my obsessions

When I was a child, I discovered art the way most kids do. Mom and dad give their kid some crayons or crayola markers (I still love those markers) and kid goes to town. Well, it was then that I started my life of serial obsessions. It seems to have something to do with how I learn. If I become interested in one thing, I get...well, obsessed, and feel like I should try to learn as much as I possibly can. Often I do this until I find something new to consume me, or because I stop myself because it's unhealthy.

Art, however, is perennial for me. It's less a hobby than a language. It is a way to communicate knowledge, imply meaning through forms. It is a subtle thing, and no matter how hard I try, I may be too heavy handed to ever touch the kind of delicacy or passion some masterworkers create. But in my own way, I think I understand what I am doing with my art, and the directions I want to pursue. Art is awesome because I can only get better at it. It's self-motivating. And what's more, it is as natural as breathing - I will see a thing in real life or just in my head, and until it gets on paper the damned thing won't leave me be. Artist's block has happened to me and I can't say how infuriating it is, but even then, I CAN create art...it's just technical practice though. It doesn't say anything.

Anyway, this was all written to kind of talk about fish. I started getting obsessed with fish at the beginning of highschool, if I remember. I had had a fish or two before that, but I hadn't thought it was worth the time. You can't pet fish. But then, in college I wasn't allowed to keep any pets that were petable (besides plants, and I kept and named those too!) so I bought my first bowl, and my first fish. I don't remember if it was a betta or a goldfish, but it was probably a goldfish, and I probably killed it some stupid way. The internet told me that goldfish could live a very long time if the owner just learned all the tricks...water ph, airation, filtration, slime coat, stress, temperature, food. I figured out that fish are like little animal bonsai. It is a matter of micromanaging the environment of the fish, and to an extent the fish itself, in order to make it's life as good and long as possible. And as heartbreaking as it was when any of my fish died (and of course, they all do die eventually. Everything does. C'est la vie) I would learn more about how to keep other fish alive better in the future.

So now I have three bettas. Once, there were four. Gem died two weeks ago or so, and he had always been a sickly fish - I never expected him to live even a month after I bought him. I always thought there was something wrong inside of him. But in any case, there are now three; sushi, maranara, and alfredo.

Sushi is sick - he's floating, nose to the sky/vertically on the surface, and moving very little. He stopped eating about a week ago, and the last time I fed him he nudged his food but it was as though he was blind and he couldn't coordinate to get at the food. I feel so horribly bad for him. I doubt he'll survive the night. He would surely not survive any attempts for me to save him now, like a partial water change, etc. This is the end for sushi, and if he's not dead in the morning, I'll likely flush him just so I don't have to watch him suffer any longer. He was a crazy fish from the time I got him - easily the most aggressive beta I've seen in a cup. Also, a pretty ugly looking fish, as he was clearly a fry bred from a "red white and blue" beta, which have these striped kind of fins...but sushi just got washed out whites, purples, and greys. I loved him, in my way, and I'll miss him. I wish so much there were something I could do to make him better. He has live about a year and a half, and ideally they can live up to five years.

I dream about my fish. I dream I am saving them from death - somehow they've leapt from their bowls and I must put them back in, usually. Or I dream that they have died, and are floating, milky eyed and motionless, smelling horribly of dead fish. I hate these dreams. I hope, by processing some of my feelings about fish, that I won't have one like that tonight about my sushi. I hope the souls of all the fish I have killed forgive me my fumbling attempts to keep them alive.

I've decided, after my two remaining betas, to not keep any pet fish again. It's not that I don't appreciate the knowledge I've gained, or enjoy the company of fish. It's just so depressing when they die, because it is 7 times out of 10 my fault - didn't change the water enough or fed too much or something similar. For sushi it could be any of these.

I want a cat, or a dog. At least they can cuddle with you. I wish I could cuddle with my sushi.