what it's like to be so thin-skinned

I don't really feel up to the task of figuring out my feelings right now, but I feel obligated. They're not good. I had a long and mostly really good day with Chris and Teresa. But things went kind of wrong, a little at a time, and now I feel horrible.

I'd gone over knowing that Teresa's cousin, Bri, would be there. She's really nice, and funny, and I enjoy her company. When I got over to the house we played some WoW and when Teresa and Bri lost interest in it we more or less went about our individual interenetting. I like the time I spend doing these things...because I can be social and share things I find, and vice versa, and the internet is pretty much boundlessly interesting. I watched Chris play a game for a while, which I also really love doing, and he explained it a bit to me. Then Chris said that we needed to take Bri home, and the cats were going to go to Anita's (would I like to come along?) and Justin would be over later.

We piled into the car and dropped off the cats first. It was pretty much in and out, but I really love Anita's house. Anita is the mom of Teresa's best friend Katie. I felt shy, and suddenly realized how little I wanted to talk about myself, or draw attention to myself today. That despite having such a great day yesterday, I felt awkward today and just wanted to be in a familiar environment. We soon left and took Bri to the houseboat on which her dad and siblings were staying for the weekend. I'd never been on a houseboat before. I felt unsteady on the floating sidewalks, and a bit disconcerted how the boat was moving in the water while they sat and chatted. I didn't talk much, I usually feel really strange and exposed when in a stranger's house. It was a small environment with plenty of people, and I felt so BIG, as though I took up more space than I needed to. Teresa and Chris were relaxed and chatty with Bri's dad, but I can't remember what they chatted about. We weren't there long, and I was really relieved to get back on proper land. I felt embarrassed to have expressed as much fear as I did about the whole "not actually land what if I end up in the water" thing.

When we returned to Chris and Teresa's house Justin was there. I want to like Justin, I do. He's Chris' best friend, and he doesn't visit often as he lives in Seattle. But something about him puts me on guard. I am always anxious when he's around. Maybe it's because I so thoroughly don't understand him. He is smart, and often says things that reveal how curious he is about the world, and about how people interact. I'm impressed by his intelligence. I get the sense that all the information he receives is carefully indexed in his mind for future reference (he is a dangerous foe in trivia competitions). He can say things that will put you at ease, but he has an innappropriate curiosity when it comes to other people's boundries. I don't think he's a bad person, really, but I think that that, in particularly, is his own bad habit. He has a certain level of social ineptitude that is genuine, and on that front I try to be open and honest with him. Yet also, I know and can sense that some of his boundry pushing is fun for him, and sadism always makes me feel victimized and angry at the same time. It brings me back into that middle-school mindset, when I was bullied. And also, my personal boundries are a source of great frustration to me, and when it's pointed out to me that they are...abnormal, it can bother me all day, and it can really really bring me down. He can't know that, and I don't want to make other people feel bad about it either because it's really just me beating myself up. I feel bad because I'm weird like this.

Anyway, Justin was there, and I was immediately on edge. The boundry de jour was personal space...and my intimacy issues have been weighing heavily on me lately, as I've just started going on dates with this nice new girl, and I am pretty afraid she'll bolt when she learns about them. That's a different story. Anyway, when we went out for dinner we were put in a fairly small booth, small for four people anyway. Or maybe it was perfectly reasonably sized, and I was just hyper-sensitive. But I ended up sitting on the inside next to the wall, with my left arm against the wall and Justin on my right blocking me in (I'm left handed). Chris and Teresa were across from me. Once I realized how trapped it made me feel I asked if the others might want to move to a different booth, across the way, where both sides were open to the isles and I could have my left hand free. They didn't think it was necessary and I didn't push it, although I was unhappy. I didn't want to embarrass myself by saying why I really wanted to move...because I felt cramped, and a bit panicky having Justin so close to me that our legs touched. He could see my discomfort and even a few times in the meal serrpitiously poked me. Not ok. Not funny. But normal people would not have found it so uncomfortable...so I tried to just laugh and relax and get through the dinner. At one point, we were talking about the date I just went on, and I said that we hadn't kissed, no, we hadn't really touched at all, and that that was fine by me. Justin asked what I considered first base. I was pretty thoroughly taken aback, not because he had asked such an inappropriate question, because this is something I have come to expect from Justin. More becuase the question made me think even harder about something i don't like to think much about. First base for me? Holding hands. Extended eye contact. How embarrassing that I am terrified of anything beyond such a basic level as that? The food was good. The conversation was good, otherwise. But I was already pretty thoroughly rattled and feeling terrible.

At one point I had to leave the table to fix something with my card, and when I came back I could feel that everyone was hiding something, and felt like they were looking at me. It felt like they had told a joke about me while I was gone, and it was funny to them but I wouldn't have liked it. Soon I realized it was nothing more than that they had changed the background of my phone to something inappropriate. It would have been funny had I not been in that mindset. Again, it felt a bit like my childhood, when I so badly wanted friends, and they would say mean things about me and I wouldn't speak up but laugh along with them. But it wasn't like that, because usually Chris and Teresa are so kind to me. On the way out Teresa appologized because she could see I wasn't really amused by their prank. I tried to explain why it had upset me but gave up...it was too difficult to do without starting to cry, and I didn't want to ruin the evening.

After dinner we went back to Chris and Teresa's house, where we interenetted while Chris and Justin played a video game. I relaxed and laughed a bit at myself for being so silly and sensitive today. I asked Teresa if she'd like to go on a day hike with me tomorrow, and she agreed, which really made me pretty happy. I love to go hiking and usually go alone because other than my father, no one will join me.

We then returned to Anita's to pick up the cats. It was a kind of test run with the cats for Anita, because she wanted to be sure they would adapt to her household and that she wasn't allergic to them. The cats came into Chris and Teresa's life by accident and they'd been lucky that Anita had wanted them. Anyway, they have a lovely household and soon we were all sitting on chairs and the sofa, chatting away. I made sure to sit in an armchair, so it was just me and I didn't have to have my space invaded. I met Anita's husband (Brian? I think that was his name) and he was really nice. But because I had been feeling like I had, I didn't really want extra attention. I really just wanted to go home, I guess, but it would have made Teresa upset if I had insisted and so to be a good sport I let the evening drag on. I got what I felt was extra attention, because we spent the rest of it sitting around and admiring our iphones, which Anita and Brian had never gotten a hard look at. For a while Brian borrowed mine, looking at my photo library (which I found pretty awkward since I didn't know him at all) and he talked to me quite a bit, actually. Toward the end of the evening he showed me that my chair reclined (which I hadn't guessed) and I had just decided to start drawing to distract myself. I probably had seemed kind of antisocial (since I wasn't piping in on the conversation much), and I bet Brian had been trying to put me at ease.

It had been a strange time at Anita's...I'd felt kind of proud to have an iphone, but at the same time, I was not really a part of their conversation, it was Chris who was doing all the showing. I don't like being in foreign environments, with strangers, and basically ignored. I wanted to go home, I shouldn't have come along at all, but should have just gone home after dinner. Maybe part of me had hoped that spending more time with Chris and Teresa would cheer me up, and make me again feel accepted and like I belong. They do that to me, and today, I needed that. Instead I felt further alienated and alone, which was partly my fault, partly situational. When it was finally time to go I was out the door pretty fast...but then realized we were taking those cats home in a huge ass carrier, and it would be Justin and I in the back seat again. My heart totally sank. I wanted to walk home, with how badly I felt. It had been squishy riding with Bri and the cats in the back, but at least it was Bri, who wouldn't smile at me sardonically, knowing I was uncomfortable. I asked if maybe I could have the cats on my lap, but Teresa said they wouldn't fit, and she seemed hurried to get the cats in the back. She was holding their carrier and I'm sure it was heavy in her hands. They would have fit on my lap, and then I wouldn't have been squished, but from the way Teresa was talking I knew that now was not a time to argue with her at all or it would just go on and on for no reason other than she was tired and irritable. And I would start crying and then it would be a real mess. So I didn't, and the cats went in the middle (after some fiddling because they didn't fit well, with Chris's long legs behind the steering wheel). I looked at the room left for me and said frankly that i was too fat to fit there, and we'd have to shove it over some. We did, and it still didn't look like much, but I decided to just go for it, and I'd be home soon. I went to sit down and Ellie had taken my seat, and when I gave her a little push she buckled down and acted as heavy as possible. I gave her a bigger push and she tumbled off the seat like I'd smacked her, as though she hadn't expected further resistance. She was totally fine, and it wasn't as though I had intended to cause her harm, or even like I'd shoved her hard AT ALL really, but Teresa snapped at me pretty fiercely. I appologized. I said Ellie had buckled down and Teresa said I could have just handed her the dog. Maybe I could have. But she said her poor dog had hit her head on the seat just then, and she made me feel like I'd abused the thing. I just shut up and looked out the window, squished as I was. I felt humiliated, miserable, and to tell them would not have solved anything.

