(the prayer of St. Francis is old and beautiful. This version, for it IS a version of sorts, is derived from the musical setting done by Fiona Apple. When I write it THIS WAY, the song plays in my head. (: )




Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

Lord and I would ask of you, that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love

for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.


Even outside of a christian perspective, I believe one could see much of this as true...true in that it is right to seek to foster good things where it seems only painful, negative things are. Not that all the things listed are entirely negative...I would argue that doubt is as healthy and necessary as "faith," both in a spiritual sense and in a more general way. It shows an active, questioning mind to have doubts. It shows a person of conscience and curiosity. All good traits.

In general, though, I've lately been kind of ignoring my spirituality. My focus has been pretty narrow lately...I work hard. I do my best. I spend my free money on things for my dog, on sushi, on medications (apparently) and the application process for TSA. My free time is basically absorbed by interenetting, walks with my dog, playing with Chris and Teresa, and reading. A little tv, but not much. A little wow, but very very little indeed. I haven't supplied myself with much time for introspection...because by keeping busy I've been able to keep my mind mostly off any thoughts of self-pity or boohoos. Really, my health has been difficult lately, and whenever that goes then my mood gets pretty shitty on me. I caught the pig-sick at the beginning of October, and I only felt truly better after 2 1/2 weeks. My PCOS combined with a new birth control to give me a period that lasted a month and a half, so I recently chatted with an OB/GYN to get squared away with a new medication. It's been a real emotional rollercoaster, and I've been trying not to submit other people to it too much. Seriously, hormones. It's bad enough I have to deal with the random crying, angry outbursts, etc. So I've withdrawn some. I know I'll feel better once I finish this cycle and start the new meds.

I am exhausted by the TSA process. Earlier this week I realized how close my deadline is (Dec. 1st) and went to a few places and did some things to further the progress. I am only waiting on my primary care doctor to finish the rest of her paperwork and turn it into billings. I worry that after all the money, time and effort I've put into this process that they will simply reject me on the basis of my medical conditions. I would understand. I am not without my medical baggage. But I think I manage my conditions well. I am a hard worker. I am confident that I could do this job well, if only they would train and place me somewhere. Anywhere.

Despite keeping myself busy, my worried thoughts still sometimes turn to what I really want out of life. I just want to make art and sell it. That's all. Why am I not really doing that? Is it only fear? I am afraid of lots of things. But I am most afraid that at 30 I will still be working some job I don't care terribly about, no money to speak of in savings, no healthcare, and living with mom and dad. That is unacceptable. My current situation is pretty unacceptable too, but I try to keep my head high and look at the good things. I enjoy the company. I like the dogs. My room is comfortable and the meals are delicious. No rent. No utilities. Relative privacy.

But I am an adult. I'm 24. I want my own place, and I'm not too picky right now. The only way to do that is a better job...and the only one on the table is TSA. It might be Brussel sprouts, but it's still food...and maybe it'll be great once I'm in the thick of it.

Yesterday I was hired for a holiday position with Sears Portrait Studios at Washington Square Mall. I'm excited, and nervous, but mostly excited for the challenge of taking new pictures, new ways, and seeing a whole new age-group of smiles. God I love smiling, and having little kids smile back at me. It makes my life. It's what makes being a photographer one of the best jobs on the planet.

I've been writing a story about a werewolf that wants to be a book. It's writing itself in my head, and most of the time I spend driving, waiting in lines, etc is spent thinking about the plot and characters.

I'm trying to keep myself motivated and laughing at life. I feel balanced on the edge of a good long hermiting spell, but I'm trying to stay out of it. I get sad when I do that.

I hope that this "progress" in my life; with completing more TSA forms, with getting the new job, are all reality and not build up for an even bigger let down. I am trying to believe in myself.

I am trying.

