Dreams and Revelations

what it's like to be so thin-skinned

2010-02-07T00:29:00.003-08:00

I don't really feel up to the task of figuring out my feelings right now, but I feel obligated. They're not good. I had a long and mostly really good day with Chris and Teresa. But things went kind of wrong, a little at a time, and now I feel horrible.

I'd gone over knowing that Teresa's cousin, Bri, would be there. She's really nice, and funny, and I enjoy her company. When I got over to the house we played some WoW and when Teresa and Bri lost interest in it we more or less went about our individual interenetting. I like the time I spend doing these things...because I can be social and share things I find, and vice versa, and the internet is pretty much boundlessly interesting. I watched Chris play a game for a while, which I also really love doing, and he explained it a bit to me. Then Chris said that we needed to take Bri home, and the cats were going to go to Anita's (would I like to come along?) and Justin would be over later.

We piled into the car and dropped off the cats first. It was pretty much in and out, but I really love Anita's house. Anita is the mom of Teresa's best friend Katie. I felt shy, and suddenly realized how little I wanted to talk about myself, or draw attention to myself today. That despite having such a great day yesterday, I felt awkward today and just wanted to be in a familiar environment. We soon left and took Bri to the houseboat on which her dad and siblings were staying for the weekend. I'd never been on a houseboat before. I felt unsteady on the floating sidewalks, and a bit disconcerted how the boat was moving in the water while they sat and chatted. I didn't talk much, I usually feel really strange and exposed when in a stranger's house. It was a small environment with plenty of people, and I felt so BIG, as though I took up more space than I needed to. Teresa and Chris were relaxed and chatty with Bri's dad, but I can't remember what they chatted about. We weren't there long, and I was really relieved to get back on proper land. I felt embarrassed to have expressed as much fear as I did about the whole "not actually land what if I end up in the water" thing.

When we returned to Chris and Teresa's house Justin was there. I want to like Justin, I do. He's Chris' best friend, and he doesn't visit often as he lives in Seattle. But something about him puts me on guard. I am always anxious when he's around. Maybe it's because I so thoroughly don't understand him. He is smart, and often says things that reveal how curious he is about the world, and about how people interact. I'm impressed by his intelligence. I get the sense that all the information he receives is carefully indexed in his mind for future reference (he is a dangerous foe in trivia competitions). He can say things that will put you at ease, but he has an innappropriate curiosity when it comes to other people's boundries. I don't think he's a bad person, really, but I think that that, in particularly, is his own bad habit. He has a certain level of social ineptitude that is genuine, and on that front I try to be open and honest with him. Yet also, I know and can sense that some of his boundry pushing is fun for him, and sadism always makes me feel victimized and angry at the same time. It brings me back into that middle-school mindset, when I was bullied. And also, my personal boundries are a source of great frustration to me, and when it's pointed out to me that they are...abnormal, it can bother me all day, and it can really really bring me down. He can't know that, and I don't want to make other people feel bad about it either because it's really just me beating myself up. I feel bad because I'm weird like this.

Anyway, Justin was there, and I was immediately on edge. The boundry de jour was personal space...and my intimacy issues have been weighing heavily on me lately, as I've just started going on dates with this nice new girl, and I am pretty afraid she'll bolt when she learns about them. That's a different story. Anyway, when we went out for dinner we were put in a fairly small booth, small for four people anyway. Or maybe it was perfectly reasonably sized, and I was just hyper-sensitive. But I ended up sitting on the inside next to the wall, with my left arm against the wall and Justin on my right blocking me in (I'm left handed). Chris and Teresa were across from me. Once I realized how trapped it made me feel I asked if the others might want to move to a different booth, across the way, where both sides were open to the isles and I could have my left hand free. They didn't think it was necessary and I didn't push it, although I was unhappy. I didn't want to embarrass myself by saying why I really wanted to move...because I felt cramped, and a bit panicky having Justin so close to me that our legs touched. He could see my discomfort and even a few times in the meal serrpitiously poked me. Not ok. Not funny. But normal people would not have found it so uncomfortable...so I tried to just laugh and relax and get through the dinner. At one point, we were talking about the date I just went on, and I said that we hadn't kissed, no, we hadn't really touched at all, and that that was fine by me. Justin asked what I considered first base. I was pretty thoroughly taken aback, not because he had asked such an inappropriate question, because this is something I have come to expect from Justin. More becuase the question made me think even harder about something i don't like to think much about. First base for me? Holding hands. Extended eye contact. How embarrassing that I am terrified of anything beyond such a basic level as that? The food was good. The conversation was good, otherwise. But I was already pretty thoroughly rattled and feeling terrible.

At one point I had to leave the table to fix something with my card, and when I came back I could feel that everyone was hiding something, and felt like they were looking at me. It felt like they had told a joke about me while I was gone, and it was funny to them but I wouldn't have liked it. Soon I realized it was nothing more than that they had changed the background of my phone to something inappropriate. It would have been funny had I not been in that mindset. Again, it felt a bit like my childhood, when I so badly wanted friends, and they would say mean things about me and I wouldn't speak up but laugh along with them. But it wasn't like that, because usually Chris and Teresa are so kind to me. On the way out Teresa appologized because she could see I wasn't really amused by their prank. I tried to explain why it had upset me but gave up...it was too difficult to do without starting to cry, and I didn't want to ruin the evening.

After dinner we went back to Chris and Teresa's house, where we interenetted while Chris and Justin played a video game. I relaxed and laughed a bit at myself for being so silly and sensitive today. I asked Teresa if she'd like to go on a day hike with me tomorrow, and she agreed, which really made me pretty happy. I love to go hiking and usually go alone because other than my father, no one will join me.

We then returned to Anita's to pick up the cats. It was a kind of test run with the cats for Anita, because she wanted to be sure they would adapt to her household and that she wasn't allergic to them. The cats came into Chris and Teresa's life by accident and they'd been lucky that Anita had wanted them. Anyway, they have a lovely household and soon we were all sitting on chairs and the sofa, chatting away. I made sure to sit in an armchair, so it was just me and I didn't have to have my space invaded. I met Anita's husband (Brian? I think that was his name) and he was really nice. But because I had been feeling like I had, I didn't really want extra attention. I really just wanted to go home, I guess, but it would have made Teresa upset if I had insisted and so to be a good sport I let the evening drag on. I got what I felt was extra attention, because we spent the rest of it sitting around and admiring our iphones, which Anita and Brian had never gotten a hard look at. For a while Brian borrowed mine, looking at my photo library (which I found pretty awkward since I didn't know him at all) and he talked to me quite a bit, actually. Toward the end of the evening he showed me that my chair reclined (which I hadn't guessed) and I had just decided to start drawing to distract myself. I probably had seemed kind of antisocial (since I wasn't piping in on the conversation much), and I bet Brian had been trying to put me at ease.

It had been a strange time at Anita's...I'd felt kind of proud to have an iphone, but at the same time, I was not really a part of their conversation, it was Chris who was doing all the showing. I don't like being in foreign environments, with strangers, and basically ignored. I wanted to go home, I shouldn't have come along at all, but should have just gone home after dinner. Maybe part of me had hoped that spending more time with Chris and Teresa would cheer me up, and make me again feel accepted and like I belong. They do that to me, and today, I needed that. Instead I felt further alienated and alone, which was partly my fault, partly situational. When it was finally time to go I was out the door pretty fast...but then realized we were taking those cats home in a huge ass carrier, and it would be Justin and I in the back seat again. My heart totally sank. I wanted to walk home, with how badly I felt. It had been squishy riding with Bri and the cats in the back, but at least it was Bri, who wouldn't smile at me sardonically, knowing I was uncomfortable. I asked if maybe I could have the cats on my lap, but Teresa said they wouldn't fit, and she seemed hurried to get the cats in the back. She was holding their carrier and I'm sure it was heavy in her hands. They would have fit on my lap, and then I wouldn't have been squished, but from the way Teresa was talking I knew that now was not a time to argue with her at all or it would just go on and on for no reason other than she was tired and irritable. And I would start crying and then it would be a real mess. So I didn't, and the cats went in the middle (after some fiddling because they didn't fit well, with Chris's long legs behind the steering wheel). I looked at the room left for me and said frankly that i was too fat to fit there, and we'd have to shove it over some. We did, and it still didn't look like much, but I decided to just go for it, and I'd be home soon. I went to sit down and Ellie had taken my seat, and when I gave her a little push she buckled down and acted as heavy as possible. I gave her a bigger push and she tumbled off the seat like I'd smacked her, as though she hadn't expected further resistance. She was totally fine, and it wasn't as though I had intended to cause her harm, or even like I'd shoved her hard AT ALL really, but Teresa snapped at me pretty fiercely. I appologized. I said Ellie had buckled down and Teresa said I could have just handed her the dog. Maybe I could have. But she said her poor dog had hit her head on the seat just then, and she made me feel like I'd abused the thing. I just shut up and looked out the window, squished as I was. I felt humiliated, miserable, and to tell them would not have solved anything.

When I got to the house I packed up my shit and started to head out right away. Chris asked me if I was ok, and I was honest...I said I wasn't, but I didn't want to cry here, and I didn't really want to explain. I think I said it wasn't anything important, I know I said I'd just gotten a little sad. I don't need them worrying about me. The whole situation, how I'd ended up as such an emotional mess, was acutely embarrassing for me. IS acutely embarrassing.

It was a really upsetting day. When we were out of Chris and Teresa's house there wasn't a moment where I felt comfortable and relaxed. And they can't get that. I don't get it either, really, but it has made me feel stupid and freakish. The last straw was Teresa snapping at me...when I felt my absolute worst, whether she knew it or not, and she made no attempt to understand.

I just don't like being me at times like this. I wish I were someone else, someone who didn't feel this way all the time. I'm tired of it. I just want to be like other people, and relax, and feel confident and comfortable. Some days I almost pull that off, like yesterday, and it makes me elated. But most of the time I'm like this.

I cried most of the way home, ashamed that I was so weak-willed and ridiculous. That spiraled into a "who would want to date someone like me?" feeling, which then bottomed out at a "I don't even want to BE me" feeling. And that's pretty much where I am right now.

I'm smart. I can make ok art. I can sing ok. I'm often funny, silly, entertaining. I'm not completely ugly. But this is the thing that gets in my way. This is what stops me from making new friends, from letting friends become girlfriends, or girlfriends becoming something even more. I can't get comfortable. I don't let them in. I don't really trust them to not recoil, so I recoil for them. That's it right there. I have no idea what to do about that, but that's where I'm at.

It doesn't help to know this. I've known this about myself for a few years now, but haven't made much progress. I think losing weight will help, which is why I'm working hard at it. Maybe if, when I look in the mirror, I like what I see a bit better I will like myself enough to trust others with liking me. I'm not there yet. Maybe I just need to forgive myself for this being a process, not something instantly fixable.

I do feel a bit better right now, after writing it all down. It still sounds so absurd to me. At least I'm done crying.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

- me

Is this why I don't have a girlfriend?

2010-01-07T03:04:00.002-08:00

Recent IM conversation I had, thanks to that most excellent of social networking sites, OKcupid! I did not initiate this, so I don't appologize for how things went.

....................

CripsyTacos:have you named your iphone yet?

skeevy17:lol, actually no. Which to think of it is pretty surprising as i've named all my other electronics.

CripsyTacos:lol yeah. i was so in love with mine i named it isabelle

CripsyTacos:how long ago did you get it?

skeevy17:like two weeks ago I think? It feels like forever. We're very happy together. Made for eachother really. <3 <3 <3

CripsyTacos:lol yea i know that feeling i bedazzled mine. You must have a new version then. cheers to you!

skeevy17:BEDAZZLED? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

CripsyTacos:lol

CripsyTacos:yes, but i didnt get the right stones so now i have to take 'em off and restart. haha

CripsyTacos:Im not as motivated as I was when i started so now its just a mess

skeevy17:are you...are you a time traveller?

CripsyTacos:why?

skeevy17:YOU ARE! You must be!

CripsyTacos:y do you say that?

skeevy17:in your home-time can you still watch Nirvana videos on MTV?

skeevy17:And get real plastic toys in your cereal?

skeevy17:how many scrunchies do you own?!

CripsyTacos:haha no. im just into art. when you get a fashion major and super glue together it can be pretty fun.

skeevy17:idk. I think bedazzling an iphone might be like putting glitter on a diamond. Isn't it blindingly beautiful enough?

CripsyTacos:All the things you just listed do sound like fun to me. I did like kurt, srcunciies are fune, and i love cracker-jacks!

CripsyTacos:i just did it to the case

skeevy17:is that like "i smoked but didn't inhale"?

CripsyTacos:not the phone itself.

CripsyTacos:do you knoe that they make cases for iphone as not to damage the phone.that case is pink. the phone is silver.

CripsyTacos:know

skeevy17:do you know that tacocat is a palindrome?

skeevy17:I do like tacos an awful lot. Well, actually I don't like tacos at all. I like burritos best. I don't like how tacos get all soggy. It's terrible. So I prefer burritos because they don't give me any false expectations

(at this point she stopped responding to me)

......................

So I'm hoping to meet someone someday, who can tolerate me. (sigh) I can be kind of unbearable. But really, bedazzling an iphone?! And then asking me if I knew they made cases for them? Really?! And she totally lacked a sense of humor. She didn't play back at all. :( So the interwebs reach out, and then withdraw.

Girl of my dreams, if you're out there, you better stop wasting time. I'm looking for you, you could at least make the effort too!

2009-11-12T00:31:00.002-08:00

(the prayer of St. Francis is old and beautiful. This version, for it IS a version of sorts, is derived from the musical setting done by Fiona Apple. When I write it THIS WAY, the song plays in my head. (: )

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

Lord and I would ask of you, that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love

for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Even outside of a christian perspective, I believe one could see much of this as true...true in that it is right to seek to foster good things where it seems only painful, negative things are. Not that all the things listed are entirely negative...I would argue that doubt is as healthy and necessary as "faith," both in a spiritual sense and in a more general way. It shows an active, questioning mind to have doubts. It shows a person of conscience and curiosity. All good traits.

In general, though, I've lately been kind of ignoring my spirituality. My focus has been pretty narrow lately...I work hard. I do my best. I spend my free money on things for my dog, on sushi, on medications (apparently) and the application process for TSA. My free time is basically absorbed by interenetting, walks with my dog, playing with Chris and Teresa, and reading. A little tv, but not much. A little wow, but very very little indeed. I haven't supplied myself with much time for introspection...because by keeping busy I've been able to keep my mind mostly off any thoughts of self-pity or boohoos. Really, my health has been difficult lately, and whenever that goes then my mood gets pretty shitty on me. I caught the pig-sick at the beginning of October, and I only felt truly better after 2 1/2 weeks. My PCOS combined with a new birth control to give me a period that lasted a month and a half, so I recently chatted with an OB/GYN to get squared away with a new medication. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster, and I've been trying not to submit other people to it too much. Seriously, hormones. It's bad enough I have to deal with the random crying, angry outbursts, etc. So I've withdrawn some. I know I'll feel better once I finish this cycle and start the new meds.

I am exhausted by the TSA process. Earlier this week I realized how close my deadline is (Dec. 1st) and went to a few places and did some things to further the progress. I am only waiting on my primary care doctor to finish the rest of her paperwork and turn it into billings. I worry that after all the money, time and effort I've put into this process that they will simply reject me on the basis of my medical conditions. I would understand. I am not without my medical baggage. But I think I manage my conditions well. I am a hard worker. I am confident that I could do this job well, if only they would train and place me somewhere. Anywhere.

Despite keeping myself busy, my worried thoughts still sometimes turn to what I really want out of life. I just want to make art and sell it. That's all. Why am I not really doing that? Is it only fear? I am afraid of lots of things. But I am most afraid that at 30 I will still be working some job I don't care terribly about, no money to speak of in savings, no healthcare, and living with mom and dad. That is unacceptable. My current situation is pretty unacceptable too, but I try to keep my head high and look at the good things. I enjoy the company. I like the dogs. My room is comfortable and the meals are delicious. No rent. No utilities. Relative privacy.

But I am an adult. I'm 24. I want my own place, and I'm not too picky right now. The only way to do that is a better job...and the only one on the table is TSA. It might be Brussel sprouts, but it's still food...and maybe it'll be great once I'm in the thick of it.

Yesterday I was hired for a holiday position with Sears Portrait Studios at Washington Square Mall. I'm excited, and nervous, but mostly excited for the challenge of taking new pictures, new ways, and seeing a whole new age-group of smiles. God I love smiling, and having little kids smile back at me. It makes my life. It's what makes being a photographer one of the best jobs on the planet.

I've been writing a story about a werewolf that wants to be a book. It's writing itself in my head, and most of the time I spend driving, waiting in lines, etc is spent thinking about the plot and characters.

I'm trying to keep myself motivated and laughing at life. I feel balanced on the edge of a good long hermiting spell, but I'm trying to stay out of it. I get sad when I do that.

I hope that this "progress" in my life; with completing more TSA forms, with getting the new job, are all reality and not build up for an even bigger let down. I am trying to believe in myself.

I am trying.

- me

dreams for the night of Nov. 6th

2009-11-11T23:50:00.000-08:00

Dream 1

I had been wandering a long time through the woods, and come upon this nice village. I thought the people were really charming, and they had a wonderful church that I started to attend. That one really enthusiastic televangelical preacher was the pastor, and I slowly came to realize that it wasn’t just a church, it was a cult where people were shunned if they didn’t attend, and kept strictly in line. Many feared for their lives or livelihoods’ if they didn’t do exactly as the pastor told them to. I grew furious, and rebellious. I stood up in the middle of the sermon and called out the preacher. He insisted that I could now no longer be part of their congregation and that I must leave the village. I remember shouting “fuck this shit!” and I said I wanted to go, that what they were doing was wrong. I tried to plead with many of the people as I left but they were too frightened to meet my eyes and the preacher was loudly preaching so that my words were drowned out. One little girl did speak to me, in earnest, but as she was too young to run away on her own I didn’t speak back to her, only smiled. If I had spoken to her it would have damned her in the eyes of the congregation. I gathered my things, and left, head held high and eager to see where the winds of fortune would take me. I felt really sad for the town, but that there wasn’t anything I could do for them and should just move on.

Dream 2

Sitting at a table alone, and my attention is at some point drawn behind me. There’s a guy sitting there, by himself, and he’s very handsome. He smiles kindly at me. Then he acts as though he has to go, because we’re the only two there, and he doesn’t want to intrude on my solitude. I assured him “oh no, please don’t go. You seem nice, and plus it doesn’t hurt that you’re so good looking.” He laughs at my candor and we settle in together and just chat. It’s nice to watch his face, but while I had my head down to get a forkful of food he begins to stutter on a word. Later he does it again, and he seems to be becoming increasingly nervous. I assure him that I don’t mind his stutter, that he can take as long as he needs to find his words. He is very embarrassed but he appreciates what I’ve said. We begin to talk about England, because that’s where he’s from. I say shyly that I am trying to save up so that I can go there, but that I only have 1000 dollars so far. He smiles at me, but not in a condescending way. Inside I berate myself for not being able to save more money than that at this point.
Suddenly someone in a different room is shouting the name Jeffery over and over again, as if they’re looking for someone. The guy I’ve been talking to looks like he wants to duck under the table, but I just laugh at him and go seek out the people calling his name. In a different, even fancier room a small personal table and chair have been set out, and a ridiculously extravagant meal laid out on it. To the left of the table is a manservant holding a red wine in his hands, to the right is a female waiter holding a main dish with its silver domed lid. Jeffery, the man I met, must be rich as all fuck! The help in the room look at me with sneering faces, and I go back to the room where Jeffery is, feeling contemplative.