When I got to the house I packed up my shit and started to head out right away. Chris asked me if I was ok, and I was honest...I said I wasn't, but I didn't want to cry here, and I didn't really want to explain. I think I said it wasn't anything important, I know I said I'd just gotten a little sad. I don't need them worrying about me. The whole situation, how I'd ended up as such an emotional mess, was acutely embarrassing for me. IS acutely embarrassing.

It was a really upsetting day. When we were out of Chris and Teresa's house there wasn't a moment where I felt comfortable and relaxed. And they can't get that. I don't get it either, really, but it has made me feel stupid and freakish. The last straw was Teresa snapping at me...when I felt my absolute worst, whether she knew it or not, and she made no attempt to understand.

I just don't like being me at times like this. I wish I were someone else, someone who didn't feel this way all the time. I'm tired of it. I just want to be like other people, and relax, and feel confident and comfortable. Some days I almost pull that off, like yesterday, and it makes me elated. But most of the time I'm like this.

I cried most of the way home, ashamed that I was so weak-willed and ridiculous. That spiraled into a "who would want to date someone like me?" feeling, which then bottomed out at a "I don't even want to BE me" feeling. And that's pretty much where I am right now.

I'm smart. I can make ok art. I can sing ok. I'm often funny, silly, entertaining. I'm not completely ugly. But this is the thing that gets in my way. This is what stops me from making new friends, from letting friends become girlfriends, or girlfriends becoming something even more. I can't get comfortable. I don't let them in. I don't really trust them to not recoil, so I recoil for them. That's it right there. I have no idea what to do about that, but that's where I'm at.

It doesn't help to know this. I've known this about myself for a few years now, but haven't made much progress. I think losing weight will help, which is why I'm working hard at it. Maybe if, when I look in the mirror, I like what I see a bit better I will like myself enough to trust others with liking me. I'm not there yet. Maybe I just need to forgive myself for this being a process, not something instantly fixable.

I do feel a bit better right now, after writing it all down. It still sounds so absurd to me. At least I'm done crying.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

- me

Is this why I don't have a girlfriend?

Recent IM conversation I had, thanks to that most excellent of social networking sites, OKcupid! I did not initiate this, so I don't appologize for how things went.

....................

CripsyTacos:have you named your iphone yet?

skeevy17:lol, actually no. Which to think of it is pretty surprising as i've named all my other electronics.

CripsyTacos:lol yeah. i was so in love with mine i named it isabelle

CripsyTacos:how long ago did you get it?

skeevy17:like two weeks ago I think? It feels like forever. We're very happy together. Made for eachother really. <3 <3 <3

CripsyTacos:lol yea i know that feeling i bedazzled mine. You must have a new version then. cheers to you!

skeevy17:BEDAZZLED? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

CripsyTacos:lol

CripsyTacos:yes, but i didnt get the right stones so now i have to take 'em off and restart. haha

CripsyTacos:Im not as motivated as I was when i started so now its just a mess

skeevy17:are you...are you a time traveller?

CripsyTacos:why?

skeevy17:YOU ARE! You must be!

CripsyTacos:y do you say that?

skeevy17:in your home-time can you still watch Nirvana videos on MTV?

skeevy17:And get real plastic toys in your cereal?

skeevy17:how many scrunchies do you own?!

CripsyTacos:haha no. im just into art. when you get a fashion major and super glue together it can be pretty fun.

skeevy17:idk. I think bedazzling an iphone might be like putting glitter on a diamond. Isn't it blindingly beautiful enough?

CripsyTacos:All the things you just listed do sound like fun to me. I did like kurt, srcunciies are fune, and i love cracker-jacks!

CripsyTacos:i just did it to the case

skeevy17:is that like "i smoked but didn't inhale"?

CripsyTacos:not the phone itself.

CripsyTacos:do you knoe that they make cases for iphone as not to damage the phone.that case is pink. the phone is silver.

CripsyTacos:know


skeevy17:do you know that tacocat is a palindrome?

skeevy17:I do like tacos an awful lot. Well, actually I don't like tacos at all. I like burritos best. I don't like how tacos get all soggy. It's terrible. So I prefer burritos because they don't give me any false expectations

(at this point she stopped responding to me)

......................

So I'm hoping to meet someone someday, who can tolerate me. (sigh) I can be kind of unbearable. But really, bedazzling an iphone?! And then asking me if I knew they made cases for them? Really?! And she totally lacked a sense of humor. She didn't play back at all. :( So the interwebs reach out, and then withdraw.

Girl of my dreams, if you're out there, you better stop wasting time. I'm looking for you, you could at least make the effort too!

(the prayer of St. Francis is old and beautiful. This version, for it IS a version of sorts, is derived from the musical setting done by Fiona Apple. When I write it THIS WAY, the song plays in my head. (: )




Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

Lord and I would ask of you, that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love

for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.


Even outside of a christian perspective, I believe one could see much of this as true...true in that it is right to seek to foster good things where it seems only painful, negative things are. Not that all the things listed are entirely negative...I would argue that doubt is as healthy and necessary as "faith," both in a spiritual sense and in a more general way. It shows an active, questioning mind to have doubts. It shows a person of conscience and curiosity. All good traits.

In general, though, I've lately been kind of ignoring my spirituality. My focus has been pretty narrow lately...I work hard. I do my best. I spend my free money on things for my dog, on sushi, on medications (apparently) and the application process for TSA. My free time is basically absorbed by interenetting, walks with my dog, playing with Chris and Teresa, and reading. A little tv, but not much. A little wow, but very very little indeed. I haven't supplied myself with much time for introspection...because by keeping busy I've been able to keep my mind mostly off any thoughts of self-pity or boohoos. Really, my health has been difficult lately, and whenever that goes then my mood gets pretty shitty on me. I caught the pig-sick at the beginning of October, and I only felt truly better after 2 1/2 weeks. My PCOS combined with a new birth control to give me a period that lasted a month and a half, so I recently chatted with an OB/GYN to get squared away with a new medication. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster, and I've been trying not to submit other people to it too much. Seriously, hormones. It's bad enough I have to deal with the random crying, angry outbursts, etc. So I've withdrawn some. I know I'll feel better once I finish this cycle and start the new meds.

I am exhausted by the TSA process. Earlier this week I realized how close my deadline is (Dec. 1st) and went to a few places and did some things to further the progress. I am only waiting on my primary care doctor to finish the rest of her paperwork and turn it into billings. I worry that after all the money, time and effort I've put into this process that they will simply reject me on the basis of my medical conditions. I would understand. I am not without my medical baggage. But I think I manage my conditions well. I am a hard worker. I am confident that I could do this job well, if only they would train and place me somewhere. Anywhere.

Despite keeping myself busy, my worried thoughts still sometimes turn to what I really want out of life. I just want to make art and sell it. That's all. Why am I not really doing that? Is it only fear? I am afraid of lots of things. But I am most afraid that at 30 I will still be working some job I don't care terribly about, no money to speak of in savings, no healthcare, and living with mom and dad. That is unacceptable. My current situation is pretty unacceptable too, but I try to keep my head high and look at the good things. I enjoy the company. I like the dogs. My room is comfortable and the meals are delicious. No rent. No utilities. Relative privacy.

But I am an adult. I'm 24. I want my own place, and I'm not too picky right now. The only way to do that is a better job...and the only one on the table is TSA. It might be Brussel sprouts, but it's still food...and maybe it'll be great once I'm in the thick of it.

Yesterday I was hired for a holiday position with Sears Portrait Studios at Washington Square Mall. I'm excited, and nervous, but mostly excited for the challenge of taking new pictures, new ways, and seeing a whole new age-group of smiles. God I love smiling, and having little kids smile back at me. It makes my life. It's what makes being a photographer one of the best jobs on the planet.

I've been writing a story about a werewolf that wants to be a book. It's writing itself in my head, and most of the time I spend driving, waiting in lines, etc is spent thinking about the plot and characters.

I'm trying to keep myself motivated and laughing at life. I feel balanced on the edge of a good long hermiting spell, but I'm trying to stay out of it. I get sad when I do that.

I hope that this "progress" in my life; with completing more TSA forms, with getting the new job, are all reality and not build up for an even bigger let down. I am trying to believe in myself.

I am trying.