- me

dreams for the night of Nov. 6th

Dream 1

I had been wandering a long time through the woods, and come upon this nice village. I thought the people were really charming, and they had a wonderful church that I started to attend. That one really enthusiastic televangelical preacher was the pastor, and I slowly came to realize that it wasn’t just a church, it was a cult where people were shunned if they didn’t attend, and kept strictly in line. Many feared for their lives or livelihoods’ if they didn’t do exactly as the pastor told them to. I grew furious, and rebellious. I stood up in the middle of the sermon and called out the preacher. He insisted that I could now no longer be part of their congregation and that I must leave the village. I remember shouting “fuck this shit!” and I said I wanted to go, that what they were doing was wrong. I tried to plead with many of the people as I left but they were too frightened to meet my eyes and the preacher was loudly preaching so that my words were drowned out. One little girl did speak to me, in earnest, but as she was too young to run away on her own I didn’t speak back to her, only smiled. If I had spoken to her it would have damned her in the eyes of the congregation. I gathered my things, and left, head held high and eager to see where the winds of fortune would take me. I felt really sad for the town, but that there wasn’t anything I could do for them and should just move on.

Dream 2

Sitting at a table alone, and my attention is at some point drawn behind me. There’s a guy sitting there, by himself, and he’s very handsome. He smiles kindly at me. Then he acts as though he has to go, because we’re the only two there, and he doesn’t want to intrude on my solitude. I assured him “oh no, please don’t go. You seem nice, and plus it doesn’t hurt that you’re so good looking.” He laughs at my candor and we settle in together and just chat. It’s nice to watch his face, but while I had my head down to get a forkful of food he begins to stutter on a word. Later he does it again, and he seems to be becoming increasingly nervous. I assure him that I don’t mind his stutter, that he can take as long as he needs to find his words. He is very embarrassed but he appreciates what I’ve said. We begin to talk about England, because that’s where he’s from. I say shyly that I am trying to save up so that I can go there, but that I only have 1000 dollars so far. He smiles at me, but not in a condescending way. Inside I berate myself for not being able to save more money than that at this point.
Suddenly someone in a different room is shouting the name Jeffery over and over again, as if they’re looking for someone. The guy I’ve been talking to looks like he wants to duck under the table, but I just laugh at him and go seek out the people calling his name. In a different, even fancier room a small personal table and chair have been set out, and a ridiculously extravagant meal laid out on it. To the left of the table is a manservant holding a red wine in his hands, to the right is a female waiter holding a main dish with its silver domed lid. Jeffery, the man I met, must be rich as all fuck! The help in the room look at me with sneering faces, and I go back to the room where Jeffery is, feeling contemplative.

Dream 3

In the depths of hell (which aren’t so bad, really, if you’re made of fire too). Many things happen but I can’t remember them. Mostly I remember that I have a viewing screen, and with it I can travel throughout hell. It has a button on it that lets me advance the screen one frame in whatever direction, and if you hold it down you move quickly, just like a movie, wherever you’d like to go. There is a creature in Hell that I am documenting, in a Wild Kingdom sort of way.

my plan for tomorrow:

wake up. Not as difficult as it usually is, I assume, as i am incomprehensibly tired RIGHT NOW and it's not even 2 am. You may say, "but that is quite late indeed." And oh, perhaps you are right. But you have not been living my voodoo twilight zone sleep schedule the last week or so, and 2 am seems like 10 pm to me! It's a relief. I think my sleep trouble has been aided and abetted by the forces of dust in my room...i lay down on my bed, and immediately STUFF UP. All up in my nose parts. Very unpleasant.

Following waking up (a very important step!) I plan to get up, clean myself, eat a small food item, and then clean my room. I want to clean my room...I look at it right now, and i think, "I can do better." Indeed, I CAN. I am 150% sure this will happen. SO, that then.

THEN buy mums for mom. (85% sure)

THEN purchase ingredients for...



...HOMEMADE BLACKBERRY OR CHERRY OR RASPBERRY ICECREAM.

now, climb aboard my train of thought here. I was visiting a lovely site I daily enjoy, The Pioneer Woman, and was instantly enamored with her blackberry ice cream. It doesn't help that she takes such luscious pictures. The ice cream just cried out to me in the language of ice cream, challenging me to master it, and then perhaps consume it. I am 65% I will make this happen. Why so low a percentage?

Weather.

It may be raining, and will at the least be drearily overcast. The last few days the weather has been icky warm. I'm not much one for the heat. At all. OH FIE! IF ONLY THIS ICE CREAM HAD CALLED TO ME EARLIER I COULD HAVE ENJOYED IT AND SCOFFED AT THE FURIOUS HOT SUN RAYS! But no. The ice cream has come to me now...and if it's just too cold and dreary, i might prefer a good blanket/book experience, or the company of my charcoals. But still...the ice cream. It has such a sweet siren song. And really, follow that link. JUST LOOK AT IT.

