There's so much to write about. I often get overwhelmed when I'm about to start a journal entry...I think about those who read my journal (mostly family, and a friend or two) and what they may or may not care to hear about. What it might be uncomfortable for others to read. It's always difficult for me to refrain from censoring myself too heavily. But journals are supposed to be for me, for my benefit, right? I feel divided on the issue. Because of this, I'm going to brush past some things, and you (dear reader) will probably notice the absence. Know that I'm privately journalling my feelings elsewhere (in an actual paper journal - how retro of me, I know!) and that I don't omit treating these issues online because I don't care...just that some laundry doesn't need to be aired in public, I guess.
So what AM I willing to share? Well, I'm in-between relationships. That is the kindest way to put it. I met a girl named Brittany, who is beautiful and interesting and kind, but not right for me right now for many reasons. Reasons that I am allowing to prevent me from dating her, but not prevent me from being friends. She's not out. She's too young for me (but of legal age, let's make that clear, lol). Other reasons too, but those are the main ones. Our friendship is a careful one on my part. We like eachother, and it seems she likes me enough that she's willing to put up with my limitations...no kissing, no non-friend contact, but getting to know eachother and be friends in a proper sense instead of just strangers that the internet magically connected. We communicate a lot, and that really helps us stay honest about how we feel about that. I've told her I won't hold her down...that she has no obligation to me, but she seems pretty sold on getting to know me and is very stubborn for her cause. And it's good, so far, and maybe especially tonight. We saw a movie together, and we were close, but it was relaxed and fun and freeing in a way I can't pin down.
Some friends drift away, and others are coming close again. Bre and I are in better phone contact and actually SAW one another face to face just last week. She's still very important to me, and I'm glad we're getting more involved in eachother's lives again. We talked tonight about life and the choices we make in living it, about relationships (our own and others), about our hangups and kinks. It's always good to hear her voice. I smile so big when I see her name on my phone.
Dani and I are about the same, and though it makes me sad to see so little of her (once a month or so), I understand how school can consume you. The same with my Stinna. Chris and Teresa are as close to me as ever and I count them as dear and trusted friends. Roni and I have recently been texting eachother more, and it's surprising and delightful to know that we've actually started to become true friends. Isn't the internet wonderful? I wouldn't have met her without its help. However, it's basically the only way that I stay in any semblance of contact with Dezi, Steve, Caitlin and Matt. They are all slowly drifting away from me, on their own paths, and although this makes me sad sometimes I also understand. Some people's paths run beside yours for longer periods of time than others. That's ok.
(sigh) I do have so much more to say, in way other veins. This post has been all about relationships, but I've overlooked more basic things...my apple seedlings are doing well in the yard - they overwintered beautifully and are full of leaves. I don't know how to protect them from insects, or how to fertilize them, but hopefully my brother and the internet will help. I still hope to bonzai one of them. I'm still employed with lifetouch, and though the hours are pretty poor (18 this week, ouch) I love what I do and it's enough to make my bills. I bought a new laptop for myself. Macbook Pro 17"...beautiful. Perfect. I love it far more than should, it being a mere piece of technology and all. Also I've fully fallen off the wagon as far as the gym goes, but it becons.
As far as my health goes, it's alright. I've gotten twitchy twitchy legs that bug me most nights. I'm seeing the doctor next week to talk about it. My morning headaches are still an issue, but I bought new pillows tonight to see if that doesn't help. Here's hoping it does.
That's all I'm offering tonight - exhausted, but very content (although twitchy, grumble grumble) I'm off to try and sleep. I love you.
- ME
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
A Month and A Few Days Later
I'm laying in my filthy pigsty of a room, with my tiny dog asleep on the blankets beside me. Her cuteness cannot be exceeded. I'm happy in my warm room. I'm happy to have my tiny dog with me.
I had a pretty good day. I woke up initially with a headache...something that's happened a couple times this week. My dreams have been...disconcerting, which can't help the morning headaches. But from the moment I opened my eyes I could see the sun in my window and hear the birds making their morning racket and it was clearly going to be a good day. Better than the rest, this week.
I cleaned the kitchen and family room, listening to my music at blaring volume and singing along. Oh it was good. Then I took Bean and Baccio to the park which they LOVED. We played and socialized with people and dogs for two hours. Left just as the sun was starting to think about setting.
The cold is creeping in my open window now, sky dark with twilight. Looking around...I know how I'm spending the rest of my night. This room will be put to rights!
