A Boring Stream of Consciousness on Love.

So, here's some thoughts.

I'll start with the dream I had two nights ago...last night I dreamed I had a puppy of my very own, and come on, that happens every week. This was interesting, extraordinary.

I saved the life of Barrak Obama.

I really can't tell you much more than that. He was being kept in the fortress by an evil queen, and with the help of my friends we launched a daring rescue, being chased by beefy gaurds with swords. In my dream he was a kind, sincere, apologetic man who I have no real basis in comparison to the true man...he may be, he may not be, but I have barely researched him or his stances. But in my dream I liked and respected him. I felt like a powerful Amazon warrior minus the whole cutting off a breast thing.

So there's that.

I get so hung up on girls. This is obviously a new topic. But I get so hung up on them. With Teresa...it's like there's just no going back for me. When I really give my heart and let it all be out there...well I don't think I have connections like that with people all that frequently. And when I do have that connection, that's it for me. I don't need anything more, that's all I want. Complete emotional nakedness. And that's shocking on one level as many people never do that at all. But when I do, when I have that unbarred connection, I seem to be sold on that person for good. Teresa. I still love her. I'm pretty sure she knows this, and she doesn't seem to mind. I'm sure it's nice to be so loved; as long as I don't try and steal her from her loving and awesome boyfriend. I thought perhaps familiarity would breed, if not contempt, at least some kind of dampening of it all, but no. That love this is tenacious. For Caitlin it's a similiar situation, but I think perhaps my connection with her was even deeper on some level. We shared so much. She was like my other half, we were everywhere together. I feel like my time before her and my time without her are the same; I feel good with life, capable enough, smart enough. My time with her was like hyper-living. The world in neon. Everything was intensely better, more interesting, more livable.

So what I'm wondering, is how do I come to forge these connections? Clearly that didn't happen in my last two "real" relationships. With Liz, I think I tried too, and for a time we had a rapport that was pretty strong and compelling. But it all fell apart...we were just too different on things that were too important to me. With Dezi...well, we were really just all wrong for eachother. I was so hopeful because I was so into her initially, but then...well, it became clear that that kind of relationship I was looking for just wasn't going to happen. But it so looked like it.

But how do I make that happen again, as it happened with Teresa and Caitlin? For both of them I felt an instant attraction. With Caitlin I remember the exact moment I first saw her, and I wanted to know her and be near her and if possible kiss her from just seeing her across the room. And those days with Teresa are forever burned into my mind. It was heaven. I just don't have words for how I felt then, that divine haze, just being near her and watching her. That kind of sounds creepy, but like I said...I can't put it into words properly. More than anything I would risk or do anything to make her happy.

But if my connection with these people is so immediate, will it always be chance that I meet them? Chance that they catch my attention across the room?

The thing is, I could have been happy with Dezi. She cared about me, she didn't mind my forgetting or my overall craziness. She could keep me fairly secure, and help me mature in a lot of ways. But she didn't consume me like those past loves did...and that is what I am looking for most of all in a relationship. Maybe I should be more open to lesser loves. But maybe I'm capable of even greater loves than these that I've known. And that's what makes me not give up hope.

So that's what I've been thinking about. My health is ok. I don't drink any caffeine anymore, and without it irritating things I seem to have no uti symptoms at all...which seems to make me think I DO have intercystic cystitis just like Mara thinks. My doctor has neither confirmed nor denied this. I have to schedule and appointment with her, but I procrastinate because I really don't like going to the doctor, I prefer to complain. I've lost 10 lbs so far, and counting. Which is good! But I could do better if I tried harder.

I'm sleepy, and want to dream of beautiful women now.

- Maddie