Turns out there is no lighter note to this one. Suck.

...so I rather wish I could undo that last post. I COULD delete it...but then, others have read it, and it wouldn't really be authentic to the reality of my life experience. I mean, it's not like I can just delete memories or that date. Although I'd rather like to.

I did go on a date with her. Well, not even a date. An impromptu, rip it off like a bandaid meeting at Sharies. And it went...awry. Not like I puked on her or she was some kind of psycho. She's nice enough. But it turns out I'm an awkward, strange girl and that got really magnified when I met her. I think she brings out the awkward and strange in me. And although that works with some of my friends (god knows why) I don't think she liked the awkward and strange me. So it was just...like that. Those two adjectives. And also painfully so. It was pretty clear within a few minutes of meeting her that that was how it was gonna be. She kind of made me feel like a platypus...you know how the first biologists who ever saw it would have thought. Why is she like this? You can't really be like this? Not that she said these things but I got that feeling.

So yes. I've moved on...more or less. It dented my self-esteem, yeah. Not too bad. If a beautiful woman asked me to go have some coffee I wouldn't turn her down but I would sure be shaking in my boots. I really would like to meet someone who peaks my interest that much...but who can handle me. I know I'm kind of a special kind of person, and it takes a special kind of person to appreciate me, that's all.

I've been thinking about my taste in movies. I'm not super well read, and I'm missing many of the classics from my movie repetoire, but I've started to notice that my taste doesn't really run mainstream. Who's surprised there. Movies I truely love and are under appreciated: Perfume, Quills, Grave of the Fireflies, Hedwig and the Angry Inch (obviously a genre unto itself, and not underappreciated in a cult sort of way, just in a mainstream sort of way), Hard Candy (properly acclaimed by Sundance, but shunned by the public because of it's gritty subject matter. Boo on you public), and lastly and hesitantly added, Brazil. Brazil is a very special addition because it's known pretty widely in film circles (so I've heard, being as I don't belong to any elite, film-loving crust of society) as one of the best movies made. Ever. But included, none the less, because no one other than snobs has even heard of it so far as I can tell. Now the common thread present in all these films is that they make you think...and probably also make your insides want to turn inside out with how bad you feel near the end. I don't know what it says about me that I love movies that make me feel so much pain for the characters. The characters in all of these are painfully real, conflicted, and (in all but Grave of the Fireflies) probably more than a little bit insane. Obviously I like and relate to crazy people, I've known that for some time. But these movies are...well, dark. My love of these movies has forced me to recognize that there is a part of me that is profoundly dark and morbid, and that I'm alright with it being there.

I'd also like to say that if I'd seen more work that Joaquin Phoenix acted in (which now I feel compelled to do!) there'd me more movies on this list that includes him, because he's BRILLIANT in Quills. I kind of fell in love with him, and me being gay, that's a feat. Just to say but it doesn't hurt that he's in love with Kate Winslet in that movie either, and that because of him I got to see some boobies. Thanks, Joaquin, for being a sport. But truely, his acting was pretty damn masterful and caught a kind of James Dean edge to his angst without being cloying or forced. Anything but. He has a very mobile face, his expression reads very clearly, his eyes too are amazingly expressive. I was watching, and thinking that if I were able to remake Twilight and cast my own people (with a more careful script too) he would make a ridiculously awesome Edward...except for him being a few years too old for the role - but in this scenario I have a time machine also and can force him to take the role when he himself is in his late teens. Yes.

About Twilight - I really honestly didn't mean to fall so hard for the books. I'm not fifteen anymore. I can recognize emotional manipulation, an author feeding off the ridculous romantic roleplaying that most teens happily engage in, lacking of course in actual intellegent, compassionate partners. But lets face it - my own relationship experiences have been painful at best. The greatest loves I've endured have been not only without reciprocation but mostly without expression. That kind of pathetic pining is a chief component of these books. No really. I don't mean to get down on myself about that or anything, I'm sure I'll meet the right girl someday and I'll be able to burn the Twilight books in a great big bonfire. That'd be ok. But what's a fandom without fangirls drooling over what's-his-face? I'm not, understandibly, drooling over any guy, but I do kind of drool over the idea of being so ridiculously in love with someone and have that sparkly sort of relationship. And come on, vampires. I love vampires. It's all Buffy's fault, then Anne Rice a close second. I know it's juvenile of me to obsess like I've been, but anytime I'm reminded in some way of how those books make me feel, I just want to go reread and be immersed in their sparkly, sparkly love all over again. Like when I first read Mercedes Lackey's series: Magic's Pawn, Magic's Promise, Magic's Price. It's the tragedy and inevitability of forbidden love. And then they all die (they always do! In all my favorite movies and books and everything!). It makes my heart feel like it's going to explode and implode at the same time. I'm such a sucker.