Yesterday I went on a hike/walk into the woods on the other side of the hill. Not all of the hill is developed yet, and there is a wandering thing in me that needs to go down barely marked trails behind new developments leading who knows where. Turns out the answer to the where was next to Church of the Nazarene at the bottom of the hill. I was surprised, but pleased to know where I was in the end, so the hike back up wasn't too difficult. Hiking in the woods was such fun especially with Bean walking along with me, getting her pretty coat covered in mud, and just as happy anyway. She's a good hiking dog - sticks to the trail, stays close but not underfoot (too much). I took a few pictures that I'll put up later tonight...after my room is where I want it to be.
I feel happy and hopeful for the first time this week. The economy and my very own money situation has been getting me down...but neither of those situations will be improved by a sour disposition I guess. If I look at things with a bit more of a Buddhist eye toward my wants and desires, this recession won't feel quiet as painful for me at least. My needs will be met...others aren't as lucky I know.
So that's just a LITTLE update, afterall. Still single, but today it doesn't hurt too bad. I'm working again with Lifetouch and am bummed that I'll have to get an additional part-time job to supplement the income from that. Less hours than I thought I'd get. I hope I can manage to get a second job, alot of people don't even have ONE. I don't feel too picky though, as long as it's not something that violates my morals (ie, NO MC DONALDS, lol). I play a lot at Chris and Teresa's house, and on WOW. Those are probably my primary forms of entertainment other than TV. I'm still keeping up my activity level, still losing weight and keeping track of it. Next gym day is Monday! <3
That's about it. Today's been a good day.
- me
I had a pretty good day. I woke up initially with a headache...something that's happened a couple times this week. My dreams have been...disconcerting, which can't help the morning headaches. But from the moment I opened my eyes I could see the sun in my window and hear the birds making their morning racket and it was clearly going to be a good day. Better than the rest, this week.
I cleaned the kitchen and family room, listening to my music at blaring volume and singing along. Oh it was good. Then I took Bean and Baccio to the park which they LOVED. We played and socialized with people and dogs for two hours. Left just as the sun was starting to think about setting.
The cold is creeping in my open window now, sky dark with twilight. Looking around...I know how I'm spending the rest of my night. This room will be put to rights!
Yesterday I went on a hike/walk into the woods on the other side of the hill. Not all of the hill is developed yet, and there is a wandering thing in me that needs to go down barely marked trails behind new developments leading who knows where. Turns out the answer to the where was next to Church of the Nazarene at the bottom of the hill. I was surprised, but pleased to know where I was in the end, so the hike back up wasn't too difficult. Hiking in the woods was such fun especially with Bean walking along with me, getting her pretty coat covered in mud, and just as happy anyway. She's a good hiking dog - sticks to the trail, stays close but not underfoot (too much). I took a few pictures that I'll put up later tonight...after my room is where I want it to be.
I feel happy and hopeful for the first time this week. The economy and my very own money situation has been getting me down...but neither of those situations will be improved by a sour disposition I guess. If I look at things with a bit more of a Buddhist eye toward my wants and desires, this recession won't feel quiet as painful for me at least. My needs will be met...others aren't as lucky I know.
So that's just a LITTLE update, afterall. Still single, but today it doesn't hurt too bad. I'm working again with Lifetouch and am bummed that I'll have to get an additional part-time job to supplement the income from that. Less hours than I thought I'd get. I hope I can manage to get a second job, alot of people don't even have ONE. I don't feel too picky though, as long as it's not something that violates my morals (ie, NO MC DONALDS, lol). I play a lot at Chris and Teresa's house, and on WOW. Those are probably my primary forms of entertainment other than TV. I'm still keeping up my activity level, still losing weight and keeping track of it. Next gym day is Monday! <3
That's about it. Today's been a good day.
- me
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Turns out there is no lighter note to this one. Suck.
...so I rather wish I could undo that last post. I COULD delete it...but then, others have read it, and it wouldn't really be authentic to the reality of my life experience. I mean, it's not like I can just delete memories or that date. Although I'd rather like to.
I did go on a date with her. Well, not even a date. An impromptu, rip it off like a bandaid meeting at Sharies. And it went...awry. Not like I puked on her or she was some kind of psycho. She's nice enough. But it turns out I'm an awkward, strange girl and that got really magnified when I met her. I think she brings out the awkward and strange in me. And although that works with some of my friends (god knows why) I don't think she liked the awkward and strange me. So it was just...like that. Those two adjectives. And also painfully so. It was pretty clear within a few minutes of meeting her that that was how it was gonna be. She kind of made me feel like a platypus...you know how the first biologists who ever saw it would have thought. Why is she like this? You can't really be like this? Not that she said these things but I got that feeling.