Here in the Ebacher house we have no fancy, machine-driven nonsense when it comes to our ice cream fabrications unit. All hand cranking. We WORK for our calories, and that's how we like it. Your arm is sore from all that cranking? You've been cranking for over an hour and a half now? Well good. Because your reward is nothing less than ice cream. Wouldn't electricity and laziness just take all the fun out of that? Don't argue with me. It would. So that's the workout I look forward to, if such plans come to fruition.

In other news I (with the assistance of my friend Brittany) cleaned the kitchen. Bleached the grout. Cleaned and organized glass, metal, tupperware and msc. cabinets. Tackled mountains of mugs. Scrubbed suspicious looking black spots. Rearranged kitchen magnets. Swept. Ultimately, I believe I was possessed by some deity of domestic order. It was hard work, but the satisfying result made my day.

Did I mention I baked blueberry muffins this morning, and made some seriously good oatmeal? I did that too.

IDK. I like this stuff.

- me

flock of dreams from night of 5/25

(female) I dreamt that I had some kind of control over solid matter, like telekenesis, only when I used my power and controlled the movement of a thing it would also make it briefly sentient, able to problem solve, and would become a kind of servant to me. I controlled a banister and made it bend in a different direction than it had been originally laying, and when I did it also wrapped itself around the midsection of a bad person to control them. I have no memory of the context – why I was on the staircase, why there were bad guys behind me, etc. However I remember that I did feel irritated and frustrated with life – like people didn’t appreciate me or my power and I was just leaving them al and better nobody get in my way.

(female) In another dream I was speaking with a girl from my sorority, she looked a bit like Kristin Wampach or Sierra Gale (popular girls in my middle and high schools) but as a member of her sorority she treated me as her equal. I came up with the idea of a fancy dress ball – period costumes only, (they would have to be tailor made for each individual guest, but we were embers of an elite sorority on an expensive college campus and that would not be an issue) and each guest would be encouraged to donate a sum of money to the sorority. We would have people who would maintain proper distance between guests, and classes beforehand to teach eager guests how to dance the dances that would be required. Sierra/Kristin seemed open to the idea, and we continued to debate it (and I continued to think about it). If I had a billion katrillion dollars I would wear beautiful, fancy, tailor made dresses everyday I think. For the novelty of it, and for vanity as well I’m sure. As we were preparing for the fancy dress party later we were moving a desk, and I was told that the kid from the Shining had left a small, patchwork square hanging from a metal pipe along the bottom of the desk. This patchwork square had been the real source of his finger-friend’s powers, his own powers, and he had always kept it in his fist when the finger guy was talking, or in his pocket. I didn’t want to look at the thing for fear I would then have his powers!

(male) In a separate dream I was in some form or another of “olden days,” and had been cared for by a strange, shy, balding thin man dressed in red at his inn by the wharf. I was explaining that I was a blood elf merman. He was explaining how such a thing seemed totally impossible to him, him being a man of science of some kind. I thanked him for his hospitality (I felt well and fit, although I had been unconscious when he had found me) and leapt into the water off the dock. When I surfaced I had a tail and fins on my arms, gills, and a sparkly red and black scaled pattern across the whole of my body. My former caretaker was flabbergasted and waved as I swam off. I dove down very deep and surfaced by a great cathedral (like notre dame) and then transformed back into my human form. I walked into the cathedral and transformed back after I leapt into their enormous baptismal font. This font is one of very few enterances into the hidden high-seat of the merpeople, of which I am a member of the court. Once I had descended to the very bottom of the aquifer another merperson, this one female, greeted me enthusiastically. I’d been away for some time, and was an important member of the court.