So there's all that. I never really come to conclusions about myself...what I am, who I am. I just am, as far as I can tell. I don't get this "figuring out who you are" business that so many people seem to indulge in. "Self" seems like a fluid, ever evolving thing to me...well, there are bits that seem pretty constant, but the majority that makes up my "self" seems to be just whims and experiences and current obsessions. I don't dare pin down parts and say "that's it! That's me!" because next week that probably won't be quite so true. And that's alright with me. The essential bits are obvious enough to me, and I'm still pretty often surprised by what I end up liking and disliking. I never thought I'd like that photo job and holy shit I sure do. A lot. Like I could probably do it for quite a few years and not get sick of it and it'd still rock my world. It's not even art and I like it. That's neat.

Other than the above thoughts that have been cycling through my head, I've bought NEARLY all my Christmas presents. Stinna still doesn't have one. Mara doesn't have a b-day gift yet. But every major holiday and b-day up and coming in my life is covered. I feel great about that...I wrapped a bunch today and I am just about the best damn present wrapper on that planet. I felt like taking pictures I was so proud of them. Seems a shame it's just paper that will probably be ripped apart without much thought, but that's the whole reason it's got to be done with care...just like gift giving...you don't do it to bring attention to yourself, you to it so they can enjoy it. And if enjoy means destroying what you worked to make, that's what it takes then and you don't feel sad about it a bit. :)

Starting to feel more like Christmas. Not working at Santa's helps. Of course, Christmas makes me feel the most lonely out of all the year (other than my birthday, that can feel pretty fucking lonely too without a pile of friends to make it better). Everyone has someone for Christmas, it seems especially this Christmas. Both my sisters have their life-partners (phrased that way because Miesha and Chris aren't married...yet). Dom's got Kelsie. Dani and Stinna and Teresa all have met the loves of their respective lives. Other than Bre I'm my only single friend, and she's way the fuck out in nowhere's-ville,and consummately a bad match for me (learned, of course, from experience). All I'm saying is, I'll probably be fighting off a bad case of jealous, bitter, miserable single-girl for the next month or so. I've already started feeling it. I don't know what to do to fend it off...I just try to ignore it, just recognize it's there and refuse to let it ruin my life. Yeah, woe is me right? lolz. I don't even know if I WANT to date right now...mostly I don't believe I'll meet someone who really gets me and figures I'm a risk worth taking. This is gonna sound really pathetic, but I don't have much of a faith in anything right now, least of all my ability to attract good and/or good for me people into my life.

Ok, that was kind of a pity-fest. It's late, and I'm all hormoney, and I have an art piece stuck in me that's making me pretty irritable, so I'm not at all concerned that I'll feel this sorry for myself in the morning after some good sleep. But for the moment, I'm glad I'm exhausted, cause thinking about myself is goddamn depressing.

- me

ok so...

I met a girl online today.

I know that online dating is lame. I know it on a level, just like I know that star trek is lame and anime has a great potential to be or to make one lame. But I also feel that the internet can have one of two effects on a person...it either makes you ridiculously, confession-style honest, or you lie a lot because you can. Because this is me, I do the honest thing. I'm like that in real life too, but online I'm even worse. So I end up (maybe that's past tense! Ohhh that'd be nice!) hoping I'll attract a like minded, honest person. Someone who doesn't see the point in lying when there's such a huge gap in space, sometimes in time, between this computer and the one under the hands of whoever's on the other line.

And so I got this message today, and it was intruiging. It was very polite, but genuinely interested, and she sounded...like if I totally ignored her she was prepared for that and that'd be ok, but she would much prefer I contact her. So I went to her page and omg. I could not build a person I would be more interested in I think. That sounds ridiculous but it's true. And it doesn't hurt that she's REALLY beautiful, I mean truly and way out of my league. Like if Angeline Jolie didn't look so plastic and had some of her genes mixed with that beautiful black woman on Fringe and a bit of the actress from resident evil. I was so completely sold on her from reading her bio and all her answers to the standard "getting to know you" questions on there, but then I saw her pictures and felt this cold pit of dread well up in me because she is SO pretty. I had to go back and reread her message where she said she thought I was interesting. It didn't seem possible. I hope my one picture of myself on the site didn't mislead her. And then I noticed she was online! So I messaged her, because I decided what the hell, better attempted than not.

We spent like...3 hours talking online. It was mostly my fault...I appologized for drilling her but she really didn't seem to mind my curiosity and interest. She gave me her number. I'm thinking this thing that just started today could be a really good thing. I'm hoping it's true.

