I love how things end up balancing out over time.
Last night I had a wonderful night chilling with CT, watching movies and cuddling on my bed (and in my bed) in my room at grandmas. It was a truely lovely time, AND I finished my journal entry for Kaster ontime, and sent it to him. I'm doing alright there.
Today we woke eachother up at 10 (I had woken up at 9:30...my room a was cold and I was coughing I guess!) and we went to Kay's Kitchen for a hearty breakfast - her a really tasty chicken sandwich and me an omlette with hashbrowns. I rediscovered the Carpenters on my way to there and back, and it gives me an unspeakible joy.
I need to send mom and dad my dates so that they can plan my plane now, and they can still buy reasonably affordible tickets.
Today I homework until my eyeballs fall out. I'm gonna ROCK this. On monday my CD mod class starts, and I'm excited about that too!
In a cheery, I'm trying to turn things around and appear to be succeeding mood! Yay!
(fin)
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Fucking Hell
SO, kind of a fucked up day. That's how I'm feeling.
I wake up - later than I should, but earlier than yesterday - and go to michaels to buy art supplies. I figure this will cheer me up. It does a little, as does the art I make.
Then CT asks me over for dinner, which I ate and LOVED it was so good, my first food of the day. I'm feeling pretty nice. And she's had a little tiff with her roomate, so I say why not come over to my grandma's place and we'll watch movies. She's in. We rent lesbian movies: Better Than Chocolate, Boys Don't Cry, and a foreign film named Producing Adults.
She cuddles up in my bed, which is adorible. I'm having so much trouble with her - she gives me NOTHING but MIXED SIGNALS. Does she want to be only friends now in a purely plutonic sense of the word? Maybe yeah. I'd be ok with that, I'd have to adjust to it, but alright. But it's not like I tried to kiss her or anything; I'm not stupid and if I don't get a good "kiss me" vibe, I don't go for it. Maybe that's just me. It HURTS to know she's not attracted to me. I know that I know that I know that and it's just not going to change. Maybe she recently thought it through too, and realized she didn't want to be with someone she's not attracted to. Genius.
But in any case, she left after that first movie - not even 11 yet. I drove her home. If she wanted me to play a game and beg her to stay and be with me all night, I wasn't going to. And I wasn't going to confess my love - jeez, I've already DONE that. You think I'd take the hint!!! I think to myself, maybe she was never into me at all and I imagined it, but then I think about the way she kissed me...she kisses so different and so much more wonderfully than anyone I've ever kissed before. I've not wanted so badly to kiss a girl before in my whole life I think. But I drove her home, and she seemed...fine. Just herself. Like this wasn't a statement, she's just being a friend.
Ok. You just want to be friends. I get it. That's what today said to me. Alright.
But I get home, and decide hey, I'll watch a lesbian movie that will make me feel a little less like blah shit. SO I put in the foreign one, Producing Adults, and it's HORRIBLY DEPRESSING. Like, unloving and unsatisfying relationships, people doing tons of stuff behind eachother's backs, a failed lesbian romance that just gets worse and worse...everything that really happens that I dispise. The GAMES. And I finish that, and am like...gee, that sucked. I'll go onto deviantart and see if anyone has said anything nice.
And I've recieved a message. It's from a deviant I assocaite with online, and we comment on eachother's work and stuff. I had offered to send her a teeshirt that my club on campus is making, which might have a design I drew on it. Her response to this was "No thanks, I don't give my address to strangers."
Well, we're not exactly strangers, that's a bit harsh. I understand the sentiment; neither do I, I just thought I'd offer. But she certianly could have said that a hell of a lot nicer, and it couldn't have caught me at a worse time.
So yeah. A bit of a fucked up night, and feeling rejected and alone mostly.
Fuck this. I HATE how I've been feeling about myself for the past weeks; worthless, useless, unnecessary, incapable. I've been depressed. There's just no point to anything anymore. I haven't been to church in 2 weeks. It all, just everything in my life, sucks so much. I hate it. I just don't believe I'm capable of change. I don't think I can do it. I don't know why I ever try.
(fin)
I wake up - later than I should, but earlier than yesterday - and go to michaels to buy art supplies. I figure this will cheer me up. It does a little, as does the art I make.
