what it's like to be so thin-skinned

I don't really feel up to the task of figuring out my feelings right now, but I feel obligated. They're not good. I had a long and mostly really good day with Chris and Teresa. But things went kind of wrong, a little at a time, and now I feel horrible.

I'd gone over knowing that Teresa's cousin, Bri, would be there. She's really nice, and funny, and I enjoy her company. When I got over to the house we played some WoW and when Teresa and Bri lost interest in it we more or less went about our individual interenetting. I like the time I spend doing these things...because I can be social and share things I find, and vice versa, and the internet is pretty much boundlessly interesting. I watched Chris play a game for a while, which I also really love doing, and he explained it a bit to me. Then Chris said that we needed to take Bri home, and the cats were going to go to Anita's (would I like to come along?) and Justin would be over later.

We piled into the car and dropped off the cats first. It was pretty much in and out, but I really love Anita's house. Anita is the mom of Teresa's best friend Katie. I felt shy, and suddenly realized how little I wanted to talk about myself, or draw attention to myself today. That despite having such a great day yesterday, I felt awkward today and just wanted to be in a familiar environment. We soon left and took Bri to the houseboat on which her dad and siblings were staying for the weekend. I'd never been on a houseboat before. I felt unsteady on the floating sidewalks, and a bit disconcerted how the boat was moving in the water while they sat and chatted. I didn't talk much, I usually feel really strange and exposed when in a stranger's house. It was a small environment with plenty of people, and I felt so BIG, as though I took up more space than I needed to. Teresa and Chris were relaxed and chatty with Bri's dad, but I can't remember what they chatted about. We weren't there long, and I was really relieved to get back on proper land. I felt embarrassed to have expressed as much fear as I did about the whole "not actually land what if I end up in the water" thing.

When we returned to Chris and Teresa's house Justin was there. I want to like Justin, I do. He's Chris' best friend, and he doesn't visit often as he lives in Seattle. But something about him puts me on guard. I am always anxious when he's around. Maybe it's because I so thoroughly don't understand him. He is smart, and often says things that reveal how curious he is about the world, and about how people interact. I'm impressed by his intelligence. I get the sense that all the information he receives is carefully indexed in his mind for future reference (he is a dangerous foe in trivia competitions). He can say things that will put you at ease, but he has an innappropriate curiosity when it comes to other people's boundries. I don't think he's a bad person, really, but I think that that, in particularly, is his own bad habit. He has a certain level of social ineptitude that is genuine, and on that front I try to be open and honest with him. Yet also, I know and can sense that some of his boundry pushing is fun for him, and sadism always makes me feel victimized and angry at the same time. It brings me back into that middle-school mindset, when I was bullied. And also, my personal boundries are a source of great frustration to me, and when it's pointed out to me that they are...abnormal, it can bother me all day, and it can really really bring me down. He can't know that, and I don't want to make other people feel bad about it either because it's really just me beating myself up. I feel bad because I'm weird like this.

Anyway, Justin was there, and I was immediately on edge. The boundry de jour was personal space...and my intimacy issues have been weighing heavily on me lately, as I've just started going on dates with this nice new girl, and I am pretty afraid she'll bolt when she learns about them. That's a different story. Anyway, when we went out for dinner we were put in a fairly small booth, small for four people anyway. Or maybe it was perfectly reasonably sized, and I was just hyper-sensitive. But I ended up sitting on the inside next to the wall, with my left arm against the wall and Justin on my right blocking me in (I'm left handed). Chris and Teresa were across from me. Once I realized how trapped it made me feel I asked if the others might want to move to a different booth, across the way, where both sides were open to the isles and I could have my left hand free. They didn't think it was necessary and I didn't push it, although I was unhappy. I didn't want to embarrass myself by saying why I really wanted to move...because I felt cramped, and a bit panicky having Justin so close to me that our legs touched. He could see my discomfort and even a few times in the meal serrpitiously poked me. Not ok. Not funny. But normal people would not have found it so uncomfortable...so I tried to just laugh and relax and get through the dinner. At one point, we were talking about the date I just went on, and I said that we hadn't kissed, no, we hadn't really touched at all, and that that was fine by me. Justin asked what I considered first base. I was pretty thoroughly taken aback, not because he had asked such an inappropriate question, because this is something I have come to expect from Justin. More becuase the question made me think even harder about something i don't like to think much about. First base for me? Holding hands. Extended eye contact. How embarrassing that I am terrified of anything beyond such a basic level as that? The food was good. The conversation was good, otherwise. But I was already pretty thoroughly rattled and feeling terrible.