(male) In another dream I was driving a contraption that Chris had made, that was kind of like a dune buggy, but involved a laundry basket as the seat. I was chasing a woman who had a high speed flying machine that had no wings or obvious propulsion, it just looked like a long H, where she put her feet on one set of spokes and held on with her arms on the other. She fired a pistol directly at my head, and I took the shot, and my vehicle spun out. I had been going through some kind of transition into an insectoid/human hybrid, and so I came back to life and peeled off the outer layer of my face (the outer layer had turned black and the under layer was again, just normal looking human tissue). I told the angry bag girl that it felt good to get that layer off, it had made it difficult to breathe when I had it on. I laughed at her and we continued our pursuit. Throughout this dream I looked like the actor who played in Iron Man.

(female) I am Olivia Benson and Stable and I are on an investigation of a child-sized but not child-minded murderer. He has trapped us in a warehouse and planned our deaths, which for some reason we acquiesce to. I think the murderer threatened to kill our families if we didn’t kill ourselves. Stabler asks that instead of being drowned in a foamy mess (apparently this was our predestined fate) he be drowned in kerosene. We walked into a room and there were several bottles of foam (kind of like shaving foam!) shooting in arcs close together, maybe 10 or so. So I started my drowning, and got high in the process because the fumes of the foam were like that. Stabler pretended to go unconscious in the kerosene but he knew at a certain point that the murderer would stop watching and he would then help me to escape. So we did that, but I was still high (which is what he was trying to avoid – us BOTH being high would mean neither of us would be clearheaded enough to aid in escape) and we continued our pursuit of the bad guy!

Things influencing this dream:
I mentioned how much I think Olivia Benson is hot, just yesterday. I have been thinking about Victorian dresses and the Victorian era for the last couple days, and how much I would like a tailor-made dress. Blood Elves are in WOW. That's all I got.

last night's dream - reisistance to a totalitarian state! <3

Dream 5.4.09

I’m a young boy. The world I live in is strictly controlled by the government, and only a minority of the population is aware of their schemes and misdirection. Since I was born I had been a questioner, and people who question rarely live long, they’re supposed to be put in their place. But I was sheltered by my friend Madge, who was the same age as me, a short, ugly girl who was painfully intelligent. She protected me in all things. She believed I was destined for something very important. We had two other friends who were beautiful people that were allied with our cause, good for grunt work, but a little dim. The government did all it could to make you stupid.

At some point I finally got found out and captured. They sent me to a strange location in the middle of our capital city – they launched me away in a rocket! I was unconscious at the beginning of the launch but as I ascended I saw out the window that the whole city was built around this small, burnt impact crater that had since been used as our town square. I believe that aliens had taken control of our society. These “aliens” are from Earth’s dimension, and the world of this boy and Madge and all them is a different one.

Madge continued on as a leader of the resistance. The next time we see her she is at a meeting of resistors, speaking at a podium. She talks about how she is a business woman who in her spare time fixes clocks, and the government allows her to continue because she plays her part well. Someone asks about the boy (me) and she speaks gently and reverently of me. She believes I’ll return, that I’m destined to be the savior of this world, and to lead the resistance. Madge is clever and brave, but her health is weak – she is often hospitalized, and frequently is in a wheelchair. The head of the revolution must be physically strong as well as mentally and spiritually, so she attests. Soon he’ll return.

We (as the viewpoint is now omnipresent) follow home one of the resistance; she’s some kind of lemur I think (apparently talking, conscious animals are part of this dimension). He’s swinging through the trees and we see that there are some of his old friends who are trying to capture him, to turn him in. He swings and we see the faces and reaching arms of them. From tree to tree he flees. He is eventually captured, and as they’re discussing how best to kill him he overhears a conversation about the Boy. The King of this government (for it’s apparently a monarchy) is discussing how the Boy did survive his ordeal, but that he has landed somewhere that the King cannot reach. His assassins, who are Wolves, will not go where the boys is for “the woods there are much wilder” and they are afraid when they enter. I think the boy has landed in earth’s dimension, and that he is protected there, and is being primed to return to this one. The resistor-lemur who was captured feels elation and vindication, and resolves to escape so that he can relate this news.

That’s all I got.

