what it's like to be so thin-skinned

I don't really feel up to the task of figuring out my feelings right now, but I feel obligated. They're not good. I had a long and mostly really good day with Chris and Teresa. But things went kind of wrong, a little at a time, and now I feel horrible.

I'd gone over knowing that Teresa's cousin, Bri, would be there. She's really nice, and funny, and I enjoy her company. When I got over to the house we played some WoW and when Teresa and Bri lost interest in it we more or less went about our individual interenetting. I like the time I spend doing these things...because I can be social and share things I find, and vice versa, and the internet is pretty much boundlessly interesting. I watched Chris play a game for a while, which I also really love doing, and he explained it a bit to me. Then Chris said that we needed to take Bri home, and the cats were going to go to Anita's (would I like to come along?) and Justin would be over later.

We piled into the car and dropped off the cats first. It was pretty much in and out, but I really love Anita's house. Anita is the mom of Teresa's best friend Katie. I felt shy, and suddenly realized how little I wanted to talk about myself, or draw attention to myself today. That despite having such a great day yesterday, I felt awkward today and just wanted to be in a familiar environment. We soon left and took Bri to the houseboat on which her dad and siblings were staying for the weekend. I'd never been on a houseboat before. I felt unsteady on the floating sidewalks, and a bit disconcerted how the boat was moving in the water while they sat and chatted. I didn't talk much, I usually feel really strange and exposed when in a stranger's house. It was a small environment with plenty of people, and I felt so BIG, as though I took up more space than I needed to. Teresa and Chris were relaxed and chatty with Bri's dad, but I can't remember what they chatted about. We weren't there long, and I was really relieved to get back on proper land. I felt embarrassed to have expressed as much fear as I did about the whole "not actually land what if I end up in the water" thing.

When we returned to Chris and Teresa's house Justin was there. I want to like Justin, I do. He's Chris' best friend, and he doesn't visit often as he lives in Seattle. But something about him puts me on guard. I am always anxious when he's around. Maybe it's because I so thoroughly don't understand him. He is smart, and often says things that reveal how curious he is about the world, and about how people interact. I'm impressed by his intelligence. I get the sense that all the information he receives is carefully indexed in his mind for future reference (he is a dangerous foe in trivia competitions). He can say things that will put you at ease, but he has an innappropriate curiosity when it comes to other people's boundries. I don't think he's a bad person, really, but I think that that, in particularly, is his own bad habit. He has a certain level of social ineptitude that is genuine, and on that front I try to be open and honest with him. Yet also, I know and can sense that some of his boundry pushing is fun for him, and sadism always makes me feel victimized and angry at the same time. It brings me back into that middle-school mindset, when I was bullied. And also, my personal boundries are a source of great frustration to me, and when it's pointed out to me that they are...abnormal, it can bother me all day, and it can really really bring me down. He can't know that, and I don't want to make other people feel bad about it either because it's really just me beating myself up. I feel bad because I'm weird like this.

Anyway, Justin was there, and I was immediately on edge. The boundry de jour was personal space...and my intimacy issues have been weighing heavily on me lately, as I've just started going on dates with this nice new girl, and I am pretty afraid she'll bolt when she learns about them. That's a different story. Anyway, when we went out for dinner we were put in a fairly small booth, small for four people anyway. Or maybe it was perfectly reasonably sized, and I was just hyper-sensitive. But I ended up sitting on the inside next to the wall, with my left arm against the wall and Justin on my right blocking me in (I'm left handed). Chris and Teresa were across from me. Once I realized how trapped it made me feel I asked if the others might want to move to a different booth, across the way, where both sides were open to the isles and I could have my left hand free. They didn't think it was necessary and I didn't push it, although I was unhappy. I didn't want to embarrass myself by saying why I really wanted to move...because I felt cramped, and a bit panicky having Justin so close to me that our legs touched. He could see my discomfort and even a few times in the meal serrpitiously poked me. Not ok. Not funny. But normal people would not have found it so uncomfortable...so I tried to just laugh and relax and get through the dinner. At one point, we were talking about the date I just went on, and I said that we hadn't kissed, no, we hadn't really touched at all, and that that was fine by me. Justin asked what I considered first base. I was pretty thoroughly taken aback, not because he had asked such an inappropriate question, because this is something I have come to expect from Justin. More becuase the question made me think even harder about something i don't like to think much about. First base for me? Holding hands. Extended eye contact. How embarrassing that I am terrified of anything beyond such a basic level as that? The food was good. The conversation was good, otherwise. But I was already pretty thoroughly rattled and feeling terrible.

At one point I had to leave the table to fix something with my card, and when I came back I could feel that everyone was hiding something, and felt like they were looking at me. It felt like they had told a joke about me while I was gone, and it was funny to them but I wouldn't have liked it. Soon I realized it was nothing more than that they had changed the background of my phone to something inappropriate. It would have been funny had I not been in that mindset. Again, it felt a bit like my childhood, when I so badly wanted friends, and they would say mean things about me and I wouldn't speak up but laugh along with them. But it wasn't like that, because usually Chris and Teresa are so kind to me. On the way out Teresa appologized because she could see I wasn't really amused by their prank. I tried to explain why it had upset me but gave up...it was too difficult to do without starting to cry, and I didn't want to ruin the evening.

After dinner we went back to Chris and Teresa's house, where we interenetted while Chris and Justin played a video game. I relaxed and laughed a bit at myself for being so silly and sensitive today. I asked Teresa if she'd like to go on a day hike with me tomorrow, and she agreed, which really made me pretty happy. I love to go hiking and usually go alone because other than my father, no one will join me.

