ok, so.

I bought a scale. It was hard for me to do, I hated having to ask for where it was because I have to resist the urge to assume other people care whether or not I'm fat. I'm just some random customer to them, passing very briefly through their lives, making no major impression really. The question remains if I really can change. IF it's possible. What I want to believe is true is manifestly not always true - I believed I could complete my internship. I believed I could graduate on time. I believed I could pass my classes. None of these things were true. Caitlin love that movie "what the bleep do we know" all about how believing in something helps to make it true. If I don't give myself a chance, if I don't start out believing I can make it, I do doom myself. I want more out of this life. I want to be thin, confident, have a good job, spiritually prepare myself for my religious life, try out that dating a girl who actually cares about me thing…Go to clubs and meet people.

But with the weight thing, I do want to lose weight. I do want to be skinny. I need to make a plan so that it will happen…and I need to stick to it and not let myself grow frustrated and quit, or over-reward myself, or cheat because I don’t feel happy.

Problem areas with my losing weight:

I use food to counter-act boredom, and every time I feel any kind of hunger I immediately eat. I think, other than one snack in the afternoon, I should drink water when I get these cravings, or tea, or gum. All good alternatives.

Exercise is a real problem. I hate doing sit-ups, not because they exhaust me but because they hurt my back and my ass and my neck…everything BUT my stomach. I need to find exercises that work the stomach muscles that are nicer to the rest of my body…or maybe I’m just not doing them right. That’s something to find out tomorrow I think.

But I bought the scale. That’s for weekly weighing. I need to print out a calendar so that I can keep track of my weight and what I eat each day, like I was gonna do with Dom but stopped doing. I did weight myself tonight…no, I can’t even type it. I’m ashamed that I’ve let my weight problem get so out of control. I don’t want to be one of those morbidly obese people on tv who have to get a gastric-bypass surgery or they WILL die. I don’t want to be using food as my comfort in this world. I have a better comfort, a deeper strength, a stronger hope. I forget so often.

A big frustration is my situation with learning how to play go. Obviously it is a life passion, and perhaps I am pushing myself too hard to become better. But the software I aquired is too much stronger than I am, I don’t understand it’s tactics, I rarely get more than one of two stones, and never finish a game with more than a few living stones. I think I don’t understand the rules well enough in practice, so I’m hoping to talk to my prof after class and see if I can play a few games against him, to make sure that I’m ACTUALLY understanding it. I wish I could convince one of my friends to play with me. I don’t know anyone in the class…I’m afraid to talk to them. I don’t think they’ll like me. But I’m sure they could use practice too. I fear I’m not analytical enough to be a good player of this game. I want to be really good player of this game very badly. I know that will take time, but I want it, and I want to do what I have to do to make that happen.

I want to get A’s in both of my classes this semester, and so far I’m doing well. I’m keeping up on the homework, I’m participating. It makes me sad that I don’t have any real friends in any of the classes yet…but then, people can feel intimidated by me cause I’m so…me. I can be loud and brash and opinionated and that can really annoy some people.

Nothing feels quite right. Being home…it’s too comfortable. I’m back in all my old clothes, and I’m lulled to sleep by the sound of the fan and dad mowing the lawn outside. I should be trying to move on, to stand on my own feet. But I’m still comfortably in the nest. Because I don’t believe in myself, and I don’t want to fall on my face again.

Maybe just until Fall, I can give myself time to heal. It was really hard for me, this last year. I’ve never hated life more, struggled more just to wake up and keep living. Every day was this disjointed, painful experience that brought with it lots of self-loathing and humiliation. And losing my internship…I definitely haven’t recovered from that. IF I could just remember how valuable I can be…

so that’s some of my thoughts right now. Class in the morning so I need to go to sleep.