Things influencing this dream: Last night I watched Finding Neverland again, so a young boy protagonist seems pretty natural. Madge reminded me some of the costume designer lady in The Incredibles (except for my dream wasn't animated - and I HAVE had dreams in animation). Parts of this dream remind me of a dream I had a long time ago about a whole world of talking animals with super abilities, so perhaps my subconscious isn't letting that one go and would like me to work it out as a proper story. I seem to dream more on nights where I fall asleep unhappy too; I was feeling lonely and disappointed in myself last night, and so I think my mind gives me dreams like this to distract me. The inside of the rocket reminds me of how I imagined the inside of the rocket on it's way to the mushroom planet in The Wonderful Flight to the Mushroom Planet (a book that Dom loves and owns). Madge being able to fix clocks makes me think of Sylar from Heroes, and I just told Chris and Teresa that I haven't watched all season. The Wolves looked like The Nothing from Neverending Story 2.

Dream 4/25/09

So I had some of the saddest dreams ever last night (4.25.09)

The dream that made the biggest impression on me: I started out in my parent’s house – but it’s not the same house as this one. Instead it has some wall to wall rugs, and is pretty damn charming. I wish I lived there, really. A bunch of relatives come to stay because someone (maybe Mara…lol, again) is getting married. Not me. And I’ve helped them clean in a massive, massive way so that the house is the best it’s ever been. Uncle Brian and Aunt Vicky are some of the relatives over to stay, and they brought with them a big orange mane coon, Who’s name is Aster or Caster or something like that. He greets the day by leaping on his hind legs for a while wherever he’s going. It’s adorable, but strange, and a little frightening because he’s unpredictable and could launch himself at you unexpectedly for pets…claws out. But Aster is leaping down the hallway toward me and then past me, the hallway with a long reddish rug all the way down it. It’s not a frightening hallway, not creepy and cavernous, there’s a ¾ wall that opens into the well-lit kitchen, which is getting all the morning sun.

I’m in the hallway (still?) later that afternoon, and clouds have moved in. I’m talking to someone who is a stranger to me, and there is an older woman too, who looks like Maude from the Golden Girls. The stranger is my age or a tiny bit older, female, very attractive to me and not in an unapproachable way. I feel shy around her. It’s at this point I realize we’re not really in 2009, but possibly in the 1800’s because we’re all in period dress. Maude is cooking something on the stove (onions?) in a big metal pot and the young woman is helping her. I’m shyly making conversation when it starts to rain. It looks like rain. The kitchen windows are wide open but it seems like we don’t have glass in those windows, the rain just comes in. But it’s not rain, it’s pellets of rock, hot rocks like from a volcano. They’re painful when they hit you, and so I duck behind on of the only places where the pellets can’t seem to reach. I’m kind of outside, but under an overhang, and just protected enough by the wall that the pellets can’t reach me. I call to the young stranger, but she looks at Maude, who seems to strongly disapprove of me. I am trying to assure her that I’m safe, that I’m alright, and the young woman seems to want to believe me, but the older woman’s obvious disapproval prevents her from joining me. I realize that young woman is the bride in this time period, suddenly, with a mix of shame and relief that I didn’t do anything to make an ass out of myself.

A second part to the dream, or possibly an entirely new dream: I’m at school, and we’re at something like a sock hop. The gym we're in reminds me of JDZ's gym. I’ve gone with what seem to be the only lesbian couple, but they’re not known that way because Tora, the butchy dyke of the couple, passes easily as a male and doesn’t bother to correct people when they misidentify her gender. Julia is blonde, of average height and slight build, and wears a beautiful dress. Tora wears clothes like a gangster, baggy pants, shirt with writing on it and a big logo on the front, but her face – even in the dream – reminds me strongly of Bre. I’m very attracted to Tora, but recognize that she’s happily settled with Julia. We’re all twenty-somethings, and yet we’re also in school together, apparently high school. Torah sings Julie a love song in between two dances. I feel happy for them, but sad that I have no one of my own.

Suddenly a rich punk lunges at me. He takes me by the hair and pushes me down, slapping my face, then my back as I turn away in fear. I get angry and I turn around and fight back. The whole time he’s saying things like “dirty faggot” etc, things to hurt me that only do in a distant way. I see his face twisted in stupid anger and yet joy at the violence he’s inflicting. (This scene reminds me of Jane Eyre, which I'm currently reading - the fight between Jane and John near the beginning of the book) A principal comes and seperates us – Rich guy get’s off scott free and I’m being told I’ll be suspended for this. I’m taken to the principal’s office.