We then returned to Anita's to pick up the cats. It was a kind of test run with the cats for Anita, because she wanted to be sure they would adapt to her household and that she wasn't allergic to them. The cats came into Chris and Teresa's life by accident and they'd been lucky that Anita had wanted them. Anyway, they have a lovely household and soon we were all sitting on chairs and the sofa, chatting away. I made sure to sit in an armchair, so it was just me and I didn't have to have my space invaded. I met Anita's husband (Brian? I think that was his name) and he was really nice. But because I had been feeling like I had, I didn't really want extra attention. I really just wanted to go home, I guess, but it would have made Teresa upset if I had insisted and so to be a good sport I let the evening drag on. I got what I felt was extra attention, because we spent the rest of it sitting around and admiring our iphones, which Anita and Brian had never gotten a hard look at. For a while Brian borrowed mine, looking at my photo library (which I found pretty awkward since I didn't know him at all) and he talked to me quite a bit, actually. Toward the end of the evening he showed me that my chair reclined (which I hadn't guessed) and I had just decided to start drawing to distract myself. I probably had seemed kind of antisocial (since I wasn't piping in on the conversation much), and I bet Brian had been trying to put me at ease.

It had been a strange time at Anita's...I'd felt kind of proud to have an iphone, but at the same time, I was not really a part of their conversation, it was Chris who was doing all the showing. I don't like being in foreign environments, with strangers, and basically ignored. I wanted to go home, I shouldn't have come along at all, but should have just gone home after dinner. Maybe part of me had hoped that spending more time with Chris and Teresa would cheer me up, and make me again feel accepted and like I belong. They do that to me, and today, I needed that. Instead I felt further alienated and alone, which was partly my fault, partly situational. When it was finally time to go I was out the door pretty fast...but then realized we were taking those cats home in a huge ass carrier, and it would be Justin and I in the back seat again. My heart totally sank. I wanted to walk home, with how badly I felt. It had been squishy riding with Bri and the cats in the back, but at least it was Bri, who wouldn't smile at me sardonically, knowing I was uncomfortable. I asked if maybe I could have the cats on my lap, but Teresa said they wouldn't fit, and she seemed hurried to get the cats in the back. She was holding their carrier and I'm sure it was heavy in her hands. They would have fit on my lap, and then I wouldn't have been squished, but from the way Teresa was talking I knew that now was not a time to argue with her at all or it would just go on and on for no reason other than she was tired and irritable. And I would start crying and then it would be a real mess. So I didn't, and the cats went in the middle (after some fiddling because they didn't fit well, with Chris's long legs behind the steering wheel). I looked at the room left for me and said frankly that i was too fat to fit there, and we'd have to shove it over some. We did, and it still didn't look like much, but I decided to just go for it, and I'd be home soon. I went to sit down and Ellie had taken my seat, and when I gave her a little push she buckled down and acted as heavy as possible. I gave her a bigger push and she tumbled off the seat like I'd smacked her, as though she hadn't expected further resistance. She was totally fine, and it wasn't as though I had intended to cause her harm, or even like I'd shoved her hard AT ALL really, but Teresa snapped at me pretty fiercely. I appologized. I said Ellie had buckled down and Teresa said I could have just handed her the dog. Maybe I could have. But she said her poor dog had hit her head on the seat just then, and she made me feel like I'd abused the thing. I just shut up and looked out the window, squished as I was. I felt humiliated, miserable, and to tell them would not have solved anything.

When I got to the house I packed up my shit and started to head out right away. Chris asked me if I was ok, and I was honest...I said I wasn't, but I didn't want to cry here, and I didn't really want to explain. I think I said it wasn't anything important, I know I said I'd just gotten a little sad. I don't need them worrying about me. The whole situation, how I'd ended up as such an emotional mess, was acutely embarrassing for me. IS acutely embarrassing.

It was a really upsetting day. When we were out of Chris and Teresa's house there wasn't a moment where I felt comfortable and relaxed. And they can't get that. I don't get it either, really, but it has made me feel stupid and freakish. The last straw was Teresa snapping at me...when I felt my absolute worst, whether she knew it or not, and she made no attempt to understand.

I just don't like being me at times like this. I wish I were someone else, someone who didn't feel this way all the time. I'm tired of it. I just want to be like other people, and relax, and feel confident and comfortable. Some days I almost pull that off, like yesterday, and it makes me elated. But most of the time I'm like this.

I cried most of the way home, ashamed that I was so weak-willed and ridiculous. That spiraled into a "who would want to date someone like me?" feeling, which then bottomed out at a "I don't even want to BE me" feeling. And that's pretty much where I am right now.

I'm smart. I can make ok art. I can sing ok. I'm often funny, silly, entertaining. I'm not completely ugly. But this is the thing that gets in my way. This is what stops me from making new friends, from letting friends become girlfriends, or girlfriends becoming something even more. I can't get comfortable. I don't let them in. I don't really trust them to not recoil, so I recoil for them. That's it right there. I have no idea what to do about that, but that's where I'm at.

It doesn't help to know this. I've known this about myself for a few years now, but haven't made much progress. I think losing weight will help, which is why I'm working hard at it. Maybe if, when I look in the mirror, I like what I see a bit better I will like myself enough to trust others with liking me. I'm not there yet. Maybe I just need to forgive myself for this being a process, not something instantly fixable.

I do feel a bit better right now, after writing it all down. It still sounds so absurd to me. At least I'm done crying.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

- me