Hang On, Little Tomato

There's so much to write about. I often get overwhelmed when I'm about to start a journal entry...I think about those who read my journal (mostly family, and a friend or two) and what they may or may not care to hear about. What it might be uncomfortable for others to read. It's always difficult for me to refrain from censoring myself too heavily. But journals are supposed to be for me, for my benefit, right? I feel divided on the issue. Because of this, I'm going to brush past some things, and you (dear reader) will probably notice the absence. Know that I'm privately journalling my feelings elsewhere (in an actual paper journal - how retro of me, I know!) and that I don't omit treating these issues online because I don't care...just that some laundry doesn't need to be aired in public, I guess.

So what AM I willing to share? Well, I'm in-between relationships. That is the kindest way to put it. I met a girl named Brittany, who is beautiful and interesting and kind, but not right for me right now for many reasons. Reasons that I am allowing to prevent me from dating her, but not prevent me from being friends. She's not out. She's too young for me (but of legal age, let's make that clear, lol). Other reasons too, but those are the main ones. Our friendship is a careful one on my part. We like eachother, and it seems she likes me enough that she's willing to put up with my limitations...no kissing, no non-friend contact, but getting to know eachother and be friends in a proper sense instead of just strangers that the internet magically connected. We communicate a lot, and that really helps us stay honest about how we feel about that. I've told her I won't hold her down...that she has no obligation to me, but she seems pretty sold on getting to know me and is very stubborn for her cause. And it's good, so far, and maybe especially tonight. We saw a movie together, and we were close, but it was relaxed and fun and freeing in a way I can't pin down.

Some friends drift away, and others are coming close again. Bre and I are in better phone contact and actually SAW one another face to face just last week. She's still very important to me, and I'm glad we're getting more involved in eachother's lives again. We talked tonight about life and the choices we make in living it, about relationships (our own and others), about our hangups and kinks. It's always good to hear her voice. I smile so big when I see her name on my phone.

Dani and I are about the same, and though it makes me sad to see so little of her (once a month or so), I understand how school can consume you. The same with my Stinna. Chris and Teresa are as close to me as ever and I count them as dear and trusted friends. Roni and I have recently been texting eachother more, and it's surprising and delightful to know that we've actually started to become true friends. Isn't the internet wonderful? I wouldn't have met her without its help. However, it's basically the only way that I stay in any semblance of contact with Dezi, Steve, Caitlin and Matt. They are all slowly drifting away from me, on their own paths, and although this makes me sad sometimes I also understand. Some people's paths run beside yours for longer periods of time than others. That's ok.

(sigh) I do have so much more to say, in way other veins. This post has been all about relationships, but I've overlooked more basic things...my apple seedlings are doing well in the yard - they overwintered beautifully and are full of leaves. I don't know how to protect them from insects, or how to fertilize them, but hopefully my brother and the internet will help. I still hope to bonzai one of them. I'm still employed with lifetouch, and though the hours are pretty poor (18 this week, ouch) I love what I do and it's enough to make my bills. I bought a new laptop for myself. Macbook Pro 17"...beautiful. Perfect. I love it far more than should, it being a mere piece of technology and all. Also I've fully fallen off the wagon as far as the gym goes, but it becons.

As far as my health goes, it's alright. I've gotten twitchy twitchy legs that bug me most nights. I'm seeing the doctor next week to talk about it. My morning headaches are still an issue, but I bought new pillows tonight to see if that doesn't help. Here's hoping it does.

That's all I'm offering tonight - exhausted, but very content (although twitchy, grumble grumble) I'm off to try and sleep. I love you.

- ME