Dream 3

In the depths of hell (which aren’t so bad, really, if you’re made of fire too). Many things happen but I can’t remember them. Mostly I remember that I have a viewing screen, and with it I can travel throughout hell. It has a button on it that lets me advance the screen one frame in whatever direction, and if you hold it down you move quickly, just like a movie, wherever you’d like to go. There is a creature in Hell that I am documenting, in a Wild Kingdom sort of way.

my plan for tomorrow:

2009-07-06T01:34:00.002-07:00

wake up. Not as difficult as it usually is, I assume, as i am incomprehensibly tired RIGHT NOW and it's not even 2 am. You may say, "but that is quite late indeed." And oh, perhaps you are right. But you have not been living my voodoo twilight zone sleep schedule the last week or so, and 2 am seems like 10 pm to me! It's a relief. I think my sleep trouble has been aided and abetted by the forces of dust in my room...i lay down on my bed, and immediately STUFF UP. All up in my nose parts. Very unpleasant.

Following waking up (a very important step!) I plan to get up, clean myself, eat a small food item, and then clean my room. I want to clean my room...I look at it right now, and i think, "I can do better." Indeed, I CAN. I am 150% sure this will happen. SO, that then.

THEN buy mums for mom. (85% sure)

THEN purchase ingredients for...

...HOMEMADE BLACKBERRY OR CHERRY OR RASPBERRY ICECREAM.

now, climb aboard my train of thought here. I was visiting a lovely site I daily enjoy, The Pioneer Woman, and was instantly enamored with her blackberry ice cream. It doesn't help that she takes such luscious pictures. The ice cream just cried out to me in the language of ice cream, challenging me to master it, and then perhaps consume it. I am 65% I will make this happen. Why so low a percentage?

Weather.

It may be raining, and will at the least be drearily overcast. The last few days the weather has been icky warm. I'm not much one for the heat. At all. OH FIE! IF ONLY THIS ICE CREAM HAD CALLED TO ME EARLIER I COULD HAVE ENJOYED IT AND SCOFFED AT THE FURIOUS HOT SUN RAYS! But no. The ice cream has come to me now...and if it's just too cold and dreary, i might prefer a good blanket/book experience, or the company of my charcoals. But still...the ice cream. It has such a sweet siren song. And really, follow that link. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Here in the Ebacher house we have no fancy, machine-driven nonsense when it comes to our ice cream fabrications unit. All hand cranking. We WORK for our calories, and that's how we like it. Your arm is sore from all that cranking? You've been cranking for over an hour and a half now? Well good. Because your reward is nothing less than ice cream. Wouldn't electricity and laziness just take all the fun out of that? Don't argue with me. It would. So that's the workout I look forward to, if such plans come to fruition.

In other news I (with the assistance of my friend Brittany) cleaned the kitchen. Bleached the grout. Cleaned and organized glass, metal, tupperware and msc. cabinets. Tackled mountains of mugs. Scrubbed suspicious looking black spots. Rearranged kitchen magnets. Swept. Ultimately, I believe I was possessed by some deity of domestic order. It was hard work, but the satisfying result made my day.

Did I mention I baked blueberry muffins this morning, and made some seriously good oatmeal? I did that too.

IDK. I like this stuff.

- me

flock of dreams from night of 5/25

2009-05-26T13:23:00.001-07:00

(female) I dreamt that I had some kind of control over solid matter, like telekenesis, only when I used my power and controlled the movement of a thing it would also make it briefly sentient, able to problem solve, and would become a kind of servant to me. I controlled a banister and made it bend in a different direction than it had been originally laying, and when I did it also wrapped itself around the midsection of a bad person to control them. I have no memory of the context – why I was on the staircase, why there were bad guys behind me, etc. However I remember that I did feel irritated and frustrated with life – like people didn’t appreciate me or my power and I was just leaving them al and better nobody get in my way.

(female) In another dream I was speaking with a girl from my sorority, she looked a bit like Kristin Wampach or Sierra Gale (popular girls in my middle and high schools) but as a member of her sorority she treated me as her equal. I came up with the idea of a fancy dress ball – period costumes only, (they would have to be tailor made for each individual guest, but we were embers of an elite sorority on an expensive college campus and that would not be an issue) and each guest would be encouraged to donate a sum of money to the sorority. We would have people who would maintain proper distance between guests, and classes beforehand to teach eager guests how to dance the dances that would be required. Sierra/Kristin seemed open to the idea, and we continued to debate it (and I continued to think about it). If I had a billion katrillion dollars I would wear beautiful, fancy, tailor made dresses everyday I think. For the novelty of it, and for vanity as well I’m sure. As we were preparing for the fancy dress party later we were moving a desk, and I was told that the kid from the Shining had left a small, patchwork square hanging from a metal pipe along the bottom of the desk. This patchwork square had been the real source of his finger-friend’s powers, his own powers, and he had always kept it in his fist when the finger guy was talking, or in his pocket. I didn’t want to look at the thing for fear I would then have his powers!

(male) In a separate dream I was in some form or another of “olden days,” and had been cared for by a strange, shy, balding thin man dressed in red at his inn by the wharf. I was explaining that I was a blood elf merman. He was explaining how such a thing seemed totally impossible to him, him being a man of science of some kind. I thanked him for his hospitality (I felt well and fit, although I had been unconscious when he had found me) and leapt into the water off the dock. When I surfaced I had a tail and fins on my arms, gills, and a sparkly red and black scaled pattern across the whole of my body. My former caretaker was flabbergasted and waved as I swam off. I dove down very deep and surfaced by a great cathedral (like notre dame) and then transformed back into my human form. I walked into the cathedral and transformed back after I leapt into their enormous baptismal font. This font is one of very few enterances into the hidden high-seat of the merpeople, of which I am a member of the court. Once I had descended to the very bottom of the aquifer another merperson, this one female, greeted me enthusiastically. I’d been away for some time, and was an important member of the court.

(male) In another dream I was driving a contraption that Chris had made, that was kind of like a dune buggy, but involved a laundry basket as the seat. I was chasing a woman who had a high speed flying machine that had no wings or obvious propulsion, it just looked like a long H, where she put her feet on one set of spokes and held on with her arms on the other. She fired a pistol directly at my head, and I took the shot, and my vehicle spun out. I had been going through some kind of transition into an insectoid/human hybrid, and so I came back to life and peeled off the outer layer of my face (the outer layer had turned black and the under layer was again, just normal looking human tissue). I told the angry bag girl that it felt good to get that layer off, it had made it difficult to breathe when I had it on. I laughed at her and we continued our pursuit. Throughout this dream I looked like the actor who played in Iron Man.

(female) I am Olivia Benson and Stable and I are on an investigation of a child-sized but not child-minded murderer. He has trapped us in a warehouse and planned our deaths, which for some reason we acquiesce to. I think the murderer threatened to kill our families if we didn’t kill ourselves. Stabler asks that instead of being drowned in a foamy mess (apparently this was our predestined fate) he be drowned in kerosene. We walked into a room and there were several bottles of foam (kind of like shaving foam!) shooting in arcs close together, maybe 10 or so. So I started my drowning, and got high in the process because the fumes of the foam were like that. Stabler pretended to go unconscious in the kerosene but he knew at a certain point that the murderer would stop watching and he would then help me to escape. So we did that, but I was still high (which is what he was trying to avoid – us BOTH being high would mean neither of us would be clearheaded enough to aid in escape) and we continued our pursuit of the bad guy!

Things influencing this dream:
I mentioned how much I think Olivia Benson is hot, just yesterday. I have been thinking about Victorian dresses and the Victorian era for the last couple days, and how much I would like a tailor-made dress. Blood Elves are in WOW. That's all I got.

last night's dream - reisistance to a totalitarian state! <3

2009-05-05T12:45:00.002-07:00

Dream 5.4.09

I’m a young boy. The world I live in is strictly controlled by the government, and only a minority of the population is aware of their schemes and misdirection. Since I was born I had been a questioner, and people who question rarely live long, they’re supposed to be put in their place. But I was sheltered by my friend Madge, who was the same age as me, a short, ugly girl who was painfully intelligent. She protected me in all things. She believed I was destined for something very important. We had two other friends who were beautiful people that were allied with our cause, good for grunt work, but a little dim. The government did all it could to make you stupid.

At some point I finally got found out and captured. They sent me to a strange location in the middle of our capital city – they launched me away in a rocket! I was unconscious at the beginning of the launch but as I ascended I saw out the window that the whole city was built around this small, burnt impact crater that had since been used as our town square. I believe that aliens had taken control of our society. These “aliens” are from Earth’s dimension, and the world of this boy and Madge and all them is a different one.

Madge continued on as a leader of the resistance. The next time we see her she is at a meeting of resistors, speaking at a podium. She talks about how she is a business woman who in her spare time fixes clocks, and the government allows her to continue because she plays her part well. Someone asks about the boy (me) and she speaks gently and reverently of me. She believes I’ll return, that I’m destined to be the savior of this world, and to lead the resistance. Madge is clever and brave, but her health is weak – she is often hospitalized, and frequently is in a wheelchair. The head of the revolution must be physically strong as well as mentally and spiritually, so she attests. Soon he’ll return.

We (as the viewpoint is now omnipresent) follow home one of the resistance; she’s some kind of lemur I think (apparently talking, conscious animals are part of this dimension). He’s swinging through the trees and we see that there are some of his old friends who are trying to capture him, to turn him in. He swings and we see the faces and reaching arms of them. From tree to tree he flees. He is eventually captured, and as they’re discussing how best to kill him he overhears a conversation about the Boy. The King of this government (for it’s apparently a monarchy) is discussing how the Boy did survive his ordeal, but that he has landed somewhere that the King cannot reach. His assassins, who are Wolves, will not go where the boys is for “the woods there are much wilder” and they are afraid when they enter. I think the boy has landed in earth’s dimension, and that he is protected there, and is being primed to return to this one. The resistor-lemur who was captured feels elation and vindication, and resolves to escape so that he can relate this news.

That’s all I got.

Things influencing this dream: Last night I watched Finding Neverland again, so a young boy protagonist seems pretty natural. Madge reminded me some of the costume designer lady in The Incredibles (except for my dream wasn't animated - and I HAVE had dreams in animation). Parts of this dream remind me of a dream I had a long time ago about a whole world of talking animals with super abilities, so perhaps my subconscious isn't letting that one go and would like me to work it out as a proper story. I seem to dream more on nights where I fall asleep unhappy too; I was feeling lonely and disappointed in myself last night, and so I think my mind gives me dreams like this to distract me. The inside of the rocket reminds me of how I imagined the inside of the rocket on it's way to the mushroom planet in The Wonderful Flight to the Mushroom Planet (a book that Dom loves and owns). Madge being able to fix clocks makes me think of Sylar from Heroes, and I just told Chris and Teresa that I haven't watched all season. The Wolves looked like The Nothing from Neverending Story 2.

Dream 4/25/09

2009-04-26T12:17:00.003-07:00

So I had some of the saddest dreams ever last night (4.25.09)

The dream that made the biggest impression on me: I started out in my parent’s house – but it’s not the same house as this one. Instead it has some wall to wall rugs, and is pretty damn charming. I wish I lived there, really. A bunch of relatives come to stay because someone (maybe Mara…lol, again) is getting married. Not me. And I’ve helped them clean in a massive, massive way so that the house is the best it’s ever been. Uncle Brian and Aunt Vicky are some of the relatives over to stay, and they brought with them a big orange mane coon, Who’s name is Aster or Caster or something like that. He greets the day by leaping on his hind legs for a while wherever he’s going. It’s adorable, but strange, and a little frightening because he’s unpredictable and could launch himself at you unexpectedly for pets…claws out. But Aster is leaping down the hallway toward me and then past me, the hallway with a long reddish rug all the way down it. It’s not a frightening hallway, not creepy and cavernous, there’s a ¾ wall that opens into the well-lit kitchen, which is getting all the morning sun.

I’m in the hallway (still?) later that afternoon, and clouds have moved in. I’m talking to someone who is a stranger to me, and there is an older woman too, who looks like Maude from the Golden Girls. The stranger is my age or a tiny bit older, female, very attractive to me and not in an unapproachable way. I feel shy around her. It’s at this point I realize we’re not really in 2009, but possibly in the 1800’s because we’re all in period dress. Maude is cooking something on the stove (onions?) in a big metal pot and the young woman is helping her. I’m shyly making conversation when it starts to rain. It looks like rain. The kitchen windows are wide open but it seems like we don’t have glass in those windows, the rain just comes in. But it’s not rain, it’s pellets of rock, hot rocks like from a volcano. They’re painful when they hit you, and so I duck behind on of the only places where the pellets can’t seem to reach. I’m kind of outside, but under an overhang, and just protected enough by the wall that the pellets can’t reach me. I call to the young stranger, but she looks at Maude, who seems to strongly disapprove of me. I am trying to assure her that I’m safe, that I’m alright, and the young woman seems to want to believe me, but the older woman’s obvious disapproval prevents her from joining me. I realize that young woman is the bride in this time period, suddenly, with a mix of shame and relief that I didn’t do anything to make an ass out of myself.

A second part to the dream, or possibly an entirely new dream: I’m at school, and we’re at something like a sock hop. The gym we're in reminds me of JDZ's gym. I’ve gone with what seem to be the only lesbian couple, but they’re not known that way because Tora, the butchy dyke of the couple, passes easily as a male and doesn’t bother to correct people when they misidentify her gender. Julia is blonde, of average height and slight build, and wears a beautiful dress. Tora wears clothes like a gangster, baggy pants, shirt with writing on it and a big logo on the front, but her face – even in the dream – reminds me strongly of Bre. I’m very attracted to Tora, but recognize that she’s happily settled with Julia. We’re all twenty-somethings, and yet we’re also in school together, apparently high school. Torah sings Julie a love song in between two dances. I feel happy for them, but sad that I have no one of my own.

Suddenly a rich punk lunges at me. He takes me by the hair and pushes me down, slapping my face, then my back as I turn away in fear. I get angry and I turn around and fight back. The whole time he’s saying things like “dirty faggot” etc, things to hurt me that only do in a distant way. I see his face twisted in stupid anger and yet joy at the violence he’s inflicting. (This scene reminds me of Jane Eyre, which I'm currently reading - the fight between Jane and John near the beginning of the book) A principal comes and seperates us – Rich guy get’s off scott free and I’m being told I’ll be suspended for this. I’m taken to the principal’s office.

In an attempt to explain myself, I say this:

“Sir, that guy, think what his life will be like? He’s rich, his family is. He’ll go to a good school and meet a beautiful wife and have beautiful children and have a beautiful, blessed life. And what will happen to me? I’m poor. I’m a lesbian which is why I keep getting in fights. I probably won’t find someone for me, I won’t marry. I probably won’t make it to my 30th birthday.” He listens to this, and says he’ll forgive my behavior today but not to get in any further trouble. But my own admission – that I’ll be alone and die that way, still young – haunts me and I wake with the saddest feeling ever in my gut. I never guess that any part of my subconscious felt so damn self-pitying about the whole gay thing.

As I woke, I had a final dream, and it was so brief yet it made an impression. There are two knights on a desolate battlefield, armed with swords and shields. One is black and one is dark green, but they look nearly the same in the moonlight. They are fighting bitterly, and I realize they’ve been fighting this way forever, since time began. The black knight slays the green (or is it the other way around? There’s no way to tell yet I want to know, as though it matters) and he falls on the ground. He lies very still, and the metal of his armor erodes away to dust. From that dust emerges a knight exactly the same as the one who died, but his armor shines more in the light. He takes up the fight again.

Strange dreams. Night of 4/25/09

Things that influenced these dreams: the actress who played Maude on Golden Girls died yesterday. Reading Jane Eyre, which is all from the point of view of a clever, but bitter protagonist that is continually victimized (so far, I'm only half done!), and that was kind of the theme of the dreams, excluding the final vignette. As I was waking I must have briefly glanced at my bookshelf; box set for Narnia has a picture of a knight in black and a boy in blue/green fighting with swords and I carried that back to my mini-dream. Also last night Brittany and I were talking about the liklihood of me being a victim of a senseless hate-crime, and I argued that I'm less likely to be targeted than a black man, because at least I'm not obviously gay ALL the time, wheras he's always obviously black. But just thinking about getting attacked for being gay must have disturbed me enough for it to leek into my dreams.

When I woke I felt very very sad, but I've been working on cheering myself up. Really, it's silly for me to feel bad about my lot, and who says I'll never meet the right girl? I might. And I have family and friends, they wouldn't let me die out in the cold, and even if I DID end up single the rest of my life...I have those same family and friends, it's not as though there isn't warmth or joy in my life as I am.

<3 Maddie

Hang On, Little Tomato

2009-04-18T01:29:00.002-07:00

There's so much to write about. I often get overwhelmed when I'm about to start a journal entry...I think about those who read my journal (mostly family, and a friend or two) and what they may or may not care to hear about. What it might be uncomfortable for others to read. It's always difficult for me to refrain from censoring myself too heavily. But journals are supposed to be for me, for my benefit, right? I feel divided on the issue. Because of this, I'm going to brush past some things, and you (dear reader) will probably notice the absence. Know that I'm privately journalling my feelings elsewhere (in an actual paper journal - how retro of me, I know!) and that I don't omit treating these issues online because I don't care...just that some laundry doesn't need to be aired in public, I guess.

So what AM I willing to share? Well, I'm in-between relationships. That is the kindest way to put it. I met a girl named Brittany, who is beautiful and interesting and kind, but not right for me right now for many reasons. Reasons that I am allowing to prevent me from dating her, but not prevent me from being friends. She's not out. She's too young for me (but of legal age, let's make that clear, lol). Other reasons too, but those are the main ones. Our friendship is a careful one on my part. We like eachother, and it seems she likes me enough that she's willing to put up with my limitations...no kissing, no non-friend contact, but getting to know eachother and be friends in a proper sense instead of just strangers that the internet magically connected. We communicate a lot, and that really helps us stay honest about how we feel about that. I've told her I won't hold her down...that she has no obligation to me, but she seems pretty sold on getting to know me and is very stubborn for her cause. And it's good, so far, and maybe especially tonight. We saw a movie together, and we were close, but it was relaxed and fun and freeing in a way I can't pin down.

Some friends drift away, and others are coming close again. Bre and I are in better phone contact and actually SAW one another face to face just last week. She's still very important to me, and I'm glad we're getting more involved in eachother's lives again. We talked tonight about life and the choices we make in living it, about relationships (our own and others), about our hangups and kinks. It's always good to hear her voice. I smile so big when I see her name on my phone.

Dani and I are about the same, and though it makes me sad to see so little of her (once a month or so), I understand how school can consume you. The same with my Stinna. Chris and Teresa are as close to me as ever and I count them as dear and trusted friends. Roni and I have recently been texting eachother more, and it's surprising and delightful to know that we've actually started to become true friends. Isn't the internet wonderful? I wouldn't have met her without its help. However, it's basically the only way that I stay in any semblance of contact with Dezi, Steve, Caitlin and Matt. They are all slowly drifting away from me, on their own paths, and although this makes me sad sometimes I also understand. Some people's paths run beside yours for longer periods of time than others. That's ok.

(sigh) I do have so much more to say, in way other veins. This post has been all about relationships, but I've overlooked more basic things...my apple seedlings are doing well in the yard - they overwintered beautifully and are full of leaves. I don't know how to protect them from insects, or how to fertilize them, but hopefully my brother and the internet will help. I still hope to bonzai one of them. I'm still employed with lifetouch, and though the hours are pretty poor (18 this week, ouch) I love what I do and it's enough to make my bills. I bought a new laptop for myself. Macbook Pro 17"...beautiful. Perfect. I love it far more than should, it being a mere piece of technology and all. Also I've fully fallen off the wagon as far as the gym goes, but it becons.

As far as my health goes, it's alright. I've gotten twitchy twitchy legs that bug me most nights. I'm seeing the doctor next week to talk about it. My morning headaches are still an issue, but I bought new pillows tonight to see if that doesn't help. Here's hoping it does.

That's all I'm offering tonight - exhausted, but very content (although twitchy, grumble grumble) I'm off to try and sleep. I love you.

- ME

A Month and A Few Days Later

2009-02-07T17:51:00.002-08:00

I'm laying in my filthy pigsty of a room, with my tiny dog asleep on the blankets beside me. Her cuteness cannot be exceeded. I'm happy in my warm room. I'm happy to have my tiny dog with me.

