Discontent, anxiety, remorse, etc.

I feel aweful about Liz, about how things went with her and me. I'm too chickenshit to call her, plus I don't even really want to talk to her...I would love to just let her not be part of my life ever again, to just leave that in the past...but she has my leather jacket. Seriously, I know it's only a jacket, but that thing went to china with me. I love that jacket. More than I loved her? Maybe. Shallow? Yes. Good evidence of why that thing went down the drain so rapidly, once I finally pulled the plug.

I'm still treading water. Yesterday I exercised, and today I will after my class, I'm eating reasonibly...I'm honesty trying to start a new pattern. I know that I've failed a lot in the past at doing this, but I just have to do it, despite that. I'm trying to be excited and not give up on myself too early in the game.

I want a girlfriend pretty badly, but I know I don't have a place for her in my life right yet. I don't have a job, a place to live, or my dog. Those things all have to come before girlfriend, in my book.

I finished my philosophy class. I feel I did pretty fucking well. I wrote some good papers, took some good tests. If nothing else, I'll definately pass. That's all that counts to my school. But what counts to me is that I really did learn a lot, and I actually care about what I learned! It's the same for my women's studies class, maybe even to a greater degree. As ineffectually as I started the paper for it last night, I know when I really get into the writing it'll start to flow naturally. I'm so glad it's not due today, though. I'd be screwed.

I know who I want to be, and what I want to do (for the most part), the challenge is making my desires match reality, and my reality match my desires in turn. I know it can be done.

I'm worried about not taking my pills, my anxiety pills (IRONY!). I'm doing ok, I think a lot of my crazy was brought on by all the stresses I was under at school and now back at home I'm more stable. I don't want to be the crazy girl though, I don't want to go back to how I was last semester. That was a bad time.

I miss my friends, I miss having an easy time, just being me, lazing around watching tv or studying together. I miss Caitlin so much it hurts.

That's where my brain is right now. In Alaska with her.