At one point I had to leave the table to fix something with my card, and when I came back I could feel that everyone was hiding something, and felt like they were looking at me. It felt like they had told a joke about me while I was gone, and it was funny to them but I wouldn't have liked it. Soon I realized it was nothing more than that they had changed the background of my phone to something inappropriate. It would have been funny had I not been in that mindset. Again, it felt a bit like my childhood, when I so badly wanted friends, and they would say mean things about me and I wouldn't speak up but laugh along with them. But it wasn't like that, because usually Chris and Teresa are so kind to me. On the way out Teresa appologized because she could see I wasn't really amused by their prank. I tried to explain why it had upset me but gave up...it was too difficult to do without starting to cry, and I didn't want to ruin the evening.

After dinner we went back to Chris and Teresa's house, where we interenetted while Chris and Justin played a video game. I relaxed and laughed a bit at myself for being so silly and sensitive today. I asked Teresa if she'd like to go on a day hike with me tomorrow, and she agreed, which really made me pretty happy. I love to go hiking and usually go alone because other than my father, no one will join me.

We then returned to Anita's to pick up the cats. It was a kind of test run with the cats for Anita, because she wanted to be sure they would adapt to her household and that she wasn't allergic to them. The cats came into Chris and Teresa's life by accident and they'd been lucky that Anita had wanted them. Anyway, they have a lovely household and soon we were all sitting on chairs and the sofa, chatting away. I made sure to sit in an armchair, so it was just me and I didn't have to have my space invaded. I met Anita's husband (Brian? I think that was his name) and he was really nice. But because I had been feeling like I had, I didn't really want extra attention. I really just wanted to go home, I guess, but it would have made Teresa upset if I had insisted and so to be a good sport I let the evening drag on. I got what I felt was extra attention, because we spent the rest of it sitting around and admiring our iphones, which Anita and Brian had never gotten a hard look at. For a while Brian borrowed mine, looking at my photo library (which I found pretty awkward since I didn't know him at all) and he talked to me quite a bit, actually. Toward the end of the evening he showed me that my chair reclined (which I hadn't guessed) and I had just decided to start drawing to distract myself. I probably had seemed kind of antisocial (since I wasn't piping in on the conversation much), and I bet Brian had been trying to put me at ease.

It had been a strange time at Anita's...I'd felt kind of proud to have an iphone, but at the same time, I was not really a part of their conversation, it was Chris who was doing all the showing. I don't like being in foreign environments, with strangers, and basically ignored. I wanted to go home, I shouldn't have come along at all, but should have just gone home after dinner. Maybe part of me had hoped that spending more time with Chris and Teresa would cheer me up, and make me again feel accepted and like I belong. They do that to me, and today, I needed that. Instead I felt further alienated and alone, which was partly my fault, partly situational. When it was finally time to go I was out the door pretty fast...but then realized we were taking those cats home in a huge ass carrier, and it would be Justin and I in the back seat again. My heart totally sank. I wanted to walk home, with how badly I felt. It had been squishy riding with Bri and the cats in the back, but at least it was Bri, who wouldn't smile at me sardonically, knowing I was uncomfortable. I asked if maybe I could have the cats on my lap, but Teresa said they wouldn't fit, and she seemed hurried to get the cats in the back. She was holding their carrier and I'm sure it was heavy in her hands. They would have fit on my lap, and then I wouldn't have been squished, but from the way Teresa was talking I knew that now was not a time to argue with her at all or it would just go on and on for no reason other than she was tired and irritable. And I would start crying and then it would be a real mess. So I didn't, and the cats went in the middle (after some fiddling because they didn't fit well, with Chris's long legs behind the steering wheel). I looked at the room left for me and said frankly that i was too fat to fit there, and we'd have to shove it over some. We did, and it still didn't look like much, but I decided to just go for it, and I'd be home soon. I went to sit down and Ellie had taken my seat, and when I gave her a little push she buckled down and acted as heavy as possible. I gave her a bigger push and she tumbled off the seat like I'd smacked her, as though she hadn't expected further resistance. She was totally fine, and it wasn't as though I had intended to cause her harm, or even like I'd shoved her hard AT ALL really, but Teresa snapped at me pretty fiercely. I appologized. I said Ellie had buckled down and Teresa said I could have just handed her the dog. Maybe I could have. But she said her poor dog had hit her head on the seat just then, and she made me feel like I'd abused the thing. I just shut up and looked out the window, squished as I was. I felt humiliated, miserable, and to tell them would not have solved anything.