- me

dreams for the night of Nov. 6th

Dream 1

I had been wandering a long time through the woods, and come upon this nice village. I thought the people were really charming, and they had a wonderful church that I started to attend. That one really enthusiastic televangelical preacher was the pastor, and I slowly came to realize that it wasn’t just a church, it was a cult where people were shunned if they didn’t attend, and kept strictly in line. Many feared for their lives or livelihoods’ if they didn’t do exactly as the pastor told them to. I grew furious, and rebellious. I stood up in the middle of the sermon and called out the preacher. He insisted that I could now no longer be part of their congregation and that I must leave the village. I remember shouting “fuck this shit!” and I said I wanted to go, that what they were doing was wrong. I tried to plead with many of the people as I left but they were too frightened to meet my eyes and the preacher was loudly preaching so that my words were drowned out. One little girl did speak to me, in earnest, but as she was too young to run away on her own I didn’t speak back to her, only smiled. If I had spoken to her it would have damned her in the eyes of the congregation. I gathered my things, and left, head held high and eager to see where the winds of fortune would take me. I felt really sad for the town, but that there wasn’t anything I could do for them and should just move on.

Dream 2

Sitting at a table alone, and my attention is at some point drawn behind me. There’s a guy sitting there, by himself, and he’s very handsome. He smiles kindly at me. Then he acts as though he has to go, because we’re the only two there, and he doesn’t want to intrude on my solitude. I assured him “oh no, please don’t go. You seem nice, and plus it doesn’t hurt that you’re so good looking.” He laughs at my candor and we settle in together and just chat. It’s nice to watch his face, but while I had my head down to get a forkful of food he begins to stutter on a word. Later he does it again, and he seems to be becoming increasingly nervous. I assure him that I don’t mind his stutter, that he can take as long as he needs to find his words. He is very embarrassed but he appreciates what I’ve said. We begin to talk about England, because that’s where he’s from. I say shyly that I am trying to save up so that I can go there, but that I only have 1000 dollars so far. He smiles at me, but not in a condescending way. Inside I berate myself for not being able to save more money than that at this point.
Suddenly someone in a different room is shouting the name Jeffery over and over again, as if they’re looking for someone. The guy I’ve been talking to looks like he wants to duck under the table, but I just laugh at him and go seek out the people calling his name. In a different, even fancier room a small personal table and chair have been set out, and a ridiculously extravagant meal laid out on it. To the left of the table is a manservant holding a red wine in his hands, to the right is a female waiter holding a main dish with its silver domed lid. Jeffery, the man I met, must be rich as all fuck! The help in the room look at me with sneering faces, and I go back to the room where Jeffery is, feeling contemplative.

Dream 3

In the depths of hell (which aren’t so bad, really, if you’re made of fire too). Many things happen but I can’t remember them. Mostly I remember that I have a viewing screen, and with it I can travel throughout hell. It has a button on it that lets me advance the screen one frame in whatever direction, and if you hold it down you move quickly, just like a movie, wherever you’d like to go. There is a creature in Hell that I am documenting, in a Wild Kingdom sort of way.

my plan for tomorrow:

wake up. Not as difficult as it usually is, I assume, as i am incomprehensibly tired RIGHT NOW and it's not even 2 am. You may say, "but that is quite late indeed." And oh, perhaps you are right. But you have not been living my voodoo twilight zone sleep schedule the last week or so, and 2 am seems like 10 pm to me! It's a relief. I think my sleep trouble has been aided and abetted by the forces of dust in my room...i lay down on my bed, and immediately STUFF UP. All up in my nose parts. Very unpleasant.

Following waking up (a very important step!) I plan to get up, clean myself, eat a small food item, and then clean my room. I want to clean my room...I look at it right now, and i think, "I can do better." Indeed, I CAN. I am 150% sure this will happen. SO, that then.

THEN buy mums for mom. (85% sure)

THEN purchase ingredients for...



...HOMEMADE BLACKBERRY OR CHERRY OR RASPBERRY ICECREAM.

now, climb aboard my train of thought here. I was visiting a lovely site I daily enjoy, The Pioneer Woman, and was instantly enamored with her blackberry ice cream. It doesn't help that she takes such luscious pictures. The ice cream just cried out to me in the language of ice cream, challenging me to master it, and then perhaps consume it. I am 65% I will make this happen. Why so low a percentage?

Weather.

It may be raining, and will at the least be drearily overcast. The last few days the weather has been icky warm. I'm not much one for the heat. At all. OH FIE! IF ONLY THIS ICE CREAM HAD CALLED TO ME EARLIER I COULD HAVE ENJOYED IT AND SCOFFED AT THE FURIOUS HOT SUN RAYS! But no. The ice cream has come to me now...and if it's just too cold and dreary, i might prefer a good blanket/book experience, or the company of my charcoals. But still...the ice cream. It has such a sweet siren song. And really, follow that link. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Here in the Ebacher house we have no fancy, machine-driven nonsense when it comes to our ice cream fabrications unit. All hand cranking. We WORK for our calories, and that's how we like it. Your arm is sore from all that cranking? You've been cranking for over an hour and a half now? Well good. Because your reward is nothing less than ice cream. Wouldn't electricity and laziness just take all the fun out of that? Don't argue with me. It would. So that's the workout I look forward to, if such plans come to fruition.

In other news I (with the assistance of my friend Brittany) cleaned the kitchen. Bleached the grout. Cleaned and organized glass, metal, tupperware and msc. cabinets. Tackled mountains of mugs. Scrubbed suspicious looking black spots. Rearranged kitchen magnets. Swept. Ultimately, I believe I was possessed by some deity of domestic order. It was hard work, but the satisfying result made my day.

Did I mention I baked blueberry muffins this morning, and made some seriously good oatmeal? I did that too.

IDK. I like this stuff.

- me

flock of dreams from night of 5/25

(female) I dreamt that I had some kind of control over solid matter, like telekenesis, only when I used my power and controlled the movement of a thing it would also make it briefly sentient, able to problem solve, and would become a kind of servant to me. I controlled a banister and made it bend in a different direction than it had been originally laying, and when I did it also wrapped itself around the midsection of a bad person to control them. I have no memory of the context – why I was on the staircase, why there were bad guys behind me, etc. However I remember that I did feel irritated and frustrated with life – like people didn’t appreciate me or my power and I was just leaving them al and better nobody get in my way.

(female) In another dream I was speaking with a girl from my sorority, she looked a bit like Kristin Wampach or Sierra Gale (popular girls in my middle and high schools) but as a member of her sorority she treated me as her equal. I came up with the idea of a fancy dress ball – period costumes only, (they would have to be tailor made for each individual guest, but we were embers of an elite sorority on an expensive college campus and that would not be an issue) and each guest would be encouraged to donate a sum of money to the sorority. We would have people who would maintain proper distance between guests, and classes beforehand to teach eager guests how to dance the dances that would be required. Sierra/Kristin seemed open to the idea, and we continued to debate it (and I continued to think about it). If I had a billion katrillion dollars I would wear beautiful, fancy, tailor made dresses everyday I think. For the novelty of it, and for vanity as well I’m sure. As we were preparing for the fancy dress party later we were moving a desk, and I was told that the kid from the Shining had left a small, patchwork square hanging from a metal pipe along the bottom of the desk. This patchwork square had been the real source of his finger-friend’s powers, his own powers, and he had always kept it in his fist when the finger guy was talking, or in his pocket. I didn’t want to look at the thing for fear I would then have his powers!

(male) In a separate dream I was in some form or another of “olden days,” and had been cared for by a strange, shy, balding thin man dressed in red at his inn by the wharf. I was explaining that I was a blood elf merman. He was explaining how such a thing seemed totally impossible to him, him being a man of science of some kind. I thanked him for his hospitality (I felt well and fit, although I had been unconscious when he had found me) and leapt into the water off the dock. When I surfaced I had a tail and fins on my arms, gills, and a sparkly red and black scaled pattern across the whole of my body. My former caretaker was flabbergasted and waved as I swam off. I dove down very deep and surfaced by a great cathedral (like notre dame) and then transformed back into my human form. I walked into the cathedral and transformed back after I leapt into their enormous baptismal font. This font is one of very few enterances into the hidden high-seat of the merpeople, of which I am a member of the court. Once I had descended to the very bottom of the aquifer another merperson, this one female, greeted me enthusiastically. I’d been away for some time, and was an important member of the court.

(male) In another dream I was driving a contraption that Chris had made, that was kind of like a dune buggy, but involved a laundry basket as the seat. I was chasing a woman who had a high speed flying machine that had no wings or obvious propulsion, it just looked like a long H, where she put her feet on one set of spokes and held on with her arms on the other. She fired a pistol directly at my head, and I took the shot, and my vehicle spun out. I had been going through some kind of transition into an insectoid/human hybrid, and so I came back to life and peeled off the outer layer of my face (the outer layer had turned black and the under layer was again, just normal looking human tissue). I told the angry bag girl that it felt good to get that layer off, it had made it difficult to breathe when I had it on. I laughed at her and we continued our pursuit. Throughout this dream I looked like the actor who played in Iron Man.