Then CT asks me over for dinner, which I ate and LOVED it was so good, my first food of the day. I'm feeling pretty nice. And she's had a little tiff with her roomate, so I say why not come over to my grandma's place and we'll watch movies. She's in. We rent lesbian movies: Better Than Chocolate, Boys Don't Cry, and a foreign film named Producing Adults.
She cuddles up in my bed, which is adorible. I'm having so much trouble with her - she gives me NOTHING but MIXED SIGNALS. Does she want to be only friends now in a purely plutonic sense of the word? Maybe yeah. I'd be ok with that, I'd have to adjust to it, but alright. But it's not like I tried to kiss her or anything; I'm not stupid and if I don't get a good "kiss me" vibe, I don't go for it. Maybe that's just me. It HURTS to know she's not attracted to me. I know that I know that I know that and it's just not going to change. Maybe she recently thought it through too, and realized she didn't want to be with someone she's not attracted to. Genius.
But in any case, she left after that first movie - not even 11 yet. I drove her home. If she wanted me to play a game and beg her to stay and be with me all night, I wasn't going to. And I wasn't going to confess my love - jeez, I've already DONE that. You think I'd take the hint!!! I think to myself, maybe she was never into me at all and I imagined it, but then I think about the way she kissed me...she kisses so different and so much more wonderfully than anyone I've ever kissed before. I've not wanted so badly to kiss a girl before in my whole life I think. But I drove her home, and she seemed...fine. Just herself. Like this wasn't a statement, she's just being a friend.
Ok. You just want to be friends. I get it. That's what today said to me. Alright.
But I get home, and decide hey, I'll watch a lesbian movie that will make me feel a little less like blah shit. SO I put in the foreign one, Producing Adults, and it's HORRIBLY DEPRESSING. Like, unloving and unsatisfying relationships, people doing tons of stuff behind eachother's backs, a failed lesbian romance that just gets worse and worse...everything that really happens that I dispise. The GAMES. And I finish that, and am like...gee, that sucked. I'll go onto deviantart and see if anyone has said anything nice.
And I've recieved a message. It's from a deviant I assocaite with online, and we comment on eachother's work and stuff. I had offered to send her a teeshirt that my club on campus is making, which might have a design I drew on it. Her response to this was "No thanks, I don't give my address to strangers."
Well, we're not exactly strangers, that's a bit harsh. I understand the sentiment; neither do I, I just thought I'd offer. But she certianly could have said that a hell of a lot nicer, and it couldn't have caught me at a worse time.
So yeah. A bit of a fucked up night, and feeling rejected and alone mostly.
Fuck this. I HATE how I've been feeling about myself for the past weeks; worthless, useless, unnecessary, incapable. I've been depressed. There's just no point to anything anymore. I haven't been to church in 2 weeks. It all, just everything in my life, sucks so much. I hate it. I just don't believe I'm capable of change. I don't think I can do it. I don't know why I ever try.
(fin)
Sunday, October 15, 2006
The Poem That Arises...
...from an interesting relationship THING I'm experiencing.
there are girls whose roots are tangled
with my meandering hands
and I’ve forgotten to be cautious
and that somehow that’s endearing
who ask me if I’ll dance with them
a little bit too close
who tease me back, who touch me back
who I frustrate into frenzy
I’m lucky and I know it
though the whole world fell to pieces
outside our arboretum
I couldn’t feel the leaves
I only fell to sleep
we’ve created our own time zone
it is Spring between my legs
and when I choose (I’ll have to choose)
and when the seasons catch up
You’ll see
the trees won’t be able to tell us
apart
...........
These girls, these lovely lovely girls! Yes, my situation with these three lovely girls is what gives me all the joy in my life right now. Everything outside of it is falling apart; my internship situation, my registration status, home life with Grandma, everything basically. But each girl gives me hope, and awakes me to parts of myself I had nearly forgotten.
Liz is my rock. Liz is there for me, and that's right back too. This is love without an end - and as cheesy as that sounds even to me I know it to be true. We've been together in one form or another for 3 years now. For the last year and a half we've been in different states, and still we call or text almost every day. She wants me, flaws and all. She's seen everything about me, and taken it in stride. And equally I've been trying to do the same with her; I recognize her flaws, but in the long run, they don't really matter. I feel as though if everything really does go to hell in a handbasket, I can go to Ohio and fuck, I could raise goats with her. And we would love eachother all the more. My complicated love life does not worry her; we're open.
