Dream 4/25/09

So I had some of the saddest dreams ever last night (4.25.09)

The dream that made the biggest impression on me: I started out in my parent’s house – but it’s not the same house as this one. Instead it has some wall to wall rugs, and is pretty damn charming. I wish I lived there, really. A bunch of relatives come to stay because someone (maybe Mara…lol, again) is getting married. Not me. And I’ve helped them clean in a massive, massive way so that the house is the best it’s ever been. Uncle Brian and Aunt Vicky are some of the relatives over to stay, and they brought with them a big orange mane coon, Who’s name is Aster or Caster or something like that. He greets the day by leaping on his hind legs for a while wherever he’s going. It’s adorable, but strange, and a little frightening because he’s unpredictable and could launch himself at you unexpectedly for pets…claws out. But Aster is leaping down the hallway toward me and then past me, the hallway with a long reddish rug all the way down it. It’s not a frightening hallway, not creepy and cavernous, there’s a ¾ wall that opens into the well-lit kitchen, which is getting all the morning sun.

I’m in the hallway (still?) later that afternoon, and clouds have moved in. I’m talking to someone who is a stranger to me, and there is an older woman too, who looks like Maude from the Golden Girls. The stranger is my age or a tiny bit older, female, very attractive to me and not in an unapproachable way. I feel shy around her. It’s at this point I realize we’re not really in 2009, but possibly in the 1800’s because we’re all in period dress. Maude is cooking something on the stove (onions?) in a big metal pot and the young woman is helping her. I’m shyly making conversation when it starts to rain. It looks like rain. The kitchen windows are wide open but it seems like we don’t have glass in those windows, the rain just comes in. But it’s not rain, it’s pellets of rock, hot rocks like from a volcano. They’re painful when they hit you, and so I duck behind on of the only places where the pellets can’t seem to reach. I’m kind of outside, but under an overhang, and just protected enough by the wall that the pellets can’t reach me. I call to the young stranger, but she looks at Maude, who seems to strongly disapprove of me. I am trying to assure her that I’m safe, that I’m alright, and the young woman seems to want to believe me, but the older woman’s obvious disapproval prevents her from joining me. I realize that young woman is the bride in this time period, suddenly, with a mix of shame and relief that I didn’t do anything to make an ass out of myself.

A second part to the dream, or possibly an entirely new dream: I’m at school, and we’re at something like a sock hop. The gym we're in reminds me of JDZ's gym. I’ve gone with what seem to be the only lesbian couple, but they’re not known that way because Tora, the butchy dyke of the couple, passes easily as a male and doesn’t bother to correct people when they misidentify her gender. Julia is blonde, of average height and slight build, and wears a beautiful dress. Tora wears clothes like a gangster, baggy pants, shirt with writing on it and a big logo on the front, but her face – even in the dream – reminds me strongly of Bre. I’m very attracted to Tora, but recognize that she’s happily settled with Julia. We’re all twenty-somethings, and yet we’re also in school together, apparently high school. Torah sings Julie a love song in between two dances. I feel happy for them, but sad that I have no one of my own.

Suddenly a rich punk lunges at me. He takes me by the hair and pushes me down, slapping my face, then my back as I turn away in fear. I get angry and I turn around and fight back. The whole time he’s saying things like “dirty faggot” etc, things to hurt me that only do in a distant way. I see his face twisted in stupid anger and yet joy at the violence he’s inflicting. (This scene reminds me of Jane Eyre, which I'm currently reading - the fight between Jane and John near the beginning of the book) A principal comes and seperates us – Rich guy get’s off scott free and I’m being told I’ll be suspended for this. I’m taken to the principal’s office.

In an attempt to explain myself, I say this:

“Sir, that guy, think what his life will be like? He’s rich, his family is. He’ll go to a good school and meet a beautiful wife and have beautiful children and have a beautiful, blessed life. And what will happen to me? I’m poor. I’m a lesbian which is why I keep getting in fights. I probably won’t find someone for me, I won’t marry. I probably won’t make it to my 30th birthday.” He listens to this, and says he’ll forgive my behavior today but not to get in any further trouble. But my own admission – that I’ll be alone and die that way, still young – haunts me and I wake with the saddest feeling ever in my gut. I never guess that any part of my subconscious felt so damn self-pitying about the whole gay thing.

As I woke, I had a final dream, and it was so brief yet it made an impression. There are two knights on a desolate battlefield, armed with swords and shields. One is black and one is dark green, but they look nearly the same in the moonlight. They are fighting bitterly, and I realize they’ve been fighting this way forever, since time began. The black knight slays the green (or is it the other way around? There’s no way to tell yet I want to know, as though it matters) and he falls on the ground. He lies very still, and the metal of his armor erodes away to dust. From that dust emerges a knight exactly the same as the one who died, but his armor shines more in the light. He takes up the fight again.