(female) I am Olivia Benson and Stable and I are on an investigation of a child-sized but not child-minded murderer. He has trapped us in a warehouse and planned our deaths, which for some reason we acquiesce to. I think the murderer threatened to kill our families if we didn’t kill ourselves. Stabler asks that instead of being drowned in a foamy mess (apparently this was our predestined fate) he be drowned in kerosene. We walked into a room and there were several bottles of foam (kind of like shaving foam!) shooting in arcs close together, maybe 10 or so. So I started my drowning, and got high in the process because the fumes of the foam were like that. Stabler pretended to go unconscious in the kerosene but he knew at a certain point that the murderer would stop watching and he would then help me to escape. So we did that, but I was still high (which is what he was trying to avoid – us BOTH being high would mean neither of us would be clearheaded enough to aid in escape) and we continued our pursuit of the bad guy!

Things influencing this dream:
I mentioned how much I think Olivia Benson is hot, just yesterday. I have been thinking about Victorian dresses and the Victorian era for the last couple days, and how much I would like a tailor-made dress. Blood Elves are in WOW. That's all I got.

last night's dream - reisistance to a totalitarian state! <3

Dream 5.4.09

I’m a young boy. The world I live in is strictly controlled by the government, and only a minority of the population is aware of their schemes and misdirection. Since I was born I had been a questioner, and people who question rarely live long, they’re supposed to be put in their place. But I was sheltered by my friend Madge, who was the same age as me, a short, ugly girl who was painfully intelligent. She protected me in all things. She believed I was destined for something very important. We had two other friends who were beautiful people that were allied with our cause, good for grunt work, but a little dim. The government did all it could to make you stupid.

At some point I finally got found out and captured. They sent me to a strange location in the middle of our capital city – they launched me away in a rocket! I was unconscious at the beginning of the launch but as I ascended I saw out the window that the whole city was built around this small, burnt impact crater that had since been used as our town square. I believe that aliens had taken control of our society. These “aliens” are from Earth’s dimension, and the world of this boy and Madge and all them is a different one.

Madge continued on as a leader of the resistance. The next time we see her she is at a meeting of resistors, speaking at a podium. She talks about how she is a business woman who in her spare time fixes clocks, and the government allows her to continue because she plays her part well. Someone asks about the boy (me) and she speaks gently and reverently of me. She believes I’ll return, that I’m destined to be the savior of this world, and to lead the resistance. Madge is clever and brave, but her health is weak – she is often hospitalized, and frequently is in a wheelchair. The head of the revolution must be physically strong as well as mentally and spiritually, so she attests. Soon he’ll return.

We (as the viewpoint is now omnipresent) follow home one of the resistance; she’s some kind of lemur I think (apparently talking, conscious animals are part of this dimension). He’s swinging through the trees and we see that there are some of his old friends who are trying to capture him, to turn him in. He swings and we see the faces and reaching arms of them. From tree to tree he flees. He is eventually captured, and as they’re discussing how best to kill him he overhears a conversation about the Boy. The King of this government (for it’s apparently a monarchy) is discussing how the Boy did survive his ordeal, but that he has landed somewhere that the King cannot reach. His assassins, who are Wolves, will not go where the boys is for “the woods there are much wilder” and they are afraid when they enter. I think the boy has landed in earth’s dimension, and that he is protected there, and is being primed to return to this one. The resistor-lemur who was captured feels elation and vindication, and resolves to escape so that he can relate this news.

That’s all I got.

Things influencing this dream: Last night I watched Finding Neverland again, so a young boy protagonist seems pretty natural. Madge reminded me some of the costume designer lady in The Incredibles (except for my dream wasn't animated - and I HAVE had dreams in animation). Parts of this dream remind me of a dream I had a long time ago about a whole world of talking animals with super abilities, so perhaps my subconscious isn't letting that one go and would like me to work it out as a proper story. I seem to dream more on nights where I fall asleep unhappy too; I was feeling lonely and disappointed in myself last night, and so I think my mind gives me dreams like this to distract me. The inside of the rocket reminds me of how I imagined the inside of the rocket on it's way to the mushroom planet in The Wonderful Flight to the Mushroom Planet (a book that Dom loves and owns). Madge being able to fix clocks makes me think of Sylar from Heroes, and I just told Chris and Teresa that I haven't watched all season. The Wolves looked like The Nothing from Neverending Story 2.

Dream 4/25/09

So I had some of the saddest dreams ever last night (4.25.09)

The dream that made the biggest impression on me: I started out in my parent’s house – but it’s not the same house as this one. Instead it has some wall to wall rugs, and is pretty damn charming. I wish I lived there, really. A bunch of relatives come to stay because someone (maybe Mara…lol, again) is getting married. Not me. And I’ve helped them clean in a massive, massive way so that the house is the best it’s ever been. Uncle Brian and Aunt Vicky are some of the relatives over to stay, and they brought with them a big orange mane coon, Who’s name is Aster or Caster or something like that. He greets the day by leaping on his hind legs for a while wherever he’s going. It’s adorable, but strange, and a little frightening because he’s unpredictable and could launch himself at you unexpectedly for pets…claws out. But Aster is leaping down the hallway toward me and then past me, the hallway with a long reddish rug all the way down it. It’s not a frightening hallway, not creepy and cavernous, there’s a ¾ wall that opens into the well-lit kitchen, which is getting all the morning sun.

I’m in the hallway (still?) later that afternoon, and clouds have moved in. I’m talking to someone who is a stranger to me, and there is an older woman too, who looks like Maude from the Golden Girls. The stranger is my age or a tiny bit older, female, very attractive to me and not in an unapproachable way. I feel shy around her. It’s at this point I realize we’re not really in 2009, but possibly in the 1800’s because we’re all in period dress. Maude is cooking something on the stove (onions?) in a big metal pot and the young woman is helping her. I’m shyly making conversation when it starts to rain. It looks like rain. The kitchen windows are wide open but it seems like we don’t have glass in those windows, the rain just comes in. But it’s not rain, it’s pellets of rock, hot rocks like from a volcano. They’re painful when they hit you, and so I duck behind on of the only places where the pellets can’t seem to reach. I’m kind of outside, but under an overhang, and just protected enough by the wall that the pellets can’t reach me. I call to the young stranger, but she looks at Maude, who seems to strongly disapprove of me. I am trying to assure her that I’m safe, that I’m alright, and the young woman seems to want to believe me, but the older woman’s obvious disapproval prevents her from joining me. I realize that young woman is the bride in this time period, suddenly, with a mix of shame and relief that I didn’t do anything to make an ass out of myself.

A second part to the dream, or possibly an entirely new dream: I’m at school, and we’re at something like a sock hop. The gym we're in reminds me of JDZ's gym. I’ve gone with what seem to be the only lesbian couple, but they’re not known that way because Tora, the butchy dyke of the couple, passes easily as a male and doesn’t bother to correct people when they misidentify her gender. Julia is blonde, of average height and slight build, and wears a beautiful dress. Tora wears clothes like a gangster, baggy pants, shirt with writing on it and a big logo on the front, but her face – even in the dream – reminds me strongly of Bre. I’m very attracted to Tora, but recognize that she’s happily settled with Julia. We’re all twenty-somethings, and yet we’re also in school together, apparently high school. Torah sings Julie a love song in between two dances. I feel happy for them, but sad that I have no one of my own.

Suddenly a rich punk lunges at me. He takes me by the hair and pushes me down, slapping my face, then my back as I turn away in fear. I get angry and I turn around and fight back. The whole time he’s saying things like “dirty faggot” etc, things to hurt me that only do in a distant way. I see his face twisted in stupid anger and yet joy at the violence he’s inflicting. (This scene reminds me of Jane Eyre, which I'm currently reading - the fight between Jane and John near the beginning of the book) A principal comes and seperates us – Rich guy get’s off scott free and I’m being told I’ll be suspended for this. I’m taken to the principal’s office.

In an attempt to explain myself, I say this:

“Sir, that guy, think what his life will be like? He’s rich, his family is. He’ll go to a good school and meet a beautiful wife and have beautiful children and have a beautiful, blessed life. And what will happen to me? I’m poor. I’m a lesbian which is why I keep getting in fights. I probably won’t find someone for me, I won’t marry. I probably won’t make it to my 30th birthday.” He listens to this, and says he’ll forgive my behavior today but not to get in any further trouble. But my own admission – that I’ll be alone and die that way, still young – haunts me and I wake with the saddest feeling ever in my gut. I never guess that any part of my subconscious felt so damn self-pitying about the whole gay thing.