I had a pretty good day. I woke up initially with a headache...something that's happened a couple times this week. My dreams have been...disconcerting, which can't help the morning headaches. But from the moment I opened my eyes I could see the sun in my window and hear the birds making their morning racket and it was clearly going to be a good day. Better than the rest, this week.

I cleaned the kitchen and family room, listening to my music at blaring volume and singing along. Oh it was good. Then I took Bean and Baccio to the park which they LOVED. We played and socialized with people and dogs for two hours. Left just as the sun was starting to think about setting.

The cold is creeping in my open window now, sky dark with twilight. Looking around...I know how I'm spending the rest of my night. This room will be put to rights!

Yesterday I went on a hike/walk into the woods on the other side of the hill. Not all of the hill is developed yet, and there is a wandering thing in me that needs to go down barely marked trails behind new developments leading who knows where. Turns out the answer to the where was next to Church of the Nazarene at the bottom of the hill. I was surprised, but pleased to know where I was in the end, so the hike back up wasn't too difficult. Hiking in the woods was such fun especially with Bean walking along with me, getting her pretty coat covered in mud, and just as happy anyway. She's a good hiking dog - sticks to the trail, stays close but not underfoot (too much). I took a few pictures that I'll put up later tonight...after my room is where I want it to be.

I feel happy and hopeful for the first time this week. The economy and my very own money situation has been getting me down...but neither of those situations will be improved by a sour disposition I guess. If I look at things with a bit more of a Buddhist eye toward my wants and desires, this recession won't feel quiet as painful for me at least. My needs will be met...others aren't as lucky I know.

So that's just a LITTLE update, afterall. Still single, but today it doesn't hurt too bad. I'm working again with Lifetouch and am bummed that I'll have to get an additional part-time job to supplement the income from that. Less hours than I thought I'd get. I hope I can manage to get a second job, alot of people don't even have ONE. I don't feel too picky though, as long as it's not something that violates my morals (ie, NO MC DONALDS, lol). I play a lot at Chris and Teresa's house, and on WOW. Those are probably my primary forms of entertainment other than TV. I'm still keeping up my activity level, still losing weight and keeping track of it. Next gym day is Monday! <3

That's about it. Today's been a good day.

- me

Turns out there is no lighter note to this one. Suck.

2008-12-04T03:29:00.003-08:00

...so I rather wish I could undo that last post. I COULD delete it...but then, others have read it, and it wouldn't really be authentic to the reality of my life experience. I mean, it's not like I can just delete memories or that date. Although I'd rather like to.

I did go on a date with her. Well, not even a date. An impromptu, rip it off like a bandaid meeting at Sharies. And it went...awry. Not like I puked on her or she was some kind of psycho. She's nice enough. But it turns out I'm an awkward, strange girl and that got really magnified when I met her. I think she brings out the awkward and strange in me. And although that works with some of my friends (god knows why) I don't think she liked the awkward and strange me. So it was just...like that. Those two adjectives. And also painfully so. It was pretty clear within a few minutes of meeting her that that was how it was gonna be. She kind of made me feel like a platypus...you know how the first biologists who ever saw it would have thought. Why is she like this? You can't really be like this? Not that she said these things but I got that feeling.

So yes. I've moved on...more or less. It dented my self-esteem, yeah. Not too bad. If a beautiful woman asked me to go have some coffee I wouldn't turn her down but I would sure be shaking in my boots. I really would like to meet someone who peaks my interest that much...but who can handle me. I know I'm kind of a special kind of person, and it takes a special kind of person to appreciate me, that's all.

I've been thinking about my taste in movies. I'm not super well read, and I'm missing many of the classics from my movie repetoire, but I've started to notice that my taste doesn't really run mainstream. Who's surprised there. Movies I truely love and are under appreciated: Perfume, Quills, Grave of the Fireflies, Hedwig and the Angry Inch (obviously a genre unto itself, and not underappreciated in a cult sort of way, just in a mainstream sort of way), Hard Candy (properly acclaimed by Sundance, but shunned by the public because of it's gritty subject matter. Boo on you public), and lastly and hesitantly added, Brazil. Brazil is a very special addition because it's known pretty widely in film circles (so I've heard, being as I don't belong to any elite, film-loving crust of society) as one of the best movies made. Ever. But included, none the less, because no one other than snobs has even heard of it so far as I can tell. Now the common thread present in all these films is that they make you think...and probably also make your insides want to turn inside out with how bad you feel near the end. I don't know what it says about me that I love movies that make me feel so much pain for the characters. The characters in all of these are painfully real, conflicted, and (in all but Grave of the Fireflies) probably more than a little bit insane. Obviously I like and relate to crazy people, I've known that for some time. But these movies are...well, dark. My love of these movies has forced me to recognize that there is a part of me that is profoundly dark and morbid, and that I'm alright with it being there.

I'd also like to say that if I'd seen more work that Joaquin Phoenix acted in (which now I feel compelled to do!) there'd me more movies on this list that includes him, because he's BRILLIANT in Quills. I kind of fell in love with him, and me being gay, that's a feat. Just to say but it doesn't hurt that he's in love with Kate Winslet in that movie either, and that because of him I got to see some boobies. Thanks, Joaquin, for being a sport. But truely, his acting was pretty damn masterful and caught a kind of James Dean edge to his angst without being cloying or forced. Anything but. He has a very mobile face, his expression reads very clearly, his eyes too are amazingly expressive. I was watching, and thinking that if I were able to remake Twilight and cast my own people (with a more careful script too) he would make a ridiculously awesome Edward...except for him being a few years too old for the role - but in this scenario I have a time machine also and can force him to take the role when he himself is in his late teens. Yes.

About Twilight - I really honestly didn't mean to fall so hard for the books. I'm not fifteen anymore. I can recognize emotional manipulation, an author feeding off the ridculous romantic roleplaying that most teens happily engage in, lacking of course in actual intellegent, compassionate partners. But lets face it - my own relationship experiences have been painful at best. The greatest loves I've endured have been not only without reciprocation but mostly without expression. That kind of pathetic pining is a chief component of these books. No really. I don't mean to get down on myself about that or anything, I'm sure I'll meet the right girl someday and I'll be able to burn the Twilight books in a great big bonfire. That'd be ok. But what's a fandom without fangirls drooling over what's-his-face? I'm not, understandibly, drooling over any guy, but I do kind of drool over the idea of being so ridiculously in love with someone and have that sparkly sort of relationship. And come on, vampires. I love vampires. It's all Buffy's fault, then Anne Rice a close second. I know it's juvenile of me to obsess like I've been, but anytime I'm reminded in some way of how those books make me feel, I just want to go reread and be immersed in their sparkly, sparkly love all over again. Like when I first read Mercedes Lackey's series: Magic's Pawn, Magic's Promise, Magic's Price. It's the tragedy and inevitability of forbidden love. And then they all die (they always do! In all my favorite movies and books and everything!). It makes my heart feel like it's going to explode and implode at the same time. I'm such a sucker.

So there's all that. I never really come to conclusions about myself...what I am, who I am. I just am, as far as I can tell. I don't get this "figuring out who you are" business that so many people seem to indulge in. "Self" seems like a fluid, ever evolving thing to me...well, there are bits that seem pretty constant, but the majority that makes up my "self" seems to be just whims and experiences and current obsessions. I don't dare pin down parts and say "that's it! That's me!" because next week that probably won't be quite so true. And that's alright with me. The essential bits are obvious enough to me, and I'm still pretty often surprised by what I end up liking and disliking. I never thought I'd like that photo job and holy shit I sure do. A lot. Like I could probably do it for quite a few years and not get sick of it and it'd still rock my world. It's not even art and I like it. That's neat.

Other than the above thoughts that have been cycling through my head, I've bought NEARLY all my Christmas presents. Stinna still doesn't have one. Mara doesn't have a b-day gift yet. But every major holiday and b-day up and coming in my life is covered. I feel great about that...I wrapped a bunch today and I am just about the best damn present wrapper on that planet. I felt like taking pictures I was so proud of them. Seems a shame it's just paper that will probably be ripped apart without much thought, but that's the whole reason it's got to be done with care...just like gift giving...you don't do it to bring attention to yourself, you to it so they can enjoy it. And if enjoy means destroying what you worked to make, that's what it takes then and you don't feel sad about it a bit. :)

Starting to feel more like Christmas. Not working at Santa's helps. Of course, Christmas makes me feel the most lonely out of all the year (other than my birthday, that can feel pretty fucking lonely too without a pile of friends to make it better). Everyone has someone for Christmas, it seems especially this Christmas. Both my sisters have their life-partners (phrased that way because Miesha and Chris aren't married...yet). Dom's got Kelsie. Dani and Stinna and Teresa all have met the loves of their respective lives. Other than Bre I'm my only single friend, and she's way the fuck out in nowhere's-ville,and consummately a bad match for me (learned, of course, from experience). All I'm saying is, I'll probably be fighting off a bad case of jealous, bitter, miserable single-girl for the next month or so. I've already started feeling it. I don't know what to do to fend it off...I just try to ignore it, just recognize it's there and refuse to let it ruin my life. Yeah, woe is me right? lolz. I don't even know if I WANT to date right now...mostly I don't believe I'll meet someone who really gets me and figures I'm a risk worth taking. This is gonna sound really pathetic, but I don't have much of a faith in anything right now, least of all my ability to attract good and/or good for me people into my life.

Ok, that was kind of a pity-fest. It's late, and I'm all hormoney, and I have an art piece stuck in me that's making me pretty irritable, so I'm not at all concerned that I'll feel this sorry for myself in the morning after some good sleep. But for the moment, I'm glad I'm exhausted, cause thinking about myself is goddamn depressing.

- me

ok so...

2008-11-28T02:18:00.003-08:00

I met a girl online today.

I know that online dating is lame. I know it on a level, just like I know that star trek is lame and anime has a great potential to be or to make one lame. But I also feel that the internet can have one of two effects on a person...it either makes you ridiculously, confession-style honest, or you lie a lot because you can. Because this is me, I do the honest thing. I'm like that in real life too, but online I'm even worse. So I end up (maybe that's past tense! Ohhh that'd be nice!) hoping I'll attract a like minded, honest person. Someone who doesn't see the point in lying when there's such a huge gap in space, sometimes in time, between this computer and the one under the hands of whoever's on the other line.

And so I got this message today, and it was intruiging. It was very polite, but genuinely interested, and she sounded...like if I totally ignored her she was prepared for that and that'd be ok, but she would much prefer I contact her. So I went to her page and omg. I could not build a person I would be more interested in I think. That sounds ridiculous but it's true. And it doesn't hurt that she's REALLY beautiful, I mean truly and way out of my league. Like if Angeline Jolie didn't look so plastic and had some of her genes mixed with that beautiful black woman on Fringe and a bit of the actress from resident evil. I was so completely sold on her from reading her bio and all her answers to the standard "getting to know you" questions on there, but then I saw her pictures and felt this cold pit of dread well up in me because she is SO pretty. I had to go back and reread her message where she said she thought I was interesting. It didn't seem possible. I hope my one picture of myself on the site didn't mislead her. And then I noticed she was online! So I messaged her, because I decided what the hell, better attempted than not.

We spent like...3 hours talking online. It was mostly my fault...I appologized for drilling her but she really didn't seem to mind my curiosity and interest. She gave me her number. I'm thinking this thing that just started today could be a really good thing. I'm hoping it's true.

See, I've been reading the Twilight books. They're bad. I mean, they're fantastic because they make my heart beat like a drum and I cry and I hug the book and laugh at it and love the characters. They're bad in that when I finish them, any of them, I can't get out of that romantic funk. The one where I remember that I'm single and have no one to cuddle or tease or kiss. And then I get kind of mopey for a while until I snap out of it. So when this girl messaged me, I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it if she ended up just blowing me off halfway through the conversation...because from the little I know of her so far, I do really like her, and I didn't want to project all my desire for a big sappy romance onto her unnecessarily. I still don't. Way too early for that. WAY. I know that. But part of me really can't help hoping I get the chance.

So, thank you okcupid! You're not worthless afterall! I've met people through okcupid before, but I've never been quite so...well, I've said all that already. But I'm excited! Like really hopeful and a bit wary but pretty damn excited!

I hate to psych myself out. I would hate to invest too much emotional energy into this and just have it deflate suddenly in front of my eyes. But I'm a wildly emotional person, it's true. And my emotions are all hoping and dreaming and going in girly, gooey little love-struck circles. And that's just fine.

I get this nervous flutter in my chest at the thought of hearing her voice. I wonder what it'll sound like. And if I'll be disappointing in person. My self-esteem in my own appearance is pretty crap these days, but knowing that I AM losing weight and having my new haircut helps. But still, I know I'm not as pretty as I could be and that bothers me. It would really hurt for us to meet and for her to be not attracted to me at all. That would so suck. I know I'm not without my charms though, so if my appearance doesn't impress I'll be damned if I let her walk away without putting in a good effort of winning her over.

This reminds me of when I first met Liz...how I was full of questions for her, baffled by her apparent interest in me, suprised by the feeling that we'd always known eachother and that I could just relax and be my weird, ridiculous self. It's just like that in some ways, but also I feel like I'll get to dig some of her out of herself and that will be fun. I'm currently resisting going back and looking at her profile again. I will not be weird and creepy and stalkerish to this girl that I really don't know at all. I won't. I'm going to control myself and let things progress at their own rate, and play out as they will.

I feel like I'll surprise her a lot and that'll be fun too. This all from just a few hours of conversation, mind you (you mysterious you, you!) and who knows how wrong I might be even just tomorrow.

But for tonight I'm [see above for multiple descriptions]! Mysterious you, hope with me! I'd love someone to love, and to love me too!

<3 Maddie

New Holiday - Obama Day!

2008-11-04T22:48:00.002-08:00

I post to celebrate the president elect, Obama, and to wave a (not so) sad farewell to that bastion of the old brigade, McCain.

Adieu, dear John...I shan't miss your lumpy, melty face, your watery eyes, or your frightening political promises, but I will certainly miss your role as dramatic foil to my bff Barak.

I've been afraid for America and sick of the political morass we've been stuck in since highschool. It didn't matter how often I voted, or how often I voiced concerns...Bush still became president and then he was reelected. I watched and listened as gay rights slipped and were undermined by countless bigoted policies. Shocked by the aggression and apparent idiocy of the president, I began to gave up hope in my country. How could the majority of the country have elected this man? The fear-mongering was understandably persuasive, especially following the attacks of 9-11. We needed to trust in someone...but I think we firmly ended up backing a bully. Bush was a good-old boy...I suppose people empathized with him, saw something of the guy down the street in him. The guy down the street who swore, and drank, and had all that trash on his front yard and brought down property values. And threw his garbage over the fence.

But as the primaries began and I began to research the candidates, I fell in love with Obama. I could only love him more if he were female. His policies. His charm. His candor and presidential demenor (even from the getgo) impressed me. I didn't know if he would be able to maintain that cool throughout the inevitably lengthy race to the white house, but I hoped; in part, because he hoped. And when he won the primaries, I did everything I could to not sink all of my hopes into his. I wanted him to win so badly. I began to look at living overseas, in part because I like the idea overall, but also in part to provide an escape route if McBush won.

Two days ago I had a dream that McCain won. It haunted me. I just want so much more from America.

And then, tonight. Tonight, when Obama won. He won. I'm still in shock. The first African-American president. A democrat to overturn the policies of Bush. A first family with two adorable little girls, and Michelle Obama, a force unto herself. It's so awesome.

Now I'm cautious, only in that it seems so good it can't be true. I hope he's got some awesome secret service agents watching everything, protecting him at every turn. Because charismatic leaders in this country have a very poor track record. Lincoln. MLK. JFK. Yeah, you see the common thread there. So I pray for Obama and for his safety - I want him to be able to live his dream, to make so many Americans' dreams a reality.

I don't know if he will keep his promises. I hope he does. I hope he turns out to be the person he appears he could be. And if he isn't...well, nothing can be as bad as Bush was. And that's a bit of sunshine to light my day.

-me

a quick update on life.

2008-08-29T01:55:00.003-07:00

Alright, I know it's like...SOOOOO late, but I'm so behind on posting about my life that I decided (executive decision style) that I need to at least say something about what's been going on!

So I have my puppy, Bean. We've covered that she's a HUGE part of my life - her potty training is going well, she's on her second week of recovery from her spay and her incision and stitches look just great. She's a puppy so she has so much energy it's amazing. All that energy is totally wasted right now though, as i don't dare take her on walks or let her play with the big dogs as long as she has her stitches in! She's a low rider, you know, and could easily rub her belly on something while say, jumping up a curb, and rub her incision or even pull her stitches. So I play with her a bit in the grass each time we go out, and for now that's ok. She's a lub.

For the last two weeks I've been house sitting/cat sitting/dog sitting for Teresa and her mom. A little extra money, but mostly it was so that I could love somewhere else for a while and just get the feel of apartment life. It's a really really really good feel. Sure makes me want one of my own! Chris, Teresa's beau, told me he has a friend looking for a roommate, and rent wouldn't be over 300. Vancouver proper. It sounds too good to be true and that maybe...but I'm willing to take the chance at least to meet him and get a sense of the situation.

Also I got hired. FOR SERIOUS! I'm working with Lifetouch, the school photo company. I'm a photographer. Yeah, it's actually a lot of fun. I thought it would be kind of like santa photos...just kind of poke a button, let the machine do it's thing, get yelled at by parents and kids etc. But it's a lot more hands on with the photography, and you get to actually pose the kids more and interact more. It's fantastic! And yeah, high paced and difficult kids and parents even sometimes, but I like an element of challenge to my work. My coworkers are, on the whole, amazing but no real potential "friends" as far as I've met so far. I'm really choosey about that afterall, and shy. Maybe more shy than choosey. I think I'd rather confide my whole life story to a stranger than let them see my bedroom or have a meal with me. People are so unpredictable, afterall.

Tomorrow I go in for a meeting for work, which I'm not looking forward to. Beaverton. Rush hour on the way back, without a doubt. But also submitting paperwork, and next week another paycheck...which will be good news of course. Any money is good money.

So for a while I wanted a Wii. Now I only a tiny bit do. Because...want is the root of pain, isn't it? Do I know nothing of Hinduism? Buddhism? Taoism? And even Christ asks us to consider the lilies of the field, the creatures of the air, etc. It would put me back financially, when I need to be saving for moving out and funding my dreams. I'm a squirrel in the fall, storing nuts everywhere to feed me through the winter. I don't need to piddle it away on toys. And I'm not great at the self-control thing or being responsible so that's a pretty big thing for me to recognize I think. Semi-mature of me.

I better go to sleep so I'm not wiped tomorrow at the meeting.

I'm really looking forward to Sunday...I'm going to see what the Protestants up the street are up to, and see if it doesn't feel the little hole in my heart that's been there since leaving Minnesota and coming to this religious desert! I know there is a place for me.

Artistically, I'm about to start a piece for miesha...a giant ear in charcoal. Technical drawing!!! OOoooh! THere's a huge and awesome challenge! I'm so looking forward to that too.

My health has been alright. Yesterday there was a fuzzy brain migraine and I've got this little cold clinging to me. But my PCOS and my IC are doing alright with only occasional flare ups of the IC if I don't drink enough water or cheat with the caffeine. Then I deserve it of course.

Overall...I'm really happy with life right now. Sunny spot! I'm glad for that. I have some friends going through some dark times and I'm glad I can be light for them!!

That's about it, night night!

- me

My Little Beanie-Weenie!

2008-07-16T23:44:00.003-07:00

So my life has been, since Monday, primarily occupied with the training and entertainment of my new longhair dachshund puppy, Bean. I love her to little pieces of pieces, even though she can be a perfect terror sometimes. <3 To read daily updates on our struggles and successes and general gab on my ideas behind dog training, visit Bean's blog at http://doxiebean.blogspot.com/ . I'm going to talk about NON-Bean related things in THIS blog, so as not to sound like a total mushball insane dog person, but trust me, it's all a show.