In an attempt to explain myself, I say this:

“Sir, that guy, think what his life will be like? He’s rich, his family is. He’ll go to a good school and meet a beautiful wife and have beautiful children and have a beautiful, blessed life. And what will happen to me? I’m poor. I’m a lesbian which is why I keep getting in fights. I probably won’t find someone for me, I won’t marry. I probably won’t make it to my 30th birthday.” He listens to this, and says he’ll forgive my behavior today but not to get in any further trouble. But my own admission – that I’ll be alone and die that way, still young – haunts me and I wake with the saddest feeling ever in my gut. I never guess that any part of my subconscious felt so damn self-pitying about the whole gay thing.

As I woke, I had a final dream, and it was so brief yet it made an impression. There are two knights on a desolate battlefield, armed with swords and shields. One is black and one is dark green, but they look nearly the same in the moonlight. They are fighting bitterly, and I realize they’ve been fighting this way forever, since time began. The black knight slays the green (or is it the other way around? There’s no way to tell yet I want to know, as though it matters) and he falls on the ground. He lies very still, and the metal of his armor erodes away to dust. From that dust emerges a knight exactly the same as the one who died, but his armor shines more in the light. He takes up the fight again.

Strange dreams. Night of 4/25/09

Things that influenced these dreams: the actress who played Maude on Golden Girls died yesterday. Reading Jane Eyre, which is all from the point of view of a clever, but bitter protagonist that is continually victimized (so far, I'm only half done!), and that was kind of the theme of the dreams, excluding the final vignette. As I was waking I must have briefly glanced at my bookshelf; box set for Narnia has a picture of a knight in black and a boy in blue/green fighting with swords and I carried that back to my mini-dream. Also last night Brittany and I were talking about the liklihood of me being a victim of a senseless hate-crime, and I argued that I'm less likely to be targeted than a black man, because at least I'm not obviously gay ALL the time, wheras he's always obviously black. But just thinking about getting attacked for being gay must have disturbed me enough for it to leek into my dreams.

When I woke I felt very very sad, but I've been working on cheering myself up. Really, it's silly for me to feel bad about my lot, and who says I'll never meet the right girl? I might. And I have family and friends, they wouldn't let me die out in the cold, and even if I DID end up single the rest of my life...I have those same family and friends, it's not as though there isn't warmth or joy in my life as I am.

<3 Maddie

Hang On, Little Tomato

There's so much to write about. I often get overwhelmed when I'm about to start a journal entry...I think about those who read my journal (mostly family, and a friend or two) and what they may or may not care to hear about. What it might be uncomfortable for others to read. It's always difficult for me to refrain from censoring myself too heavily. But journals are supposed to be for me, for my benefit, right? I feel divided on the issue. Because of this, I'm going to brush past some things, and you (dear reader) will probably notice the absence. Know that I'm privately journalling my feelings elsewhere (in an actual paper journal - how retro of me, I know!) and that I don't omit treating these issues online because I don't care...just that some laundry doesn't need to be aired in public, I guess.

So what AM I willing to share? Well, I'm in-between relationships. That is the kindest way to put it. I met a girl named Brittany, who is beautiful and interesting and kind, but not right for me right now for many reasons. Reasons that I am allowing to prevent me from dating her, but not prevent me from being friends. She's not out. She's too young for me (but of legal age, let's make that clear, lol). Other reasons too, but those are the main ones. Our friendship is a careful one on my part. We like eachother, and it seems she likes me enough that she's willing to put up with my limitations...no kissing, no non-friend contact, but getting to know eachother and be friends in a proper sense instead of just strangers that the internet magically connected. We communicate a lot, and that really helps us stay honest about how we feel about that. I've told her I won't hold her down...that she has no obligation to me, but she seems pretty sold on getting to know me and is very stubborn for her cause. And it's good, so far, and maybe especially tonight. We saw a movie together, and we were close, but it was relaxed and fun and freeing in a way I can't pin down.

Some friends drift away, and others are coming close again. Bre and I are in better phone contact and actually SAW one another face to face just last week. She's still very important to me, and I'm glad we're getting more involved in eachother's lives again. We talked tonight about life and the choices we make in living it, about relationships (our own and others), about our hangups and kinks. It's always good to hear her voice. I smile so big when I see her name on my phone.