As I woke, I had a final dream, and it was so brief yet it made an impression. There are two knights on a desolate battlefield, armed with swords and shields. One is black and one is dark green, but they look nearly the same in the moonlight. They are fighting bitterly, and I realize they’ve been fighting this way forever, since time began. The black knight slays the green (or is it the other way around? There’s no way to tell yet I want to know, as though it matters) and he falls on the ground. He lies very still, and the metal of his armor erodes away to dust. From that dust emerges a knight exactly the same as the one who died, but his armor shines more in the light. He takes up the fight again.

Strange dreams. Night of 4/25/09

Things that influenced these dreams: the actress who played Maude on Golden Girls died yesterday. Reading Jane Eyre, which is all from the point of view of a clever, but bitter protagonist that is continually victimized (so far, I'm only half done!), and that was kind of the theme of the dreams, excluding the final vignette. As I was waking I must have briefly glanced at my bookshelf; box set for Narnia has a picture of a knight in black and a boy in blue/green fighting with swords and I carried that back to my mini-dream. Also last night Brittany and I were talking about the liklihood of me being a victim of a senseless hate-crime, and I argued that I'm less likely to be targeted than a black man, because at least I'm not obviously gay ALL the time, wheras he's always obviously black. But just thinking about getting attacked for being gay must have disturbed me enough for it to leek into my dreams.

When I woke I felt very very sad, but I've been working on cheering myself up. Really, it's silly for me to feel bad about my lot, and who says I'll never meet the right girl? I might. And I have family and friends, they wouldn't let me die out in the cold, and even if I DID end up single the rest of my life...I have those same family and friends, it's not as though there isn't warmth or joy in my life as I am.

<3 Maddie

Hang On, Little Tomato

There's so much to write about. I often get overwhelmed when I'm about to start a journal entry...I think about those who read my journal (mostly family, and a friend or two) and what they may or may not care to hear about. What it might be uncomfortable for others to read. It's always difficult for me to refrain from censoring myself too heavily. But journals are supposed to be for me, for my benefit, right? I feel divided on the issue. Because of this, I'm going to brush past some things, and you (dear reader) will probably notice the absence. Know that I'm privately journalling my feelings elsewhere (in an actual paper journal - how retro of me, I know!) and that I don't omit treating these issues online because I don't care...just that some laundry doesn't need to be aired in public, I guess.

So what AM I willing to share? Well, I'm in-between relationships. That is the kindest way to put it. I met a girl named Brittany, who is beautiful and interesting and kind, but not right for me right now for many reasons. Reasons that I am allowing to prevent me from dating her, but not prevent me from being friends. She's not out. She's too young for me (but of legal age, let's make that clear, lol). Other reasons too, but those are the main ones. Our friendship is a careful one on my part. We like eachother, and it seems she likes me enough that she's willing to put up with my limitations...no kissing, no non-friend contact, but getting to know eachother and be friends in a proper sense instead of just strangers that the internet magically connected. We communicate a lot, and that really helps us stay honest about how we feel about that. I've told her I won't hold her down...that she has no obligation to me, but she seems pretty sold on getting to know me and is very stubborn for her cause. And it's good, so far, and maybe especially tonight. We saw a movie together, and we were close, but it was relaxed and fun and freeing in a way I can't pin down.

Some friends drift away, and others are coming close again. Bre and I are in better phone contact and actually SAW one another face to face just last week. She's still very important to me, and I'm glad we're getting more involved in eachother's lives again. We talked tonight about life and the choices we make in living it, about relationships (our own and others), about our hangups and kinks. It's always good to hear her voice. I smile so big when I see her name on my phone.

Dani and I are about the same, and though it makes me sad to see so little of her (once a month or so), I understand how school can consume you. The same with my Stinna. Chris and Teresa are as close to me as ever and I count them as dear and trusted friends. Roni and I have recently been texting eachother more, and it's surprising and delightful to know that we've actually started to become true friends. Isn't the internet wonderful? I wouldn't have met her without its help. However, it's basically the only way that I stay in any semblance of contact with Dezi, Steve, Caitlin and Matt. They are all slowly drifting away from me, on their own paths, and although this makes me sad sometimes I also understand. Some people's paths run beside yours for longer periods of time than others. That's ok.

(sigh) I do have so much more to say, in way other veins. This post has been all about relationships, but I've overlooked more basic things...my apple seedlings are doing well in the yard - they overwintered beautifully and are full of leaves. I don't know how to protect them from insects, or how to fertilize them, but hopefully my brother and the internet will help. I still hope to bonzai one of them. I'm still employed with lifetouch, and though the hours are pretty poor (18 this week, ouch) I love what I do and it's enough to make my bills. I bought a new laptop for myself. Macbook Pro 17"...beautiful. Perfect. I love it far more than should, it being a mere piece of technology and all. Also I've fully fallen off the wagon as far as the gym goes, but it becons.

As far as my health goes, it's alright. I've gotten twitchy twitchy legs that bug me most nights. I'm seeing the doctor next week to talk about it. My morning headaches are still an issue, but I bought new pillows tonight to see if that doesn't help. Here's hoping it does.

That's all I'm offering tonight - exhausted, but very content (although twitchy, grumble grumble) I'm off to try and sleep. I love you.

- ME

A Month and A Few Days Later

I'm laying in my filthy pigsty of a room, with my tiny dog asleep on the blankets beside me. Her cuteness cannot be exceeded. I'm happy in my warm room. I'm happy to have my tiny dog with me.

I had a pretty good day. I woke up initially with a headache...something that's happened a couple times this week. My dreams have been...disconcerting, which can't help the morning headaches. But from the moment I opened my eyes I could see the sun in my window and hear the birds making their morning racket and it was clearly going to be a good day. Better than the rest, this week.

I cleaned the kitchen and family room, listening to my music at blaring volume and singing along. Oh it was good. Then I took Bean and Baccio to the park which they LOVED. We played and socialized with people and dogs for two hours. Left just as the sun was starting to think about setting.

The cold is creeping in my open window now, sky dark with twilight. Looking around...I know how I'm spending the rest of my night. This room will be put to rights!

Yesterday I went on a hike/walk into the woods on the other side of the hill. Not all of the hill is developed yet, and there is a wandering thing in me that needs to go down barely marked trails behind new developments leading who knows where. Turns out the answer to the where was next to Church of the Nazarene at the bottom of the hill. I was surprised, but pleased to know where I was in the end, so the hike back up wasn't too difficult. Hiking in the woods was such fun especially with Bean walking along with me, getting her pretty coat covered in mud, and just as happy anyway. She's a good hiking dog - sticks to the trail, stays close but not underfoot (too much). I took a few pictures that I'll put up later tonight...after my room is where I want it to be.

I feel happy and hopeful for the first time this week. The economy and my very own money situation has been getting me down...but neither of those situations will be improved by a sour disposition I guess. If I look at things with a bit more of a Buddhist eye toward my wants and desires, this recession won't feel quiet as painful for me at least. My needs will be met...others aren't as lucky I know.

So that's just a LITTLE update, afterall. Still single, but today it doesn't hurt too bad. I'm working again with Lifetouch and am bummed that I'll have to get an additional part-time job to supplement the income from that. Less hours than I thought I'd get. I hope I can manage to get a second job, alot of people don't even have ONE. I don't feel too picky though, as long as it's not something that violates my morals (ie, NO MC DONALDS, lol). I play a lot at Chris and Teresa's house, and on WOW. Those are probably my primary forms of entertainment other than TV. I'm still keeping up my activity level, still losing weight and keeping track of it. Next gym day is Monday! <3

That's about it. Today's been a good day.

- me

Turns out there is no lighter note to this one. Suck.

...so I rather wish I could undo that last post. I COULD delete it...but then, others have read it, and it wouldn't really be authentic to the reality of my life experience. I mean, it's not like I can just delete memories or that date. Although I'd rather like to.

I did go on a date with her. Well, not even a date. An impromptu, rip it off like a bandaid meeting at Sharies. And it went...awry. Not like I puked on her or she was some kind of psycho. She's nice enough. But it turns out I'm an awkward, strange girl and that got really magnified when I met her. I think she brings out the awkward and strange in me. And although that works with some of my friends (god knows why) I don't think she liked the awkward and strange me. So it was just...like that. Those two adjectives. And also painfully so. It was pretty clear within a few minutes of meeting her that that was how it was gonna be. She kind of made me feel like a platypus...you know how the first biologists who ever saw it would have thought. Why is she like this? You can't really be like this? Not that she said these things but I got that feeling.