So yes. I've moved on...more or less. It dented my self-esteem, yeah. Not too bad. If a beautiful woman asked me to go have some coffee I wouldn't turn her down but I would sure be shaking in my boots. I really would like to meet someone who peaks my interest that much...but who can handle me. I know I'm kind of a special kind of person, and it takes a special kind of person to appreciate me, that's all.
I've been thinking about my taste in movies. I'm not super well read, and I'm missing many of the classics from my movie repetoire, but I've started to notice that my taste doesn't really run mainstream. Who's surprised there. Movies I truely love and are under appreciated: Perfume, Quills, Grave of the Fireflies, Hedwig and the Angry Inch (obviously a genre unto itself, and not underappreciated in a cult sort of way, just in a mainstream sort of way), Hard Candy (properly acclaimed by Sundance, but shunned by the public because of it's gritty subject matter. Boo on you public), and lastly and hesitantly added, Brazil. Brazil is a very special addition because it's known pretty widely in film circles (so I've heard, being as I don't belong to any elite, film-loving crust of society) as one of the best movies made. Ever. But included, none the less, because no one other than snobs has even heard of it so far as I can tell. Now the common thread present in all these films is that they make you think...and probably also make your insides want to turn inside out with how bad you feel near the end. I don't know what it says about me that I love movies that make me feel so much pain for the characters. The characters in all of these are painfully real, conflicted, and (in all but Grave of the Fireflies) probably more than a little bit insane. Obviously I like and relate to crazy people, I've known that for some time. But these movies are...well, dark. My love of these movies has forced me to recognize that there is a part of me that is profoundly dark and morbid, and that I'm alright with it being there.
I'd also like to say that if I'd seen more work that Joaquin Phoenix acted in (which now I feel compelled to do!) there'd me more movies on this list that includes him, because he's BRILLIANT in Quills. I kind of fell in love with him, and me being gay, that's a feat. Just to say but it doesn't hurt that he's in love with Kate Winslet in that movie either, and that because of him I got to see some boobies. Thanks, Joaquin, for being a sport. But truely, his acting was pretty damn masterful and caught a kind of James Dean edge to his angst without being cloying or forced. Anything but. He has a very mobile face, his expression reads very clearly, his eyes too are amazingly expressive. I was watching, and thinking that if I were able to remake Twilight and cast my own people (with a more careful script too) he would make a ridiculously awesome Edward...except for him being a few years too old for the role - but in this scenario I have a time machine also and can force him to take the role when he himself is in his late teens. Yes.
About Twilight - I really honestly didn't mean to fall so hard for the books. I'm not fifteen anymore. I can recognize emotional manipulation, an author feeding off the ridculous romantic roleplaying that most teens happily engage in, lacking of course in actual intellegent, compassionate partners. But lets face it - my own relationship experiences have been painful at best. The greatest loves I've endured have been not only without reciprocation but mostly without expression. That kind of pathetic pining is a chief component of these books. No really. I don't mean to get down on myself about that or anything, I'm sure I'll meet the right girl someday and I'll be able to burn the Twilight books in a great big bonfire. That'd be ok. But what's a fandom without fangirls drooling over what's-his-face? I'm not, understandibly, drooling over any guy, but I do kind of drool over the idea of being so ridiculously in love with someone and have that sparkly sort of relationship. And come on, vampires. I love vampires. It's all Buffy's fault, then Anne Rice a close second. I know it's juvenile of me to obsess like I've been, but anytime I'm reminded in some way of how those books make me feel, I just want to go reread and be immersed in their sparkly, sparkly love all over again. Like when I first read Mercedes Lackey's series: Magic's Pawn, Magic's Promise, Magic's Price. It's the tragedy and inevitability of forbidden love. And then they all die (they always do! In all my favorite movies and books and everything!). It makes my heart feel like it's going to explode and implode at the same time. I'm such a sucker.
So there's all that. I never really come to conclusions about myself...what I am, who I am. I just am, as far as I can tell. I don't get this "figuring out who you are" business that so many people seem to indulge in. "Self" seems like a fluid, ever evolving thing to me...well, there are bits that seem pretty constant, but the majority that makes up my "self" seems to be just whims and experiences and current obsessions. I don't dare pin down parts and say "that's it! That's me!" because next week that probably won't be quite so true. And that's alright with me. The essential bits are obvious enough to me, and I'm still pretty often surprised by what I end up liking and disliking. I never thought I'd like that photo job and holy shit I sure do. A lot. Like I could probably do it for quite a few years and not get sick of it and it'd still rock my world. It's not even art and I like it. That's neat.