When I got to the house I packed up my shit and started to head out right away. Chris asked me if I was ok, and I was honest...I said I wasn't, but I didn't want to cry here, and I didn't really want to explain. I think I said it wasn't anything important, I know I said I'd just gotten a little sad. I don't need them worrying about me. The whole situation, how I'd ended up as such an emotional mess, was acutely embarrassing for me. IS acutely embarrassing.

It was a really upsetting day. When we were out of Chris and Teresa's house there wasn't a moment where I felt comfortable and relaxed. And they can't get that. I don't get it either, really, but it has made me feel stupid and freakish. The last straw was Teresa snapping at me...when I felt my absolute worst, whether she knew it or not, and she made no attempt to understand.

I just don't like being me at times like this. I wish I were someone else, someone who didn't feel this way all the time. I'm tired of it. I just want to be like other people, and relax, and feel confident and comfortable. Some days I almost pull that off, like yesterday, and it makes me elated. But most of the time I'm like this.

I cried most of the way home, ashamed that I was so weak-willed and ridiculous. That spiraled into a "who would want to date someone like me?" feeling, which then bottomed out at a "I don't even want to BE me" feeling. And that's pretty much where I am right now.

I'm smart. I can make ok art. I can sing ok. I'm often funny, silly, entertaining. I'm not completely ugly. But this is the thing that gets in my way. This is what stops me from making new friends, from letting friends become girlfriends, or girlfriends becoming something even more. I can't get comfortable. I don't let them in. I don't really trust them to not recoil, so I recoil for them. That's it right there. I have no idea what to do about that, but that's where I'm at.

It doesn't help to know this. I've known this about myself for a few years now, but haven't made much progress. I think losing weight will help, which is why I'm working hard at it. Maybe if, when I look in the mirror, I like what I see a bit better I will like myself enough to trust others with liking me. I'm not there yet. Maybe I just need to forgive myself for this being a process, not something instantly fixable.

I do feel a bit better right now, after writing it all down. It still sounds so absurd to me. At least I'm done crying.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

- me

Is this why I don't have a girlfriend?

Recent IM conversation I had, thanks to that most excellent of social networking sites, OKcupid! I did not initiate this, so I don't appologize for how things went.

....................

CripsyTacos:have you named your iphone yet?

skeevy17:lol, actually no. Which to think of it is pretty surprising as i've named all my other electronics.

CripsyTacos:lol yeah. i was so in love with mine i named it isabelle

CripsyTacos:how long ago did you get it?

skeevy17:like two weeks ago I think? It feels like forever. We're very happy together. Made for eachother really. <3 <3 <3

CripsyTacos:lol yea i know that feeling i bedazzled mine. You must have a new version then. cheers to you!

skeevy17:BEDAZZLED? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

CripsyTacos:lol

CripsyTacos:yes, but i didnt get the right stones so now i have to take 'em off and restart. haha

CripsyTacos:Im not as motivated as I was when i started so now its just a mess

skeevy17:are you...are you a time traveller?

CripsyTacos:why?

skeevy17:YOU ARE! You must be!

CripsyTacos:y do you say that?

skeevy17:in your home-time can you still watch Nirvana videos on MTV?

skeevy17:And get real plastic toys in your cereal?

skeevy17:how many scrunchies do you own?!

CripsyTacos:haha no. im just into art. when you get a fashion major and super glue together it can be pretty fun.

skeevy17:idk. I think bedazzling an iphone might be like putting glitter on a diamond. Isn't it blindingly beautiful enough?

CripsyTacos:All the things you just listed do sound like fun to me. I did like kurt, srcunciies are fune, and i love cracker-jacks!

CripsyTacos:i just did it to the case

skeevy17:is that like "i smoked but didn't inhale"?

CripsyTacos:not the phone itself.

CripsyTacos:do you knoe that they make cases for iphone as not to damage the phone.that case is pink. the phone is silver.