So I went to Miesha's place Thu-Sun, and it was an absolutely AWESOME time. We played, shopped (welllll, grocery shopped) ate delicious food, and saw one HELL of an awesome concert! Now that I look back, I can't believe I got to see Eddie Izzard. He's really like, the ONLY celebrity I "follow" in any way - like I know some of his history and I've heard all his routines and noticed his appearance in movies and tv and such. We (Miesha and I) agree it was hardly his best show, but even Eddie's worst routine would be better than LOTS of comics' best, so it was still lovely and a good time was had by all. Miesha and I had some good talks, which were mostly (and unfortunately) about me, and about religion and my current struggles with it. I excuse myself a little since I was having SUPER CRAZY HORMONE days, like crying at ridiculous things and getting irritated or angry for no good reason. Stupid hormones. PMS is the pits! But still...it's nice to process yourself outloud sometimes, and Miesha was nice enough to let me. Love you sister. I don't talk much about my feelings on this subject because I feel mostly prickly and conflicted and don't much like to talk to people who are...well, less conflicted. But it was good food for thought anyway.

On the way home we stopped by Dom and Kelsie's and I got to meet a baby related to pigpigpigpigpigpig and pigpig herself! The rule is you can attatch as many "pigs" onto her name as you feel like at the time, you see. Well pigpigpig is SOOOOO full of little babies! She looks like she has two fur covered barrels strapped to her sides. I was informed by mom that I'm not allowed to have one, and since I have Bean now it wouldn't be fair to a baby guinea pig since I give so much attention to my dog and the guinea pig wouldn't get played with enough/much. But still...it'd be adorible! I also got to see his ridiculously flourishing flora fruit and vegetable plants and his chickens. Chickens with feathers on their feet, that do not yet lay eggs. Right now, all they do is eat, poop, sleep and make noise. Like a baby, but without the cuddling and with more feathers. AND they gave me PRESENTS! It was like the birthday that wouldn't end! A ridiculous amount of wonderful presents which made me feel sheepish and wonder what I did to deserve presents of that amount. I guess they like me. lol.

I could see myself living ala Dom and Kelsie. Really. Off on my own in a wooded place. I'd want the house already there, but I'd love to keep my own garden, and I'd have lots of roses that the deer would probably come out of the woods to munch on in the thoughtful manner that deer prefer when destroying carefully tended flora. And maybe a kiln out back. I'd have a studio with a wheel, and a big easel and a light box and a desk for crafting with wire and paper and such. And my kitchen would be my own and I would know everything in every cupboard, and it would be filled only with food I liked, and I could eat as much or as little of any item as I wanted. I would wake up on a clear, cold morning and wrap up in a shawl and take a hot cup of tea to the front porch and just sit on the steps with my dog and watch the sun move and the birds fly and the time pass.

I've always seen myself living alone. Sometimes I think that's lonely, but most of the time, and now included, I just think it's ideal. To live all on my own, I can have all my eccentricities without critique, and I have no one to ask permission from and no one to apologize to. I can just be. When you're with other people, how do you just "be"? I, at least, am always focused on the needs and concerns of the other person or people. I try to help myself "not care" what other people feel or think about me, but until I'm away from people I always feel an under-current of stress, a certain degree of tension in everything I do and say and think about. I don't think of myself as high-strung really. As soon as I get away and on my own it's all so much better and I'm just content. Alone is where I learn, and where I make art, and where I sing, and where I am happiest. It seems to me that people think that those who choose to live alone and away from others are weird and maybe dangerous. Well, for weird, I fit the bill. But I am extremely not dangerous, lol. And of course I'd go to the town and spend cash once a week or so with groceries and some socializing. I wouldn't be completely cut off, I do like interacting with people...just not all the time. Not even the majority of the time. And well, I think that's ok. As long as I do good in the world and make some kind of difference, I think I'll be alright.

And...that's enough thought for now, it is SO bed time.

<3 me.

I'M GETTING MY OWN DOG!!!

2008-07-09T22:42:00.003-07:00

So today was my parents 31st wedding aniversary. That doesn't sound like it's connected to the title, but it is. So I made delicious lemon bars and helped set the table and make dinner. As we were sitting around at the end of the meal, Mara told us about this strange dream she had (I'm sure she'll relate it if you ask her) and then I mentioned (pout pout) how I seriously dream about having my own puppy or kitty every night. And I do. And dad said "now don't get all excited...etc etc...but I know someone with a dachshund who is looking for a new owner!" and I said "of course I say yes. I want my dog. That sounds like my dog - girl, small, cute! Meets my dog standards! But I was outvoted on this before since it's not my house." And mom and dad must have had a small conversation then, and they agreed to let me have my dog! They're going to pay for her, (my birthday gift! whee! Happy birthday to me!) and Mara is going to help me buy toys and bed and food for her! YAY!!!!

SO then Dad called the breeder/owner up (her name is Carol) and arranged for us to go up to her house right then and see the little girl. Her name is Annie right now, but I intend to rename her Bean - she's young enough to take to a new name pretty readily. My little Bean! Yay! She's a chocolate dapple longhair dachshund, and will never get above 10 lbs. Travel sized! We visited with Carol and Bean and her dachshund compadres, and Carol decided she unreservedly thought I would be a great owner for her little baby. Oh I'm so excited!

She looks A LOT like this, because this is her mommy!:

So that happens on Monday!

Tomorrow I go to a job interview with a photography company, which I look forward to. It's in the morning. I just don't know what to do with myself until I get my dog. Thankfully on Thursday or Friday I'll be going up to Bellingham and I'll have Miesha and my fam to distract me starting then. But honestly. OMG. I'm going to have my dog!

I'M GOING TO HAVE MY DOG AND LIFE IS GOING TO BE MORE AWESOME THAN EVER I'M SO EXCITED AHHHH!!!!

<3 me

The great camping trip 08! (1)

2008-07-02T20:57:00.010-07:00

Pictures from the great camping trip 08! (2)

2008-07-02T20:38:00.002-07:00

I'm sick of trying to make these pictures flow in the way I want...so I'm just gonna spit em out here. Enjoy.

One great hike...

2008-07-02T20:26:00.008-07:00

It's been a long time since I posted....so now you get lots of pictures. This post will focus on the highlights of a hike dad and I took up Cape Horn. The above picture is of some nearly spent larkspar - it was blooming all over the place on our way up!

it was gorgeous. I huffed and puffed the whole way. The final pics are my two favorites:

The Great Ebacher Quilt

2008-05-28T22:40:00.002-07:00

So I've been meaning to blog about this the last couple of days, but Mara and Pat have kept me busy having fun with them.

I was doing my thing, running around the internet a week or two ago, learning things. First I learned a bit about bonsai. I think it's AWESOME and would love to collect my own from the wild and/or train one of my apple seedlings to be a bonsai, possibly cascading as that style really strikes me. Learned a bunch about it. Then I went to etsy, one of my favorite web places. Art coming out of their ears, over there. Although I'm yet to buy anything it inspires me endlessly, and I got to looking at quilts. Then the idea struck.

How about I sew a quilt? No really. A big quilt, for a queen or king sized bed. And being that I get ambitious with art in this fashion, why not have it be all about the fam? So here's how it goes. Later, perhaps, I'll post a nice little diagram to better visually represent this.

Around the perimeter each person gets one big square (1 ft x 1 ft) with just their name and some embroidery. Next to it (either beside or below) this same person has a large that is broken up into nine 4x4 inch blocks, each of these depicting visually an aspect of their personality or personal experience that they feel defines who they are and that they would like to use to represent themselves. So for example, I'll have a block with a little panda for china, as that study abroad experience broadened and deepened me and opened me up to the world in a way. Miesha wants to have ABC as one of her blocks to represent her love of language and pursuit of speech pathology. These small blocks will be done with individual applique and then pieced all together. There will be two additional blocks to represent interests that are common to the whole family - like the names of our foreign exchange students, owned pets, and direct inlaws. That's all on the outside. On the inside will be the Ebacher crest (yes we have a crest). I'm thinking the main colors I'll use for background will be red and cream, because black shows up nicely on both and I'd like to do most of the stitching with white and black threads.

Now I know what you're about to say. I'm insane. I know that. This is one of those big projects over the course of which I'll learn a lot of skills and probably around the middle I'll grow very frustrated with. It will occupy a lot of my free time. But I think it's AWESOME and a future heirloom, and how cool to have that in the fam, really? The idea that mom had was that after I finish sewing it, it could be exchanged between family members at christmas, and each year that family member would have it all year. Isn't that awesome? I think it's awesome.

So far I've got my squares, dad's, miesha's, and mara's. Dom, you're the only one left! So think about it and get back to me soon. Don't think too hard about it, though - impulse is a good thing with this!

In other but very related news, I got an interview monday with a veterinary clinic in vancouver for a receptionist position. I'm officially THRILLED. I rocked the phone interview. But the pay will be good (better than 10 with room for a pay increase) and with it, I can buy my first bolts of background fabric for The Quilt! Huzzah!

My time with Mara has been really fun so far, and I look forward to the last few days I have out here with her. I'm a bit too tired to recount what's happened on my trip so far, so that'll have to wait for a future post. <3

I am very happy.

- me

PART 1 -- Obama rally: Portland, Oregon 2008!

2008-05-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

PART I: the line, the crush, the decemberists

YESSS! OBAMA RALLY! IT WAS SO AWESOME!!!

Here's a step by step photo journey.

This is documenting the very beginning of our journey - right after we left the driveway, Obama stickers on the dash!

This was the line in front of us, looking toward the waterfront. We were within three blocks of the front of the line - a reward for being there before 9:30! The line behind us was unfathomably long...imagine how long the line would have to be to fit all the people who eventually fill the waterfront park!! Ridiculously long is the answer.

Once we got in line there were a lot of people wearing very cool shirts. I loved this one, advertising Obama's book which recently came out. My camera focused on it perfectly. <3

The Secret Service, well before the rally started headed toward who knows what secret servicey thing. There was excellent security on premises, we went through metal detectors and there were police and police boats and military types about, but not oppressively.

This is the view of the waterfront park, once we reached our final position close to the stage, looking away from the stage. Yeah. This is just the start of something beautiful.

The DECEMBERISTS played to warm us up. No joke, I was listening to them while I was in the line, waiting. I had NO IDEA they were going to play before Obama hit the stage...I love The Decemberists! Dad got some audio recordings of them but I didn't think to do that. All I could think about was how awesome the music was, and how much my feet hurt. XP

Here they are, playing away. This is my camera at maximum zoom, trying its hardest. At the time I think they were playing Crane Wife. I <3 you Decemberists! You made me forget how hot it was getting, and how much my feet hurt.

This is the explosive size of the rally in all its glory. Wow. Portland really does love Obama!

PART 2 -- Obama rally: Portland, Oregon 2008!

2008-05-18T20:49:00.001-07:00

PART 2: OBAMA ARRIVES! HUZZAH!

After the Decemberists jazzed us up with their inspiring but strange music (that's how I like it!) we were pepped up by a girl about the same age as me. She was not Obama, so I didn't take any pictures of her. Then a senator in support of Obama stood up and talked for a little while. He was a senator, so I took A picture of him...but meh. THEN OBAMA HIT THE STAGE!!

Here he is with Michelle Obama and his two girls. Don't they look like a beautiful family? Please forgive my camera but it doesn't have a telaphoto zoom. As it is we were lucky to be as close as we were!

This is him, giving his awesome speech. Oh Obama! You set us all on fire! We cheered! We booed when appropriate! It was a thrilling speech. Healthcare! Environment! Tuition! Education! War! Inflation! Alternative Energy! He also mentioned Bush's recent comparision between those who seek to negotiate with middle eastern nations and those who wished to negotiate with Hitler. Oh, there were many boos. He is not interested in being forced into false dichotomies like "friend of hilter" or "patriot/war mongerer" and he is a smart man and can recognize that. Good smart Obama.

...More images from his speech. He wants you! He touches his nose! He spreads his hand upon the masses! GO FORTH OBAMA NATION! WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD!

Unfortunately all things must come to an end. So Obama said goodbye, and we waved and cheered until we couldn't see him anymore. This is just what it was like

If you can't read that, click on it, it might get better. Origional picture is of course higher resolution. Obama says: Bye bye Portland, I'm gonna go become President now! and the cheering, enthusiastic crowds says: Rock on!

PART 3 -- Obama rally: Portland, Oregon 2008!

2008-05-18T20:38:00.005-07:00

So that's how it went. These are a few other pictures from the rally experience.

Dad's Hat!

and...

My shirt, with Obama love on it.

The rally was THOUSANDS strong, around 75,000 people. Huge. This is a PRIMARY RACE my friends. Can you believe it? Believe it. Because getting out of there was a whole different kind of hell, lol. For a while we were accidentally in the line for the bathroom, as we are all lemmings in the disguise and we all thought we were headed OUT. No, just outhouse.

Now I am at home, I have received a healthy dose of Obama and I am happy. The End.

Oh! And last night's dream

2008-05-01T02:16:00.002-07:00

last night's dream...before I have a new one tonight.

Since it's been a while I only remember fractured images, which completely fail to connect to one another.

It seems I was traveling. Why, or how is completely unknown. The first place I was in was Ireland. There were rolling green hills. A lot of sheep. I met a woman there who I fell in love with, and she had this beautiful accent. I think I mostly loved her accent.

Then I was in some South American country. We were about to eat suckling pig, which I find impossibly disgusting. These little baby pig carcasses, some of them halved and some whole were being laid on super long grills and into a long trench fire-pit. In my dream I didn't have my usual reaction to it (omg, pigs are smarter than dogs and these are BABIES) but it was all just tasty meat to me. There was some guy there who was showing me how to lay the halved faces on the grill. I mean ew, when I woke up and rethought about it.

So. Apparently I want to travel? Idk.

Tonights emotions

2008-05-01T01:13:00.002-07:00

So, I got this feeling tonight. Not in the pit of my stomach - that usually just means I have either gas or indigestion. No, it was feeling in my chest, like a fluttering tremor. Like a very tiny earthquake. It started the moment I walked in the door to dogsit here, again. I love dogsitting at Brenda and Gary's place...it's like pretending that I'm responsible and independent. I have a key to the front door, I can watch tv and sleep in a bed and here I am, the only active human. The only person. I can almost pretend that it's my place. I think that's why I got the earthquake initially.

I like being alone. I know people are always saying that "man is a social animal" and "no man is an island" and things like that, but I thrive on seclusion. To close the door and listen to music and read a book...a lot of the time it's all I need to feel happy. And the internet, of course. I have to able to learn new things too, that's what the internet is more or less for in my opinion. And when I'm by my lonely I can think about things at my own pace, I can let ideas percolate and solidify in whatever manner they like. Not that the great white tower of self-seclusion is always a safe place to be. It can be dangerous to be always by oneself, you lose perspective on the outside world, you forget the power of human interaction. Woah tangent. Anyway, the earthquake is actually a symptom of the other part of me. That part that needs to smile and laugh at strangers. That needs to dance enthusiastically. To sing kareoke. To not think. To chat carelessly with friends.

Why the earthquake came when I walked in the door isn't that surprising. I've been in hermit mode for the better part of four weeks. My personality being cyclical in nature, it was simply time. Time to go out. The change in environment spurred my resolve.

In answer to the earthquake, Dezi texted me. She must have a sixth sense about these kinds of things, she sought to "liberate me from my basement cave," which is naturally where she assumed I'd be. And I was all about that.

So I went out, I had a shot or two, sang ridiculously loud and sometimes off key! I met Dezi's new girlfriend who's awesome, and I had an all around wholesome good time. But when I got back to my car, there was this feeling I got. It was not the earthquake, or indigestion. I felt somehow anxious. Somehow nearly panicked.

I don't know why I felt like that. All the way home, the anxiety was there. To my benifit, it did keep me driving the speed limit (but then, my constant fear of concealed police cars can do the same!). But this nameless dread...

maybe it's because I know this isn't my house. This isn't my life. I'm still a basement-dwelling, nearly-postgrad, unemployed semi-adult. I'm gutless when it comes to pursuing my own dreams. The money I spent out at play tonight is not money I had to "work" for. I earned this money pretending to live a life that's not mine yet.

The new feeling, the anxiety, is not unfamiliar. It stirs up every now and then. It's this restlessness. It makes me want to hit the street and walk until I can't walk anymore, and then find a hotel and somehow start a new life. It's what made me, last semester, take a bike ride out ten miles, as far as my screaming legs would let me. The anxiety that makes me want to say fuck it all and just GO. Just stop treading water.

I want my own place. I want a job, where I can feel appreciated and I can do my work well and improve. I want these things, but I am (as always) petrified by fears of my own inadequacy and the specter of failure.

I'm not precisely unhappy with my current situation. There's a lot of free time involved. But as mentioned before, the white tower is a dangerous place to be.

Those are my feelings for tonight. Huzzah.

<3 Maddie

Women and The Great War On Hair

2008-04-05T23:44:00.002-07:00

When I will myself from the comfort of sleep each morning, the first thing I do is feel my face. I run my fingertips along the skin starting just below my ears. Both hands, on either side, I slide them lightly down along my jaw line. Very slowly, often back tracking. Until they meet. The ridges on my fingers catch and make a rough grating sound like sandpaper when I push against the grain. There is a grain because they are feeling hair. Thick, invasive hair that has grown, as it has always done, overnight. Black hair. Cactus needle-like hairs, with which I am at constant war. From which I shall never be totally free. I am 22 years old, not entirely unattractive but yes, overweight, and yes, female and yes, at war with body hair.

Please, dear reader, try to push past whatever your immediate reaction to female body hair may be. This is MY true horror story in grim detail. I did not choose to be a werewolf. I am not apologizing for bringing to light an untalked about, shamefully taboo subject. If you can't stomach the truth, than maybe you shouldn't be reading a blog. Just an idea.

