(the prayer of St. Francis is old and beautiful. This version, for it IS a version of sorts, is derived from the musical setting done by Fiona Apple. When I write it THIS WAY, the song plays in my head. (: )




Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

Lord and I would ask of you, that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love

for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.


Even outside of a christian perspective, I believe one could see much of this as true...true in that it is right to seek to foster good things where it seems only painful, negative things are. Not that all the things listed are entirely negative...I would argue that doubt is as healthy and necessary as "faith," both in a spiritual sense and in a more general way. It shows an active, questioning mind to have doubts. It shows a person of conscience and curiosity. All good traits.

In general, though, I've lately been kind of ignoring my spirituality. My focus has been pretty narrow lately...I work hard. I do my best. I spend my free money on things for my dog, on sushi, on medications (apparently) and the application process for TSA. My free time is basically absorbed by interenetting, walks with my dog, playing with Chris and Teresa, and reading. A little tv, but not much. A little wow, but very very little indeed. I haven't supplied myself with much time for introspection...because by keeping busy I've been able to keep my mind mostly off any thoughts of self-pity or boohoos. Really, my health has been difficult lately, and whenever that goes then my mood gets pretty shitty on me. I caught the pig-sick at the beginning of October, and I only felt truly better after 2 1/2 weeks. My PCOS combined with a new birth control to give me a period that lasted a month and a half, so I recently chatted with an OB/GYN to get squared away with a new medication. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster, and I've been trying not to submit other people to it too much. Seriously, hormones. It's bad enough I have to deal with the random crying, angry outbursts, etc. So I've withdrawn some. I know I'll feel better once I finish this cycle and start the new meds.

I am exhausted by the TSA process. Earlier this week I realized how close my deadline is (Dec. 1st) and went to a few places and did some things to further the progress. I am only waiting on my primary care doctor to finish the rest of her paperwork and turn it into billings. I worry that after all the money, time and effort I've put into this process that they will simply reject me on the basis of my medical conditions. I would understand. I am not without my medical baggage. But I think I manage my conditions well. I am a hard worker. I am confident that I could do this job well, if only they would train and place me somewhere. Anywhere.

Despite keeping myself busy, my worried thoughts still sometimes turn to what I really want out of life. I just want to make art and sell it. That's all. Why am I not really doing that? Is it only fear? I am afraid of lots of things. But I am most afraid that at 30 I will still be working some job I don't care terribly about, no money to speak of in savings, no healthcare, and living with mom and dad. That is unacceptable. My current situation is pretty unacceptable too, but I try to keep my head high and look at the good things. I enjoy the company. I like the dogs. My room is comfortable and the meals are delicious. No rent. No utilities. Relative privacy.

But I am an adult. I'm 24. I want my own place, and I'm not too picky right now. The only way to do that is a better job...and the only one on the table is TSA. It might be Brussel sprouts, but it's still food...and maybe it'll be great once I'm in the thick of it.

Yesterday I was hired for a holiday position with Sears Portrait Studios at Washington Square Mall. I'm excited, and nervous, but mostly excited for the challenge of taking new pictures, new ways, and seeing a whole new age-group of smiles. God I love smiling, and having little kids smile back at me. It makes my life. It's what makes being a photographer one of the best jobs on the planet.

I've been writing a story about a werewolf that wants to be a book. It's writing itself in my head, and most of the time I spend driving, waiting in lines, etc is spent thinking about the plot and characters.

I'm trying to keep myself motivated and laughing at life. I feel balanced on the edge of a good long hermiting spell, but I'm trying to stay out of it. I get sad when I do that.

I hope that this "progress" in my life; with completing more TSA forms, with getting the new job, are all reality and not build up for an even bigger let down. I am trying to believe in myself.

I am trying.

- me