CY is water to me. She is lucid, and I'm new for her. I could die the way she smiles at me. I could die how much I want to taste her lips! And for how little we've touched, it feels unbelievably right. I don't need to impress her, and she knows it's the same back. I've known her for nearly as long as I've known Liz. CY does not share her hidden, inner thoughts much. She is often very introverted, introspective, and what does come out of her mouth is always precious. She is unbelievably endering. Sometimes I wonder how much she might want from me; do I really seem attractive to her? She only haltingly touches me, but this could just be her shyness and self-control taking over. It was the same for me! I want to lay the whole world at her feet, to cover her with kisses, to satisfy her entirely. I want to lay with her and never get up again. I want to go with her to concerts, and proof-read her papers, and learn Japanese from her. I think we would have what it takes.
CT is fire to me. She is loyal to herself alone as far as I can tell, although she has expressed to me how much she wants me as her friend, as she doesn't feel she has many right now. I am unsure of how much she really desires me, or merely how much she knows I desire her, and this reflection is bright enough to blind her. I am not convinced she is actually attracted to me at all; but she enjoys teasing, and being teased, and touching, and being touched. She allows me to worship her. I have rarely know anyone so unbelievably, heart-stoppingly GORGEOUS in my life. And sexy. She knows how to drive a girl (or boy, for that matter) perfectly insane. She enjoys this. I have sworn off her many times, but I always come back. She knows she weakens me, she wears off the edges of my bad moods, she turns me on, and she will 'o wisps away. Her energy is boundless. She has put a spell on me that I am not interested in breaking. I want to drive her WILD. I want to see what she is hiding. She makes me evil too.
These are the girls in my REAL life.
There is also a girl, who lives far away, who I may never meet, but already adore. She does not realize she is beautiful. She's smarter than me. She has impeccable taste in music; a trait we may or may not share. I hope we get to stay friends for a while - I have lost friends on the internet several times, and it is always a little blow to my heart.
...my girls. My LUCK! I wonder what they see, when they look at me? I only have my own two eyes. But this is a little world I have built, independant of the life-altering struggle I live outside it. This is a little garden oasis for me. I have never been so content with anything in my whole life.
(fin)
there are girls whose roots are tangled
with my meandering hands
and I’ve forgotten to be cautious
and that somehow that’s endearing
who ask me if I’ll dance with them
a little bit too close
who tease me back, who touch me back
who I frustrate into frenzy
I’m lucky and I know it
though the whole world fell to pieces
outside our arboretum
I couldn’t feel the leaves
I only fell to sleep
we’ve created our own time zone
it is Spring between my legs
and when I choose (I’ll have to choose)
and when the seasons catch up
You’ll see
the trees won’t be able to tell us
apart
...........
These girls, these lovely lovely girls! Yes, my situation with these three lovely girls is what gives me all the joy in my life right now. Everything outside of it is falling apart; my internship situation, my registration status, home life with Grandma, everything basically. But each girl gives me hope, and awakes me to parts of myself I had nearly forgotten.
Liz is my rock. Liz is there for me, and that's right back too. This is love without an end - and as cheesy as that sounds even to me I know it to be true. We've been together in one form or another for 3 years now. For the last year and a half we've been in different states, and still we call or text almost every day. She wants me, flaws and all. She's seen everything about me, and taken it in stride. And equally I've been trying to do the same with her; I recognize her flaws, but in the long run, they don't really matter. I feel as though if everything really does go to hell in a handbasket, I can go to Ohio and fuck, I could raise goats with her. And we would love eachother all the more. My complicated love life does not worry her; we're open.
CY is water to me. She is lucid, and I'm new for her. I could die the way she smiles at me. I could die how much I want to taste her lips! And for how little we've touched, it feels unbelievably right. I don't need to impress her, and she knows it's the same back. I've known her for nearly as long as I've known Liz. CY does not share her hidden, inner thoughts much. She is often very introverted, introspective, and what does come out of her mouth is always precious. She is unbelievably endering. Sometimes I wonder how much she might want from me; do I really seem attractive to her? She only haltingly touches me, but this could just be her shyness and self-control taking over. It was the same for me! I want to lay the whole world at her feet, to cover her with kisses, to satisfy her entirely. I want to lay with her and never get up again. I want to go with her to concerts, and proof-read her papers, and learn Japanese from her. I think we would have what it takes.