To continue, there is a sound medical reason for my beardedness. My hairfulness. I have a condition called PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) that causes me to produce excess androgens like testosterone, which encourages the growth of facial hair. Yes, testosterone, the ultimate male hormone. Thanks. There are lots of other side effects like infrequent (in my case every 5 or 6 months) periods and weight gain and infertility and even insulin-resistance, but for me the facial hair is the most irritating.
Since puberty I’ve had to shave my face. Most women will grow a few stray hairs on their chin to pluck. For the lucky few of us who have more significant growth, it’s a lot of work. I grow copious amounts of hair all along my jaw line, under my chin, and above my lip. Yes, copious! If the hair was blonde, I would likely leave it be. But my dear, sweet, mostly German mother blessed me with black hair over every inch of my body including my face.
Returning to our narrative, I'll get up out of bed at that point and go to the bathroom. I’ll survey the night’s growth in the mirror. I shave at least twice a day to combat the ever re-growing army. After I have saved enough money I plan to begin electrolysis which will only need to be done every 3 months for a year, and then not at all ever again. Saving money isn't something I'm very good at, but I'm good at imagining things, so I imagine what it would be like if I went the opposite route. If I was just...hairy. If I lived in other times, I would just let it grow. I could be a bearded lady at a circus. Proper women whose hormones were in a typical balance, whose heritage made them naturally smooth and sleek, could look upon my hairiness in wonder. They would gasp, surely, they would wonder if I had a penis. Because only men can grow beards, of course. Except for women like me. And they would whisper to each other how “barbaric” I looked and wonder at my ability to drink from proper teacups and do simple arithmetic. An interesting fantasy, that. Alternately, if I were a wilderness woman living by myself in rugged country, my beard could keep me warm like an extra scarf. I ponder what it would be like to let it all grow out properly, uninterrupted by razor blades and burning hot wax and someday, electrolysis. How large would it grow? How thick? I picture the beards of mountain men superimposed on my own face. Paul Bunyan beards. Could it grow so proficiently that I would be able to tuck it in my coat? Would I someday be able to braid it? Would it be curly or straight? Can ANY part of me be straight? (har har, right?)
I have a lot of feelings about body hair. Because of my condition and my genetics I grow an extraordinary amount of it, not only on my face, but nearly everywhere. I constantly struggle with the idea of “bad hair.” Hair is bad the advertisers say, hair is unclean. Shave it all off! Every woman I have ever known says the same. But hair is only so horrifically bad on women, have you noticed this? On men, hair is strength, hair makes you rough and powerful and a bit dangerous. But hair on women is “freakish” is “unnatural” is “manly” is “grotesque.” And I look in the mirror every morning to greet this assault of adjectives. There it is, my hair. Unasked for. Growing. Currently, (due to my poverty) unstoppable. Sometimes, I hope that I could remove it simply by demoralizing it. Bad hair! Get off of me.
But as I was saying, I have a lot of body hair. My arms and knuckles have always been dark and hairy. So much so that kids teased me, that I wore long shirts, that I was deeply sensitive of it. And then of course the leg hair grew. The bikini line. My pubic hair. Armpit hair. And then the hair that falls into “other;” the hair trailing up to belly button – very faintly on me, but real. Hair in my ass crack. And the facial hair. Hair everywhere. Puberty had made of me a total horror, a freak of nature enslaved to the shaving razor. I was teased mercilessly until I began shaving. Then, too, I was teased but less than when I let it all grow. I gave up on shaving my arms about midway through junior high, but I still wear long sleeves shirts more often than not. Being a naturally hairy woman draws a lot of negative attention from everybody.
And I hate shaving. I run the razor briefly under water, and splash some water on my face as well. I rub a bit of soap there, just enough to ensure that I won’t have any burn or bumps. Shaving creams have the most obnoxiously strong scents, especially if they’re so close to your face like that. And it seems it takes an especially sharp razor to get it all off, down to the point where my skin is smooth once more. I nearly feel like a werewolf removing evidence of her condition.
I’m really truly torn, though. I can keep hating all the hair, keeping it shaved or plucked or waxed all over my body. I could do that and I would find acceptance from strangers, and praise from friends, and congratulations from sisters. Or I could accept my body as nature has provided it. I could look in the mirror and say, “you want to grow? Then grow.” It would. And I would know if it could be put in curlers or braided. And I could then never be hired by anyone but circuses. And those who were my friends while I groomed would no longer be such. My family would revile me, would chide me, and would denigrate me. Strangers would laugh at me, or mistake me for the other gender. And a very very few women would look at me and briefly feel free – because there is a woman who has hair too, and isn’t ashamed of it.
I have, in the past, let my pits and legs and pubic hair all grow as they willed. Will they did! I felt like a natural, hairy creature. Like at any moment I could return to the forest and frolic amidst the animals and bathe in a stream. But then summer would come, and the weather would demand I bear my legs. Eventually I’d wuss out and make my legs slick and shiny as they were before I became a proper woman, as smooth as though I didn’t have breasts. Pre-pubescent legs.
Obviously, as I wish to continue participating in this ridiculous parade called polite society, I’m forced to shave. My poor little ego can’t take children pointing and laughing at me. I can’t withstand a replay of those times in my childhood where I was scorned and laughed at for being so unbearably different. Even my partner has expressed her hatred of hair. But this essay is my weak little protest to the system. My fist shaking in the air and saying “THIS SHOULDN’T BE SO!” although it surely takes no notice. Why should I buy razor after razor to dull and throw into the ever-amassing American trash heap? Why should I be FORCED to pollute by society? Why can’t I love my body as it grows and is…why can’t others recognize that this too is a form of beauty? And simply others KNOWING that I GROW hair is somehow deeply shameful. Oh no! I have active hair follicles over which I have no control at all! Why should I be ashamed of even this? Why should I leave to grow the hair on top of my head but not the hair that grows on my legs or to the greatest extreme my face? Why?

Oh, why I ask? I know. Because if I do otherwise, I’ll be punished. And that’s all there is to it.

my new hair is awesome

2008-04-04T12:11:00.001-07:00

CAN Paul McKenna make me thin?

2008-03-16T22:01:00.002-07:00

He says he can.

Hi. I've been overweight more or less my whole life. There's no way around the fact that I would like to be thin, and fit, and healthy. I always thought the primary problem was how much I loved food and how lazy I am.

Not so, says Paul. He says I have been programmed, by others and myself, to respond in a certain way to food. When I sit down to a meal that I'm really excited to eat, that I know is gonna be SO good, I inhale it. I eat all of it, leaving my plate clean. Paul is giving me four new rules to approach food with. They are:

1. When you're hungry, eat!
- starving yourself messes with your metabolism. It makes you crave and then binge on food later. It leads to guilt and stress. So when you're hungry, eat food.

2. Eat what you want.
- creating "forbidden foods" makes you want it even more, and gives guilt when your impulse-control fails. Do you like some foods a lot more than others, food that you would consider your favorite? You feel guilty when you eat them, don't you? Well stop the guilt. Eat the food, because you like the food. (am I blowing your mind yet?)

3. Eat consciously.
- with each bite of your food, PUT DOWN THE EATING UTENSILS. Chew slowly, and think about the food, and listen to your stomach. Are you still hungry? Then take another bite. It should feel like you're eating excessively slow. Think about the flavors. Enjoy your food! Turn off the tv and the distractions and just eat.

4. When you think you're full, stop eating.
- You're going to leave food on your plate. THAT'S OK. That maybe even be considered good. And you know, there are refrigerators. There are microwaves. And there are your thighs. Where do you want that food (which you're not even hungry for!) to end up? And when you're hungry later, you can go eat again! It's ok! Listen to your body and let it tell you when to stop.

So yes, I'm going to listen to Paul. If he thinks he can make me thin, then let's do this man. I will follow your rules. And if I lose weight, I'm going to be happy. And if I don't...well, then that sucks but life goes on, right?

There are other things he's going to teach me next sunday. (Sunday's at 9 on TLC!) Each week I'll learn some new tricks to keep me losing weight. And he keeps bringing on these people who were heavier than me, and are now skinny and beautiful! It almost makes me want to hope!!

Lets do this Paul. Lets make me thin.

<3 me.

Oh Yeah.

2008-03-04T20:39:00.002-08:00

So here's the thing.

I have certain things I gotta do. I gotta complete this course, and get myself graduated in May. I think I can do that if I just focus (which can be a struggle all on it's own, admittedly).

Then I have this job opportunity in June. I'm really really really excited about it, but I don't think I should put all my eggs in that one basket. I don't think I should but I seem to be doing it, because I HATE applying for jobs. Hate it. So much. Hate filling out all the stupid forms and I look so pathetic on paper. So idk.

And then how all my dreams just get in the way! I want a new computer, so I can have an ipod touch, and I want a car...all this besides my consuming desire for an apartment of my own. And I have no income, because all my eggs are in THAT basket. So.

I don't know what I should be doing with myself right now except getting that grade and finishing that degree. It's so frustrating because I just want it all NOW you know? I'm not a particularly patient person. I mean, waiting in line or at the doctors office or stuck in traffic, I'm fine. But waiting for my goals to get met...OMG NO. Not patient at all.

So to distract myself from this irritation I've been spending money, which I've come to realize is pretty much the exact opposite of what I should be doing, seeing how limited my funds are right now. I'm still over 600 in my savings, but that won't last if I keep doing what I've been doing...buying little things online, going out for drinks with my friends on the weekends. But these things make me feel like I'm DOING something. I can't just sit around the house and watch tv and clean and watch the days go by. That's not working out for me. I get stir crazy. I AM stir crazy. I want out of this.

- Maddie

FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY.

2008-02-15T01:35:00.003-08:00

Today was Valentine's Day. It's not anymore, it's just a friday now. I'll get up in the morning, make the bed (I really do make the bed every morning here...I think it's because I know it's not my house), let the barking dogs out, put them back in their kennels and go to class. Then I'll come back here for a few hours, go home and have dinner with my parents, and then go out. I just have to. Because Valentine's day worked. It made me feel alone.

I was doing fine. I was single, and yeah, still trying to get over the two greatest loves of my life. But I was getting past it all I think. A little bit. And then damn you Valentine's day.

She called, Caitlin that is. Hearing her voice was so wonderful. I could feel the great chasm of distance between us, there were all these empty pauses in our conversation. We never had that emptiness before. She's done things since we last saw eachother; taken classes, met new people. She's dating a boy she really really likes. She's crazy about him. I don't have the heart to hate his guts since he makes her so happy but OH I want to. I'd been thinking about her all day. There's this song I wrote, right before I left, about how I knew I loved her, and that she didn't love me, and that she was going to move on and how I didn't know if I'd meet someone who felt so much like home to me ever again. Wah wah wah I know it's so self pitying and indulgent. I can't seem to help it. I hate this day.

So to get my mind off the mess I spent a lot of time at home with mom and dad, until I knew I had to go back to the doghouse, to let the poor creatures out and you know, be responsible. I brought movies along. An action flick, pirates of the carribean, some opera...and music and lyrics. I didn't at the time realize what compelled me. I knew it was a bad idea even; romantic comedies are vapid, emotionally manipulative things. I knew I'd like it, and it'd get me all sappy and...romantic. UGH.

So of course I had to watch it. I told myself I'd make fun of it, distance myself. But here's the thing that I'd done to myself. I had forgotten that one of the first thoughts I'd had upon meeting Caitlin, was that when she looked up and to the left, she looked strikingly like a brunette Drew Berrymore. When she'd do that it'd catch my heart on my throat and I'd just stare at her dumbly. She's so spontanious and beautiful like that. And really, watching that movie, it was like meeting her again and playing around and having fun and it brought me back to that year I spent where we were eachother's shadows. Where I couldn't spend a day without hearing her voice and her laugh and endlessly wanting to hold her close to me and just be with her.

Maybe that's strange of me. I mean, I think of erotic scenarios about other people, of course. That's just human. But with her...it's like it sullies something. All I wanted, really, was to hold her, and breathe with her, and touch her. I think...idk, maybe that is the most important part of any relationship to me. Its so important to be able to fight and to discuss and make eachother laugh and think...but being able to just silently BE together...that's what gets me. That's what really fills up that little hollow spot behind my sternum.

So I sabotaged myself by watching this Drew Berrymore flick, is the gut of this story. And I'm left with all these echoes. At least with Teresa the memories are less fresh, and I never felt I knew her as perfectly as I felt I knew Caitlin.

I'm glad I'm not going back in the Spring. I was going to visit, to play with my friends. But not only would that be extremely painful...thinking about how depressed I was on occasion there, about my academic failing...but just by being there some little part of me would be holding out 'maybe if I'm just near her, she'll turn to me and fall for me and it will all be sunshine and rainbows and puppy-dogs!' But it won't be. It's not going to happen. I know that. I can want and I can wish and I can even beg but it won't make her feel anything for me that she doesn't already feel.

I need to meet the girl who can elicit this response in me and love me back. I need her to come into my life soon. Because I can't accumulate anymore heartache like this.

So tomorrow night I'm going out. Finding my girlfriend is now, once again, a priority.

And damn you Valentine's Day. I'm glad you're over and I can go back to my single life without feeling so publicly SHAMED!

- Me

Illogical Fears

2008-02-09T01:55:00.000-08:00

Being that I am a crazy person, I have a few illogical fears. It makes me feel better to enumerate the ways in which I'm crazy. Maybe it helps me understand it better. Also, I think it's ridiculous and funny in a way. Or it would be a lot funnier if it weren't me that was experiencing the crazy. Like, if I heard about this kind of thing on a tv channel I would find it entertaining. I'm not making anything up here, I'm genuinely afraid of these things.

So some of my fears (one's I'm not too embarrassed to share, I suppose. I won't list too many because that'll make me look REALLY crazy. Also not ones that will make it hard for me to sleep immediately after writing this.)

I can't sleep with a cat in the room. I once read this story about a folk belief that cats would creep near to a baby's crib while it slept and steal the soul of the baby, killing it. It was some kind of folk explaination for SIDS. But anyway, I just don't like cats near me when I sleep. I mean...what if they could suck my soul out while I slept? The cats in this house that I dogsit at are often sweet. Two of them love me to death...they live to curl up on my lap or just lie near me and purrrrrr. But I pick them up and move them away if I'M going to sleep. Sure they seem all sweet and innocent. But everyone knows that cats are the allies of the devil. They seriously have something evil in them, even the sweetest most gentle cats are tainted. I like cats. I just don't trust them.

baby dolls I don't trust those fixed, shiny eyes. I don't like the stiff smiles. They creep me out. I'm sure they'll move. They too would like to kill me in my sleep. This one goes WAY back, my parents just gave up on buying me baby dolls after a while...I would have these nightmares that I still remember, vivid horrible nightmares. Yeah.

bees Um, well, I was stung in the eye when I was 3. I don't remember that, but I credit it with my fear of them. I can now be in the presence of a bee as long as it's not flying AT or too NEAR me...like if it's attacking a window, or minding it's own business collecting pollen. But if it flyings at or near me, all bets are off and I am getting away and out.

bugs getting in my ears Seriously, this is the root for more than a few compulsions. Just thinking about it gets me twitchy. I had this dream once that sacks full of spider eggs hatched all over me and crawled all over me and then crawled into my ears and I could feel/hear them. Ugh.

driving or walking next to busses or trucks OMG it scares me so bad. I just give them so much space. I'm sure they'll either side swipe me or just fall over on me. They're too big!!

everyone behind me is an unmarked police car yep. That's paranoia for you. I just CAN'T speed. Because one of them is undoubtibly an unmarked car. I HATE THOSE THINGS. Gone are the days when you can trust your fellow driver!!! Now on a level this is a logical fear. But equally...it's really really paranoid.

hm, something not about driving...

nope, nope I have to stop if I'm going to sleep ok. If I keep thinking like this I'll think about the ones that have to do with sleeping, and there are a lot of those, and then I'll have a really hard time getting to sleep.

Goodnight!

A Boring Stream of Consciousness on Love.

2008-01-25T22:10:00.001-08:00

So, here's some thoughts.

I'll start with the dream I had two nights ago...last night I dreamed I had a puppy of my very own, and come on, that happens every week. This was interesting, extraordinary.

I saved the life of Barrak Obama.

I really can't tell you much more than that. He was being kept in the fortress by an evil queen, and with the help of my friends we launched a daring rescue, being chased by beefy gaurds with swords. In my dream he was a kind, sincere, apologetic man who I have no real basis in comparison to the true man...he may be, he may not be, but I have barely researched him or his stances. But in my dream I liked and respected him. I felt like a powerful Amazon warrior minus the whole cutting off a breast thing.

So there's that.

I get so hung up on girls. This is obviously a new topic. But I get so hung up on them. With Teresa...it's like there's just no going back for me. When I really give my heart and let it all be out there...well I don't think I have connections like that with people all that frequently. And when I do have that connection, that's it for me. I don't need anything more, that's all I want. Complete emotional nakedness. And that's shocking on one level as many people never do that at all. But when I do, when I have that unbarred connection, I seem to be sold on that person for good. Teresa. I still love her. I'm pretty sure she knows this, and she doesn't seem to mind. I'm sure it's nice to be so loved; as long as I don't try and steal her from her loving and awesome boyfriend. I thought perhaps familiarity would breed, if not contempt, at least some kind of dampening of it all, but no. That love this is tenacious. For Caitlin it's a similiar situation, but I think perhaps my connection with her was even deeper on some level. We shared so much. She was like my other half, we were everywhere together. I feel like my time before her and my time without her are the same; I feel good with life, capable enough, smart enough. My time with her was like hyper-living. The world in neon. Everything was intensely better, more interesting, more livable.

So what I'm wondering, is how do I come to forge these connections? Clearly that didn't happen in my last two "real" relationships. With Liz, I think I tried too, and for a time we had a rapport that was pretty strong and compelling. But it all fell apart...we were just too different on things that were too important to me. With Dezi...well, we were really just all wrong for eachother. I was so hopeful because I was so into her initially, but then...well, it became clear that that kind of relationship I was looking for just wasn't going to happen. But it so looked like it.

But how do I make that happen again, as it happened with Teresa and Caitlin? For both of them I felt an instant attraction. With Caitlin I remember the exact moment I first saw her, and I wanted to know her and be near her and if possible kiss her from just seeing her across the room. And those days with Teresa are forever burned into my mind. It was heaven. I just don't have words for how I felt then, that divine haze, just being near her and watching her. That kind of sounds creepy, but like I said...I can't put it into words properly. More than anything I would risk or do anything to make her happy.

But if my connection with these people is so immediate, will it always be chance that I meet them? Chance that they catch my attention across the room?

The thing is, I could have been happy with Dezi. She cared about me, she didn't mind my forgetting or my overall craziness. She could keep me fairly secure, and help me mature in a lot of ways. But she didn't consume me like those past loves did...and that is what I am looking for most of all in a relationship. Maybe I should be more open to lesser loves. But maybe I'm capable of even greater loves than these that I've known. And that's what makes me not give up hope.

So that's what I've been thinking about. My health is ok. I don't drink any caffeine anymore, and without it irritating things I seem to have no uti symptoms at all...which seems to make me think I DO have intercystic cystitis just like Mara thinks. My doctor has neither confirmed nor denied this. I have to schedule and appointment with her, but I procrastinate because I really don't like going to the doctor, I prefer to complain. I've lost 10 lbs so far, and counting. Which is good! But I could do better if I tried harder.

I'm sleepy, and want to dream of beautiful women now.

- Maddie

blood tests and santa

2007-12-07T22:40:00.001-08:00

So, my life right now is consumed with the following factors; health, work, and Dezi. Here's how they're effecting me (as far as I can determine).

Health: I did see my doctor, and she is concerned about my blood pressure and the liklihood of me having PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome). I have all the earmarks for PCOS, the only thing left to determine are my androgin levels, which the bloodtests will be for. I plan on dropping by kaiser tomorrow and giving them my blood. It has to be fasting labs, so no breakfast, and nothing to eat until I go in. I hope gum doesn't count. She'll also be checking my blood for my insulin levels (which will probably be high) and my cholestoral, and checking my thyroid (which has tested out to be lower than average in the past, but not freakishly low or anything). A lot of my health problems will be resolved if I can just stand to lose 10 or 15 pounds. That's a different can of worms. Also, the possibility of Intercystic Cytosis looms ahead of me. The test for it is pretty awful sounding...cathader. Injecting irritating fluids into my bladder? Um, no thanks. But if that's what they need to do...maybe that's what I'll have to do. I don't really relish the prospect.

Job: I am paranoid about my employers reading my blog for some reason. Nobody but family reads this really, but you know. Who knows. Let's just say that I don't know if I'm fired or not right now, and it's driving me a little crazy. My manager has asked me to "come in on Sunday after church and help him iron out some paperwork, he'll redo the schedule then". This in no way implies that I am ON that newly revised schedule, really. It COULD just as easily imply that we will be filling out paperwork for my termination. Which is, quite frankly, a bitch no matter how you look at it. I do get Saturday off, so I can spend the day getting blood taken from me at Kaiser. But Sunday could turn out to be a day where I stoke my fires of resolve to do well at this job, or it would be a day where I shake the dust from my sandles and move on to something new. Either way...you know. I'm nervous. I wish he would just tell me and get it over with, but being demanding with him hasn't exactly worked out in my favor so far.

Dezi: is my girlfriend. We spend a few days together each week, working around eachother's schedules. She is such good stress relief; I just feel like I can decompress when I'm around her, I don't have to pussyfoot around my problems, and she is so good and kind and giving. Yesterday I rushed to the hospital because she had narrowly escaped being flattened by a hit and run black suv while crossing an intersection (yes she had the crosswalk light!) and she tore something up in her knee. She now has the pleasure of hobbling around on crutches in a leg immobilizer for at least two weeks, and then she'll get an MRI to determine if she'll need surgery. Sucks to be her. She's pretty calm about the whole thing; she's really not given to hysterics like I am. The crutches and the immobilizer really suck, but people do treat us nicer when we're together, since her injury. And I look cool carrying two purses instead of one.

