ok so...

I met a girl online today.

I know that online dating is lame. I know it on a level, just like I know that star trek is lame and anime has a great potential to be or to make one lame. But I also feel that the internet can have one of two effects on a person...it either makes you ridiculously, confession-style honest, or you lie a lot because you can. Because this is me, I do the honest thing. I'm like that in real life too, but online I'm even worse. So I end up (maybe that's past tense! Ohhh that'd be nice!) hoping I'll attract a like minded, honest person. Someone who doesn't see the point in lying when there's such a huge gap in space, sometimes in time, between this computer and the one under the hands of whoever's on the other line.

And so I got this message today, and it was intruiging. It was very polite, but genuinely interested, and she sounded...like if I totally ignored her she was prepared for that and that'd be ok, but she would much prefer I contact her. So I went to her page and omg. I could not build a person I would be more interested in I think. That sounds ridiculous but it's true. And it doesn't hurt that she's REALLY beautiful, I mean truly and way out of my league. Like if Angeline Jolie didn't look so plastic and had some of her genes mixed with that beautiful black woman on Fringe and a bit of the actress from resident evil. I was so completely sold on her from reading her bio and all her answers to the standard "getting to know you" questions on there, but then I saw her pictures and felt this cold pit of dread well up in me because she is SO pretty. I had to go back and reread her message where she said she thought I was interesting. It didn't seem possible. I hope my one picture of myself on the site didn't mislead her. And then I noticed she was online! So I messaged her, because I decided what the hell, better attempted than not.

We spent like...3 hours talking online. It was mostly my fault...I appologized for drilling her but she really didn't seem to mind my curiosity and interest. She gave me her number. I'm thinking this thing that just started today could be a really good thing. I'm hoping it's true.

See, I've been reading the Twilight books. They're bad. I mean, they're fantastic because they make my heart beat like a drum and I cry and I hug the book and laugh at it and love the characters. They're bad in that when I finish them, any of them, I can't get out of that romantic funk. The one where I remember that I'm single and have no one to cuddle or tease or kiss. And then I get kind of mopey for a while until I snap out of it. So when this girl messaged me, I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it if she ended up just blowing me off halfway through the conversation...because from the little I know of her so far, I do really like her, and I didn't want to project all my desire for a big sappy romance onto her unnecessarily. I still don't. Way too early for that. WAY. I know that. But part of me really can't help hoping I get the chance.

So, thank you okcupid! You're not worthless afterall! I've met people through okcupid before, but I've never been quite so...well, I've said all that already. But I'm excited! Like really hopeful and a bit wary but pretty damn excited!

I hate to psych myself out. I would hate to invest too much emotional energy into this and just have it deflate suddenly in front of my eyes. But I'm a wildly emotional person, it's true. And my emotions are all hoping and dreaming and going in girly, gooey little love-struck circles. And that's just fine.

I get this nervous flutter in my chest at the thought of hearing her voice. I wonder what it'll sound like. And if I'll be disappointing in person. My self-esteem in my own appearance is pretty crap these days, but knowing that I AM losing weight and having my new haircut helps. But still, I know I'm not as pretty as I could be and that bothers me. It would really hurt for us to meet and for her to be not attracted to me at all. That would so suck. I know I'm not without my charms though, so if my appearance doesn't impress I'll be damned if I let her walk away without putting in a good effort of winning her over.

This reminds me of when I first met Liz...how I was full of questions for her, baffled by her apparent interest in me, suprised by the feeling that we'd always known eachother and that I could just relax and be my weird, ridiculous self. It's just like that in some ways, but also I feel like I'll get to dig some of her out of herself and that will be fun. I'm currently resisting going back and looking at her profile again. I will not be weird and creepy and stalkerish to this girl that I really don't know at all. I won't. I'm going to control myself and let things progress at their own rate, and play out as they will.

I feel like I'll surprise her a lot and that'll be fun too. This all from just a few hours of conversation, mind you (you mysterious you, you!) and who knows how wrong I might be even just tomorrow.

But for tonight I'm [see above for multiple descriptions]! Mysterious you, hope with me! I'd love someone to love, and to love me too!

<3 Maddie