Strange dreams. Night of 4/25/09

Things that influenced these dreams: the actress who played Maude on Golden Girls died yesterday. Reading Jane Eyre, which is all from the point of view of a clever, but bitter protagonist that is continually victimized (so far, I'm only half done!), and that was kind of the theme of the dreams, excluding the final vignette. As I was waking I must have briefly glanced at my bookshelf; box set for Narnia has a picture of a knight in black and a boy in blue/green fighting with swords and I carried that back to my mini-dream. Also last night Brittany and I were talking about the liklihood of me being a victim of a senseless hate-crime, and I argued that I'm less likely to be targeted than a black man, because at least I'm not obviously gay ALL the time, wheras he's always obviously black. But just thinking about getting attacked for being gay must have disturbed me enough for it to leek into my dreams.

When I woke I felt very very sad, but I've been working on cheering myself up. Really, it's silly for me to feel bad about my lot, and who says I'll never meet the right girl? I might. And I have family and friends, they wouldn't let me die out in the cold, and even if I DID end up single the rest of my life...I have those same family and friends, it's not as though there isn't warmth or joy in my life as I am.

<3 Maddie

Hang On, Little Tomato

There's so much to write about. I often get overwhelmed when I'm about to start a journal entry...I think about those who read my journal (mostly family, and a friend or two) and what they may or may not care to hear about. What it might be uncomfortable for others to read. It's always difficult for me to refrain from censoring myself too heavily. But journals are supposed to be for me, for my benefit, right? I feel divided on the issue. Because of this, I'm going to brush past some things, and you (dear reader) will probably notice the absence. Know that I'm privately journalling my feelings elsewhere (in an actual paper journal - how retro of me, I know!) and that I don't omit treating these issues online because I don't care...just that some laundry doesn't need to be aired in public, I guess.

So what AM I willing to share? Well, I'm in-between relationships. That is the kindest way to put it. I met a girl named Brittany, who is beautiful and interesting and kind, but not right for me right now for many reasons. Reasons that I am allowing to prevent me from dating her, but not prevent me from being friends. She's not out. She's too young for me (but of legal age, let's make that clear, lol). Other reasons too, but those are the main ones. Our friendship is a careful one on my part. We like eachother, and it seems she likes me enough that she's willing to put up with my limitations...no kissing, no non-friend contact, but getting to know eachother and be friends in a proper sense instead of just strangers that the internet magically connected. We communicate a lot, and that really helps us stay honest about how we feel about that. I've told her I won't hold her down...that she has no obligation to me, but she seems pretty sold on getting to know me and is very stubborn for her cause. And it's good, so far, and maybe especially tonight. We saw a movie together, and we were close, but it was relaxed and fun and freeing in a way I can't pin down.

Some friends drift away, and others are coming close again. Bre and I are in better phone contact and actually SAW one another face to face just last week. She's still very important to me, and I'm glad we're getting more involved in eachother's lives again. We talked tonight about life and the choices we make in living it, about relationships (our own and others), about our hangups and kinks. It's always good to hear her voice. I smile so big when I see her name on my phone.

Dani and I are about the same, and though it makes me sad to see so little of her (once a month or so), I understand how school can consume you. The same with my Stinna. Chris and Teresa are as close to me as ever and I count them as dear and trusted friends. Roni and I have recently been texting eachother more, and it's surprising and delightful to know that we've actually started to become true friends. Isn't the internet wonderful? I wouldn't have met her without its help. However, it's basically the only way that I stay in any semblance of contact with Dezi, Steve, Caitlin and Matt. They are all slowly drifting away from me, on their own paths, and although this makes me sad sometimes I also understand. Some people's paths run beside yours for longer periods of time than others. That's ok.

(sigh) I do have so much more to say, in way other veins. This post has been all about relationships, but I've overlooked more basic things...my apple seedlings are doing well in the yard - they overwintered beautifully and are full of leaves. I don't know how to protect them from insects, or how to fertilize them, but hopefully my brother and the internet will help. I still hope to bonzai one of them. I'm still employed with lifetouch, and though the hours are pretty poor (18 this week, ouch) I love what I do and it's enough to make my bills. I bought a new laptop for myself. Macbook Pro 17"...beautiful. Perfect. I love it far more than should, it being a mere piece of technology and all. Also I've fully fallen off the wagon as far as the gym goes, but it becons.

As far as my health goes, it's alright. I've gotten twitchy twitchy legs that bug me most nights. I'm seeing the doctor next week to talk about it. My morning headaches are still an issue, but I bought new pillows tonight to see if that doesn't help. Here's hoping it does.

That's all I'm offering tonight - exhausted, but very content (although twitchy, grumble grumble) I'm off to try and sleep. I love you.

- ME