FUCKING VALENTINE'S DAY.

Today was Valentine's Day. It's not anymore, it's just a friday now. I'll get up in the morning, make the bed (I really do make the bed every morning here...I think it's because I know it's not my house), let the barking dogs out, put them back in their kennels and go to class. Then I'll come back here for a few hours, go home and have dinner with my parents, and then go out. I just have to. Because Valentine's day worked. It made me feel alone.

I was doing fine. I was single, and yeah, still trying to get over the two greatest loves of my life. But I was getting past it all I think. A little bit. And then damn you Valentine's day.

She called, Caitlin that is. Hearing her voice was so wonderful. I could feel the great chasm of distance between us, there were all these empty pauses in our conversation. We never had that emptiness before. She's done things since we last saw eachother; taken classes, met new people. She's dating a boy she really really likes. She's crazy about him. I don't have the heart to hate his guts since he makes her so happy but OH I want to. I'd been thinking about her all day. There's this song I wrote, right before I left, about how I knew I loved her, and that she didn't love me, and that she was going to move on and how I didn't know if I'd meet someone who felt so much like home to me ever again. Wah wah wah I know it's so self pitying and indulgent. I can't seem to help it. I hate this day.

So to get my mind off the mess I spent a lot of time at home with mom and dad, until I knew I had to go back to the doghouse, to let the poor creatures out and you know, be responsible. I brought movies along. An action flick, pirates of the carribean, some opera...and music and lyrics. I didn't at the time realize what compelled me. I knew it was a bad idea even; romantic comedies are vapid, emotionally manipulative things. I knew I'd like it, and it'd get me all sappy and...romantic. UGH.

So of course I had to watch it. I told myself I'd make fun of it, distance myself. But here's the thing that I'd done to myself. I had forgotten that one of the first thoughts I'd had upon meeting Caitlin, was that when she looked up and to the left, she looked strikingly like a brunette Drew Berrymore. When she'd do that it'd catch my heart on my throat and I'd just stare at her dumbly. She's so spontanious and beautiful like that. And really, watching that movie, it was like meeting her again and playing around and having fun and it brought me back to that year I spent where we were eachother's shadows. Where I couldn't spend a day without hearing her voice and her laugh and endlessly wanting to hold her close to me and just be with her.

Maybe that's strange of me. I mean, I think of erotic scenarios about other people, of course. That's just human. But with her...it's like it sullies something. All I wanted, really, was to hold her, and breathe with her, and touch her. I think...idk, maybe that is the most important part of any relationship to me. Its so important to be able to fight and to discuss and make eachother laugh and think...but being able to just silently BE together...that's what gets me. That's what really fills up that little hollow spot behind my sternum.

So I sabotaged myself by watching this Drew Berrymore flick, is the gut of this story. And I'm left with all these echoes. At least with Teresa the memories are less fresh, and I never felt I knew her as perfectly as I felt I knew Caitlin.

I'm glad I'm not going back in the Spring. I was going to visit, to play with my friends. But not only would that be extremely painful...thinking about how depressed I was on occasion there, about my academic failing...but just by being there some little part of me would be holding out 'maybe if I'm just near her, she'll turn to me and fall for me and it will all be sunshine and rainbows and puppy-dogs!' But it won't be. It's not going to happen. I know that. I can want and I can wish and I can even beg but it won't make her feel anything for me that she doesn't already feel.

I need to meet the girl who can elicit this response in me and love me back. I need her to come into my life soon. Because I can't accumulate anymore heartache like this.

So tomorrow night I'm going out. Finding my girlfriend is now, once again, a priority.

And damn you Valentine's Day. I'm glad you're over and I can go back to my single life without feeling so publicly SHAMED!

- Me

Illogical Fears

Being that I am a crazy person, I have a few illogical fears. It makes me feel better to enumerate the ways in which I'm crazy. Maybe it helps me understand it better. Also, I think it's ridiculous and funny in a way. Or it would be a lot funnier if it weren't me that was experiencing the crazy. Like, if I heard about this kind of thing on a tv channel I would find it entertaining. I'm not making anything up here, I'm genuinely afraid of these things.

So some of my fears (one's I'm not too embarrassed to share, I suppose. I won't list too many because that'll make me look REALLY crazy. Also not ones that will make it hard for me to sleep immediately after writing this.)

I can't sleep with a cat in the room. I once read this story about a folk belief that cats would creep near to a baby's crib while it slept and steal the soul of the baby, killing it. It was some kind of folk explaination for SIDS. But anyway, I just don't like cats near me when I sleep. I mean...what if they could suck my soul out while I slept? The cats in this house that I dogsit at are often sweet. Two of them love me to death...they live to curl up on my lap or just lie near me and purrrrrr. But I pick them up and move them away if I'M going to sleep. Sure they seem all sweet and innocent. But everyone knows that cats are the allies of the devil. They seriously have something evil in them, even the sweetest most gentle cats are tainted. I like cats. I just don't trust them.

baby dolls I don't trust those fixed, shiny eyes. I don't like the stiff smiles. They creep me out. I'm sure they'll move. They too would like to kill me in my sleep. This one goes WAY back, my parents just gave up on buying me baby dolls after a while...I would have these nightmares that I still remember, vivid horrible nightmares. Yeah.

bees Um, well, I was stung in the eye when I was 3. I don't remember that, but I credit it with my fear of them. I can now be in the presence of a bee as long as it's not flying AT or too NEAR me...like if it's attacking a window, or minding it's own business collecting pollen. But if it flyings at or near me, all bets are off and I am getting away and out.

bugs getting in my ears Seriously, this is the root for more than a few compulsions. Just thinking about it gets me twitchy. I had this dream once that sacks full of spider eggs hatched all over me and crawled all over me and then crawled into my ears and I could feel/hear them. Ugh.

driving or walking next to busses or trucks OMG it scares me so bad. I just give them so much space. I'm sure they'll either side swipe me or just fall over on me. They're too big!!

everyone behind me is an unmarked police car yep. That's paranoia for you. I just CAN'T speed. Because one of them is undoubtibly an unmarked car. I HATE THOSE THINGS. Gone are the days when you can trust your fellow driver!!! Now on a level this is a logical fear. But equally...it's really really paranoid.

hm, something not about driving...


nope, nope I have to stop if I'm going to sleep ok. If I keep thinking like this I'll think about the ones that have to do with sleeping, and there are a lot of those, and then I'll have a really hard time getting to sleep.

Goodnight!