CT is fire to me. She is loyal to herself alone as far as I can tell, although she has expressed to me how much she wants me as her friend, as she doesn't feel she has many right now. I am unsure of how much she really desires me, or merely how much she knows I desire her, and this reflection is bright enough to blind her. I am not convinced she is actually attracted to me at all; but she enjoys teasing, and being teased, and touching, and being touched. She allows me to worship her. I have rarely know anyone so unbelievably, heart-stoppingly GORGEOUS in my life. And sexy. She knows how to drive a girl (or boy, for that matter) perfectly insane. She enjoys this. I have sworn off her many times, but I always come back. She knows she weakens me, she wears off the edges of my bad moods, she turns me on, and she will 'o wisps away. Her energy is boundless. She has put a spell on me that I am not interested in breaking. I want to drive her WILD. I want to see what she is hiding. She makes me evil too.
These are the girls in my REAL life.
There is also a girl, who lives far away, who I may never meet, but already adore. She does not realize she is beautiful. She's smarter than me. She has impeccable taste in music; a trait we may or may not share. I hope we get to stay friends for a while - I have lost friends on the internet several times, and it is always a little blow to my heart.
...my girls. My LUCK! I wonder what they see, when they look at me? I only have my own two eyes. But this is a little world I have built, independant of the life-altering struggle I live outside it. This is a little garden oasis for me. I have never been so content with anything in my whole life.
(fin)
Friday, October 13, 2006
I might, just might, have fucked everything up right now.
If the learning contract I just sent to Jeff Kaster was one of the things that I was required to send before midnight...I sent it at 12:04. We agreed upon this condition. I couldn't remember if it was necessary. IF it was...then I may have fucked it all up and LOST EVERYTHING.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
(fin)
If the learning contract I just sent to Jeff Kaster was one of the things that I was required to send before midnight...I sent it at 12:04. We agreed upon this condition. I couldn't remember if it was necessary. IF it was...then I may have fucked it all up and LOST EVERYTHING.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
(fin)
Hours of Sleep for 10/12-10/13
Slept:
from 4am - 3pm. 11 hours.
And my grandma is SO dissapointed. How it breaks my little heart.
(fin)
from 4am - 3pm. 11 hours.
And my grandma is SO dissapointed. How it breaks my little heart.
(fin)
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Recent Events, also, What Happened To My Internship
So, here's the downlo, yos.
Internship:
So I'm not a very good employee. Good person, yes. Good Catholic, most of the time. Good employee...not so much. This is due in part to a few things:
1. I'm not so great at things which require self-initiative. I especially haven't been so in the past. This plays out in so many different ways.
2. I have problems relating to my sleep. Due to a kind of panic/anxiety I get at night, I usually don't sleep very well. Sometimes it manifests as insomnia, and as I get tired later becuase of the insomnia I konk out the next night (or afternoon, or evening...take your pick) which just fucks up any "plans" I may have made to the contrary. This cycle of sleep and too much sleep causes my immune system to be lower, which gets me sick...which cuases even MORE missing of work.
Missing work thrice without any really good explaination is why I lost my internship.
What? I lost my internship? Yes.
My faculty contact and I had a discussion, which ended with "well, I think we better have a meeting with everyone involved and find you a new internship." Becuase although when I was there I was doing good, enthusastic work, when I wasn't there I confused everyone. Wasn't I supposed to be there, doing something, get my required hours? It was a large internship, so I was required at least 3-4 hours a day and those were all the hours they could manage to give me. They couldn't find enough for me to do to complete it in the first place, so we had worked out a plan that would extend me into next semester. But that all went to hell in a handbasket when they realized I was a bad employee.
SO last week I met with my internship site supervisor, my internship director at CSB, my faculty moderator (Kaster) and an academic advising lady. Everyone wants what's best for me, and naturally so do I. Nobody knew quite what that was, except for that I wouldn't be doing this internship anymore.