So yes. I've moved on...more or less. It dented my self-esteem, yeah. Not too bad. If a beautiful woman asked me to go have some coffee I wouldn't turn her down but I would sure be shaking in my boots. I really would like to meet someone who peaks my interest that much...but who can handle me. I know I'm kind of a special kind of person, and it takes a special kind of person to appreciate me, that's all.

I've been thinking about my taste in movies. I'm not super well read, and I'm missing many of the classics from my movie repetoire, but I've started to notice that my taste doesn't really run mainstream. Who's surprised there. Movies I truely love and are under appreciated: Perfume, Quills, Grave of the Fireflies, Hedwig and the Angry Inch (obviously a genre unto itself, and not underappreciated in a cult sort of way, just in a mainstream sort of way), Hard Candy (properly acclaimed by Sundance, but shunned by the public because of it's gritty subject matter. Boo on you public), and lastly and hesitantly added, Brazil. Brazil is a very special addition because it's known pretty widely in film circles (so I've heard, being as I don't belong to any elite, film-loving crust of society) as one of the best movies made. Ever. But included, none the less, because no one other than snobs has even heard of it so far as I can tell. Now the common thread present in all these films is that they make you think...and probably also make your insides want to turn inside out with how bad you feel near the end. I don't know what it says about me that I love movies that make me feel so much pain for the characters. The characters in all of these are painfully real, conflicted, and (in all but Grave of the Fireflies) probably more than a little bit insane. Obviously I like and relate to crazy people, I've known that for some time. But these movies are...well, dark. My love of these movies has forced me to recognize that there is a part of me that is profoundly dark and morbid, and that I'm alright with it being there.

I'd also like to say that if I'd seen more work that Joaquin Phoenix acted in (which now I feel compelled to do!) there'd me more movies on this list that includes him, because he's BRILLIANT in Quills. I kind of fell in love with him, and me being gay, that's a feat. Just to say but it doesn't hurt that he's in love with Kate Winslet in that movie either, and that because of him I got to see some boobies. Thanks, Joaquin, for being a sport. But truely, his acting was pretty damn masterful and caught a kind of James Dean edge to his angst without being cloying or forced. Anything but. He has a very mobile face, his expression reads very clearly, his eyes too are amazingly expressive. I was watching, and thinking that if I were able to remake Twilight and cast my own people (with a more careful script too) he would make a ridiculously awesome Edward...except for him being a few years too old for the role - but in this scenario I have a time machine also and can force him to take the role when he himself is in his late teens. Yes.

About Twilight - I really honestly didn't mean to fall so hard for the books. I'm not fifteen anymore. I can recognize emotional manipulation, an author feeding off the ridculous romantic roleplaying that most teens happily engage in, lacking of course in actual intellegent, compassionate partners. But lets face it - my own relationship experiences have been painful at best. The greatest loves I've endured have been not only without reciprocation but mostly without expression. That kind of pathetic pining is a chief component of these books. No really. I don't mean to get down on myself about that or anything, I'm sure I'll meet the right girl someday and I'll be able to burn the Twilight books in a great big bonfire. That'd be ok. But what's a fandom without fangirls drooling over what's-his-face? I'm not, understandibly, drooling over any guy, but I do kind of drool over the idea of being so ridiculously in love with someone and have that sparkly sort of relationship. And come on, vampires. I love vampires. It's all Buffy's fault, then Anne Rice a close second. I know it's juvenile of me to obsess like I've been, but anytime I'm reminded in some way of how those books make me feel, I just want to go reread and be immersed in their sparkly, sparkly love all over again. Like when I first read Mercedes Lackey's series: Magic's Pawn, Magic's Promise, Magic's Price. It's the tragedy and inevitability of forbidden love. And then they all die (they always do! In all my favorite movies and books and everything!). It makes my heart feel like it's going to explode and implode at the same time. I'm such a sucker.

So there's all that. I never really come to conclusions about myself...what I am, who I am. I just am, as far as I can tell. I don't get this "figuring out who you are" business that so many people seem to indulge in. "Self" seems like a fluid, ever evolving thing to me...well, there are bits that seem pretty constant, but the majority that makes up my "self" seems to be just whims and experiences and current obsessions. I don't dare pin down parts and say "that's it! That's me!" because next week that probably won't be quite so true. And that's alright with me. The essential bits are obvious enough to me, and I'm still pretty often surprised by what I end up liking and disliking. I never thought I'd like that photo job and holy shit I sure do. A lot. Like I could probably do it for quite a few years and not get sick of it and it'd still rock my world. It's not even art and I like it. That's neat.

Other than the above thoughts that have been cycling through my head, I've bought NEARLY all my Christmas presents. Stinna still doesn't have one. Mara doesn't have a b-day gift yet. But every major holiday and b-day up and coming in my life is covered. I feel great about that...I wrapped a bunch today and I am just about the best damn present wrapper on that planet. I felt like taking pictures I was so proud of them. Seems a shame it's just paper that will probably be ripped apart without much thought, but that's the whole reason it's got to be done with care...just like gift giving...you don't do it to bring attention to yourself, you to it so they can enjoy it. And if enjoy means destroying what you worked to make, that's what it takes then and you don't feel sad about it a bit. :)

Starting to feel more like Christmas. Not working at Santa's helps. Of course, Christmas makes me feel the most lonely out of all the year (other than my birthday, that can feel pretty fucking lonely too without a pile of friends to make it better). Everyone has someone for Christmas, it seems especially this Christmas. Both my sisters have their life-partners (phrased that way because Miesha and Chris aren't married...yet). Dom's got Kelsie. Dani and Stinna and Teresa all have met the loves of their respective lives. Other than Bre I'm my only single friend, and she's way the fuck out in nowhere's-ville,and consummately a bad match for me (learned, of course, from experience). All I'm saying is, I'll probably be fighting off a bad case of jealous, bitter, miserable single-girl for the next month or so. I've already started feeling it. I don't know what to do to fend it off...I just try to ignore it, just recognize it's there and refuse to let it ruin my life. Yeah, woe is me right? lolz. I don't even know if I WANT to date right now...mostly I don't believe I'll meet someone who really gets me and figures I'm a risk worth taking. This is gonna sound really pathetic, but I don't have much of a faith in anything right now, least of all my ability to attract good and/or good for me people into my life.

Ok, that was kind of a pity-fest. It's late, and I'm all hormoney, and I have an art piece stuck in me that's making me pretty irritable, so I'm not at all concerned that I'll feel this sorry for myself in the morning after some good sleep. But for the moment, I'm glad I'm exhausted, cause thinking about myself is goddamn depressing.

- me

ok so...

I met a girl online today.

I know that online dating is lame. I know it on a level, just like I know that star trek is lame and anime has a great potential to be or to make one lame. But I also feel that the internet can have one of two effects on a person...it either makes you ridiculously, confession-style honest, or you lie a lot because you can. Because this is me, I do the honest thing. I'm like that in real life too, but online I'm even worse. So I end up (maybe that's past tense! Ohhh that'd be nice!) hoping I'll attract a like minded, honest person. Someone who doesn't see the point in lying when there's such a huge gap in space, sometimes in time, between this computer and the one under the hands of whoever's on the other line.

And so I got this message today, and it was intruiging. It was very polite, but genuinely interested, and she sounded...like if I totally ignored her she was prepared for that and that'd be ok, but she would much prefer I contact her. So I went to her page and omg. I could not build a person I would be more interested in I think. That sounds ridiculous but it's true. And it doesn't hurt that she's REALLY beautiful, I mean truly and way out of my league. Like if Angeline Jolie didn't look so plastic and had some of her genes mixed with that beautiful black woman on Fringe and a bit of the actress from resident evil. I was so completely sold on her from reading her bio and all her answers to the standard "getting to know you" questions on there, but then I saw her pictures and felt this cold pit of dread well up in me because she is SO pretty. I had to go back and reread her message where she said she thought I was interesting. It didn't seem possible. I hope my one picture of myself on the site didn't mislead her. And then I noticed she was online! So I messaged her, because I decided what the hell, better attempted than not.

We spent like...3 hours talking online. It was mostly my fault...I appologized for drilling her but she really didn't seem to mind my curiosity and interest. She gave me her number. I'm thinking this thing that just started today could be a really good thing. I'm hoping it's true.

See, I've been reading the Twilight books. They're bad. I mean, they're fantastic because they make my heart beat like a drum and I cry and I hug the book and laugh at it and love the characters. They're bad in that when I finish them, any of them, I can't get out of that romantic funk. The one where I remember that I'm single and have no one to cuddle or tease or kiss. And then I get kind of mopey for a while until I snap out of it. So when this girl messaged me, I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it if she ended up just blowing me off halfway through the conversation...because from the little I know of her so far, I do really like her, and I didn't want to project all my desire for a big sappy romance onto her unnecessarily. I still don't. Way too early for that. WAY. I know that. But part of me really can't help hoping I get the chance.