I'm really just up in knots over the work thing. I worked today and did my damnedest. I did a good job; everything my manager wanted me to do and more, I remembered what I needed to, I did my best as I've done every day of this job. If I get fired now I don't think I'll have to take time to rebuild my self-confidence like I needed to after the internship. I'm going to apply to wallgreens no matter what happens; it's decent money, and from how Stinna describes it, a good job that may be more nurturing to my sensetive artistic nature. Haha. But really.

It's hard for me not to let it get under my skin and I'm trying hard to not let it. It is just a job; and a short term, very intense and highly demanding one. So if I get fired...well, maybe I won't get a good refrence, but I STILL will have retail experience. And if I don't, my manager has still not gotten back to me on specific areas where he'd like to see me improve, and once I really understand those complaints I know I can rock this job like a hurricane, get it done, and get my recommendations.

SO. Um, pray for me.

So....that sucks.

2007-11-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

I had a heated discussion with my manager today. It's my day off (he gave me that) and I realized he had put me on the schedule for opening tomorrow, but I had scheduled a doctors appointment. Instead of assuming that I made the mistake (which DUH, it's almost always me, I should have realized that) I blamed him for changing the schedule. UGH I can't believe I was so bullheaded. I had managed to get another coworker to cover my morning shift and had notified him I was switching shifts with her. I just sent him a message appologizing and explaining that I got confused and said that it wouldn't happen again. Damn right it won't happen again. I hope I don't get fired over something as stupid as this. I like my job, and I just...I just forget things and I got confused and made the wrong call.

So yeah. That sucks.

strange day.

2007-11-12T00:45:00.000-08:00

My plans for today were church, Dani, and then a cool lecture thing with my dad.

I went to church with the rest of the fam that're in town. I had a hell of a time getting up this morning, and I felt CRAZY exhausted all morning. I managed to stay awake during mass by some miracle. Then instead of going to hang out with Dani (which I was already doubting I'd be able to stay awake for) we went straight from mass to the Clacamas mall...so I didn't have my cell, or my money. Whatever. I did get free food, and got to hang out with my sis and mom and dad...and sometimes that's not so bad. I also got to see where I'll be working next week, minus the set that's not set up yet. I have no idea how big the area really will be until I see the set all constructed.

Tomorrow/today will be my second day of work, closing again. It's rewarding, more or less, but I'm nervous because last shift (my first one) I got 1. taken advantage of by a bitchy customer and 2. got scared by a creeper. And that was just the first day. I hope things so smoothly, and I'm worried about my heart.

I've been getting chest pains, like stabbing pain. It doesn't seem to strike at any particular time, it's just like a STAB and then sometimes it happens again and again for a while. Sometimes it's just one and then it's done. When it happens I feel lightheaded and hot. I know my blood pressure has been high lately, but not dangerously so. I do need to see my doctor about it, but the last time it was bad was at work right before I got my first break (about 3 hours in). I just could barely breathe, and it really scared me. Mara said I should just get it checked out and to try and not worry about it.

I have a new girlfriend. We've been dating for a little less than a week, so things are still really...you know, figuring things out, testing if this is really going to be worth it. When I'm around her I'm still a little awkward feeling and that alone is what's keeping me from really feeling totally head over heels. I hate feel awkward more than anything else in the whole world. But when I'm around her, it's like everything is a bit better. I worry that I'm getting into another relationship like it was with Liz, where I never really let her be a full part of my life. At least I actually like her, I'm actually attracted to her. That's one up on Liz. Maybe it's just that when we talk, she reminds me of parts of myself that I don't really like or understand. Our conversations feel so...forced sometimes. I don't know how to make it go smoothly.

If we aren't talking, and are just together, and silent in eachother's arms...it's so good. There's no where else. We are the origin of everything when we're together, and if we aren't then that unoriginal thing can't possibly matter, comparatively. It's easier to breathe when I'm holding her hand. I feel as though I need to explain to her, somehow, how much more I value our silence than our conversation. I love kissing her of course. But there too, I value just BEING, just holding her hand and leaning on her shoulder. Feeling her arm draped over my shoulder or sitting on my knee. I feel like a freak. I just value our stillness over our activity...thinking about it all makes me feel a little anxious.

Today I began an art project for Christmas. I'm making teddy bears for my close friends. I began one for Teresa; body, head, eyes, one ear and the sewing for most of a foot is done. She hasn't called or myspaced me for several weeks now. I really am trying to be good. I know how she is, how happy she is with Chris. And I have this new thing with Dezi. But my brain doesn't seem to speak the same language as my stupid heart...and my stupid heart is still crazy about her. But I've been good. I haven't crossed any lines. I think it's funny...I had avoided seeing her face to face for almost four years, because I knew if I saw her it would only make my puppy love worse. I was wrong because NOT seeing her kept her idealized. At least then the reality of who she was and who she was with could shock me, could shake me. Now I have both those memories and the blinding reality. It's the same, the puppy love. Her beauty and kindness and adorableness just do me in completely. But...I know my limits, and I'm not into chasing the moon like that.

I think feel kind of lonely and anxious tonight. My feelings about Dezi and Teresa floating around in my head, my worries about work tomorrow and my health. I feel so restless. I want an easy truce. I want to really begin everything, and really end everything else - I feel like it's all loose ends. Everything. All I know is...I'm still treading water, even if it looks like progress.

And now I go back to the same sleep I had last night.

less like scars...

2007-11-06T03:48:00.000-08:00

(Sara Groves)

it's been a hard year,
but i'm climbing out of the rubble.
these lessons are hard
healing changes are subtle
but every day
it's...

less like tearing, more like building
less like captive, more like willing
less like breakdown, more like surrender
less like haunting, more like
remember

and i feel you here
and you're picking up the pieces
forever faithful
it seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
but you are able
and in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars, and more like
"character "

less like a prison, more like my room
it's less like a casket, more like a womb
less like dying, more like transcending
less like fear, less like an ending !

and i feel you here
and you're picking up the pieces
forever faithful
it seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
but you are able
and in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars

just a little while ago
i couldn't feel the power or the hope
i couldn't cope, i couldn't feel a thing
just a little while back
i was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
you would come

and i need you
and i want you here
and i feel you

and i know you're here
and you're picking up the pieces
forever faithful
it seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
but you are able

and in your hands the pain and hurt
look less like scars (x3)

and more like
"character"
......................

The first time I heard this song I was driving from St. Cloud to school in St. Joe. I was willing myself not to cry anymore, because I was sure I'd crash if the tears kept blinding me. I had cried a layer of salt onto my glasses until they were frosty.

I'd just been told that I was fired from my internship. I felt so broken. Like there was no way up from the blow, like the bottom had dropped out of my world, out of my hopes, out of my ability to process. I couldn't get my head above it. I had invested so much, emotionally, in that, and to lose it...worse, to lose it because of factors I didn't understand...I wasn't sure if I could ever be a viable "employee" to anyone ever again. My depression, my health, my laziness, and this loss. The whole mess had me down in its belly. And then this song came on the radio. I had to pull over, I just started sobbing. It was exactly what my heart was crying out for. It was like a hug from God!!!! I prayed that God would help me through this. I knew that I couldn't do it on my own this time. It wasn't in my hands anymore, because it was my hands who broke it so thoroughly.

Somehow, God (and I) made it through. I really didn't have much to do with it. In my turmoil, in the pain that I went through, I had my God and my friends and my teachers (those I was open and honest with) with me.

My life as a walk in the woods. There is a bright sun, and sometimes I walk through clearings, and sometimes I walk through dappled, filtered light, and sometimes full shadow. Times like now when I'm bathed in the sunlight...it's hard to believe I survive the darkness every time. When I'm in it, I can't recognize exactly how engulfing it was, how powerful it held me. It hurts to remember it too, I feel a kind of distant pity for the person I was at those times. Like it was someone else who lived then, someone I can't even recognize as "me".

Every time I hear that song, I feel blessed to be alive. That particular emotional scar, the loss of my internship, looks more like character every day.

my obsessions

2007-10-31T03:12:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, I discovered art the way most kids do. Mom and dad give their kid some crayons or crayola markers (I still love those markers) and kid goes to town. Well, it was then that I started my life of serial obsessions. It seems to have something to do with how I learn. If I become interested in one thing, I get...well, obsessed, and feel like I should try to learn as much as I possibly can. Often I do this until I find something new to consume me, or because I stop myself because it's unhealthy.

Art, however, is perennial for me. It's less a hobby than a language. It is a way to communicate knowledge, imply meaning through forms. It is a subtle thing, and no matter how hard I try, I may be too heavy handed to ever touch the kind of delicacy or passion some masterworkers create. But in my own way, I think I understand what I am doing with my art, and the directions I want to pursue. Art is awesome because I can only get better at it. It's self-motivating. And what's more, it is as natural as breathing - I will see a thing in real life or just in my head, and until it gets on paper the damned thing won't leave me be. Artist's block has happened to me and I can't say how infuriating it is, but even then, I CAN create art...it's just technical practice though. It doesn't say anything.

Anyway, this was all written to kind of talk about fish. I started getting obsessed with fish at the beginning of highschool, if I remember. I had had a fish or two before that, but I hadn't thought it was worth the time. You can't pet fish. But then, in college I wasn't allowed to keep any pets that were petable (besides plants, and I kept and named those too!) so I bought my first bowl, and my first fish. I don't remember if it was a betta or a goldfish, but it was probably a goldfish, and I probably killed it some stupid way. The internet told me that goldfish could live a very long time if the owner just learned all the tricks...water ph, airation, filtration, slime coat, stress, temperature, food. I figured out that fish are like little animal bonsai. It is a matter of micromanaging the environment of the fish, and to an extent the fish itself, in order to make it's life as good and long as possible. And as heartbreaking as it was when any of my fish died (and of course, they all do die eventually. Everything does. C'est la vie) I would learn more about how to keep other fish alive better in the future.

So now I have three bettas. Once, there were four. Gem died two weeks ago or so, and he had always been a sickly fish - I never expected him to live even a month after I bought him. I always thought there was something wrong inside of him. But in any case, there are now three; sushi, maranara, and alfredo.

Sushi is sick - he's floating, nose to the sky/vertically on the surface, and moving very little. He stopped eating about a week ago, and the last time I fed him he nudged his food but it was as though he was blind and he couldn't coordinate to get at the food. I feel so horribly bad for him. I doubt he'll survive the night. He would surely not survive any attempts for me to save him now, like a partial water change, etc. This is the end for sushi, and if he's not dead in the morning, I'll likely flush him just so I don't have to watch him suffer any longer. He was a crazy fish from the time I got him - easily the most aggressive beta I've seen in a cup. Also, a pretty ugly looking fish, as he was clearly a fry bred from a "red white and blue" beta, which have these striped kind of fins...but sushi just got washed out whites, purples, and greys. I loved him, in my way, and I'll miss him. I wish so much there were something I could do to make him better. He has live about a year and a half, and ideally they can live up to five years.

I dream about my fish. I dream I am saving them from death - somehow they've leapt from their bowls and I must put them back in, usually. Or I dream that they have died, and are floating, milky eyed and motionless, smelling horribly of dead fish. I hate these dreams. I hope, by processing some of my feelings about fish, that I won't have one like that tonight about my sushi. I hope the souls of all the fish I have killed forgive me my fumbling attempts to keep them alive.

I've decided, after my two remaining betas, to not keep any pet fish again. It's not that I don't appreciate the knowledge I've gained, or enjoy the company of fish. It's just so depressing when they die, because it is 7 times out of 10 my fault - didn't change the water enough or fed too much or something similar. For sushi it could be any of these.

I want a cat, or a dog. At least they can cuddle with you. I wish I could cuddle with my sushi.

I can't believe it

2007-10-29T03:22:00.001-07:00

Those cookies I made? I left them on the counter to cool. Guess what.

Those two dogs ate an entire batch of cookies, that's 3 dozen medium sized cookies.

I hope they puke and feel totally miserable soon. They're in their kennels, I was tempted just to lock them outside after this. I'm so furious. I worked hard on those fucking cookies and I was looking forward to giving them to friends. I hate those stupid dogs. Today I fed, watered, walked, treated, and even bathed them, and they repay me by eating ALL my fucking cookies.

Tomorrow they're gettin the cold shoulder, that's all I have to say. No respect for authority at all. Especially that Sampson one.

I'm SOOOOO mad.

Pumpkin guts? Don't throw them out!

2007-10-28T22:54:00.000-07:00

This is an awesome recipe. I just carved my first pumpkin of the season, and after seperating out the seed (for future roasting) I was left with a messy pile of guts. And I thought (in true future-old-lady fashion) isn't there SOMETHING I could do with these? The answer....COOKIES!

Pumpkin Guts Cookies

1 1/2 cups dark brown sugar
1 cup unsalted butter, softened
2 eggs
1 cup solid pack pumpkin puree
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
10 ounces white chocolate chips
1 cup chopped pecans

1. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees.

2. In a large mixing bowl, cream sugar and butter until smooth. Beat in eggs until well mixed. Blend in pumpkin puree and vanilla.

(at this point, the gooey mess is very unappetizing looking. Don't worry, when you add the flour all will be well!)

3. Combine dry ingredients and add to creamed mixture. Stir to blend.

4. Fold in white chocolate chips and pecans.

5. Drop by teaspoons onto lightly greased cookie sheets.

6. Bake for 20 to 22 minutes. Makes 3 dozen.

......................

UNBELIEVIBLY GOOD! They developed a light, crispy outside and a soft but cohesive middle. Not crunchy, soooooo good. I substituted white chocolate chips for regular milk chocolate and it was still super good.

It didn't get rid of all the guts, only a cup of them, but I did feel less wasteful...in a way.

<3 Maddie

I am so learning the thriller dance

2007-09-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

Follow this link and the Thriller dance opens up before you! I'm going to learn it, I'm currently on video 10 (which means I'm through the zombie march, booty-bounces and initial swims...you'll know what that means if you follow the link). It's fun, and it's kind of exercise! There's going to be a worldwide dance of Thriller on the 27th of October, and I think if I work at it a bit every day I'll learn it by then!

Come on! Learning is fun! So is being a creepy zombie!

Maddie take me home

2007-09-13T00:46:00.001-07:00

Yeah so.

When I hear or see the phrase "I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body" it makes me want to puke. Just...ugh. No. You're not. Becuase being a lesbian? Not often hilarious and witty and makes you interesting and popular and catchy. And hey, this trend with unrealistically hot women making out with eachother in front of a camera and calling that lesbianism? Fuck that. I don't look like that, and me making out with a girl, sure I think it's hot, but it's not FOR you, men. The media has made my sexuality something cheap and whorish, and I think of it as something sacred, so it sickens me. That's what that shirt is really about. Yeah. Fuck that.

Um, so here's my girl. The one I don't really know yet and if I were to build her from scratch, because that's totally possible:

- she is into me. Either quietly or enthusiastically, she's INTO me. She digs the wierd stuff (or at least tolerates it) she thinks I'm kinda funny and sweet and cute. She would like to kiss me. She can picture us going places and doing things together and being together.

- she has a smile that melts me

- she is ambitious and positive about herself and where she's going in life

- she can be jellous or not, as long as she is willing to have a life a little bit seperate from mine. She will give me occasional space...but I do like being talked to every day. XP

- she tells me stories about her life.

- she flirts with me

- she's not afraid to make the first move sometimes (or most of the time...or every time I
chicken out which is....most of the time)

- she has some quirks of her own

- I find her attractive (and there's a great variety of beauty which I find attractive, too!)

- she wants to settle down with a woman, (hopefully me someday) and maybe have kids but
definately have a life together

- she doesn't ignore her own health or that of the world around her

I think the rest could sort itself out. I think my list is realistic. OK, I'm ready for you to walk up to me on the street now and say Maddie take me home. Cause I will.

- me

Unlike me - Kate Havnevik

2007-09-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

there are no guarantees in life
not for the present,
nor for the future.

all I know is
that I'm here...
don't know for how long.

I love the way
you live so intensely,
enjoy every minute of life
with space to swing
your arms around
laughing loudly

unlike me
do you think I'm strange?
unlike you
I am not pretending

there's no time,
time doesn't really exist.

the past, the present, and the future
are all side by side,
hand in hand.

you move and change,
yet you go nowhere:
everything stays the same.

you stare at me,
and ask me questions,
makes me nervous

this room it keeps a constant tone
while I'm on a roller coaster

unlike me
do you think I'm strange?
unlike you
I am not pretending

there's no time...
time doesn't really exist
there's no time...
time doesn't really exist.

......................

Where am I going? What should I be doing? I don't know, and I feel like I should. Let's figure that out.

I'm so tired of being yelled at, but it's easier than true dissapointment; failing after really, honestly trying. I applied for Blockbuster and Hollywood video, and I'll probably get one of them. It's a crap job. I know that. I'll enjoy it, but it'll be crappy pay and won't get me anywhere. but I know what's really in my heart. I've always known.

I want to sell my art. To have people use it and love it and share it. I want to do that. I've got a holding out hope, and it's something very fragile too, that people will like it enough to buy it. And I'm scared of putting that hope out on the chopping block. Because what if people really don't buy it? What if they think it's boring, or ugly, or childish? It would hurt my feelings. Oh my poor little feelings. But I think, even if I'm not good enough yet, I do think I could be good enough for people to buy my stuff. And I can do anything, with art. I have that boundless confidence there that I don't have with absolutely anything else. Totally boundless. I could, I can. And I'm afraid to jepordize that confidence because I only have it with art.

My art could be important. It could change how people think about things, or at least provide another voice in the throng. Enough people have to like it so that I can live off it. What most people like is cute, or beautiful, and always non-threatening to their ideals. Suck a duck. No self-respecting artist, thus, can earn money except by debasing the morality of their art! But, no, maybe it could be done if you just find a way to sneak in the message...make it look pretty on the surface, for those who don't look any deeper, and then slide in the sub-message in the turn of the hand, the direction of the eyes.....it could be done. And maybe bolder art on the side, real art, just for those who really give a shit?

I want to work in pen and ink. It makes me feel free. It makes me feel whole when I complete a piece. It's part of who I am. I want to work with fabric, work fabric into my pen and ink pieces although I don't know how. And clay, figurative clay peices are something I want to work a lot more in. And metal. I want to do art forever, for the rest of my life, and I want to be good at it and sell it and...well, I don't care really much about much else. I'd have side projects...I always have side-projects like learning about edible plants and learning how to quilt and the countries of south america, but the thing I want to DO is art.

Last year was a big blow. With religious life, I want to have a home. A community. A place I can be myself, do my art, love my God, and be surrounded with people who have stories and lives and can influence me. That's what it would be to me. I can see myself being lonely there. But I don't know, right now, if I wouldn't rather live in a house with my so, and my dog and cat(s), walk to my car in the rain, drive to my studio and work a long day cranking out art and phoning the gallery and installing my pieces, and then coming home to her and talking about our day...I like both things, but right now I'm leaning toward the secular vision.

Because no one in that religious community will be like me. Lesbian, OUT, liberal (relatively)...

and while I'm questioning what I've thought I'd be for a really long time, let's go for Catholocism.

Hi. I believe in God. I believe in his son Jesus Christ, who was concieved of the power of the holy spirit was born to Mary (the virgin thing seems kind of unnecessary, I don't care about her past and well, I guess it would be a neat mirical if it were true), he was persecuted under Pontius Pilot, was crucified, died and was buried. He decended to the dead. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures. He's up there in heaven with God and someday he'll come back so it's a good idea to stay on your toes. Good with all that.

I believe that the ONE church, ie the Catholic church, cannot adequetally sustain the different cultures and peoples it opens it's doors to. Look at me. I've learned about things like Dignity and such, but what does it tell me that half to two thirds of Catholic churches won't even let Dignity gather in their ever so sacred space? I'm still an abomination in the Church's eyes. And I love loud, wonderful worship. I WANT to worship that way when I need to, when I feel like it. I don't want to be afraid to ruffle feathers with my identity.

