Unlike me - Kate Havnevik

there are no guarantees in life
not for the present,
nor for the future.

all I know is
that I'm here...
don't know for how long.

I love the way
you live so intensely,
enjoy every minute of life
with space to swing
your arms around
laughing loudly

unlike me
do you think I'm strange?
unlike you
I am not pretending

there's no time,
time doesn't really exist.

the past, the present, and the future
are all side by side,
hand in hand.

you move and change,
yet you go nowhere:
everything stays the same.

you stare at me,
and ask me questions,
makes me nervous

this room it keeps a constant tone
while I'm on a roller coaster

unlike me
do you think I'm strange?
unlike you
I am not pretending

there's no time...
time doesn't really exist
there's no time...
time doesn't really exist.

......................

Where am I going? What should I be doing? I don't know, and I feel like I should. Let's figure that out.

I'm so tired of being yelled at, but it's easier than true dissapointment; failing after really, honestly trying. I applied for Blockbuster and Hollywood video, and I'll probably get one of them. It's a crap job. I know that. I'll enjoy it, but it'll be crappy pay and won't get me anywhere. but I know what's really in my heart. I've always known.

I want to sell my art. To have people use it and love it and share it. I want to do that. I've got a holding out hope, and it's something very fragile too, that people will like it enough to buy it. And I'm scared of putting that hope out on the chopping block. Because what if people really don't buy it? What if they think it's boring, or ugly, or childish? It would hurt my feelings. Oh my poor little feelings. But I think, even if I'm not good enough yet, I do think I could be good enough for people to buy my stuff. And I can do anything, with art. I have that boundless confidence there that I don't have with absolutely anything else. Totally boundless. I could, I can. And I'm afraid to jepordize that confidence because I only have it with art.

My art could be important. It could change how people think about things, or at least provide another voice in the throng. Enough people have to like it so that I can live off it. What most people like is cute, or beautiful, and always non-threatening to their ideals. Suck a duck. No self-respecting artist, thus, can earn money except by debasing the morality of their art! But, no, maybe it could be done if you just find a way to sneak in the message...make it look pretty on the surface, for those who don't look any deeper, and then slide in the sub-message in the turn of the hand, the direction of the eyes.....it could be done. And maybe bolder art on the side, real art, just for those who really give a shit?

I want to work in pen and ink. It makes me feel free. It makes me feel whole when I complete a piece. It's part of who I am. I want to work with fabric, work fabric into my pen and ink pieces although I don't know how. And clay, figurative clay peices are something I want to work a lot more in. And metal. I want to do art forever, for the rest of my life, and I want to be good at it and sell it and...well, I don't care really much about much else. I'd have side projects...I always have side-projects like learning about edible plants and learning how to quilt and the countries of south america, but the thing I want to DO is art.

Last year was a big blow. With religious life, I want to have a home. A community. A place I can be myself, do my art, love my God, and be surrounded with people who have stories and lives and can influence me. That's what it would be to me. I can see myself being lonely there. But I don't know, right now, if I wouldn't rather live in a house with my so, and my dog and cat(s), walk to my car in the rain, drive to my studio and work a long day cranking out art and phoning the gallery and installing my pieces, and then coming home to her and talking about our day...I like both things, but right now I'm leaning toward the secular vision.

Because no one in that religious community will be like me. Lesbian, OUT, liberal (relatively)...

and while I'm questioning what I've thought I'd be for a really long time, let's go for Catholocism.

Hi. I believe in God. I believe in his son Jesus Christ, who was concieved of the power of the holy spirit was born to Mary (the virgin thing seems kind of unnecessary, I don't care about her past and well, I guess it would be a neat mirical if it were true), he was persecuted under Pontius Pilot, was crucified, died and was buried. He decended to the dead. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures. He's up there in heaven with God and someday he'll come back so it's a good idea to stay on your toes. Good with all that.

I believe that the ONE church, ie the Catholic church, cannot adequetally sustain the different cultures and peoples it opens it's doors to. Look at me. I've learned about things like Dignity and such, but what does it tell me that half to two thirds of Catholic churches won't even let Dignity gather in their ever so sacred space? I'm still an abomination in the Church's eyes. And I love loud, wonderful worship. I WANT to worship that way when I need to, when I feel like it. I don't want to be afraid to ruffle feathers with my identity.

HEY CHURCH! Hey Catholic Church yes I'm talking to you. What the fuck, huh? I love you. I really, honestly love you so why are you still pushing me away? This gay thing isn't changing. Can't I love whom I love, freely, honestly, equally? Why can't you understand that? Because this is who I see in my mind when I talk to you - a bunch of old white haired men, not a woman among your exclusive leadership (they're serving coffee and doughnuts downstairs). Where are the people like me? They're PROTESTANT that's where. They got sick of you passing laws against them and calling them names and shoving them in cornes. You, Church. You have made me your outcast.

Oh this is torture. This is really torture. I'm not brave enough for all this, really. I keep saying in my head, I love being Catholic. I do. But there's no place set at the table for me. It's like in middle school when I'd want to sit with all the people I thought were interesting, pretty, popular but there was no way for me to sit there.

So what would Jesus do here, seriously? I think Jesus would tell them off, and then get thanked by way of crucifixion. He didn't drag the poor person into the rich person's gathering and sit him down there. He sat at that gathering himself, and also turned around and sat at different gatherings with the poor people. He was a bridge. He was a bridge.

Could I be a bridge? Could I start gatherings for people like me? With Dignity, maybe? For those adults and teens and anyone really who wants to do like Magis did for me?

I want to. I feel like I need to, but not with the dragging feeling of obligation I've had before about things. I WANT to. It would be inauthentic of me to go to Church and not work to better it. But it is NOT CHRISTIAN to fail to minister to this obvious need. OBVIOUS.

So here's where I'm at, a summary and then I go to bed.

1. I want to make art, sell it, and live off it.
2. I don't know if I want to be a nun or not. But right now, I'm leaning toward not.
3. If I'm going to stay Catholic (which right now I am) I need to get in touch with Dignity.
4. I'd like to work for Dignity, I think. From what I know about it.
5. I want to make a place for people like me. I want to meet more of them, and help them too. And be helped by them too.
6. I need to save so I can live on my own. This is 100% imperative. YES.

I think that's that. So blockbuster is fine, for now. Now is research time, and here are just a few of the questions:

1. where my art, how my art, what my art, why my art, who my art. When is whenever I can.
2. I'm putting religious life on the back burner, but I must (as dad said) be trying out the lifestyle now to see if I could live it. I've not forgotten how it resonates with me, how right it seems. If nothing else comes of my intense love of the religious life, I could be associated with a community, or maybe even join it later in life. I'm not done with the nun thing.
3. I like blockbuster because it can give me some money, without demanding all my time and brainpower. I need a job that I get back from and I have enough energy and time to create art. I need to figure out how this balance will work, and really get going on it.

ok, and now to repost in a few places, and then go to bed. Night night.

- me