Other than the above thoughts that have been cycling through my head, I've bought NEARLY all my Christmas presents. Stinna still doesn't have one. Mara doesn't have a b-day gift yet. But every major holiday and b-day up and coming in my life is covered. I feel great about that...I wrapped a bunch today and I am just about the best damn present wrapper on that planet. I felt like taking pictures I was so proud of them. Seems a shame it's just paper that will probably be ripped apart without much thought, but that's the whole reason it's got to be done with care...just like gift giving...you don't do it to bring attention to yourself, you to it so they can enjoy it. And if enjoy means destroying what you worked to make, that's what it takes then and you don't feel sad about it a bit. :)
Starting to feel more like Christmas. Not working at Santa's helps. Of course, Christmas makes me feel the most lonely out of all the year (other than my birthday, that can feel pretty fucking lonely too without a pile of friends to make it better). Everyone has someone for Christmas, it seems especially this Christmas. Both my sisters have their life-partners (phrased that way because Miesha and Chris aren't married...yet). Dom's got Kelsie. Dani and Stinna and Teresa all have met the loves of their respective lives. Other than Bre I'm my only single friend, and she's way the fuck out in nowhere's-ville,and consummately a bad match for me (learned, of course, from experience). All I'm saying is, I'll probably be fighting off a bad case of jealous, bitter, miserable single-girl for the next month or so. I've already started feeling it. I don't know what to do to fend it off...I just try to ignore it, just recognize it's there and refuse to let it ruin my life. Yeah, woe is me right? lolz. I don't even know if I WANT to date right now...mostly I don't believe I'll meet someone who really gets me and figures I'm a risk worth taking. This is gonna sound really pathetic, but I don't have much of a faith in anything right now, least of all my ability to attract good and/or good for me people into my life.
Ok, that was kind of a pity-fest. It's late, and I'm all hormoney, and I have an art piece stuck in me that's making me pretty irritable, so I'm not at all concerned that I'll feel this sorry for myself in the morning after some good sleep. But for the moment, I'm glad I'm exhausted, cause thinking about myself is goddamn depressing.
- me
I did go on a date with her. Well, not even a date. An impromptu, rip it off like a bandaid meeting at Sharies. And it went...awry. Not like I puked on her or she was some kind of psycho. She's nice enough. But it turns out I'm an awkward, strange girl and that got really magnified when I met her. I think she brings out the awkward and strange in me. And although that works with some of my friends (god knows why) I don't think she liked the awkward and strange me. So it was just...like that. Those two adjectives. And also painfully so. It was pretty clear within a few minutes of meeting her that that was how it was gonna be. She kind of made me feel like a platypus...you know how the first biologists who ever saw it would have thought. Why is she like this? You can't really be like this? Not that she said these things but I got that feeling.
So yes. I've moved on...more or less. It dented my self-esteem, yeah. Not too bad. If a beautiful woman asked me to go have some coffee I wouldn't turn her down but I would sure be shaking in my boots. I really would like to meet someone who peaks my interest that much...but who can handle me. I know I'm kind of a special kind of person, and it takes a special kind of person to appreciate me, that's all.
I've been thinking about my taste in movies. I'm not super well read, and I'm missing many of the classics from my movie repetoire, but I've started to notice that my taste doesn't really run mainstream. Who's surprised there. Movies I truely love and are under appreciated: Perfume, Quills, Grave of the Fireflies, Hedwig and the Angry Inch (obviously a genre unto itself, and not underappreciated in a cult sort of way, just in a mainstream sort of way), Hard Candy (properly acclaimed by Sundance, but shunned by the public because of it's gritty subject matter. Boo on you public), and lastly and hesitantly added, Brazil. Brazil is a very special addition because it's known pretty widely in film circles (so I've heard, being as I don't belong to any elite, film-loving crust of society) as one of the best movies made. Ever. But included, none the less, because no one other than snobs has even heard of it so far as I can tell. Now the common thread present in all these films is that they make you think...and probably also make your insides want to turn inside out with how bad you feel near the end. I don't know what it says about me that I love movies that make me feel so much pain for the characters. The characters in all of these are painfully real, conflicted, and (in all but Grave of the Fireflies) probably more than a little bit insane. Obviously I like and relate to crazy people, I've known that for some time. But these movies are...well, dark. My love of these movies has forced me to recognize that there is a part of me that is profoundly dark and morbid, and that I'm alright with it being there.