So, thank you okcupid! You're not worthless afterall! I've met people through okcupid before, but I've never been quite so...well, I've said all that already. But I'm excited! Like really hopeful and a bit wary but pretty damn excited!

I hate to psych myself out. I would hate to invest too much emotional energy into this and just have it deflate suddenly in front of my eyes. But I'm a wildly emotional person, it's true. And my emotions are all hoping and dreaming and going in girly, gooey little love-struck circles. And that's just fine.

I get this nervous flutter in my chest at the thought of hearing her voice. I wonder what it'll sound like. And if I'll be disappointing in person. My self-esteem in my own appearance is pretty crap these days, but knowing that I AM losing weight and having my new haircut helps. But still, I know I'm not as pretty as I could be and that bothers me. It would really hurt for us to meet and for her to be not attracted to me at all. That would so suck. I know I'm not without my charms though, so if my appearance doesn't impress I'll be damned if I let her walk away without putting in a good effort of winning her over.

This reminds me of when I first met Liz...how I was full of questions for her, baffled by her apparent interest in me, suprised by the feeling that we'd always known eachother and that I could just relax and be my weird, ridiculous self. It's just like that in some ways, but also I feel like I'll get to dig some of her out of herself and that will be fun. I'm currently resisting going back and looking at her profile again. I will not be weird and creepy and stalkerish to this girl that I really don't know at all. I won't. I'm going to control myself and let things progress at their own rate, and play out as they will.

I feel like I'll surprise her a lot and that'll be fun too. This all from just a few hours of conversation, mind you (you mysterious you, you!) and who knows how wrong I might be even just tomorrow.

But for tonight I'm [see above for multiple descriptions]! Mysterious you, hope with me! I'd love someone to love, and to love me too!

<3 Maddie

New Holiday - Obama Day!

I post to celebrate the president elect, Obama, and to wave a (not so) sad farewell to that bastion of the old brigade, McCain.

Adieu, dear John...I shan't miss your lumpy, melty face, your watery eyes, or your frightening political promises, but I will certainly miss your role as dramatic foil to my bff Barak.

I've been afraid for America and sick of the political morass we've been stuck in since highschool. It didn't matter how often I voted, or how often I voiced concerns...Bush still became president and then he was reelected. I watched and listened as gay rights slipped and were undermined by countless bigoted policies. Shocked by the aggression and apparent idiocy of the president, I began to gave up hope in my country. How could the majority of the country have elected this man? The fear-mongering was understandably persuasive, especially following the attacks of 9-11. We needed to trust in someone...but I think we firmly ended up backing a bully. Bush was a good-old boy...I suppose people empathized with him, saw something of the guy down the street in him. The guy down the street who swore, and drank, and had all that trash on his front yard and brought down property values. And threw his garbage over the fence.

But as the primaries began and I began to research the candidates, I fell in love with Obama. I could only love him more if he were female. His policies. His charm. His candor and presidential demenor (even from the getgo) impressed me. I didn't know if he would be able to maintain that cool throughout the inevitably lengthy race to the white house, but I hoped; in part, because he hoped. And when he won the primaries, I did everything I could to not sink all of my hopes into his. I wanted him to win so badly. I began to look at living overseas, in part because I like the idea overall, but also in part to provide an escape route if McBush won.

Two days ago I had a dream that McCain won. It haunted me. I just want so much more from America.

And then, tonight. Tonight, when Obama won. He won. I'm still in shock. The first African-American president. A democrat to overturn the policies of Bush. A first family with two adorable little girls, and Michelle Obama, a force unto herself. It's so awesome.

Now I'm cautious, only in that it seems so good it can't be true. I hope he's got some awesome secret service agents watching everything, protecting him at every turn. Because charismatic leaders in this country have a very poor track record. Lincoln. MLK. JFK. Yeah, you see the common thread there. So I pray for Obama and for his safety - I want him to be able to live his dream, to make so many Americans' dreams a reality.

I don't know if he will keep his promises. I hope he does. I hope he turns out to be the person he appears he could be. And if he isn't...well, nothing can be as bad as Bush was. And that's a bit of sunshine to light my day.

-me

a quick update on life.

Alright, I know it's like...SOOOOO late, but I'm so behind on posting about my life that I decided (executive decision style) that I need to at least say something about what's been going on!

So I have my puppy, Bean. We've covered that she's a HUGE part of my life - her potty training is going well, she's on her second week of recovery from her spay and her incision and stitches look just great. She's a puppy so she has so much energy it's amazing. All that energy is totally wasted right now though, as i don't dare take her on walks or let her play with the big dogs as long as she has her stitches in! She's a low rider, you know, and could easily rub her belly on something while say, jumping up a curb, and rub her incision or even pull her stitches. So I play with her a bit in the grass each time we go out, and for now that's ok. She's a lub.

For the last two weeks I've been house sitting/cat sitting/dog sitting for Teresa and her mom. A little extra money, but mostly it was so that I could love somewhere else for a while and just get the feel of apartment life. It's a really really really good feel. Sure makes me want one of my own! Chris, Teresa's beau, told me he has a friend looking for a roommate, and rent wouldn't be over 300. Vancouver proper. It sounds too good to be true and that maybe...but I'm willing to take the chance at least to meet him and get a sense of the situation.

Also I got hired. FOR SERIOUS! I'm working with Lifetouch, the school photo company. I'm a photographer. Yeah, it's actually a lot of fun. I thought it would be kind of like santa photos...just kind of poke a button, let the machine do it's thing, get yelled at by parents and kids etc. But it's a lot more hands on with the photography, and you get to actually pose the kids more and interact more. It's fantastic! And yeah, high paced and difficult kids and parents even sometimes, but I like an element of challenge to my work. My coworkers are, on the whole, amazing but no real potential "friends" as far as I've met so far. I'm really choosey about that afterall, and shy. Maybe more shy than choosey. I think I'd rather confide my whole life story to a stranger than let them see my bedroom or have a meal with me. People are so unpredictable, afterall.

Tomorrow I go in for a meeting for work, which I'm not looking forward to. Beaverton. Rush hour on the way back, without a doubt. But also submitting paperwork, and next week another paycheck...which will be good news of course. Any money is good money.

So for a while I wanted a Wii. Now I only a tiny bit do. Because...want is the root of pain, isn't it? Do I know nothing of Hinduism? Buddhism? Taoism? And even Christ asks us to consider the lilies of the field, the creatures of the air, etc. It would put me back financially, when I need to be saving for moving out and funding my dreams. I'm a squirrel in the fall, storing nuts everywhere to feed me through the winter. I don't need to piddle it away on toys. And I'm not great at the self-control thing or being responsible so that's a pretty big thing for me to recognize I think. Semi-mature of me.

I better go to sleep so I'm not wiped tomorrow at the meeting.

I'm really looking forward to Sunday...I'm going to see what the Protestants up the street are up to, and see if it doesn't feel the little hole in my heart that's been there since leaving Minnesota and coming to this religious desert! I know there is a place for me.

Artistically, I'm about to start a piece for miesha...a giant ear in charcoal. Technical drawing!!! OOoooh! THere's a huge and awesome challenge! I'm so looking forward to that too.

My health has been alright. Yesterday there was a fuzzy brain migraine and I've got this little cold clinging to me. But my PCOS and my IC are doing alright with only occasional flare ups of the IC if I don't drink enough water or cheat with the caffeine. Then I deserve it of course.

Overall...I'm really happy with life right now. Sunny spot! I'm glad for that. I have some friends going through some dark times and I'm glad I can be light for them!!

That's about it, night night!

- me

My Little Beanie-Weenie!

So my life has been, since Monday, primarily occupied with the training and entertainment of my new longhair dachshund puppy, Bean. I love her to little pieces of pieces, even though she can be a perfect terror sometimes. <3 To read daily updates on our struggles and successes and general gab on my ideas behind dog training, visit Bean's blog at http://doxiebean.blogspot.com/ . I'm going to talk about NON-Bean related things in THIS blog, so as not to sound like a total mushball insane dog person, but trust me, it's all a show.

