I've got some mixed up feelings recently.

I'm working harder to exercise - I'm dedicated to losing lbs, especially now that I actually know how much I weigh. No, I won't write it here. That would be a kind of torture even for me. But now that I know, I can't help but try to change it, and the effort is, FOR ONCE, going well. I've gone exercising twice this week, and it looks like I'll be going every other day, if not every day, because of cycle days. CT has been exercising with me, which has been a wonderful motivator. I'm eating well - no soda, no sweets, low fat, just reasonable.

She's living in my room. Plutonically. She has a boyfriend back at home. And I think we're becoming better friends, and that the crush is getting less....which is kind of necessary since she IS living in my room.

I'm on medication, and take it every day. It hasn't really kicked in yet (it's only been a little over a week), but I trust it will soon enough.

I've been better at doing art, and thinking through my problems. I haven't been regularly attending two of my classes, but one of them I haven't missed once, and have promised myself to never miss (since if I miss three I am automatically dropped from the class). I hereby promise myself to not miss my philosophy classes anymore just because I'm tired and shit. It's so lame of me. Part of it is just laziness...part of it is the depression...part of it is the sinking feeling of impending failure. I'm sorry if I don't have any faith in my ability to survive a philosophy class, even if the prof is nice. I just get so overwhelmed and stupid-feeling. It's just no my field. But for this semester, it just has to be.

My brother has his PhD now. I'm so proud of him, I've told all my friends.

Yesterday night I went on a candlelit walk to the chapel across the lake, to pray for piece with about 30 other people. I helped light all the torches and candles. I sang the songs with them. It felt so good, so perfect to be surrounded by these people. They want peace in their lives and in this world too. It's not just me. Walking across the ice, with the torches scattered all across the lake, we just walked, like a crowd of shadows. And I was one of them, and alone too. It was amazing.

I don't know if I can keep doing this. I know my medication will kick in soon, so I'm holding on for that. But I'm not thick with hope. I'm not heavy with joy. I'm small, and not very happy.

fin.