Dani and I are about the same, and though it makes me sad to see so little of her (once a month or so), I understand how school can consume you. The same with my Stinna. Chris and Teresa are as close to me as ever and I count them as dear and trusted friends. Roni and I have recently been texting eachother more, and it's surprising and delightful to know that we've actually started to become true friends. Isn't the internet wonderful? I wouldn't have met her without its help. However, it's basically the only way that I stay in any semblance of contact with Dezi, Steve, Caitlin and Matt. They are all slowly drifting away from me, on their own paths, and although this makes me sad sometimes I also understand. Some people's paths run beside yours for longer periods of time than others. That's ok.

(sigh) I do have so much more to say, in way other veins. This post has been all about relationships, but I've overlooked more basic things...my apple seedlings are doing well in the yard - they overwintered beautifully and are full of leaves. I don't know how to protect them from insects, or how to fertilize them, but hopefully my brother and the internet will help. I still hope to bonzai one of them. I'm still employed with lifetouch, and though the hours are pretty poor (18 this week, ouch) I love what I do and it's enough to make my bills. I bought a new laptop for myself. Macbook Pro 17"...beautiful. Perfect. I love it far more than should, it being a mere piece of technology and all. Also I've fully fallen off the wagon as far as the gym goes, but it becons.

As far as my health goes, it's alright. I've gotten twitchy twitchy legs that bug me most nights. I'm seeing the doctor next week to talk about it. My morning headaches are still an issue, but I bought new pillows tonight to see if that doesn't help. Here's hoping it does.

That's all I'm offering tonight - exhausted, but very content (although twitchy, grumble grumble) I'm off to try and sleep. I love you.

- ME

A Month and A Few Days Later

I'm laying in my filthy pigsty of a room, with my tiny dog asleep on the blankets beside me. Her cuteness cannot be exceeded. I'm happy in my warm room. I'm happy to have my tiny dog with me.

I had a pretty good day. I woke up initially with a headache...something that's happened a couple times this week. My dreams have been...disconcerting, which can't help the morning headaches. But from the moment I opened my eyes I could see the sun in my window and hear the birds making their morning racket and it was clearly going to be a good day. Better than the rest, this week.

I cleaned the kitchen and family room, listening to my music at blaring volume and singing along. Oh it was good. Then I took Bean and Baccio to the park which they LOVED. We played and socialized with people and dogs for two hours. Left just as the sun was starting to think about setting.

The cold is creeping in my open window now, sky dark with twilight. Looking around...I know how I'm spending the rest of my night. This room will be put to rights!

Yesterday I went on a hike/walk into the woods on the other side of the hill. Not all of the hill is developed yet, and there is a wandering thing in me that needs to go down barely marked trails behind new developments leading who knows where. Turns out the answer to the where was next to Church of the Nazarene at the bottom of the hill. I was surprised, but pleased to know where I was in the end, so the hike back up wasn't too difficult. Hiking in the woods was such fun especially with Bean walking along with me, getting her pretty coat covered in mud, and just as happy anyway. She's a good hiking dog - sticks to the trail, stays close but not underfoot (too much). I took a few pictures that I'll put up later tonight...after my room is where I want it to be.

I feel happy and hopeful for the first time this week. The economy and my very own money situation has been getting me down...but neither of those situations will be improved by a sour disposition I guess. If I look at things with a bit more of a Buddhist eye toward my wants and desires, this recession won't feel quiet as painful for me at least. My needs will be met...others aren't as lucky I know.

So that's just a LITTLE update, afterall. Still single, but today it doesn't hurt too bad. I'm working again with Lifetouch and am bummed that I'll have to get an additional part-time job to supplement the income from that. Less hours than I thought I'd get. I hope I can manage to get a second job, alot of people don't even have ONE. I don't feel too picky though, as long as it's not something that violates my morals (ie, NO MC DONALDS, lol). I play a lot at Chris and Teresa's house, and on WOW. Those are probably my primary forms of entertainment other than TV. I'm still keeping up my activity level, still losing weight and keeping track of it. Next gym day is Monday! <3

That's about it. Today's been a good day.

- me