The new plan is this:
1. I close out my internship with Kaster by seeing the councilor at CSB and getting checked out medically about the sleep thing. Could it all just be that I have no self-motivation and need to get that in gear? Yes. It could be that. If it is, it's still a big problem...how do you self-motivate to get self-motivated? An excellent question I don't have an answer to. If my sleep problems are medical in some way, then a doctor can perscribe SOMETHING that will help me stay regulated in that way. And a concilor can certainly help me work on the self-motivation and anxiety. I report on this to Kaster. That would be uncomfortible except for that he's an amazing guy, and if he doesn't mind hearing about my "personal life" then I have no problem telling him about it. I trust him.
2. I take an ILP (independant learning project) with a theo prof, hopefully Marian Diaz, about discernment (the same topic as a class she's currently teaching, so she wouldn't be unprepared to moderate an ilp for me). If not Marian, than any theo prof would do. I have to line this up by..oh...tomorrow. I have to be REGISTERED for one by next week.
3. I take a CD mod class, which I'm already signed up for thanks to the academic advising lady. Yay for her!
4. I stay in my Pastoral Ministry class, and kick ass at it. Good for that. It's every monday night, so basically I spend a lot of time sitting on my ass in my Grandma's house. I do my homework. I play nice.
That equals out to 12 credits, which is enough to keep me a fulltime student.
It was a very close call. I might have had to withdraw if I hadn't been able to work out a plan like this. IF I had had to withdraw, that would have put me a semester behind...an extra semester that my parents would not be able to pay for. A complicated series of events would have followed: me begging for money on the street, possibly funding my own "super senior" semester, graduating late if at all.
Not graduating would mean trying to find a job without my BA, not a good things when trying to work for the Church.
I feel about this: startled. This series of events should not surprise me, but I'm dissapointed in myself of course, for failing so miserable at something so dead easy. "Show up to work" shouldn't be all that difficult. But for me, sometimes, it is, and I need to make it not so.
I say need, becuase that's the way it is. Not want, although I also want. But want implies I could do without it. Not so. I NEED to be employable to make any of my dreams for the future a reality. I NEED to bust my ass, and bend and scrape to make things work out, so that I'm no longer this unreliable, incompetent employee.
So I went to the councilor yesterday, and I have a meeting planned with a councilor for next Tuesday. Good start. Still to do: email Marian Diaz about the ILP, and go to the doctor.
Going to the doctor is complicated by past events; last semester's mono-like illness, me recieving my anxiety medication (yes, I am medicated, it's called Solexus and, lol, causes drowsiness!). I don't know if I should just do it and worry about the money later, or brave the conversation with my parents.
Mom and dad know all of this (minus the going to the doctor part) and are reasonably parts dissapointed and supportive of my drive for reform.
I haven't told many other people, becuase it makes me frustrated and sad.
so...that's the way it is.
(fin)
Internship:
So I'm not a very good employee. Good person, yes. Good Catholic, most of the time. Good employee...not so much. This is due in part to a few things:
1. I'm not so great at things which require self-initiative. I especially haven't been so in the past. This plays out in so many different ways.
2. I have problems relating to my sleep. Due to a kind of panic/anxiety I get at night, I usually don't sleep very well. Sometimes it manifests as insomnia, and as I get tired later becuase of the insomnia I konk out the next night (or afternoon, or evening...take your pick) which just fucks up any "plans" I may have made to the contrary. This cycle of sleep and too much sleep causes my immune system to be lower, which gets me sick...which cuases even MORE missing of work.
Missing work thrice without any really good explaination is why I lost my internship.
What? I lost my internship? Yes.
My faculty contact and I had a discussion, which ended with "well, I think we better have a meeting with everyone involved and find you a new internship." Becuase although when I was there I was doing good, enthusastic work, when I wasn't there I confused everyone. Wasn't I supposed to be there, doing something, get my required hours? It was a large internship, so I was required at least 3-4 hours a day and those were all the hours they could manage to give me. They couldn't find enough for me to do to complete it in the first place, so we had worked out a plan that would extend me into next semester. But that all went to hell in a handbasket when they realized I was a bad employee.
SO last week I met with my internship site supervisor, my internship director at CSB, my faculty moderator (Kaster) and an academic advising lady. Everyone wants what's best for me, and naturally so do I. Nobody knew quite what that was, except for that I wouldn't be doing this internship anymore.