HEY CHURCH! Hey Catholic Church yes I'm talking to you. What the fuck, huh? I love you. I really, honestly love you so why are you still pushing me away? This gay thing isn't changing. Can't I love whom I love, freely, honestly, equally? Why can't you understand that? Because this is who I see in my mind when I talk to you - a bunch of old white haired men, not a woman among your exclusive leadership (they're serving coffee and doughnuts downstairs). Where are the people like me? They're PROTESTANT that's where. They got sick of you passing laws against them and calling them names and shoving them in cornes. You, Church. You have made me your outcast.

Oh this is torture. This is really torture. I'm not brave enough for all this, really. I keep saying in my head, I love being Catholic. I do. But there's no place set at the table for me. It's like in middle school when I'd want to sit with all the people I thought were interesting, pretty, popular but there was no way for me to sit there.

So what would Jesus do here, seriously? I think Jesus would tell them off, and then get thanked by way of crucifixion. He didn't drag the poor person into the rich person's gathering and sit him down there. He sat at that gathering himself, and also turned around and sat at different gatherings with the poor people. He was a bridge. He was a bridge.

Could I be a bridge? Could I start gatherings for people like me? With Dignity, maybe? For those adults and teens and anyone really who wants to do like Magis did for me?

I want to. I feel like I need to, but not with the dragging feeling of obligation I've had before about things. I WANT to. It would be inauthentic of me to go to Church and not work to better it. But it is NOT CHRISTIAN to fail to minister to this obvious need. OBVIOUS.

So here's where I'm at, a summary and then I go to bed.

1. I want to make art, sell it, and live off it.
2. I don't know if I want to be a nun or not. But right now, I'm leaning toward not.
3. If I'm going to stay Catholic (which right now I am) I need to get in touch with Dignity.
4. I'd like to work for Dignity, I think. From what I know about it.
5. I want to make a place for people like me. I want to meet more of them, and help them too. And be helped by them too.
6. I need to save so I can live on my own. This is 100% imperative. YES.

I think that's that. So blockbuster is fine, for now. Now is research time, and here are just a few of the questions:

1. where my art, how my art, what my art, why my art, who my art. When is whenever I can.
2. I'm putting religious life on the back burner, but I must (as dad said) be trying out the lifestyle now to see if I could live it. I've not forgotten how it resonates with me, how right it seems. If nothing else comes of my intense love of the religious life, I could be associated with a community, or maybe even join it later in life. I'm not done with the nun thing.
3. I like blockbuster because it can give me some money, without demanding all my time and brainpower. I need a job that I get back from and I have enough energy and time to create art. I need to figure out how this balance will work, and really get going on it.

ok, and now to repost in a few places, and then go to bed. Night night.

- me

uh oh, now here's a problem.

2007-09-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

aaahhhhhhhhhhhh ok, so I met a really really really awesome girl. She's cute she's interesting she's smart she's fun...I like her. I think I could like her a lot. And I'm going to be meeting her on Sunday.

We met through okc, and we just kind of hit it off.

I'm terrified. It's the same thing. Me being fat. I'm just terrified she'll meet me and decide um, not attractive weight problem, gonna have to pass. I know it's almost all me, I just can't see MYSELF as attractive. I wouldn't fuck me.

But why? Why wouldn't I be attracted to me? I'm sweet, I'm funny, I'm nice. I have interesting things to contribute to conversations. I'm not boring. My face is good; good lips, good smile, good eyes.

But I'm fat, yeah. A lot around the middle. But I'm not super obese. I'm not ugly really. It just makes me feel so insecure, like I deserve rejection because of it.

I need to sort this out and feel confident by Sunday. I really want to be confident of myself when I'm around her. I just...ok, I know this sounds rediculous, but I want to be right for her. She seems so awesome to me, so much of what I'd pick out if she were some make-believe "ideal" so. And our conversation today...it felt like we both wanted this to work, to become a real relationship. And I do.

Why don't I think I'm worthy of love?

- me

tina dico knows my name

2007-08-27T02:16:00.000-07:00

I need a room with a view
and armchair by the window,
cup of coffee and a cigarette or two

I watch the sky turn from hazy gray to black
watch my neighbors go to work
and look exhausted and burned out
when they get back...
think about you
thank god for this beautiful view

I recall you took me swimming
the sea was dark and cold
you'd been there many times before
with many different girls I'd been told

but what's a man without a past?
we love him for his lies and then we try
to break him down
to make it last,
till they come true...
thank god for this beautiful view

beautiful view...you...I still love you

the dark is falling and the city fills with light
cars like shining pearls on strings
moving through the emptiness of night.
the wine is running to my head
I'm spellbound by the moment
pick it up, can't find the strength to go to bed
without you...thank god for this beautiful view

beautiful view...you...I still love you

I've been blind, too blind to tell false from truth
I've been so busy running never stopped to think
where I was running to

and I've learned my lesson from the tears I've had to cry
sometimes it's good to take a break
to sit alone and watch the world go by
cause everything is new
thank god for this beautiful view
every day is new
thank god for this beautful view

Discontent, anxiety, remorse, etc.

2007-08-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

I feel aweful about Liz, about how things went with her and me. I'm too chickenshit to call her, plus I don't even really want to talk to her...I would love to just let her not be part of my life ever again, to just leave that in the past...but she has my leather jacket. Seriously, I know it's only a jacket, but that thing went to china with me. I love that jacket. More than I loved her? Maybe. Shallow? Yes. Good evidence of why that thing went down the drain so rapidly, once I finally pulled the plug.

I'm still treading water. Yesterday I exercised, and today I will after my class, I'm eating reasonibly...I'm honesty trying to start a new pattern. I know that I've failed a lot in the past at doing this, but I just have to do it, despite that. I'm trying to be excited and not give up on myself too early in the game.

I want a girlfriend pretty badly, but I know I don't have a place for her in my life right yet. I don't have a job, a place to live, or my dog. Those things all have to come before girlfriend, in my book.

I finished my philosophy class. I feel I did pretty fucking well. I wrote some good papers, took some good tests. If nothing else, I'll definately pass. That's all that counts to my school. But what counts to me is that I really did learn a lot, and I actually care about what I learned! It's the same for my women's studies class, maybe even to a greater degree. As ineffectually as I started the paper for it last night, I know when I really get into the writing it'll start to flow naturally. I'm so glad it's not due today, though. I'd be screwed.

I know who I want to be, and what I want to do (for the most part), the challenge is making my desires match reality, and my reality match my desires in turn. I know it can be done.

I'm worried about not taking my pills, my anxiety pills (IRONY!). I'm doing ok, I think a lot of my crazy was brought on by all the stresses I was under at school and now back at home I'm more stable. I don't want to be the crazy girl though, I don't want to go back to how I was last semester. That was a bad time.

I miss my friends, I miss having an easy time, just being me, lazing around watching tv or studying together. I miss Caitlin so much it hurts.

That's where my brain is right now. In Alaska with her.

I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could.

2007-07-05T00:59:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking about the problem I have with touching, hugging, holding, being physical with people. It, contact that is, has always made me feel really really uncomfortable unless it’s agreed upon in a specific way…like a hug is usually a quick thing and both people intend to pull away at a certain point. Knowing when you’re going to disengage the physical contact is part of it. With most situations like that I don’t know when it’s going to happen and I worry that I’ll hold on too long and make the other person feel weird somehow, or if I disengage too quickly or react to quickly and make them feel rebuffed. That always runs though my head, and I try to relax and be natural about physical contact but I still always have this tension in me.

Also, physical contact is very shocking to me, especially bare skin to bare skin. Like it is unpleasant to be bumped in a subway, but it’s REALLY unpleasant for someone (anyone really) to suddenly touch my bare hand. I realize the social cues for things like that…to reinforce communication and familiarity, to emphasize a point. But to touch me is to invade my person. Also really touchy people I tend to misinterpret as people interested in my sexually, which is often false, and I make this assumption because it’s often a flirtatious thing to touch someone, but also it’s not sometimes so it’s hard for me to tell.

This is all in direct contrast with how I feel about touching animals, which I love to pet and sit with on my lap and I love to feel the weight of a dog or cat against my back as I fall asleep. I love the different shapes of dogs and cats faces, and to touch the strange contours. I know how wierd that sounds, but it's true. So but I can fall asleep with animals nearby. That’s nice, even comforting. But I can’t sleep in the same bed as someone else, I’ve found, because I listen to their breathing and think about the sounds my stomach makes and how maybe my nose whistles while I try to lie quietly beside them. So I don’t sleep. Except with Caitlin in the room…for some reason, I learned to let myself be and I loved to listen to her gentle sleep sounds…but then, I was in love with her, so there’s that. We had very few bounderies between us, in the end.

I want to find a way to let myself be as other people are, and be less sensitized to touch in these ways. It has been true for as far back as I can remember. I’m not as sensitive to sound anymore, but I still cover my ears or leave the room if there are sounds that are too loud, or if there is a sound that scratches a nerve inside me I react in a physical way. I used not be able to sleep with music or ay sounds at all. The loudness of my friend's cars, the sound of their music especially base (which still bothers me sometimes) would make me feel physically sick. There are so many ways, I find, that I am terrifically different from others, from everyone I know. A lot of it is neurosis (or possibly psychosis), tied to my brain being...off.

I wish I were like normal people. I was thinking about this as I was trying to sleep tonight. It's really lonely sometimes.

gnomes on my brain

2007-07-02T03:45:00.000-07:00

And seriously, here's a cool idea. I would love to design and sell garden, home and work gnomes, of varying sizes and degrees of detail. Some for mass production made with plaster cast molds, and some individual and unique pieces. I spent the last hour drawing sketches of different gnomes I'd love to create and sell. And fuck, I could sell them in Tammy's shop!! Could it get more awesome? I mean, lots to pin down. I don't know if I could sculpture as well as I'd need to for such a grand undertaking. But how awesome to be the gnome lady. People collecting my gnomes.

The home and work ones would be of particularly small size, since I'd want them to be able to sit on a desk or on a bookshelf. But never plastic, I like to work in ceramics too much, but I don't know if I should use porcelein or some kind of earthen ware...for the smaller ones probably porcelein if it's going to be so small, right? I need the detail, but a lot of that can be the painting.

The designs I've come up with so far are just awesome. Portland is such a ggreen place, and it should be totally overrun with gnomes in my opinion. Vancouver and Camas too! And if I'm in luck, Mom will hate gnomes. =)

ok, so.

2007-07-02T01:00:00.000-07:00

I bought a scale. It was hard for me to do, I hated having to ask for where it was because I have to resist the urge to assume other people care whether or not I'm fat. I'm just some random customer to them, passing very briefly through their lives, making no major impression really. The question remains if I really can change. IF it's possible. What I want to believe is true is manifestly not always true - I believed I could complete my internship. I believed I could graduate on time. I believed I could pass my classes. None of these things were true. Caitlin love that movie "what the bleep do we know" all about how believing in something helps to make it true. If I don't give myself a chance, if I don't start out believing I can make it, I do doom myself. I want more out of this life. I want to be thin, confident, have a good job, spiritually prepare myself for my religious life, try out that dating a girl who actually cares about me thing…Go to clubs and meet people.

But with the weight thing, I do want to lose weight. I do want to be skinny. I need to make a plan so that it will happen…and I need to stick to it and not let myself grow frustrated and quit, or over-reward myself, or cheat because I don’t feel happy.

Problem areas with my losing weight:

I use food to counter-act boredom, and every time I feel any kind of hunger I immediately eat. I think, other than one snack in the afternoon, I should drink water when I get these cravings, or tea, or gum. All good alternatives.

Exercise is a real problem. I hate doing sit-ups, not because they exhaust me but because they hurt my back and my ass and my neck…everything BUT my stomach. I need to find exercises that work the stomach muscles that are nicer to the rest of my body…or maybe I’m just not doing them right. That’s something to find out tomorrow I think.

But I bought the scale. That’s for weekly weighing. I need to print out a calendar so that I can keep track of my weight and what I eat each day, like I was gonna do with Dom but stopped doing. I did weight myself tonight…no, I can’t even type it. I’m ashamed that I’ve let my weight problem get so out of control. I don’t want to be one of those morbidly obese people on tv who have to get a gastric-bypass surgery or they WILL die. I don’t want to be using food as my comfort in this world. I have a better comfort, a deeper strength, a stronger hope. I forget so often.

A big frustration is my situation with learning how to play go. Obviously it is a life passion, and perhaps I am pushing myself too hard to become better. But the software I aquired is too much stronger than I am, I don’t understand it’s tactics, I rarely get more than one of two stones, and never finish a game with more than a few living stones. I think I don’t understand the rules well enough in practice, so I’m hoping to talk to my prof after class and see if I can play a few games against him, to make sure that I’m ACTUALLY understanding it. I wish I could convince one of my friends to play with me. I don’t know anyone in the class…I’m afraid to talk to them. I don’t think they’ll like me. But I’m sure they could use practice too. I fear I’m not analytical enough to be a good player of this game. I want to be really good player of this game very badly. I know that will take time, but I want it, and I want to do what I have to do to make that happen.

I want to get A’s in both of my classes this semester, and so far I’m doing well. I’m keeping up on the homework, I’m participating. It makes me sad that I don’t have any real friends in any of the classes yet…but then, people can feel intimidated by me cause I’m so…me. I can be loud and brash and opinionated and that can really annoy some people.

Nothing feels quite right. Being home…it’s too comfortable. I’m back in all my old clothes, and I’m lulled to sleep by the sound of the fan and dad mowing the lawn outside. I should be trying to move on, to stand on my own feet. But I’m still comfortably in the nest. Because I don’t believe in myself, and I don’t want to fall on my face again.

Maybe just until Fall, I can give myself time to heal. It was really hard for me, this last year. I’ve never hated life more, struggled more just to wake up and keep living. Every day was this disjointed, painful experience that brought with it lots of self-loathing and humiliation. And losing my internship…I definitely haven’t recovered from that. IF I could just remember how valuable I can be…

so that’s some of my thoughts right now. Class in the morning so I need to go to sleep.

2007-06-10T17:11:00.000-07:00

I caught a flu of some kind. I seem to be sick more frequently than other people. Is this cause I'm a hypochondriac...or is there something actually wrong with me? With my immune system maybe?

I have a plan for the completion of my degree, and it's in action. On the 25th, I begin taking a class at the University of Portland. I'll also be taking a class at Clark soon. Then in the fall, a course at Marylhurst. Awesome! Then I graduate, before December no less.

Mary, the twin sister of my sister's fiance. has offered for me to go in with her on a house in Portland. It would be a very big step for me. First, I would need a job, and I believe I could do that around my school schedule. Probably at Costco, but hopefully anywhere else. Since the house would be in portland, I'm worried about transportation, as I've never taken a city bus before. Fuck, I've never lived in a city period! But it would be an awesome thing, living genuinely on my own, supporting myself, tasting Portland! I'm going to let it ruminate until I get my job set up, and then call Mary and say I am definately interested.

I'm excited about life. I just want to stop being sick now. =)

- me

Today I feel like a badass!!

2007-05-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

I weighed myself for the first time since March (don't know the date, I guess!) and I've lost 14 pounds since then!!! That's so awesome and I'm really excited! So see, that's actual intentional weight loss!

And oh yes. I started my laundry (which there's a lot of) and I'm gonna go paint doors for my parent's flip as soon as I'm done with this post. I wrote myself a to do and to get list for the next week or so, and I feel excited for what's coming up in my life!

School is finally finally over. I feel like I can do it. Like I can be successful and I'm capable of getting a job I like and being good at it and getting enough money to move out...well, I don't know about by fall because Mom and Dad didn't think it was a reasonible expectation, but SOON!

Tonight, if I finish all my laundry, I'm going to do my first real art in a long time. I'm really happy. There's a lot to do, but I CAN DO IT! I don't have to be stuck in a rut, I can do something about it...and I am! YAY!

- Maddie

2007-04-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

I love "IMPACT" - it's a show on discovery health all about horrible horrible accidents that happen to people!! It's so awesome. Like right now they're talking about a guy in a car accident who got a big piece of steel rebar THROUGH HIS HEAD! And the people always survive. Sometimes they develop disabilities, but they always survive and it's so cool because they tell you about the surgeries they have to go through and the therapy, and it's just so cool. I am such a crazy morbid person sometimes.

SOON SOON SOON.

2007-04-13T02:05:00.000-07:00

someday I will be unbearibly beautiful
and instead of you worrying for the sake of the charming, but:
ugly
fat
self-conscious
girl,
you will hit on me, you will ask me for my number,
you will ask me if I'd like to dance
you will compliment me on my health routine
and
YOU will feel intimidated by ME.

someday I will be unbearibly beautiful
and will not look at myself in the mirror
and some days laugh at my lack of progress
and some days suck in my stomach and try to imagine
and some days wish I could cut it all off with a knife
and be done with it.

someday I will be unbearibly beautiful
and girls will line up at my door, begging me to look their way
and I will buy clothes I am not embarrased of
and I will own belts that wrap around me, with several holes extra
and I will like pictures taken of me
and I people will actually see me, the me that is trapped in all this fat.

So...

2007-02-10T20:44:00.000-08:00

I'm intoxicated. And breaking up with my girlfriend on the phone tonight. And hoping to get a little action from a cutie down the way.

That is all I have to say.

- fin -

2007-02-08T22:53:00.000-08:00

Azure Ray - Safe and Sound

With every word i live again
Through the eyes of another
We'll meet at night wet from the rain
And surprise each other
With how we take away the pain
Could you be the one to find me safe and sound
Love is how it's lost not how it's found
I don't know those eyes
But i see beauty there always
I know it's wrong to love you from afar
But it's a craze
You recognize my pain
Could you be the one to find me safe and sound
Love is how it's lost.. not how it's found
Love is how it's lost.. not how it's found

I'll take away your pain
Could you be the one to find me safe and sound?
Love is how it's lost .. not how it's found
Love is how it's lost .. not how it's found

Love is when I'm lost.. not when I'm found

2007-01-24T16:05:00.000-08:00

I've got some mixed up feelings recently.

I'm working harder to exercise - I'm dedicated to losing lbs, especially now that I actually know how much I weigh. No, I won't write it here. That would be a kind of torture even for me. But now that I know, I can't help but try to change it, and the effort is, FOR ONCE, going well. I've gone exercising twice this week, and it looks like I'll be going every other day, if not every day, because of cycle days. CT has been exercising with me, which has been a wonderful motivator. I'm eating well - no soda, no sweets, low fat, just reasonable.

She's living in my room. Plutonically. She has a boyfriend back at home. And I think we're becoming better friends, and that the crush is getting less....which is kind of necessary since she IS living in my room.

I'm on medication, and take it every day. It hasn't really kicked in yet (it's only been a little over a week), but I trust it will soon enough.

I've been better at doing art, and thinking through my problems. I haven't been regularly attending two of my classes, but one of them I haven't missed once, and have promised myself to never miss (since if I miss three I am automatically dropped from the class). I hereby promise myself to not miss my philosophy classes anymore just because I'm tired and shit. It's so lame of me. Part of it is just laziness...part of it is the depression...part of it is the sinking feeling of impending failure. I'm sorry if I don't have any faith in my ability to survive a philosophy class, even if the prof is nice. I just get so overwhelmed and stupid-feeling. It's just no my field. But for this semester, it just has to be.

My brother has his PhD now. I'm so proud of him, I've told all my friends.

Yesterday night I went on a candlelit walk to the chapel across the lake, to pray for piece with about 30 other people. I helped light all the torches and candles. I sang the songs with them. It felt so good, so perfect to be surrounded by these people. They want peace in their lives and in this world too. It's not just me. Walking across the ice, with the torches scattered all across the lake, we just walked, like a crowd of shadows. And I was one of them, and alone too. It was amazing.

I don't know if I can keep doing this. I know my medication will kick in soon, so I'm holding on for that. But I'm not thick with hope. I'm not heavy with joy. I'm small, and not very happy.

fin.

Not Much New!

2007-01-01T21:52:00.000-08:00

It looks like I'll get to graduate, and that things might turn out ok.

last time I had my eyes both closed
I was remembering your delicate lips
their flavor, we were drunk
and I was patiently infatuated

or how the bottle twisted in
your hands while pouring out a glass
and the gentle slur
of your whispered adoration

I’m not always sure
how you hold my attention
but you do, and completely

last time I left a boy and you
alone, too drunk to go home
and so early in the morning I sat
in the grass of the park, looked
at the stars
and cried

nobody knows that moment but me
and the moon.

you wouldn’t care for the details.