See, I've been reading the Twilight books. They're bad. I mean, they're fantastic because they make my heart beat like a drum and I cry and I hug the book and laugh at it and love the characters. They're bad in that when I finish them, any of them, I can't get out of that romantic funk. The one where I remember that I'm single and have no one to cuddle or tease or kiss. And then I get kind of mopey for a while until I snap out of it. So when this girl messaged me, I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle it if she ended up just blowing me off halfway through the conversation...because from the little I know of her so far, I do really like her, and I didn't want to project all my desire for a big sappy romance onto her unnecessarily. I still don't. Way too early for that. WAY. I know that. But part of me really can't help hoping I get the chance.

So, thank you okcupid! You're not worthless afterall! I've met people through okcupid before, but I've never been quite so...well, I've said all that already. But I'm excited! Like really hopeful and a bit wary but pretty damn excited!

I hate to psych myself out. I would hate to invest too much emotional energy into this and just have it deflate suddenly in front of my eyes. But I'm a wildly emotional person, it's true. And my emotions are all hoping and dreaming and going in girly, gooey little love-struck circles. And that's just fine.

I get this nervous flutter in my chest at the thought of hearing her voice. I wonder what it'll sound like. And if I'll be disappointing in person. My self-esteem in my own appearance is pretty crap these days, but knowing that I AM losing weight and having my new haircut helps. But still, I know I'm not as pretty as I could be and that bothers me. It would really hurt for us to meet and for her to be not attracted to me at all. That would so suck. I know I'm not without my charms though, so if my appearance doesn't impress I'll be damned if I let her walk away without putting in a good effort of winning her over.

This reminds me of when I first met Liz...how I was full of questions for her, baffled by her apparent interest in me, suprised by the feeling that we'd always known eachother and that I could just relax and be my weird, ridiculous self. It's just like that in some ways, but also I feel like I'll get to dig some of her out of herself and that will be fun. I'm currently resisting going back and looking at her profile again. I will not be weird and creepy and stalkerish to this girl that I really don't know at all. I won't. I'm going to control myself and let things progress at their own rate, and play out as they will.

I feel like I'll surprise her a lot and that'll be fun too. This all from just a few hours of conversation, mind you (you mysterious you, you!) and who knows how wrong I might be even just tomorrow.

But for tonight I'm [see above for multiple descriptions]! Mysterious you, hope with me! I'd love someone to love, and to love me too!

<3 Maddie

New Holiday - Obama Day!

I post to celebrate the president elect, Obama, and to wave a (not so) sad farewell to that bastion of the old brigade, McCain.

Adieu, dear John...I shan't miss your lumpy, melty face, your watery eyes, or your frightening political promises, but I will certainly miss your role as dramatic foil to my bff Barak.

I've been afraid for America and sick of the political morass we've been stuck in since highschool. It didn't matter how often I voted, or how often I voiced concerns...Bush still became president and then he was reelected. I watched and listened as gay rights slipped and were undermined by countless bigoted policies. Shocked by the aggression and apparent idiocy of the president, I began to gave up hope in my country. How could the majority of the country have elected this man? The fear-mongering was understandably persuasive, especially following the attacks of 9-11. We needed to trust in someone...but I think we firmly ended up backing a bully. Bush was a good-old boy...I suppose people empathized with him, saw something of the guy down the street in him. The guy down the street who swore, and drank, and had all that trash on his front yard and brought down property values. And threw his garbage over the fence.

But as the primaries began and I began to research the candidates, I fell in love with Obama. I could only love him more if he were female. His policies. His charm. His candor and presidential demenor (even from the getgo) impressed me. I didn't know if he would be able to maintain that cool throughout the inevitably lengthy race to the white house, but I hoped; in part, because he hoped. And when he won the primaries, I did everything I could to not sink all of my hopes into his. I wanted him to win so badly. I began to look at living overseas, in part because I like the idea overall, but also in part to provide an escape route if McBush won.

Two days ago I had a dream that McCain won. It haunted me. I just want so much more from America.

And then, tonight. Tonight, when Obama won. He won. I'm still in shock. The first African-American president. A democrat to overturn the policies of Bush. A first family with two adorable little girls, and Michelle Obama, a force unto herself. It's so awesome.

Now I'm cautious, only in that it seems so good it can't be true. I hope he's got some awesome secret service agents watching everything, protecting him at every turn. Because charismatic leaders in this country have a very poor track record. Lincoln. MLK. JFK. Yeah, you see the common thread there. So I pray for Obama and for his safety - I want him to be able to live his dream, to make so many Americans' dreams a reality.

I don't know if he will keep his promises. I hope he does. I hope he turns out to be the person he appears he could be. And if he isn't...well, nothing can be as bad as Bush was. And that's a bit of sunshine to light my day.

-me