The new plan is this:
1. I close out my internship with Kaster by seeing the councilor at CSB and getting checked out medically about the sleep thing. Could it all just be that I have no self-motivation and need to get that in gear? Yes. It could be that. If it is, it's still a big problem...how do you self-motivate to get self-motivated? An excellent question I don't have an answer to. If my sleep problems are medical in some way, then a doctor can perscribe SOMETHING that will help me stay regulated in that way. And a concilor can certainly help me work on the self-motivation and anxiety. I report on this to Kaster. That would be uncomfortible except for that he's an amazing guy, and if he doesn't mind hearing about my "personal life" then I have no problem telling him about it. I trust him.
2. I take an ILP (independant learning project) with a theo prof, hopefully Marian Diaz, about discernment (the same topic as a class she's currently teaching, so she wouldn't be unprepared to moderate an ilp for me). If not Marian, than any theo prof would do. I have to line this up by..oh...tomorrow. I have to be REGISTERED for one by next week.
3. I take a CD mod class, which I'm already signed up for thanks to the academic advising lady. Yay for her!
4. I stay in my Pastoral Ministry class, and kick ass at it. Good for that. It's every monday night, so basically I spend a lot of time sitting on my ass in my Grandma's house. I do my homework. I play nice.
That equals out to 12 credits, which is enough to keep me a fulltime student.
It was a very close call. I might have had to withdraw if I hadn't been able to work out a plan like this. IF I had had to withdraw, that would have put me a semester behind...an extra semester that my parents would not be able to pay for. A complicated series of events would have followed: me begging for money on the street, possibly funding my own "super senior" semester, graduating late if at all.
Not graduating would mean trying to find a job without my BA, not a good things when trying to work for the Church.
I feel about this: startled. This series of events should not surprise me, but I'm dissapointed in myself of course, for failing so miserable at something so dead easy. "Show up to work" shouldn't be all that difficult. But for me, sometimes, it is, and I need to make it not so.
I say need, becuase that's the way it is. Not want, although I also want. But want implies I could do without it. Not so. I NEED to be employable to make any of my dreams for the future a reality. I NEED to bust my ass, and bend and scrape to make things work out, so that I'm no longer this unreliable, incompetent employee.
So I went to the councilor yesterday, and I have a meeting planned with a councilor for next Tuesday. Good start. Still to do: email Marian Diaz about the ILP, and go to the doctor.
Going to the doctor is complicated by past events; last semester's mono-like illness, me recieving my anxiety medication (yes, I am medicated, it's called Solexus and, lol, causes drowsiness!). I don't know if I should just do it and worry about the money later, or brave the conversation with my parents.
Mom and dad know all of this (minus the going to the doctor part) and are reasonably parts dissapointed and supportive of my drive for reform.
I haven't told many other people, becuase it makes me frustrated and sad.
so...that's the way it is.
(fin)
A short evaluation to note my concern:
Total sleep time for Day/Night of Oct 11 - Oct 12 Day/Night
3-6 pm, woke to eat dinner and then went back to sleep. 3 hours
6 pm - 1 am, woke from dream and couldn't fall back asleep for a while. Took Tylenol PM. 7 hours.
4 - 10:30 am woke finally in the morning. 6.5 hours.
16.5 hours of sleep.
Something is wrong with me.
(fin)
3-6 pm, woke to eat dinner and then went back to sleep. 3 hours
6 pm - 1 am, woke from dream and couldn't fall back asleep for a while. Took Tylenol PM. 7 hours.
4 - 10:30 am woke finally in the morning. 6.5 hours.
16.5 hours of sleep.
Something is wrong with me.
(fin)
Dream for night of Wed. October11
I am in jail, although jail looks very similiar to the Grandma's house but with Idzerda's living room inside. I have met the love of my life here: a Chinese woman named Liu Qi. She speaks little or no English but I have mastered Chinese so this is not a problem. We are so in love. We make love as Liz and I did, in one of the small, cell like rooms. But we are so content to be together.
This place is hell to us, for soon they don't let us be together and neither of us will ever be set free. Liu Qi talks me into committing suicide with her. Poison. She takes it first, and we say an emotional goodbye. It takes a while for the effects to kick in.