I'd also like to say that if I'd seen more work that Joaquin Phoenix acted in (which now I feel compelled to do!) there'd me more movies on this list that includes him, because he's BRILLIANT in Quills. I kind of fell in love with him, and me being gay, that's a feat. Just to say but it doesn't hurt that he's in love with Kate Winslet in that movie either, and that because of him I got to see some boobies. Thanks, Joaquin, for being a sport. But truely, his acting was pretty damn masterful and caught a kind of James Dean edge to his angst without being cloying or forced. Anything but. He has a very mobile face, his expression reads very clearly, his eyes too are amazingly expressive. I was watching, and thinking that if I were able to remake Twilight and cast my own people (with a more careful script too) he would make a ridiculously awesome Edward...except for him being a few years too old for the role - but in this scenario I have a time machine also and can force him to take the role when he himself is in his late teens. Yes.
About Twilight - I really honestly didn't mean to fall so hard for the books. I'm not fifteen anymore. I can recognize emotional manipulation, an author feeding off the ridculous romantic roleplaying that most teens happily engage in, lacking of course in actual intellegent, compassionate partners. But lets face it - my own relationship experiences have been painful at best. The greatest loves I've endured have been not only without reciprocation but mostly without expression. That kind of pathetic pining is a chief component of these books. No really. I don't mean to get down on myself about that or anything, I'm sure I'll meet the right girl someday and I'll be able to burn the Twilight books in a great big bonfire. That'd be ok. But what's a fandom without fangirls drooling over what's-his-face? I'm not, understandibly, drooling over any guy, but I do kind of drool over the idea of being so ridiculously in love with someone and have that sparkly sort of relationship. And come on, vampires. I love vampires. It's all Buffy's fault, then Anne Rice a close second. I know it's juvenile of me to obsess like I've been, but anytime I'm reminded in some way of how those books make me feel, I just want to go reread and be immersed in their sparkly, sparkly love all over again. Like when I first read Mercedes Lackey's series: Magic's Pawn, Magic's Promise, Magic's Price. It's the tragedy and inevitability of forbidden love. And then they all die (they always do! In all my favorite movies and books and everything!). It makes my heart feel like it's going to explode and implode at the same time. I'm such a sucker.
So there's all that. I never really come to conclusions about myself...what I am, who I am. I just am, as far as I can tell. I don't get this "figuring out who you are" business that so many people seem to indulge in. "Self" seems like a fluid, ever evolving thing to me...well, there are bits that seem pretty constant, but the majority that makes up my "self" seems to be just whims and experiences and current obsessions. I don't dare pin down parts and say "that's it! That's me!" because next week that probably won't be quite so true. And that's alright with me. The essential bits are obvious enough to me, and I'm still pretty often surprised by what I end up liking and disliking. I never thought I'd like that photo job and holy shit I sure do. A lot. Like I could probably do it for quite a few years and not get sick of it and it'd still rock my world. It's not even art and I like it. That's neat.
Other than the above thoughts that have been cycling through my head, I've bought NEARLY all my Christmas presents. Stinna still doesn't have one. Mara doesn't have a b-day gift yet. But every major holiday and b-day up and coming in my life is covered. I feel great about that...I wrapped a bunch today and I am just about the best damn present wrapper on that planet. I felt like taking pictures I was so proud of them. Seems a shame it's just paper that will probably be ripped apart without much thought, but that's the whole reason it's got to be done with care...just like gift giving...you don't do it to bring attention to yourself, you to it so they can enjoy it. And if enjoy means destroying what you worked to make, that's what it takes then and you don't feel sad about it a bit. :)
Starting to feel more like Christmas. Not working at Santa's helps. Of course, Christmas makes me feel the most lonely out of all the year (other than my birthday, that can feel pretty fucking lonely too without a pile of friends to make it better). Everyone has someone for Christmas, it seems especially this Christmas. Both my sisters have their life-partners (phrased that way because Miesha and Chris aren't married...yet). Dom's got Kelsie. Dani and Stinna and Teresa all have met the loves of their respective lives. Other than Bre I'm my only single friend, and she's way the fuck out in nowhere's-ville,and consummately a bad match for me (learned, of course, from experience). All I'm saying is, I'll probably be fighting off a bad case of jealous, bitter, miserable single-girl for the next month or so. I've already started feeling it. I don't know what to do to fend it off...I just try to ignore it, just recognize it's there and refuse to let it ruin my life. Yeah, woe is me right? lolz. I don't even know if I WANT to date right now...mostly I don't believe I'll meet someone who really gets me and figures I'm a risk worth taking. This is gonna sound really pathetic, but I don't have much of a faith in anything right now, least of all my ability to attract good and/or good for me people into my life.
Ok, that was kind of a pity-fest. It's late, and I'm all hormoney, and I have an art piece stuck in me that's making me pretty irritable, so I'm not at all concerned that I'll feel this sorry for myself in the morning after some good sleep. But for the moment, I'm glad I'm exhausted, cause thinking about myself is goddamn depressing.
- me
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