Fucking Hell

SO, kind of a fucked up day. That's how I'm feeling.

I wake up - later than I should, but earlier than yesterday - and go to michaels to buy art supplies. I figure this will cheer me up. It does a little, as does the art I make.

Then CT asks me over for dinner, which I ate and LOVED it was so good, my first food of the day. I'm feeling pretty nice. And she's had a little tiff with her roomate, so I say why not come over to my grandma's place and we'll watch movies. She's in. We rent lesbian movies: Better Than Chocolate, Boys Don't Cry, and a foreign film named Producing Adults.

She cuddles up in my bed, which is adorible. I'm having so much trouble with her - she gives me NOTHING but MIXED SIGNALS. Does she want to be only friends now in a purely plutonic sense of the word? Maybe yeah. I'd be ok with that, I'd have to adjust to it, but alright. But it's not like I tried to kiss her or anything; I'm not stupid and if I don't get a good "kiss me" vibe, I don't go for it. Maybe that's just me. It HURTS to know she's not attracted to me. I know that I know that I know that and it's just not going to change. Maybe she recently thought it through too, and realized she didn't want to be with someone she's not attracted to. Genius.

But in any case, she left after that first movie - not even 11 yet. I drove her home. If she wanted me to play a game and beg her to stay and be with me all night, I wasn't going to. And I wasn't going to confess my love - jeez, I've already DONE that. You think I'd take the hint!!! I think to myself, maybe she was never into me at all and I imagined it, but then I think about the way she kissed me...she kisses so different and so much more wonderfully than anyone I've ever kissed before. I've not wanted so badly to kiss a girl before in my whole life I think. But I drove her home, and she seemed...fine. Just herself. Like this wasn't a statement, she's just being a friend.

Ok. You just want to be friends. I get it. That's what today said to me. Alright.

But I get home, and decide hey, I'll watch a lesbian movie that will make me feel a little less like blah shit. SO I put in the foreign one, Producing Adults, and it's HORRIBLY DEPRESSING. Like, unloving and unsatisfying relationships, people doing tons of stuff behind eachother's backs, a failed lesbian romance that just gets worse and worse...everything that really happens that I dispise. The GAMES. And I finish that, and am like...gee, that sucked. I'll go onto deviantart and see if anyone has said anything nice.

And I've recieved a message. It's from a deviant I assocaite with online, and we comment on eachother's work and stuff. I had offered to send her a teeshirt that my club on campus is making, which might have a design I drew on it. Her response to this was "No thanks, I don't give my address to strangers."

Well, we're not exactly strangers, that's a bit harsh. I understand the sentiment; neither do I, I just thought I'd offer. But she certianly could have said that a hell of a lot nicer, and it couldn't have caught me at a worse time.

So yeah. A bit of a fucked up night, and feeling rejected and alone mostly.

Fuck this. I HATE how I've been feeling about myself for the past weeks; worthless, useless, unnecessary, incapable. I've been depressed. There's just no point to anything anymore. I haven't been to church in 2 weeks. It all, just everything in my life, sucks so much. I hate it. I just don't believe I'm capable of change. I don't think I can do it. I don't know why I ever try.

(fin)