I am alone in my cell, and I take the poison. Many many pills. I am then on the subway, and second guessing my decision to die. The people who pass me by seem to be moving in slow motion, and I know this is the effect of the pills. I have arrived where I was going (another part of the prison?) and walk from person to person saying "excuse me, I need to ask you an important question." Nobody responds to me, and I get several dirty looks before I realize and say aloud, "oh, but that phrase usually ends with 'have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior! No wonder nobody is listening to me." A random stranger affirms that this is the case. I see a warden pass me by, and I beg her for her help. She tell me to meet her outside the bars. I decide to, but then don't. I want to be with Liu Qi. I head back the other way on the subway and Kevin is there, and Shaun with him. I make a final decision, just in time. I turn to Shaun and in a panic ask him to help me gag. He takes a second to realize what I've said and then gamely sticks his finger down my throat (what a friend!) and helps me throw up all the pills I had just ate. Shaun, embarrassed by the mess I made, covers the vomit with his trench coat. I sit on the floor and weep - my Liu Qi is going on without me, I was too weak to leave.
I return to the prison, where I will live out the rest of my days. In a cafeteria style setting, all the prisioners are working on some kind of dance routine, or computer program. Perhaps we are being trained in some way. Everyone has already broken up into groups, and I am alone without my Liu Qi. Class begins, and without a partner I will get in trouble with the warden. There are balance beams attatched to the front of all the desks, and as there would not have been room for me to simply shove my way through until I found someone as a partner, I nimbly pulled myself up on one of the beams with a single arm. I think of a monkey pulling itself onto a branch with one arm. One of the prisoners gives me a dirty and jellous look, and I smile serenely back, then scamper away to find a partner. I run to the back of the room, and there is a long desk with five or six younger children. Around 6th and 7th grade, as I would have associated with occasionally in VSAA. They are working on the computer program, but cannot see it on the monitor. They ask me to fix it. They didn't have the monitor ON. The program shows up: bacon, cheese, sausage...all these are presented like an executable command module, with bottons. Simple HTML must be what we are learning. I took a computer science class (although I did subsequently have to drop it...) and so I know a little programming. I should be useful.
But I am still so lonely.
(fin)
This place is hell to us, for soon they don't let us be together and neither of us will ever be set free. Liu Qi talks me into committing suicide with her. Poison. She takes it first, and we say an emotional goodbye. It takes a while for the effects to kick in.
I am alone in my cell, and I take the poison. Many many pills. I am then on the subway, and second guessing my decision to die. The people who pass me by seem to be moving in slow motion, and I know this is the effect of the pills. I have arrived where I was going (another part of the prison?) and walk from person to person saying "excuse me, I need to ask you an important question." Nobody responds to me, and I get several dirty looks before I realize and say aloud, "oh, but that phrase usually ends with 'have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior! No wonder nobody is listening to me." A random stranger affirms that this is the case. I see a warden pass me by, and I beg her for her help. She tell me to meet her outside the bars. I decide to, but then don't. I want to be with Liu Qi. I head back the other way on the subway and Kevin is there, and Shaun with him. I make a final decision, just in time. I turn to Shaun and in a panic ask him to help me gag. He takes a second to realize what I've said and then gamely sticks his finger down my throat (what a friend!) and helps me throw up all the pills I had just ate. Shaun, embarrassed by the mess I made, covers the vomit with his trench coat. I sit on the floor and weep - my Liu Qi is going on without me, I was too weak to leave.
I return to the prison, where I will live out the rest of my days. In a cafeteria style setting, all the prisioners are working on some kind of dance routine, or computer program. Perhaps we are being trained in some way. Everyone has already broken up into groups, and I am alone without my Liu Qi. Class begins, and without a partner I will get in trouble with the warden. There are balance beams attatched to the front of all the desks, and as there would not have been room for me to simply shove my way through until I found someone as a partner, I nimbly pulled myself up on one of the beams with a single arm. I think of a monkey pulling itself onto a branch with one arm. One of the prisoners gives me a dirty and jellous look, and I smile serenely back, then scamper away to find a partner. I run to the back of the room, and there is a long desk with five or six younger children. Around 6th and 7th grade, as I would have associated with occasionally in VSAA. They are working on the computer program, but cannot see it on the monitor. They ask me to fix it. They didn't have the monitor ON. The program shows up: bacon, cheese, sausage...all these are presented like an executable command module, with bottons. Simple HTML must be what we are learning. I took a computer science class (although I did subsequently have to drop it...) and so I know a little programming. I should be useful.
But I am still so lonely.
(fin)
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