a new girlfriend. We've been dating for a little less than a week, so things are still really...you know, figuring things out, testing if this is really going to be worth it. When I'm around her I'm still a little awkward feeling and that alone is what's keeping me from really feeling totally head over heels. I hate feel awkward more than anything else in the whole world. But when I'm around her, it's like everything is a bit better. I worry that I'm getting into another relationship like it was with Liz, where I never really let her be a full part of my life. At least I actually like her, I'm actually attracted to her. That's one up on Liz. Maybe it's just that when we talk, she reminds me of parts of myself that I don't really like or understand. Our conversations feel so...forced sometimes. I don't know how to make it go smoothly.
If we aren't talking, and are just together, and silent in eachother's arms...it's so good. There's no where else. We are the origin of everything when we're together, and if we aren't then that unoriginal thing can't possibly matter, comparatively. It's easier to breathe when I'm holding her hand. I feel as though I need to explain to her, somehow, how much more I value our silence than our conversation. I love kissing her of course. But there too, I value just BEING, just holding her hand and leaning on her shoulder. Feeling her arm draped over my shoulder or sitting on my knee. I feel like a freak. I just value our stillness over our activity...thinking about it all makes me feel a little anxious.
Today I began an art project for Christmas. I'm making teddy bears for my close friends. I began one for Teresa; body, head, eyes, one ear and the sewing for most of a foot is done. She hasn't called or myspaced me for several weeks now. I really am trying to be good. I know how she is, how happy she is with Chris. And I have this new thing with Dezi. But my brain doesn't seem to speak the same language as my stupid heart...and my stupid heart is still crazy about her. But I've been good. I haven't crossed any lines. I think it's funny...I had avoided seeing her face to face for almost four years, because I knew if I saw her it would only make my puppy love worse. I was wrong because NOT seeing her kept her idealized. At least then the reality of who she was and who she was with could shock me, could shake me. Now I have both those memories and the blinding reality. It's the same, the puppy love. Her beauty and kindness and adorableness just do me in completely. But...I know my limits, and I'm not into chasing the moon like that.
I think feel kind of lonely and anxious tonight. My feelings about Dezi and Teresa floating around in my head, my worries about work tomorrow and my health. I feel so restless. I want an easy truce. I want to really begin everything, and really end everything else - I feel like it's all loose ends. Everything. All I know is...I'm still treading water, even if it looks like progress.
And now I go back to the same sleep I had last night.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
less like scars...
(Sara Groves)
it's been a hard year,
but i'm climbing out of the rubble.
these lessons are hard
healing changes are subtle
but every day
it's...
less like tearing, more like building
less like captive, more like willing
less like breakdown, more like surrender
less like haunting, more like
remember
and i feel you here
and you're picking up the pieces
forever faithful
it seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
but you are able
and in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars, and more like
"character "
less like a prison, more like my room
it's less like a casket, more like a womb
less like dying, more like transcending
less like fear, less like an ending !
and i feel you here
and you're picking up the pieces
forever faithful
it seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
but you are able
and in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars
just a little while ago
i couldn't feel the power or the hope
i couldn't cope, i couldn't feel a thing
just a little while back
i was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
you would come
and i need you
and i want you here
and i feel you
and i know you're here
and you're picking up the pieces
forever faithful
it seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
but you are able
and in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars (x3)
and more like
"character"
......................
The first time I heard this song I was driving from St. Cloud to school in St. Joe. I was willing myself not to cry anymore, because I was sure I'd crash if the tears kept blinding me. I had cried a layer of salt onto my glasses until they were frosty.
I'd just been told that I was fired from my internship. I felt so broken. Like there was no way up from the blow, like the bottom had dropped out of my world, out of my hopes, out of my ability to process. I couldn't get my head above it. I had invested so much, emotionally, in that, and to lose it...worse, to lose it because of factors I didn't understand...I wasn't sure if I could ever be a viable "employee" to anyone ever again. My depression, my health, my laziness, and this loss. The whole mess had me down in its belly. And then this song came on the radio. I had to pull over, I just started sobbing. It was exactly what my heart was crying out for. It was like a hug from God!!!! I prayed that God would help me through this. I knew that I couldn't do it on my own this time. It wasn't in my hands anymore, because it was my hands who broke it so thoroughly.
Somehow, God (and I) made it through. I really didn't have much to do with it. In my turmoil, in the pain that I went through, I had my God and my friends and my teachers (those I was open and honest with) with me.
My life as a walk in the woods. There is a bright sun, and sometimes I walk through clearings, and sometimes I walk through dappled, filtered light, and sometimes full shadow. Times like now when I'm bathed in the sunlight...it's hard to believe I survive the darkness every time. When I'm in it, I can't recognize exactly how engulfing it was, how powerful it held me. It hurts to remember it too, I feel a kind of distant pity for the person I was at those times. Like it was someone else who lived then, someone I can't even recognize as "me".
Every time I hear that song, I feel blessed to be alive. That particular emotional scar, the loss of my internship, looks more like character every day.
it's been a hard year,
but i'm climbing out of the rubble.
these lessons are hard
healing changes are subtle
but every day
it's...
less like tearing, more like building
less like captive, more like willing
less like breakdown, more like surrender
less like haunting, more like
remember
and i feel you here
and you're picking up the pieces
forever faithful
it seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
but you are able
and in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars, and more like
"character "
less like a prison, more like my room
it's less like a casket, more like a womb
less like dying, more like transcending
less like fear, less like an ending !
and i feel you here
and you're picking up the pieces
forever faithful
it seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
but you are able
and in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars
just a little while ago
i couldn't feel the power or the hope
i couldn't cope, i couldn't feel a thing
just a little while back
i was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
you would come
and i need you
and i want you here
and i feel you
and i know you're here
and you're picking up the pieces
forever faithful
it seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
but you are able
and in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars (x3)
and more like
"character"
......................
The first time I heard this song I was driving from St. Cloud to school in St. Joe. I was willing myself not to cry anymore, because I was sure I'd crash if the tears kept blinding me. I had cried a layer of salt onto my glasses until they were frosty.
I'd just been told that I was fired from my internship. I felt so broken. Like there was no way up from the blow, like the bottom had dropped out of my world, out of my hopes, out of my ability to process. I couldn't get my head above it. I had invested so much, emotionally, in that, and to lose it...worse, to lose it because of factors I didn't understand...I wasn't sure if I could ever be a viable "employee" to anyone ever again. My depression, my health, my laziness, and this loss. The whole mess had me down in its belly. And then this song came on the radio. I had to pull over, I just started sobbing. It was exactly what my heart was crying out for. It was like a hug from God!!!! I prayed that God would help me through this. I knew that I couldn't do it on my own this time. It wasn't in my hands anymore, because it was my hands who broke it so thoroughly.
Somehow, God (and I) made it through. I really didn't have much to do with it. In my turmoil, in the pain that I went through, I had my God and my friends and my teachers (those I was open and honest with) with me.
My life as a walk in the woods. There is a bright sun, and sometimes I walk through clearings, and sometimes I walk through dappled, filtered light, and sometimes full shadow. Times like now when I'm bathed in the sunlight...it's hard to believe I survive the darkness every time. When I'm in it, I can't recognize exactly how engulfing it was, how powerful it held me. It hurts to remember it too, I feel a kind of distant pity for the person I was at those times. Like it was someone else who lived then, someone I can't even recognize as "me".
Every time I hear that song, I feel blessed to be alive. That particular emotional scar, the loss of my internship, looks more like character every day.
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