So I went to Miesha's place Thu-Sun, and it was an absolutely AWESOME time. We played, shopped (welllll, grocery shopped) ate delicious food, and saw one HELL of an awesome concert! Now that I look back, I can't believe I got to see Eddie Izzard. He's really like, the ONLY celebrity I "follow" in any way - like I know some of his history and I've heard all his routines and noticed his appearance in movies and tv and such. We (Miesha and I) agree it was hardly his best show, but even Eddie's worst routine would be better than LOTS of comics' best, so it was still lovely and a good time was had by all. Miesha and I had some good talks, which were mostly (and unfortunately) about me, and about religion and my current struggles with it. I excuse myself a little since I was having SUPER CRAZY HORMONE days, like crying at ridiculous things and getting irritated or angry for no good reason. Stupid hormones. PMS is the pits! But still...it's nice to process yourself outloud sometimes, and Miesha was nice enough to let me. Love you sister. I don't talk much about my feelings on this subject because I feel mostly prickly and conflicted and don't much like to talk to people who are...well, less conflicted. But it was good food for thought anyway.

On the way home we stopped by Dom and Kelsie's and I got to meet a baby related to pigpigpigpigpigpig and pigpig herself! The rule is you can attatch as many "pigs" onto her name as you feel like at the time, you see. Well pigpigpig is SOOOOO full of little babies! She looks like she has two fur covered barrels strapped to her sides. I was informed by mom that I'm not allowed to have one, and since I have Bean now it wouldn't be fair to a baby guinea pig since I give so much attention to my dog and the guinea pig wouldn't get played with enough/much. But still...it'd be adorible! I also got to see his ridiculously flourishing flora fruit and vegetable plants and his chickens. Chickens with feathers on their feet, that do not yet lay eggs. Right now, all they do is eat, poop, sleep and make noise. Like a baby, but without the cuddling and with more feathers. AND they gave me PRESENTS! It was like the birthday that wouldn't end! A ridiculous amount of wonderful presents which made me feel sheepish and wonder what I did to deserve presents of that amount. I guess they like me. lol.

I could see myself living ala Dom and Kelsie. Really. Off on my own in a wooded place. I'd want the house already there, but I'd love to keep my own garden, and I'd have lots of roses that the deer would probably come out of the woods to munch on in the thoughtful manner that deer prefer when destroying carefully tended flora. And maybe a kiln out back. I'd have a studio with a wheel, and a big easel and a light box and a desk for crafting with wire and paper and such. And my kitchen would be my own and I would know everything in every cupboard, and it would be filled only with food I liked, and I could eat as much or as little of any item as I wanted. I would wake up on a clear, cold morning and wrap up in a shawl and take a hot cup of tea to the front porch and just sit on the steps with my dog and watch the sun move and the birds fly and the time pass.

I've always seen myself living alone. Sometimes I think that's lonely, but most of the time, and now included, I just think it's ideal. To live all on my own, I can have all my eccentricities without critique, and I have no one to ask permission from and no one to apologize to. I can just be. When you're with other people, how do you just "be"? I, at least, am always focused on the needs and concerns of the other person or people. I try to help myself "not care" what other people feel or think about me, but until I'm away from people I always feel an under-current of stress, a certain degree of tension in everything I do and say and think about. I don't think of myself as high-strung really. As soon as I get away and on my own it's all so much better and I'm just content. Alone is where I learn, and where I make art, and where I sing, and where I am happiest. It seems to me that people think that those who choose to live alone and away from others are weird and maybe dangerous. Well, for weird, I fit the bill. But I am extremely not dangerous, lol. And of course I'd go to the town and spend cash once a week or so with groceries and some socializing. I wouldn't be completely cut off, I do like interacting with people...just not all the time. Not even the majority of the time. And well, I think that's ok. As long as I do good in the world and make some kind of difference, I think I'll be alright.

And...that's enough thought for now, it is SO bed time.

<3 me.

I'M GETTING MY OWN DOG!!!

So today was my parents 31st wedding aniversary. That doesn't sound like it's connected to the title, but it is. So I made delicious lemon bars and helped set the table and make dinner. As we were sitting around at the end of the meal, Mara told us about this strange dream she had (I'm sure she'll relate it if you ask her) and then I mentioned (pout pout) how I seriously dream about having my own puppy or kitty every night. And I do. And dad said "now don't get all excited...etc etc...but I know someone with a dachshund who is looking for a new owner!" and I said "of course I say yes. I want my dog. That sounds like my dog - girl, small, cute! Meets my dog standards! But I was outvoted on this before since it's not my house." And mom and dad must have had a small conversation then, and they agreed to let me have my dog! They're going to pay for her, (my birthday gift! whee! Happy birthday to me!) and Mara is going to help me buy toys and bed and food for her! YAY!!!!

SO then Dad called the breeder/owner up (her name is Carol) and arranged for us to go up to her house right then and see the little girl. Her name is Annie right now, but I intend to rename her Bean - she's young enough to take to a new name pretty readily. My little Bean! Yay! She's a chocolate dapple longhair dachshund, and will never get above 10 lbs. Travel sized! We visited with Carol and Bean and her dachshund compadres, and Carol decided she unreservedly thought I would be a great owner for her little baby. Oh I'm so excited!

She looks A LOT like this, because this is her mommy!:


So that happens on Monday!

Tomorrow I go to a job interview with a photography company, which I look forward to. It's in the morning. I just don't know what to do with myself until I get my dog. Thankfully on Thursday or Friday I'll be going up to Bellingham and I'll have Miesha and my fam to distract me starting then. But honestly. OMG. I'm going to have my dog!


I'M GOING TO HAVE MY DOG AND LIFE IS GOING TO BE MORE AWESOME THAN EVER I'M SO EXCITED AHHHH!!!!


<3 me

The great camping trip 08! (1)

Pictures from the great camping trip 08! (2)

I'm sick of trying to make these pictures flow in the way I want...so I'm just gonna spit em out here. Enjoy.

One great hike...

It's been a long time since I posted....so now you get lots of pictures. This post will focus on the highlights of a hike dad and I took up Cape Horn. The above picture is of some nearly spent larkspar - it was blooming all over the place on our way up!





















it was gorgeous. I huffed and puffed the whole way. The final pics are my two favorites:

The Great Ebacher Quilt

So I've been meaning to blog about this the last couple of days, but Mara and Pat have kept me busy having fun with them.

I was doing my thing, running around the internet a week or two ago, learning things. First I learned a bit about bonsai. I think it's AWESOME and would love to collect my own from the wild and/or train one of my apple seedlings to be a bonsai, possibly cascading as that style really strikes me. Learned a bunch about it. Then I went to etsy, one of my favorite web places. Art coming out of their ears, over there. Although I'm yet to buy anything it inspires me endlessly, and I got to looking at quilts. Then the idea struck.

How about I sew a quilt? No really. A big quilt, for a queen or king sized bed. And being that I get ambitious with art in this fashion, why not have it be all about the fam? So here's how it goes. Later, perhaps, I'll post a nice little diagram to better visually represent this.

Around the perimeter each person gets one big square (1 ft x 1 ft) with just their name and some embroidery. Next to it (either beside or below) this same person has a large that is broken up into nine 4x4 inch blocks, each of these depicting visually an aspect of their personality or personal experience that they feel defines who they are and that they would like to use to represent themselves. So for example, I'll have a block with a little panda for china, as that study abroad experience broadened and deepened me and opened me up to the world in a way. Miesha wants to have ABC as one of her blocks to represent her love of language and pursuit of speech pathology. These small blocks will be done with individual applique and then pieced all together. There will be two additional blocks to represent interests that are common to the whole family - like the names of our foreign exchange students, owned pets, and direct inlaws. That's all on the outside. On the inside will be the Ebacher crest (yes we have a crest). I'm thinking the main colors I'll use for background will be red and cream, because black shows up nicely on both and I'd like to do most of the stitching with white and black threads.

Now I know what you're about to say. I'm insane. I know that. This is one of those big projects over the course of which I'll learn a lot of skills and probably around the middle I'll grow very frustrated with. It will occupy a lot of my free time. But I think it's AWESOME and a future heirloom, and how cool to have that in the fam, really? The idea that mom had was that after I finish sewing it, it could be exchanged between family members at christmas, and each year that family member would have it all year. Isn't that awesome? I think it's awesome.

So far I've got my squares, dad's, miesha's, and mara's. Dom, you're the only one left! So think about it and get back to me soon. Don't think too hard about it, though - impulse is a good thing with this!


In other but very related news, I got an interview monday with a veterinary clinic in vancouver for a receptionist position. I'm officially THRILLED. I rocked the phone interview. But the pay will be good (better than 10 with room for a pay increase) and with it, I can buy my first bolts of background fabric for The Quilt! Huzzah!

My time with Mara has been really fun so far, and I look forward to the last few days I have out here with her. I'm a bit too tired to recount what's happened on my trip so far, so that'll have to wait for a future post. <3

I am very happy.

- me