CripsyTacos:know


skeevy17:do you know that tacocat is a palindrome?

skeevy17:I do like tacos an awful lot. Well, actually I don't like tacos at all. I like burritos best. I don't like how tacos get all soggy. It's terrible. So I prefer burritos because they don't give me any false expectations

(at this point she stopped responding to me)

......................

So I'm hoping to meet someone someday, who can tolerate me. (sigh) I can be kind of unbearable. But really, bedazzling an iphone?! And then asking me if I knew they made cases for them? Really?! And she totally lacked a sense of humor. She didn't play back at all. :( So the interwebs reach out, and then withdraw.

Girl of my dreams, if you're out there, you better stop wasting time. I'm looking for you, you could at least make the effort too!

(the prayer of St. Francis is old and beautiful. This version, for it IS a version of sorts, is derived from the musical setting done by Fiona Apple. When I write it THIS WAY, the song plays in my head. (: )




Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

Lord and I would ask of you, that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love

for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.


Even outside of a christian perspective, I believe one could see much of this as true...true in that it is right to seek to foster good things where it seems only painful, negative things are. Not that all the things listed are entirely negative...I would argue that doubt is as healthy and necessary as "faith," both in a spiritual sense and in a more general way. It shows an active, questioning mind to have doubts. It shows a person of conscience and curiosity. All good traits.

In general, though, I've lately been kind of ignoring my spirituality. My focus has been pretty narrow lately...I work hard. I do my best. I spend my free money on things for my dog, on sushi, on medications (apparently) and the application process for TSA. My free time is basically absorbed by interenetting, walks with my dog, playing with Chris and Teresa, and reading. A little tv, but not much. A little wow, but very very little indeed. I haven't supplied myself with much time for introspection...because by keeping busy I've been able to keep my mind mostly off any thoughts of self-pity or boohoos. Really, my health has been difficult lately, and whenever that goes then my mood gets pretty shitty on me. I caught the pig-sick at the beginning of October, and I only felt truly better after 2 1/2 weeks. My PCOS combined with a new birth control to give me a period that lasted a month and a half, so I recently chatted with an OB/GYN to get squared away with a new medication. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster, and I've been trying not to submit other people to it too much. Seriously, hormones. It's bad enough I have to deal with the random crying, angry outbursts, etc. So I've withdrawn some. I know I'll feel better once I finish this cycle and start the new meds.

I am exhausted by the TSA process. Earlier this week I realized how close my deadline is (Dec. 1st) and went to a few places and did some things to further the progress. I am only waiting on my primary care doctor to finish the rest of her paperwork and turn it into billings. I worry that after all the money, time and effort I've put into this process that they will simply reject me on the basis of my medical conditions. I would understand. I am not without my medical baggage. But I think I manage my conditions well. I am a hard worker. I am confident that I could do this job well, if only they would train and place me somewhere. Anywhere.

Despite keeping myself busy, my worried thoughts still sometimes turn to what I really want out of life. I just want to make art and sell it. That's all. Why am I not really doing that? Is it only fear? I am afraid of lots of things. But I am most afraid that at 30 I will still be working some job I don't care terribly about, no money to speak of in savings, no healthcare, and living with mom and dad. That is unacceptable. My current situation is pretty unacceptable too, but I try to keep my head high and look at the good things. I enjoy the company. I like the dogs. My room is comfortable and the meals are delicious. No rent. No utilities. Relative privacy.

But I am an adult. I'm 24. I want my own place, and I'm not too picky right now. The only way to do that is a better job...and the only one on the table is TSA. It might be Brussel sprouts, but it's still food...and maybe it'll be great once I'm in the thick of it.

Yesterday I was hired for a holiday position with Sears Portrait Studios at Washington Square Mall. I'm excited, and nervous, but mostly excited for the challenge of taking new pictures, new ways, and seeing a whole new age-group of smiles. God I love smiling, and having little kids smile back at me. It makes my life. It's what makes being a photographer one of the best jobs on the planet.

I've been writing a story about a werewolf that wants to be a book. It's writing itself in my head, and most of the time I spend driving, waiting in lines, etc is spent thinking about the plot and characters.

I'm trying to keep myself motivated and laughing at life. I feel balanced on the edge of a good long hermiting spell, but I'm trying to stay out of it. I get sad when I do that.

I hope that this "progress" in my life; with completing more TSA forms, with getting the new job, are all reality and not build up for an even bigger let down. I am trying to believe in myself.

I am trying.

- me