2006-11-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

This is the song, for now, that best illustrates a certain joy and frustration of mine. Of Montreal wrote and performed it, and I lived it:

AN ODE TO THE NOCTURNAL MUSE

I love to sleep
I love my bed
cause it brings strange dreams to me
and life's much better when I’m asleep I can see anything
don’t have to worry about anything

I know you love to sleep
you love your pillows
cause they bring sweet dreams to you
and life's much better when you’re asleep
you can do anything don’t have to fuss over anything

Life's much better when you’re asleep
you can do anything don’t have to fuss over anything

Well there’s nothing quite as great
it’s my favorite mental state
subconscious stream of thought
creates avant garde films in my mind
and watching them is how I like to spend my time
I love to sleep I love my bed
cause it brings strange dreams to me
and life's much better when I’m asleep
I can do anything
don’t have to care about anything

I can’t wait to be old growing senile together
holding hands and both completely out of our heads
We won’t notice when we’re dead
we’ll be too busy dreaming too busy dreaming
We’ll be too busy dreaming
.....

Yep. I've written a lot lately, and I need to do art...but first perhaps some homework? Thanksgiving was pleasant, and messy, and frustrating, and interesting. I don't know how to describe it all. I wish things in my life were simpler. That the sun didn't set so early. That I didn't want to sleep more, even after 12 hours of it.

I'm up now. What do you want?

- fin -

2006-11-18T01:17:00.000-08:00

I'm on reserve power now, so I've got to make this quick.

Today was shit-tastic, but I no longer care - for in 4 hours I get up, in 5 hours I get on a bus, in 7 hours I'll arrive at the airport, in 9 hours (about) I'll be on a plane...and then on another plane a bit later...and then in 15 hours I'll be in the arms of my girlfriend.

FUCK YOU WORLD!

It's unfortunate that so much of my time will be taken up by sitting in the plane. I'll bring my sketchbook, see if I can't entertain myself.

I'm currently nursing a fascination for geniuses, especially of the prodigy and savant variety. Also spent some time learning about how people make roads, recently.

I hope my fishy children survive my absence!

-fin-

INTERNET LOVE GODDESS

2006-11-06T00:48:00.000-08:00

SO, today I wanted to work on a paper. It NEVER happened. Not even a little bit. But this doesn't bother me to terribly...I have over 10 hours to work on it tomorrow/today! It's only 3-4pgs.

But anyway, I ran across this:

http://www.projectkooky.com/erika/

And I'm afraid I'm a little infatuated with her. Like, she's a comic artist. Wow. And she's in love with her art, like I am. I love her style, SO much, but she's got a hold of textures, color and shading like I don't yet....oh there's so much I could LEARN from her there! She's older than me (either 23 or 25? I'm not sure) and I know she's out of college. But she's living in my FUCKING TOWN. I mean, no way? People as awesome as this should be living in bum-fuck-nowhere, not at HOME, right?!

So how creepy would it be to email her and be like, want to hang out I read all about you on your webpage? Yes, the answer is very creepy. And she has a livejournal which I don't do anymore. NO devart. NO facebook. Myspace is creeeepy. SO, she may remain someone for me to quitely desire, but not in a creepy way.

AND she's totally cute. Did I mention she's totally cute? I can read what I wrote before and see I haven't, but still, she's so totaly really cute. And unavailable. But available for a bender? Hm. She could teach me the ways of P-Town, being the suburbanite that I am.

And she used the phrase "if wishes were fishes" in one of her pieces. I have a special affinity to that phrase. And she keeps her hair real short and she is only really occasionally atracted to guys but more usually women (just like me!) and she doesn't always have an easy time getting up, and she's hairy! Seriously, like God was sitting up in heaven after the platypus and was like "let's make someone who is enough like Maddie to intruige her and hook her, but let's make the Other more experienced and a few steps ahead. That'll be infuriatingly wonderful!" And so they did.

I was totally going to email her gmail, but thought better of it. Let's give it at least a week. What if I stumble on something of her's that's like "and oh, Catholics? Yeah. HATE THEM ALL." or like "but pet fish, ew." because that could be difficult, me being me.

I'm not imagining babies or anything. But OH! She's so great.

And now I TOTALLY want to rock out on art for a while, but it's late and I should go to bed.

OH grumble.

fin

Beginning of a very good day

2006-10-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

I love how things end up balancing out over time.

Last night I had a wonderful night chilling with CT, watching movies and cuddling on my bed (and in my bed) in my room at grandmas. It was a truely lovely time, AND I finished my journal entry for Kaster ontime, and sent it to him. I'm doing alright there.

Today we woke eachother up at 10 (I had woken up at 9:30...my room a was cold and I was coughing I guess!) and we went to Kay's Kitchen for a hearty breakfast - her a really tasty chicken sandwich and me an omlette with hashbrowns. I rediscovered the Carpenters on my way to there and back, and it gives me an unspeakible joy.

I need to send mom and dad my dates so that they can plan my plane now, and they can still buy reasonably affordible tickets.

Today I homework until my eyeballs fall out. I'm gonna ROCK this. On monday my CD mod class starts, and I'm excited about that too!

In a cheery, I'm trying to turn things around and appear to be succeeding mood! Yay!

(fin)

Fucking Hell

2006-10-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

SO, kind of a fucked up day. That's how I'm feeling.

I wake up - later than I should, but earlier than yesterday - and go to michaels to buy art supplies. I figure this will cheer me up. It does a little, as does the art I make.

Then CT asks me over for dinner, which I ate and LOVED it was so good, my first food of the day. I'm feeling pretty nice. And she's had a little tiff with her roomate, so I say why not come over to my grandma's place and we'll watch movies. She's in. We rent lesbian movies: Better Than Chocolate, Boys Don't Cry, and a foreign film named Producing Adults.

She cuddles up in my bed, which is adorible. I'm having so much trouble with her - she gives me NOTHING but MIXED SIGNALS. Does she want to be only friends now in a purely plutonic sense of the word? Maybe yeah. I'd be ok with that, I'd have to adjust to it, but alright. But it's not like I tried to kiss her or anything; I'm not stupid and if I don't get a good "kiss me" vibe, I don't go for it. Maybe that's just me. It HURTS to know she's not attracted to me. I know that I know that I know that and it's just not going to change. Maybe she recently thought it through too, and realized she didn't want to be with someone she's not attracted to. Genius.

But in any case, she left after that first movie - not even 11 yet. I drove her home. If she wanted me to play a game and beg her to stay and be with me all night, I wasn't going to. And I wasn't going to confess my love - jeez, I've already DONE that. You think I'd take the hint!!! I think to myself, maybe she was never into me at all and I imagined it, but then I think about the way she kissed me...she kisses so different and so much more wonderfully than anyone I've ever kissed before. I've not wanted so badly to kiss a girl before in my whole life I think. But I drove her home, and she seemed...fine. Just herself. Like this wasn't a statement, she's just being a friend.

Ok. You just want to be friends. I get it. That's what today said to me. Alright.

But I get home, and decide hey, I'll watch a lesbian movie that will make me feel a little less like blah shit. SO I put in the foreign one, Producing Adults, and it's HORRIBLY DEPRESSING. Like, unloving and unsatisfying relationships, people doing tons of stuff behind eachother's backs, a failed lesbian romance that just gets worse and worse...everything that really happens that I dispise. The GAMES. And I finish that, and am like...gee, that sucked. I'll go onto deviantart and see if anyone has said anything nice.

And I've recieved a message. It's from a deviant I assocaite with online, and we comment on eachother's work and stuff. I had offered to send her a teeshirt that my club on campus is making, which might have a design I drew on it. Her response to this was "No thanks, I don't give my address to strangers."

Well, we're not exactly strangers, that's a bit harsh. I understand the sentiment; neither do I, I just thought I'd offer. But she certianly could have said that a hell of a lot nicer, and it couldn't have caught me at a worse time.

So yeah. A bit of a fucked up night, and feeling rejected and alone mostly.

Fuck this. I HATE how I've been feeling about myself for the past weeks; worthless, useless, unnecessary, incapable. I've been depressed. There's just no point to anything anymore. I haven't been to church in 2 weeks. It all, just everything in my life, sucks so much. I hate it. I just don't believe I'm capable of change. I don't think I can do it. I don't know why I ever try.

(fin)

The Poem That Arises...

2006-10-15T03:10:00.000-07:00

...from an interesting relationship THING I'm experiencing.

there are girls whose roots are tangled
with my meandering hands
and I’ve forgotten to be cautious
and that somehow that’s endearing

who ask me if I’ll dance with them
a little bit too close
who tease me back, who touch me back
who I frustrate into frenzy

I’m lucky and I know it
though the whole world fell to pieces
outside our arboretum
I couldn’t feel the leaves
I only fell to sleep

we’ve created our own time zone
it is Spring between my legs
and when I choose (I’ll have to choose)
and when the seasons catch up
You’ll see

the trees won’t be able to tell us
apart

...........

These girls, these lovely lovely girls! Yes, my situation with these three lovely girls is what gives me all the joy in my life right now. Everything outside of it is falling apart; my internship situation, my registration status, home life with Grandma, everything basically. But each girl gives me hope, and awakes me to parts of myself I had nearly forgotten.

Liz is my rock. Liz is there for me, and that's right back too. This is love without an end - and as cheesy as that sounds even to me I know it to be true. We've been together in one form or another for 3 years now. For the last year and a half we've been in different states, and still we call or text almost every day. She wants me, flaws and all. She's seen everything about me, and taken it in stride. And equally I've been trying to do the same with her; I recognize her flaws, but in the long run, they don't really matter. I feel as though if everything really does go to hell in a handbasket, I can go to Ohio and fuck, I could raise goats with her. And we would love eachother all the more. My complicated love life does not worry her; we're open.

CY is water to me. She is lucid, and I'm new for her. I could die the way she smiles at me. I could die how much I want to taste her lips! And for how little we've touched, it feels unbelievably right. I don't need to impress her, and she knows it's the same back. I've known her for nearly as long as I've known Liz. CY does not share her hidden, inner thoughts much. She is often very introverted, introspective, and what does come out of her mouth is always precious. She is unbelievably endering. Sometimes I wonder how much she might want from me; do I really seem attractive to her? She only haltingly touches me, but this could just be her shyness and self-control taking over. It was the same for me! I want to lay the whole world at her feet, to cover her with kisses, to satisfy her entirely. I want to lay with her and never get up again. I want to go with her to concerts, and proof-read her papers, and learn Japanese from her. I think we would have what it takes.

CT is fire to me. She is loyal to herself alone as far as I can tell, although she has expressed to me how much she wants me as her friend, as she doesn't feel she has many right now. I am unsure of how much she really desires me, or merely how much she knows I desire her, and this reflection is bright enough to blind her. I am not convinced she is actually attracted to me at all; but she enjoys teasing, and being teased, and touching, and being touched. She allows me to worship her. I have rarely know anyone so unbelievably, heart-stoppingly GORGEOUS in my life. And sexy. She knows how to drive a girl (or boy, for that matter) perfectly insane. She enjoys this. I have sworn off her many times, but I always come back. She knows she weakens me, she wears off the edges of my bad moods, she turns me on, and she will 'o wisps away. Her energy is boundless. She has put a spell on me that I am not interested in breaking. I want to drive her WILD. I want to see what she is hiding. She makes me evil too.

These are the girls in my REAL life.

There is also a girl, who lives far away, who I may never meet, but already adore. She does not realize she is beautiful. She's smarter than me. She has impeccable taste in music; a trait we may or may not share. I hope we get to stay friends for a while - I have lost friends on the internet several times, and it is always a little blow to my heart.

...my girls. My LUCK! I wonder what they see, when they look at me? I only have my own two eyes. But this is a little world I have built, independant of the life-altering struggle I live outside it. This is a little garden oasis for me. I have never been so content with anything in my whole life.

(fin)

2006-10-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

I might, just might, have fucked everything up right now.

If the learning contract I just sent to Jeff Kaster was one of the things that I was required to send before midnight...I sent it at 12:04. We agreed upon this condition. I couldn't remember if it was necessary. IF it was...then I may have fucked it all up and LOST EVERYTHING.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

(fin)

Hours of Sleep for 10/12-10/13

2006-10-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

Slept:

from 4am - 3pm. 11 hours.

And my grandma is SO dissapointed. How it breaks my little heart.

(fin)

Recent Events, also, What Happened To My Internship

2006-10-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

So, here's the downlo, yos.

Internship:

So I'm not a very good employee. Good person, yes. Good Catholic, most of the time. Good employee...not so much. This is due in part to a few things:

1. I'm not so great at things which require self-initiative. I especially haven't been so in the past. This plays out in so many different ways.

2. I have problems relating to my sleep. Due to a kind of panic/anxiety I get at night, I usually don't sleep very well. Sometimes it manifests as insomnia, and as I get tired later becuase of the insomnia I konk out the next night (or afternoon, or evening...take your pick) which just fucks up any "plans" I may have made to the contrary. This cycle of sleep and too much sleep causes my immune system to be lower, which gets me sick...which cuases even MORE missing of work.

Missing work thrice without any really good explaination is why I lost my internship.

What? I lost my internship? Yes.

My faculty contact and I had a discussion, which ended with "well, I think we better have a meeting with everyone involved and find you a new internship." Becuase although when I was there I was doing good, enthusastic work, when I wasn't there I confused everyone. Wasn't I supposed to be there, doing something, get my required hours? It was a large internship, so I was required at least 3-4 hours a day and those were all the hours they could manage to give me. They couldn't find enough for me to do to complete it in the first place, so we had worked out a plan that would extend me into next semester. But that all went to hell in a handbasket when they realized I was a bad employee.

SO last week I met with my internship site supervisor, my internship director at CSB, my faculty moderator (Kaster) and an academic advising lady. Everyone wants what's best for me, and naturally so do I. Nobody knew quite what that was, except for that I wouldn't be doing this internship anymore.

The new plan is this:

1. I close out my internship with Kaster by seeing the councilor at CSB and getting checked out medically about the sleep thing. Could it all just be that I have no self-motivation and need to get that in gear? Yes. It could be that. If it is, it's still a big problem...how do you self-motivate to get self-motivated? An excellent question I don't have an answer to. If my sleep problems are medical in some way, then a doctor can perscribe SOMETHING that will help me stay regulated in that way. And a concilor can certainly help me work on the self-motivation and anxiety. I report on this to Kaster. That would be uncomfortible except for that he's an amazing guy, and if he doesn't mind hearing about my "personal life" then I have no problem telling him about it. I trust him.

2. I take an ILP (independant learning project) with a theo prof, hopefully Marian Diaz, about discernment (the same topic as a class she's currently teaching, so she wouldn't be unprepared to moderate an ilp for me). If not Marian, than any theo prof would do. I have to line this up by..oh...tomorrow. I have to be REGISTERED for one by next week.

3. I take a CD mod class, which I'm already signed up for thanks to the academic advising lady. Yay for her!

4. I stay in my Pastoral Ministry class, and kick ass at it. Good for that. It's every monday night, so basically I spend a lot of time sitting on my ass in my Grandma's house. I do my homework. I play nice.

That equals out to 12 credits, which is enough to keep me a fulltime student.

It was a very close call. I might have had to withdraw if I hadn't been able to work out a plan like this. IF I had had to withdraw, that would have put me a semester behind...an extra semester that my parents would not be able to pay for. A complicated series of events would have followed: me begging for money on the street, possibly funding my own "super senior" semester, graduating late if at all.

Not graduating would mean trying to find a job without my BA, not a good things when trying to work for the Church.

I feel about this: startled. This series of events should not surprise me, but I'm dissapointed in myself of course, for failing so miserable at something so dead easy. "Show up to work" shouldn't be all that difficult. But for me, sometimes, it is, and I need to make it not so.

I say need, becuase that's the way it is. Not want, although I also want. But want implies I could do without it. Not so. I NEED to be employable to make any of my dreams for the future a reality. I NEED to bust my ass, and bend and scrape to make things work out, so that I'm no longer this unreliable, incompetent employee.

So I went to the councilor yesterday, and I have a meeting planned with a councilor for next Tuesday. Good start. Still to do: email Marian Diaz about the ILP, and go to the doctor.

Going to the doctor is complicated by past events; last semester's mono-like illness, me recieving my anxiety medication (yes, I am medicated, it's called Solexus and, lol, causes drowsiness!). I don't know if I should just do it and worry about the money later, or brave the conversation with my parents.

Mom and dad know all of this (minus the going to the doctor part) and are reasonably parts dissapointed and supportive of my drive for reform.

I haven't told many other people, becuase it makes me frustrated and sad.

so...that's the way it is.

(fin)

A short evaluation to note my concern:

2006-10-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

Total sleep time for Day/Night of Oct 11 - Oct 12 Day/Night

3-6 pm, woke to eat dinner and then went back to sleep. 3 hours
6 pm - 1 am, woke from dream and couldn't fall back asleep for a while. Took Tylenol PM. 7 hours.
4 - 10:30 am woke finally in the morning. 6.5 hours.

16.5 hours of sleep.

Something is wrong with me.

(fin)

Dream for night of Wed. October11

2006-10-12T00:19:00.000-07:00

I am in jail, although jail looks very similiar to the Grandma's house but with Idzerda's living room inside. I have met the love of my life here: a Chinese woman named Liu Qi. She speaks little or no English but I have mastered Chinese so this is not a problem. We are so in love. We make love as Liz and I did, in one of the small, cell like rooms. But we are so content to be together.

This place is hell to us, for soon they don't let us be together and neither of us will ever be set free. Liu Qi talks me into committing suicide with her. Poison. She takes it first, and we say an emotional goodbye. It takes a while for the effects to kick in.

I am alone in my cell, and I take the poison. Many many pills. I am then on the subway, and second guessing my decision to die. The people who pass me by seem to be moving in slow motion, and I know this is the effect of the pills. I have arrived where I was going (another part of the prison?) and walk from person to person saying "excuse me, I need to ask you an important question." Nobody responds to me, and I get several dirty looks before I realize and say aloud, "oh, but that phrase usually ends with 'have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior! No wonder nobody is listening to me." A random stranger affirms that this is the case. I see a warden pass me by, and I beg her for her help. She tell me to meet her outside the bars. I decide to, but then don't. I want to be with Liu Qi. I head back the other way on the subway and Kevin is there, and Shaun with him. I make a final decision, just in time. I turn to Shaun and in a panic ask him to help me gag. He takes a second to realize what I've said and then gamely sticks his finger down my throat (what a friend!) and helps me throw up all the pills I had just ate. Shaun, embarrassed by the mess I made, covers the vomit with his trench coat. I sit on the floor and weep - my Liu Qi is going on without me, I was too weak to leave.

I return to the prison, where I will live out the rest of my days. In a cafeteria style setting, all the prisioners are working on some kind of dance routine, or computer program. Perhaps we are being trained in some way. Everyone has already broken up into groups, and I am alone without my Liu Qi. Class begins, and without a partner I will get in trouble with the warden. There are balance beams attatched to the front of all the desks, and as there would not have been room for me to simply shove my way through until I found someone as a partner, I nimbly pulled myself up on one of the beams with a single arm. I think of a monkey pulling itself onto a branch with one arm. One of the prisoners gives me a dirty and jellous look, and I smile serenely back, then scamper away to find a partner. I run to the back of the room, and there is a long desk with five or six younger children. Around 6th and 7th grade, as I would have associated with occasionally in VSAA. They are working on the computer program, but cannot see it on the monitor. They ask me to fix it. They didn't have the monitor ON. The program shows up: bacon, cheese, sausage...all these are presented like an executable command module, with bottons. Simple HTML must be what we are learning. I took a computer science class (although I did subsequently have to drop it...) and so I know a little programming. I should be useful.

But I am still so lonely.

(fin)